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The
Face of Conservative Values: Another bent Rep expunged
Here's
a
man who wouldn't take it any more... and you'll never guess who
it is
A Message to Gipper Fans
Shut
Up Fool Tool V 1.0: Fried Wire unveils the latest in copy and paste
rhetoric
Wal-M(art)
Loon Watch: what's Frederick Meekins saying today?
"Frederick Meekins is a Racist Twat" Appeal
Tom
Hoefling update: Is Tom Hoefling still a twat?
TODAY'S
IRONIC TYPO(S):
"History
was always important to her, and most of all family. She
was a strong woman, who taught us that edcation was
important."
(Letter
to the editor from Christine Guidry, San Antonio, Texas)
THE
FACE OF CONSERVATIVE VALUES:
ANOTHER BENT REP EXPUNGED
These
days, the Grand Old Party looks more crooked than a kyphosis
sufferers seminar with everyone from the White
House down on the take. Being a Republican today is like
being in the Crips — you
gotta do time to build your rep. How proud do you
think the Founding Fathers would
have been to witness psychopath #43's jail-dodging administration?
In
July this year, Representative Randy 'Big Pockets' Cunningham
(pictured above in contrite snivel mode) claimed
to have "spent
an entire life building a reputation of integrity and honesty." These
were brave words coming from a guy whose home had just been raided
by the FBI. But now the San Diego Republican sleazeball
has finally fessed up to troughing $2.4 million in bribes
to help friends and campaign contributors win lucrative military
contracts. "The
truth is, I broke the law, concealed my conduct and disgraced
my office" said Cunningham (story). True,
he did disgrace his office and, given the nature of 'the
office' these days, you have to work very hard to do that.
"This offense is just the latest example of the culture of corruption that
pervades the Republican-controlled Congress, which ignores the needs of the American
people to serve wealthy special interests and their cronies," said Nancy
Pelosi, the House Democratic leader during a short break from shutting up and
letting them get on with it.
But Cunningham is not exactly an isolated
case. With Bill 'Autism Millionaire' Frist under investigation for insider trading,
Tom 'Gimme-the-money-Beeotch' DeLay
busted
for conspiracy and money laundering charges, and that pesky Libby/Rove/Cheney
treason
thing still hanging around, who could fail to be impressed with the GOP's ongoing
commitment to scrupulous ethical standards in public service? Here's a few more
Republican
scumbags currently making their lawyers richer:
- Tennessee
Republican Chris Newton was forced to resign
his seat after pleading guilty to accepting bribes in
September. Newton is the only one of five current or
former lawmakers to plead guilty after being charged
in the ongoing federal public corruption investigation
code-named Tennessee Waltz. (story)
- Former
Illinois governor George Ryan is in week 10
of his federal racketeering and fraud trial. Ryan, 71,
and his lobbyist friend, Larry Warner, 67, are charged
in a 22-count federal indictment. Among other things,
Ryan is accused of using state employees to do campaign
work while they were being paid by the taxpayers. (story)
- Former
Oklahoma Republican congressional candidate Adam Taff admitted
in federal court this morning that he used campaign funds
to cover a check for the down payment on his $1.2 million
Lake Quivira home. He faces a maximum penalty on the
wire fraud charge of 30 years in federal prison and a
fine up to $1 million. (story)
- Ohio
Republican Bob Ney is revealed as "Representative
No. 1," the lawmaker identified by federal prosecutors
as the recipient of free trips, sports tickets and campaign
donations from indicted super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff.
(story) Other, as yet unidentified objects of Abramoff's largesse, are expected to be revealed as Tom DeLay (R-Texas), Sen. Conrad Burns (R-Mont.) and Rep. John Doolittle (R-Calif.). (story)
(top)
HERE'S
A MAN WHO WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE...
Newt
Gingrich:
"You are feeling nauseous...very nauseous..."
Back
in the sixties, when war was uncool and American Christians
had more in common with liberal Democrats
than the Waffen SS, some hippy zealots advocated dropping
LSD into the nation's water supply. Nearly forty years on,
it appears they may have finally followed through with their
crazed plan. How else is it possible to explain what the
fuck is happening in politics today?
Take, for example, Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's
recent speech to the conservative Sutherland Institute where
he took to the
lectern to denounce his own party as a bunch of amoral asswipes. "I'm
for more aggressive leadership in the Republican Party and
more principled leadership" growled Gingrich. "Frankly,
it sickens me," he said and called on the Republicans
to lead on ethics reform. "You have
to clean it up. You can't tolerate it. You can't excuse it."
Wow. It's almost as if, gulp, Gingrich is speaking for all
of us. Who isn't sick of the degenerate bastards
turning government into a thieves' den on our tax dime? But
before anyone starts agreeing with the box-headed totem
of the Christian Wrong (and seeking urgent psychiatric help),
let's remind ourselves that Gingrich
is also notorious for his inability to keep his own hand
out of the cash register - and his dick in his pants. This
sleazeball scolding anyone for malfeasance is like Saddam
lecturing Sweden on human rights abuses. Gingrich's bio is
littered with more tacky extramarital sex, even tackier divorces
and more shady dealings than you could reasonably be expected
shake a stick at. The transgressions are manifold, here are
some bullet points from Newt Gingrich's 'being a dick'
resume:
-
A
great example of fiscal conservatism, Gingrich dodged
being forced to resign as Speaker of the House in 1992
after passing more than twenty bad checks. (story)
- Gingrich negotiated
a $4.5 million advance from Rupert Murdoch's Harper Collins
for his book — which he'd written during
work hours and using office
equipment. To avoid criminal proceedings, he agreed to pay
back the money. (story)
- In
a spectacular display of amoral chutzpah, Gingrich
was
busy extra-maritally boning Callista Bisek, a "willowy
blond Congressional aide 23 years his junior" while
simultaneously promoting himself as a family values champion
during the
Republican
party's Clinton-Lewinsky Inquisition. (story)
- As
a professor at West Georgia College, Gingrich had an affair
with Anne Manning, the wife
of a colleague.
Manning revealed that her gentleman caller favored the Clinton-style
BJ: "He
prefers that modus operandi because then he can say, 'I never
slept with her.'" (story)
- The
'family values champion' also served divorce papers on
his first wife Jackie by dumping them on her hospital
bed while she was recovering from ovarian cancer surgery.
Marianne, the second Mrs Gingrich, was also duly dumped in
1999 after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. (story)
- He
was eventually forced to resign in 1999 after it emerged
that charity donations and taxpayer funding for non-profit,
non-partisan organizations were finding their way into his
capacious wallet. (story)
- A
total of 84 ethics charges were filed against Gingrich
during
his tenure as Speaker — all of which were wriggled out of.
(story)
This
year Gingrich said he may run for president in 2008, saying "There
are circumstances where I will run",
elaborating that those circumstances would be if no other candidate
champions the ideas he advocates. Similarly, there
are circumstances under which it is possible to imagine voting
for him: (i) brain
death; (ii) being
named Newt Gingrich; (iii) having a dangerously
overdeveloped sense of irony. May the Lord protect
us from his Moral Crusaders.
(top)
A
MESSAGE TO GIPPER FANS
Some
hatemailers have commented on my 'disgusting' and 'moronic'
Ronald
Reagan pop-up window.
It seems that some folks find it objectionable to
insult the dead — even the evil
dead.
Some,
who may have hit the bong of stupid one too many times,
still revere Reagan as a kind of once-living
embodiment of noble
American
values. They download tacky,
idolatrous screensavers to commemorate him,
get his evil mug put on stamps and name all kinds
of public buildings after him. Some, like Senator
Jon Dolan of Missouri, even think there should
be an annual holiday in his honor. To those
numbnuts,
I'd say a fond "fuck off" and give them
one reason
(of
many)
why
I
hope
this
minor-league
genocidal
retard is now living on food stamps in one of hell's
least desirable downtown neighborhoods:
Contra
atrocities included murder, rape, torture of men,
maiming of children, cutting off arms, cutting out tongues,
gouging
out eyes,
castration, bayoneting pregnant women in the stomach,
amputating the genitals of people of both sexes, gouging
out eyes, scraping
the skin off the face, pouring acid on the face, breaking
the toes and fingers of an 18 year old boy, and summary
executions. These were the people Ronald Reagan called "freedom
fighters" and "the moral equal of our founding
fathers." (story)
I
believe an interesting defamation case is currently underway
in the after-life: Founding Fathers v. Reagan. Star witnesses
include Nicaraguan pregnant woman bayoneted by CIA trained
death squad operatives - the 'equivalent to the founding
fathers.'
As a final thought, I hope wingnut Senator
Jon Dolan succeeds in his unholy campaign
to inaugurate an annual Reagan holiday.
I'd actually enjoy going
to
work that
day.
SHUT
UP FOOL TOOL V 1.0
Ever
argue with conservative nutjob bloggers or tangle with
neocons on online forums? Ever wish there was a quick and
simple way to knock the wind out their sails? Try copying
the following text and pasting it in as a reply to any
conservative statement on any subject at any time:
*****************************************************************
What
America thinks:
SHOULD ROE V. WADE BE OVERTURNED?
NO 65% / YES 26%
WAS IRAQ WORTH IT?
NO 60% / YES 38%
IS THIS COUNTRY ON THE RIGHT TRACK?
NO 68% / YES 31%
DO YOU APPROVE OF BUSH?
NO 60% / YES 37%
So who the fuck are you speaking for?
*****************************************************************
(Source: pollingreport.com November
2005)
(top)
(top)
LOON
WATCH
Frederick
Meekins is my favorite obnoxious twat. He may be the
dumbest hate geek ever to learn to type with
hooves, but on one level he is a genius.
Fred is
a master
at taking
any
subject
at random and
bending it into an anti-liberal polemic. Reading his
errant garbage can sometimes be a journey into 'Tales
of The Unexpected'. An op-ed about Curious George? How's
Fred going to spin
that into
an attack on inheritance tax proponents? Wow. He just
did.
Fred's deranged
'internet columns' are usually structured like jokes
with a classic set up/development/punchline structure. The
punchline is invariably a reworking of one
basic premise:
Liberals are evil and insidious and yet, somehow, gay
and ineffectual at the same time. Here are some examples:
| Set up: |
Famed
Hat Not The Only Yellow Thing About The New Curious
George |
| Development: |
Stalinist
liberal intellectuals have re-written the Curious
George books because they find it offensive that
he was originally caught in the wild. |
| Punchline: |
"Interesting
how those that get all worked up over the rights
and dignity
of monkeys aren’t usually all that much into
the property rights of either the living or the dead." (from American
Daily, 11-27-05) |
| Idiot
rating: |
11/10 |
| Set
up: |
Never
To [sic] Late To Learn Of The Threats
Schools Pose To Property Rights |
| Development: |
Stalinist liberal teachers are forcing school kids to share
supplies as part of their ongoing plan to turn them
into rampant
commies. |
| Punchline: |
"That
is why the communalists find it imperative to begin
their conspiracy of mass redistribution so early in the life of the
proper member of the community." (from Intellectual
Conservative,
11-14-05) |
| Idiot
rating: |
25/10 |
| Set
up: |
Daniel
Craig as James Bond: Anti-Gun but Pro Womanizer? |
| Development: |
Stalinist
liberal James Bond actor is a big pouffe because
he doesn't actually like guns in real life. |
| Punchline: |
"Thankfully,
despite their outlandish plots and gadgets, the Bond
films are realistic enough to realize girlie men are not going
to save the day with wimpy protestations in favor of disarmament and pacifism." (from National
Ledger,
10-30-05) |
| Idiot
rating: |
14,580/10 |
See
also:
Frederick
Meekins: The Napoleon Dynamite of bigotry
Ding Dong:
It's the Ku Klux Klown
(top)
FRIED
WIRE 'FREDERICK MEEKINS IS A RACIST TWAT' APPEAL
Please
take a moment of your time and help 'Frederick Meekins
is a Racist Twat' reach the number one spot in the search
result listings for Frederick Meekins. It's presently
at number five (see screen grab below) of 76,000+, which
is good, but not good enough.
You've already helped by visiting this site as every Fried Wire hit goes
towards raising 'Frederick Meekins is a Racist Twat' in the search engine
ranks, but you can do more. Please fire up your favorite search engine, type
'Frederick Meekins' in the box and hit the link to Fried Wire when it comes
up. Thank you and have a nice, non-racist day.
(top)
TOM
HOEFLING UPDATE
Fried
Wire was saddened recently that Tom Hoefling appears to
have persuaded the mighty Google to stop listing my page
entitled 'Tom Hoefling
is a twat' after several months of it riding high as
the top search return for 'Tom Hoefling'.
Not even the President of the United States can stop 'miserable
failure' still turning up his White House bio on Google. So who would have
believed that Hoefling could succeed where Bush could not? Verily, his clout
is awesome.
I have now re-titled the file to avoid getting further shitcanned by the search
engines. Instead, I present this rare photo and a choice sample of Hoeflingmabilia
below in order that the reader can make up his or her own mind with regard
to Tom's twathood.
"I'm
one of the original drafters and signers of the Twenty-First
Century Mayflower Compact...an effort of top black conservatives
in America to lay out an agenda designed to make deep
and permanent and meaningful inroads into the Dem deathgrip
on the votes and allegiance of that community."
Yes,
that's right, Tom is one of America's leading black conservatives...
I would like to thank the people at clownposse.org for
posting this gingertastic shot of Herr Hoefling and the above
quote. But I won't thank them because, even though we share
a common foe, they hate me for my potty-mouth liberal leanings.
(top)
GREAT
PIONEERS OF NEOCON THOUGHT #22
"Once
we have the power we will never give it up!"
Heinrich
Himmler
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