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THE
LONG MULLET OF THE LAW
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It
feels a little cruel and unnecessary (and maybe foolhardy)
to pick on Duane "Dog" Chapman,
star of A&E's
reality freakshow "Dog The Bounty Hunter".
After all, there are clearly many things wrong with
him that
he
can't help. For anyone unfamiliar with his TV persona,
Dog spends his life looking like
a gay S&M deviant/Beyond Thunderdome
extra pursuing bail dodgers around Hawaii, banging
his old
lady and talking about Jesus.
Of course he could probably knock me out with an idle
swish of his muscular pinky finger, but he's also a
true triple threat: It's clear from the the faces of
his arrestees
that many are also vaguely concerned about the potential
for getting one in the ass (in addition to getting
said ass kicked) when the trailer park Fabio of justice
closes
in for the take down. And there's always the embarrassment of getting pinned down in a sweaty wrestling
hold by an A-Team throwback on national TV who wants
to talk to you about Jesus.
Dog is also a secret midget according to Big
Headed Pygmies,
the celebrity dwarf-outing site. One contributor posted
this encounter on the site: "Last October we ate
dinner at a downtown restaurant in Austin, Texas. I
saw Duane "Dog" Chapman the bounty hunter
sitting down. You could tell he was really small. In
the booth,
he looked like a little kid. His arms and legs were
very small. He had a big head, too, and his mullet
was flowing
like silk in the wind." (Link
to this)
|
JESUS
WEPT: IT'S THE CHRISTIAN WRONG
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Neal
Horsley (pictured somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon
line I'm guessing) is far from being just another run-of-the-mill
wing nut Christian. It's not every day, for instance, that
you
hear
of prominent Christians and ex-gubernatorial candidates
advocate for bestiality. For many, Horsley is unique.
In a
recent interview with pretty-boy Colmes on his lame-ass
radio show, Horsley replied "absolutely" when
an incredulous Colmes asked him if it was true that he'd
fucked animals. Horsley seemed almost proud to talk about
his
past relationship with a mule while
growing up on a farm in Georgia. "Well, at least you
were monogamous" said Colmes.
Horsley grew up schtupping
the farm as a banjo-plucking Georgia hillbilly: "You
experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually...If it's
warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it" he
reasoned. Then, in the sixties, he grew a Zapata and headed to
San
Francisco
to
make out with hairy chicks. But eventually, like so many other drug
addicts,
juicers
and
miscellaneous
louches of bygone years,
Horsley was destined to find God.
Since the seventies he's been
a
typical 'love thy neighbor' Christian type – one who works tirelessly
for the deaths of abortion doctors, lesbians and gays, and
the destruction of the 'godless'
United States government. He was once newsworthy for his 'Nuremburg Files'
database of family planning doctors on his Christian
Gallery Web site which helped
deranged "pro-lifer" James Charles Kopp track down and murder Doctor
Barnett Slepian in 1989. After Kopp was featured on America's Most Wanted, Horsley
tastefully posted a "citizen's arrest warrant" for the show's host on his Web site.
Horsley, by virtue of his Yoda-like role in the web of Christian nutters smiting
family
planning
clinics around the country, is one of the most prominent domestic terrorists
at large
today. And a mule fucker. Yet, inexplicably,
the prick is still free to talk on national radio, spew more
bile into the overflowing cesspit of American right-wing bullshit and run for
Governor of Georgia as a "Creator's Rights Party" candidate on a homicide
and secession platform. The term 'dangerous lunatic' seems a little pale when
applied to this crapulent homicidal maniac. He's so far off the fruit loop scale,
just sharing a country with
him is like sharing a hot tub with Charles
Manson. (Link to this) |
THE
PAT BOONE OF HIP HOP?
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Way
back in the 90s when the then Puff Daddy released his 'pop
hop' money spinner "I'll be missing you", he
seemed harmless enough. Why should lame, saccharine pop
tunes be the exclusive domain of whitey? Puff was showing
the world that even the uncompromising inner-city sound
of hip hop could be smoothed down into something Pat Robertson
could tap his holy toes to.
But then in 1999, the university-educated suburbanite purveyor of Pedialyte rap
(#12 on Fortune Magazine's 40 Richest Under 40 list) went too far. I think I
speak for anyone who remembers the halcyon days of Eric B, Run DMC, Public Enemy,
et al., when I say his bland rehash of "Public Enemy Number One" was
about as hip hop as the Goombay Dance Band. Instead of Chuck D railing against
the system, the video featured Puffy ponsing around in his Lamborghini looking
like a Nubian stockbroker on his way to the country club. This dumb travesty
was just c-rap for Radio Gap and the middle-class preteens who think Snoop Dogg
looks like he smells funny. And I don't care how many CDs Bad Boy Entertainment
sells, quantity is no indicator of quality. Puff should really remind himself
that 'keeping it real' and making a buck are negatively connected in the hip
hop world. To wit, MC Hammer: the best selling rapper of all time.
It now seems bizarre to reflect that the ghetto fury of NWA was brought to the
attention of the world by their middle-aged jewish manager, or that the half
of Def Jam that wasn't Russell Simmons was a beardy white metal head. Even old
white dudes have a better understanding of the hip hop zeitgeist than Puff. What's
he doing for the advancement of underground black culture? Selling gay-looking
leisure wear and talking about 'the
beautiful Republican party'? Rebellion for Diddy seems to top out at wearing
$500 dollar sunglasses 24 hours a day to obscure his weird, squinty eyes and
changing his name every few years to confuse record store merchandisers.
Recently, the self-important Pat Boone of hip hop announced on the Today Show
that he was altering his stage name yet again, dropping the "P." and
referring to himself simply as "Diddy," saying that "the P was
getting between me and my fans." I guess the overly-ebonic single letter
prefix was a little too much. Now that's shaved off, he can simply go by Diddy:
a baby-talk homonym for 'small'. How cute. (Link
to this) |
BRIAN
KILMEADE: INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH SUCKER OF BALLS
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A
poem entitled 'Vanity of The Vanities' was published
in 1660 which included the first known use of the word
'twat.' Although he hadn't been born for more than 400
years, I have no doubt the author had Brian Kilmeade
in mind when he minted the word. I've never watched the
stupid bastard do his thing on F(oxymoron) News (because
I have a job, unlike the angry losers who constitute
his viewing audience), but I'm sure it's shit. His official
bio photos tend to make him look like an overly smarmy
Scout master with pedophile tendencies (see left). And
that's the biggest compliment I'm prepared to pay him.
Brian is also the proud author of 'Games Do Count' (the literary equivalent
of forcing warm jell-o up your ass) which is currently selling like cold
cakes despite relentless plugging on 'the number one cable news channel'
that pays his salary.
According to the folks at Newshounds.us: "One
advantage of working for Fox News is that any book you write is endlessly
promoted on the channel and their Web page. Despite that promotion, publisher's
overstocks of this book, published in 2004 and sold for $24.95, are available
for less than $6 on the internet." Ha ha ha... excuse me while I clear
my throat... hah! Why I really
despise Brian Kilmeade? (Link
to this) |
LENNY
KRAVITZ: POSEUR OR DUMBASS?
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Although
he clearly thinks he's Prince, Leonard Albert Kravitz often
sounds like ZZ Top. So why is Mr Kravitz widely regarded
as a sexy rock god (particularly in Japan and the former
Eastern Bloc countries) while the Texan trucker rock
combo couldn't score a wedding gig these days? How come
Kravitz gets to shtup Lisa Bonet and Vanessa Paradi while
ZZ Top are probably reduced to wacking off over pictures
of hot rods? Life in the fast lane of bad rock is unfair.
It's hard to say why I hate him (after all, posing in the CD booklet to
'Mama Said' with braided pubes almost credits posting in the Fried Wire
Hall of Fame) but I really do. He even produced Madonna's 'Justify My Love'
video - a damn fine piece or monochrome porn set to music - but I still
hate him. Perhaps it is his gauche inability to navigate the fine line
between Led Zeppelinesque rock camp and straight-up bad tranny that piques
my derision. Perhaps it's because his Prince-like egomania is not backed
up by the requisite talent. Perhaps it was the pathetic rhyming of " I
wish that I could fly Into the sky, So very high, Just like a dragonfly" that
made me hate him. I don't really know.
Last year Kravitz got sued for $300,000. What unspeakable rock god excess
warranted such punishment? In an incident eerily reminiscent of his
'Baptism' album cover (above), which appears to show him having fallen
into an open septic tank while playing his Gibson Flying V nude, Lenny
got sued for letting his toilet overflow into a neighbor's apartment. To
me this seems like a metaphor for his undeniably prolific but sadly crappy
body of work. (Link to this) |
A
SUMMONING RITUAL FOR HE THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS
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|
Hail
Guardians of all Light and Darkness! (cast live dog
into fire) Accept this sacrifice as a token of my power.
Be welcome and cautious in your dealings with us. (Grasp
tankard of semen, blood and irish whisky (would Jameson's
work?)) May my will be made ten-thousand times stronger
as I consume this elixir of immortality. (Drinks entirety
of tankard, points at the floor, where a radiant pentagram
burns brightly) I now summon into this pentagram the
Lord Host of Devils, the Great Deceiver Himself...Oh
Lying Evil, thank you for fetching your Master so quickly!
May you discover new ways to trick and trap. May you
come when you are called into the Pentagram of Power
which I devise...
(Excerpt from "Demon Summonings, Curses, and Deathspells." Goths
clicketh here)
|
RICH,
UGLY THIEVES DOING TIME?
I'D BUY STOCK IN THAT!
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Kenneth
Lay (left) still manages to look like a smug prick -
even in handcuffs on his way to prison - while Dennis
Kozlowski (right) proves that not even billionaires can
buy themselves pretty.
Anyone residing in California during the first years of the millennium
will remember sitting in the dark for long periods of time wondering what
the hell was going on with the electricity. The Enron prick on the left
is what was going on, while prick #2 is remembered for spending $15,000
on a freakin' umbrella stand during his famous share fueled multi-billion
dollar spending spree.
These parasites didn't just laugh at the deluded working classes who voted
their GOP bitches into power; they climbed tall, golden ladders with mink
lined rungs to piss on them from great heights. Nothing makes me smile
like the thought of Dennis and Ken doing time. If someone has to get 'man
raped', why not the guy who raped California's utilities? Or the guy who
raped Tyco International's stockholders? Eye for an eye, sphincter for
a sphincter.
But
it's a tad perturbing to consider that these were the dumb crooks
who got caught. These dufi were too stupid to get away
with their scams, even with the leader of the free world
behind them. So how many smart ones are still out there
waiting to give Bush a helping (themselves) hand with
his Social Security privatization plans for example?
For those of us without pension plans, I guess we'd better
acclimate to the taste of pet food for when we get to
draw Social Security at age 320... |
CORY
WILLIAMSON IS A DOG FUCKER
 |
It
takes a lot to disgust me. I've looked at Rotten.com,
I've seen midget scat porn and I've seen Michael Bolton
duet with Celine Dion. That said, the dude on the left
takes the race.
The standout
news story today was about a 17 year old in South Carolina who is charged
with raping his neighbor's dog. The dog's owner, Sylvia Jones, said: "...we
were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he
was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman." The
Jones family says Princess the dog wouldn't eat or play anymore after the
attack. "She couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."
The unfortunate dog fuckee died two weeks after it's encounter with Williamson.
So now his legal ante is upped with the prosecutor saying that his charges
will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they
have on the books." No shit. And can you imagine the "so what
you in here for?" conversation stopper when this sick puppy gets to
prison?
But, on a lighter note, it's not every day you're able to call someone
a dog fucker with total impunity. Yeah, what are you going to do about
it, dog fucker? |
PIG-SHIT
THICK BIGOT WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS IN JEEZUZ LAND
(L-R)
Glenn 'Fat Bitch' Spencer shows followers what a book looks
like as part of a 'Know Your Enemy' Q&A session; His
vaguely pathetic, solo flag burning stunt in front of the
Mexican Consulate; The non-hilarious Mexifornia Driver License
from his Web site.
This
arch Mexican-hater and 'man-least-likely-to-vacation-in-Cancun,'
fled Los Angeles for Arizona after his gun-related hijinks
and sponsored Chicano beatings started pissing off the cops.
But the mission was not finished. After teaming up with other
nut jobs and heat-stroked psychos in the desert, he formed
the American Border Patrol in 2002 to "bring the crisis
called Illegal Immigration to the forefront of the American
public's consciousness." (sic) But the ABP are, in reality,
just a bunch of sadistic rednecks who enjoy cruising the
border taking pot shots at Mexicans for sport.
Since 1994, several thousand emigrants have died crossing the border into Jeezuz
Land, though no official figures exist with regard to how many "have drowned
in canals and rivers... have died of dehydration, hypothermia and heat stress...
or have been shot by ranchers in Arizona and Texas..." (or by ranchless
ranchers like Spencer and his trigger happy butt-buddies). See: http://www.pbs.org/itvs/beyondtheborder/immigration.html
The ABP has oozed its way into psyches throughout the Southwest, where talk
of illegal immigration still rings Pavlovian bells for those who fear the hare-brained
premise of "La Reconquista" (the supposed Mexican plot to take over
Jeezuz Land by swamping it with illegal immigrants). To those not yet in touch
with their inner bigot, the ABP reach out by hijacking the debate on immigration,
mixing in a dash of Homeland Insecurity and unemployment angst, in order to
create the palatable starter for their malignant entree: hating people who
are not us. (Witness the shit-slinging over driver licenses for illegals in
California and the vicious 'Mexifornia Driver License' j-peg circulated, as
a far from humorous spoof, on the Web.)
Their site says: "American Border Patrol is a Tax Exempt licensed 501c3
non-profit corporation. All donations to ABP are 100% tax deductible." These
days the KKK is not tax exempt, no longer being able to hide behind its 'religious
organization' status, so hatemongers across the land will be relieved to know
that at least one avenue still exists to convert potential tax revenue into
actual hate revenue. And with America sinking ever deeper into right wing polarization,
an ideal climate is evolving for the growth of all things insidious and moronic.
It's frightening to imagine that such brutal organizations are probably going
to sound more and more like federally approved NGOs as the Bush agenda unfolds
over the next four years. In a civilized nation, murderers go to prison. In
Jeezuz Land, they enjoy tax exempt status.
POINTLESS
SUPER SKANK DEFINES SHITEGEIST
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There
was a time when rich people had the good grace to keep
their most embarrassing, inbred brats decently tucked
away in attics and nunneries. But not today. These days
they're like TV fungus with dumb bitches like Paris Hilton
smeared all over the media (and sucking dick on the Web)
while ass-kissing camp followers lose themselves in the
post modern irony of it all. And we get to read nauseating,
infuriating, sycophantic crap like "We hear that
Paris Hilton's much-awaited debut album will include
hip-hop tracks - potentially featuring rapping by the
heiress herself." (nydailytimes.com)
Oh my God! I can't fucking wait... rapping by the "heiress herself!" This
kind of shit is at least 50% of why Middle America wishes everyone in L.A.
and New York would catch AIDS and die.
But, as a final thought, just how bad do you have be at
sucking dick when you have 300 million in the bank and you still can't
keep a boyfriend? And, as a second final thought, I'd prefer my burger
to be advertised by an anorexic less likely to be hosting a slew of sexually
transmitted diseases. Just an FYI, Carl's Junior. |
"Hi.
I've come about your ad in the apartment share section..."
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|
We
can all agree that the ritual slaying and the brainwashing
were distinctly uncool. But, more than that, this evil
dufus managed to single handedly kill off the whole idea
of the sixties with his charnel party pooping activities.
If it hadn't been for Manson, we'd probably all be dropping
acid daily and hugging naked strangers in the street.
Cops would be wearing fluorescent loon pants by now and
arming themselves only with sun flowers. Goths could
not exist and every channel would be the Cartoon Network.
Thanks a lot Charles Manson: Stupendously selfish, psycho
cocksucker... |
More
camply irritating than Richard Simmons on an all-night
cocaine binge
 |
|
Watching
his TV spots is akin to the experience of scraping your
fingernails across a chalk board whilst listening to
Celine Dion. He could be knocking on your door with a
wheelbarrow full of cash and you'd still want to turn
the hose on him. The question marks on Matthew Lesko's
suit stand for "How come nobody's killed me yet?" Behemoth
fuckwit. |
Culliförnia über
alles, dude
Why
I hate Schwarzenegger and why you should care
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