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Today's front page:
Moron with a War on V3.0? : Fried Wire predictions for 2006
Peace: A Footnote In American History? The words of Dwight D. Eisenhower
Media Pinheads of the Week: Burt Prelutsky on why Jews suck

MORON WITH A WAR ON V3.0?

The Bush invasion of Iran will be happening in March/April and it will suck majorly. That's my Nostradamus-like prediction for 2006 and my message to the lockstep cuntservatives who cry hindsight every time I dare to criticize their pinheaded leader's latest Gilliganesque failure.

You know the kind of reality-defying Bush apologist crap: How could we have possibly predicted that the US invasion of Iraq would become al Qaeda's best ever recruiting tool? How could we have guessed that the war would actually result in dead soldiers? Who could have known that voting for Bush would unleash the most maniacal authoritarian regime on America since the Mao/Pol Pot parallel-universe ticket of year zero? There you go... hindsight is 20/20.

But should a full-scale, PNAC inspired preemptive strike on Iran occur in Spring this year, at least the cuntservatives can't accuse Fried Wire of smart-assery after the fact. Nor can they cry hindsight when I lay a bet that the most likely excuse will be a faked Tonkin Gulf style defensive pretext. Obviously, the Bush junta can no longer rely on serendipitous atrocities at home with bogus connections to invade-able countries (because Bush claims he is winning the war on terror) or fabricated evidence from tame foreign intelligence operatives (remember how that yellow cake thing backfired?). Yup, if the neocons really have their evil eye on an Iranian invasion, they'll do a Tonkin.

John 'Next President' McCain was on TV this morning pontificating about Iran's nuclear ambitions and reminding us that the use of American force is still on the table (like anyone doubted it's the only thing on Bush's table?). "A nuclear capability in Iran is unacceptable," he told F(oxymoron) News Sunday. The Next President went on to warn that "Iran's bid for nuclear weapons is the most serious foreign policy crisis since the end of the Cold War". But isn't it Bush's self-serving reaction that's turning it into the most serious foreign policy crisis since the end of the Cold War? Oh please, that's just liberal pablum...

Before plunging headlong into another colossal failure, perhaps the wingnut fans of our Dear Leader's strategy of 'preemptive' war should consider these salient facts (I'll even phrase them in downhome Bushisms they may understand more easily):

• Eye'ran is really big (nearly four times bigger than Eye'rack)
• Eye'ran has more folks (more than three times the population of Eye'rack)
• Eye'ran has a half-a-million man army and they all hate us for our freedoms
  

Globalsecurity.org, the creepy PNAC cheerleader Web site that supplies a significant proportion of the propaganda regurgitated by the ball-less American media, is getting antsy for an Iranian invasion. They reason that this disaster would be kept on hold until after the mid-terms in November:

"The US Congressional elections of 2006 will be held on Tuesday, November 7, 2006. It is improbable that the United States would launch strikes against Iran in the run-up to the election. However, as soon as the election concludes, domestic political inhibitions about the uncertain consequences of striking Iran would be greatly diminished."

Personally, I don't think Bush or any of his scions of darkness have the patience (or the sophistication) to wait that long. With Bush's approval ratings still tanking, it seems more likely that he'd rely on an invasion of Iran to boost his popularity with war fans at home before the mid-terms. And, of course, summer is out of the question because "from a marketing point of view, you don't introduce new products in August" said Chief of Staff Andrew Card on the timing of the Iraq invasion.

As we're doing so well taming the Wild East in Iraq, should anyone really fancy the odds of an apocalyptic ruckus with the ayatollahs? Twenty-twenty foresight? The war heads will invade Iran and it will suck balls. (top)

FURTHER PREDICTIONS PULLED FROM MY ALL-SEEING ASS:

	BUSH QUITTING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH LOVED ONES? Bush will be forced to step down by his own party after an angry world takes issue with his one-illegal-invasion too far. Who gives a rat's ass about world opinion? The top pols and corporate puppet masters who'll have major cows when inward investment by other nations in our economy dries up. That's who.

	DOLLAR GOES TURKISH LIRA? The Euro will replace the dollar as the world's reserve currency of choice thus weakening Bush's fragile economy to the point of total economic implosion and bloat the current $8,176,948,650,558.59 deficit into interstellar overdrive. Abu Mussab al-Zakawi will be captured just in time for the mid-term elections. But we'll all be too broke to give a shit.

DICK CHENEY TO RETIRE? Dick Cheney will have a fifth coronary and will vacate the throne of evil thus allowing John McCain a clear run at the presidency. As ruler of Hell, Satan worries for his job security after hearing news of Cheney's brush with the Reaper... The Democratic party (who?) will also go the way of flared pants and Betamax. Former dems nationwide will drink the McCain Kool-Aid and conclude that he's a Republican they can work with.

	ROVE TO CONFIRM GAYNESS? No-one will be jailed as a result of Plamegate or Abramoffgate (yup, let's just stick 'gate' at the end of that one too) though Karl 'Fairy Godfather' Rove will finally sashay out of the closet and admit to being so fruity he could give Richard Simmons gay lessons. (top)

"We yet realize that America's leadership and prestige depend, not merely upon our unmatched material progress, riches and military strength, but on how we use our power in the interests of world peace and human betterment."

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist."

"Disarmament, with mutual honor and confidence, is a continuing imperative. Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose."

"Can you smell money?!?!?!"

Jack Abramoff email

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