About Fried Wire
Today's front page:
State of The Union: D.O.A.
Republican Creep Credentials: A True or False test
What They Say, What They Do: Conrad Burns on Jack Abramoff
Meet The Family: Neil Bush talks about his STD
Media Pinheads of the Week: Paul Kengor's Vagina Monologues

Cheney and Kremlin guy spellbound by SOTU '06; grateful citizens voice their support for the Dear Leader.

STATE OF THE UNION: D.O.A.

That word 'freedom' is likely to pop up in a Bush speech as surely as Eugene Levy in a bad movie. Bush's seventh State of the Union was no exception. Though El Presidente only used the 'F' word a paltry 17 times during his 5,434-word brainscrape, that tired old "terrorists... democracy... 9-11..." tape loop is still showing no sign of giving out.

Once a year, as is custom, they slap Bush sober, blast him with a quadruple dose of Ritalin and wheel him in front of the cameras for this hour-long imperial enema. Historically, the State of the Union pablum for the sheeple has been a convenient vehicle for Presidents to boost their successes, spin their failures and sell their unattainable visions of the future to the gullible voter. Under the Bush regime, however, it's become nothing more than a subtly phrased 'fuck you' to the rest of the world larded with quasi-religious rhetoric and the kind of reality-defying bombast that would make Stalin give up props.

El Presidente's speech was studded with praise for our pissed-on freedoms, pep for our 'booming' economy (does that mean a $64 billion trade deficit is a good thing?) and smack talk for the enemies of freedumb. This Mickey Mouse Club celebration of Bush's good works may well have been the most egregious exercise in truth stretching since the White House brat pulled on his jump suit and proclaimed "Mission Accomplished" but, as long as the requisite buzzwords are dutifully invoked, who gives a rat's ass?

Despite all the blowing hard, George II put in a comparatively bland performance that provoked little discussion amongst the media courtiers. As a failing head of state who can't risk stirring any more of the sleeping masses in the run up to the mid-terms, there was nothing new to threaten the Bushbots' comfort zones. (The only new material was the President's pledge to oppose "human-animal hybrids" [what..?] which is unlikely to offend anyone outside of the Greek mythological community. (Bush himself would be unaffected by this new legislature as he is in fact half-human, half-two-by-four.)

Even the usual veiled threats of war failed to excite much notice. When he reeled off his list of target states (Syria, North Korea, Iran with hot newcomers Burma and Zimbabwe) to the applause of the apparatchiks, the possibility of three more blood baths was almost yawn-worthy. "Another invasion? Whatever... What's on ESPN2?"

But does Psychopath #43's new live material only seem bland because our tolerance for semi-fascistic tub-thumping is so much higher these days? Are we, as a nation, so used to this crap that it doesn't shock us any more? Try mentally rewinding a decade to saner times and playing that sucker back: it sounds like Nuremberg with steroid rage.

For Fried Wire's money, the scariest part of Bush's speech was his repeated use (four times) of the superficially innocuous term "our world." Strip away the nuance and intent of "our world" coming out of Bush's lizard lips and it looks dark. Of course it is "our world" in as much as we all have to share it. But with PNAC and the Bush government's don't-give-a-fuck attitude to invading other peoples' countries, "our world" surely implies a lot more to do with ownership than with notions of community. (top)

Current US Deficit: $63,641,265,523.23 courtesy of American Economic Alert

Answers? All true except #4 (it was Bill Frist). Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 (top)

WHAT THEY SAY, WHAT THEY DO...

WHAT THEY SAY:

"This Abramoff guy is a bad guy. And he's indicted, and I hope he goes to jail and we never see him again. I wish he'd never been born."
Senator Conrad "Monty" Burns (R-MT) (story)


WHAT THEY DO:

Burns took more money from Abramoff, his clients and other donors connected to Abramoff than any other member of Congress - nearly $150,000 between 2001 and 2004. Some large donations nearly coincided with votes or actions taken by Burns favorable to Abramoff's clients. (top)

MEET THE FAMILY: NEIL BUSH

Neil Bush, younger brother of George W. (pictured with midget Saudi man-date), would be a very embarrassing liability to any normal President. Fortunately, the DC village idiot is beyond embarrassment.

Like big brother, Neil first came to public and legal attention during the 1980s as a crappy businessman/borderline crook with wheels well-greased by Daddy's money and connections. While George pissed away millions on half-assed oil industry ventures during the course of his wayward thirties, Neil's preferred field of ignoble failure was banking.

Frère Bush drove Silverado Banking, Savings & Loan Association into bankruptcy within three years of taking the helm at a cost to the taxpayer of $1.6 billion. Neil's Savings and Loan specialized in lending vast sums to companies who were not obligated to pay back the money if their ventures failed. That way, everyone was happy except the US taxpayer who was left holding the bill. After Neil walked away from the wreckage of one spectacular loss (the doomed but lucrative JNB Exploration implosion), a bemused expert observed that it "may have been the first completed loan in financial history in which the creditor defaulted."

Today, having spent much of 2005 hanging out with Russian fraudsters and crackpot religious loons (fugitive Boris Berezovsky and the Rev. Sun Myung Moon respectively), Neil Bush was finally divorced by his wife after he admitted gang-banging hookers in Thailand and catching herpes along the way. Here he discusses the finer points of his debauchery with Marshall Davis Brown, his wife Sharon's divorce attorney:

BUSH: "I had sexual intercourse with perhaps three or four, I don't remember the exact number, women, at different times. In Thailand once, I have a pretty clear recollection that there was one time in Thailand and in Hong Kong."

BROWN: "And you were married to Mrs. Bush?"

BUSH: "Yes."

BROWN: "Is that where you caught the venereal diseases?"

BUSH: "No."

BROWN: "Where did you catch those?"

BUSH: "Diseases plural? I didn't catch..."

BROWN: "Well, I'm sorry. How ... how many venereal diseases do you suffer from?"

BUSH: "I've had one venereal disease."

BROWN: "Which was?"

BUSH: "Herpes."

BROWN: "Did you pay them for that sex?"

BUSH: "No. My recollection is, where I can recall, they came to my room."

BROWN: "Do you know the name of that hotel? I may go to Thailand sometime."

(top)

"This country is a better place because Fox News has succeeded."

Bill 'Goebbels' O'Reilly

Back Pages

Fried Wire Policy and Disclaimer | Hatemail | Hmm... | Fanmail