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You
could go your whole life without seeing any of these Web
sites. But what would the point be? If you enjoy browsing
dumb, weird or generally insane Web
sites, welcome to the Library of Congress of crazy.
LATEST
WEB COMPOST:
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See you in hell
A Satanist outreach site for the kids? Now that's what I call a faith-based initiative. Send your teens to the 'Teens For Satan E-Group' where "High Priests and Priestesses are on-line to answer any legitimate questions." |
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Hmm... dumbass you are
Just a hunch, but something tells me Finland's National Jedi Academy may not be a fully accredited seat of learning. This is the single ugliest Web site I've seen in years. A hat-tip to blind Jedi Web designers everywhere. Apparently, "one can join Jedi Academy approximately at the age of 15 with a permission from parents, if one feels to have honest and nobel [sic] character..." |
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With
its seamless blending of militarism and pet fetishism...
Pets
In Uniform could well be the ultimate all-American
Web site. Simply upload a picture of your dog/cat/exotic
and they'll do the rest. As they say "Worth
the cost of band aids alone for most people trying
to
dress up their cat." |
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Don't
forget: November 19 is World Toilet Day
Sometimes
its nearly impossible to distinguish weird fake sites
from weird real sites. At first glance, you might
assume worldtoilet.org to
be a joke. But after exploring the home
site of The World Toilet Organization it
would appear to be 100% real. |
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How
about The Balltrimmer for the
most no-nonsense product name ever?
Visit balltrimmer.com and "throw
away those scissors, razors, or beard trimmers," and
your dignity. Apparently,
shaved scrotums are no longer just for pole smokers,
porn stars and the aerodynamically obsessed. |
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Add
amazement and sparkle to your party...
...by
hiring these
weirdos to create a 'life size,
edible chocolate room' for you for a mere $5,000.
Definitely an example of the 'creating your
business plan
while high' school of entrepreneurialism -
like these
Asian guys who make shoes out of
computer keyboards. |
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How
bored are you?
Enough
to visit humanforsale.com to
calculate your own resale value? According
to the site, George W. Bush would be worth
$1,470,562 on the open market (though
I wasn't too sure about the penis
size
question when I filled out the form on his
behalf). Or how about
ageguess.com where
you get to guess the age of random strangers
online and maybe (given
the
preponderance
of
'Sexy Swinger' ads on the site) bone them too. |
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Cap'n
Crazy speaks
Listen
to some speeches
by L Ron Hubbard, the biggest
money-waster for the rich and dumb after plastic
surgery and cocaine. Hear him explain, for
example, how God wears
leopard skin and lives in a box and why John
Travolta's
son Jet's bedroom is modeled on the inside
of a DC8. Do yourself irreparable psychological
harm and listen to Jim
Jones' final 'Kool Aid' sermon recorded
live
at Jones
Town too. Not recommended as a party
sound track. |
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Eine
Kleine Sucks Musik
You
think you have annoying, stupid music just
because you have a couple of Lenny Kravitz
mp3s on your iTunes? You ain't seen/heard nothing
yet. Check out Mieskuoro
Huutajat - the Finnish
screaming male voice choir. Like hemorrhoids
for your ear hole. |
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The
world's most uninviting Web site?
Is
it possible to dream up a site as thoroughly unpleasant
as "The
Sounds of Oral Surgery?" Not only is this the
most disappointing use of the word 'oral' in any
context ever,
it's in German too. Gott in Himmel! |
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Anticlerical dumbassery
If you can get enough hits, there's a lot of money to be made putting up stupid Web sites to entertain the bored and/or puerile. Take, for example, the Church Sign Generator. It's at least two minutes of dumbass fun. |
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Everybody's
favorite hyperactive jewfro...
Ever
feel like your life was lacking something? Log
onto Richard
Simmons' Web site and check Richard's
daily message section for such gems as "It's
no secret that I have terrible – no AWFUL – feet!
I was born with them." Everything you need to
know and more. |
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You
want gross?
My
wife asked that I never speak to her again after I
described this site to her. I'll give you a clue: Have
you ever wondered what comes out of peoples' butts
after a session of colonics? Have you ever wanted to
see a picture gallery about it? I dare you to click
this beast. |
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Worst heavy metal band finally revealed
There
can be no other field of human endeavor so
littered with cringe-inducing idiocy
than the world of heavy metal. It's nigh
impossible to
single out
a
worst
example because there are just so many of them
vying for ridicule. But, in the case of these
guys, I think we may have a winner... |
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The
best Web site ever
Truly,
this site alone makes internet access worth having.
Never has so much impressive Javascript gone
into doing something so mind-blowingly puerile.
Mad props to pornolize.com. Go there,
type in your favorite URL and see what happens.
(Here's
one I did earlier) |
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Blow
it out your ass
A
penchant for chicks farting (a.k.a. flatuphilia)
doesn't do much for me, but bekkoame.ne.jp is
a great 'english as a third language' curiosity
for net cruisers. sexymisslizz.com is
another gas lover's resource. Check out the forum
if you want to feel nauseous, sad and confused
all at the same time. |
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Jesus
threads for bozos
Why
not prove you've got a dumb sense of humor—as
well as a skewed worldview—by visiting christianshirts.net and
buying something retarded to honor the son of
God? What the hell is "Get Stoned Like Paul"
supposed to mean anyway? |
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What
the fuck..?
Many
trad Jews and nutjob Christians are waiting for the
birth of a legendary red heifer to signal the beginning
of the Apocalypse. I say to you, weirdos, the Apocalypse
must already be well underway if this site (1) really
exists and (2) has any customers. manties.net |
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The
Stop Being Gay pill (as endorsed by Alan Keyes?)
The
mad scientists at hetracil.com are
flogging a drug to counteract homo-ness. Or,
as they put
it, to "help the 16 million Americans
who suffer from Behavioral Effeminism and Male
Homosexuality
Disorder." Fortunately (or unfortunately for this
page) it turns out to be a parody
site. Yup, fooled me. |
SPIRITUALITY
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Would
you buy a used religion from this man?
This
guy might look like an uncle you were once
warned to stay away from. Even if he's not
a registered pedophile, the rule should still
hold good. L Ron Hubbard made millions from
a retarded pseudo-religion that he is said
to have made up for a bet when he was high.
Find out all the top secret phooey here.
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Horny
bastards
The
funniest part of this site is the account of
how they won an Apple Mac Web design award only
to find that Apple's lawyers weren't exactly
big on having the 'Made With A Mac' endorsement
featured on Satan's homepage. Catch up with all
the latest news from Hell at churchofsatan.com |
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Satan's
for pussies
Surprisingly,
this site wasn't a featured link on the previous
one. These parasitic, psychopathic shitbags are
really not funny though. Please, someone hack
them with furious vengeance... halliburton.com |
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Irwin
who..?
You may know him as that old guy on the front of the Viking catalog,
but Irwin Helford is a fully-fledged celebrity with his own fan club
homepage. "A celebration of Viking Direct's very own unique customer
friendly chairman". Sadly, Irwin is set to retire in 2005 - this
may be the last chance for an adoring public to pay homage. folkdirect.com
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Not
endorsed by the Vatican
Divine Interventions is the "home of the Baby Jesus butt plug and
more." They specialize in ecumenical religious iconography in the
form of dildos and other sex accessories. Not everyone's cup of tea I'd
guess, but there's some nice use of Flash. divine-interventions.com
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Woooooh!
Ghost detectors and UFO detectors for sale. "This Ghost Detector
has Features found only in expensive detection systems. Three separate
sensing systems are set for the X, Y and Z axis and summed to give a
readout." abateelectronics.com
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SHOPPING
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My
Big Fat American Crapper
If
your butt is so freakin' vast that you can
no longer sit comfortably on the pot, you
can do one of two things: 1. Cut down on
the multi-million calorie lifestyle or 2.
Buy a bigger toilet. The folks at greatjohn.com can
help you with option two.
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Be
just like Bush
And
get picture proof that Jesus Christ is at
your side at all times. Just send these weirdos
a snap of yourself and they'll send you back
an 8 x 10 glossy, suitable for framing, of
you and Himself: heavenlyimages.com The
perfect Hanukkah gift...
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Get
ahead in the property game
Here's
a golden opportunity for property investors
who like to think outside the box. At moonestates.com you
can buy plots on Mars (less than 25 bucks
an acre - no utility hook ups). Imagine the
satisfaction of being able to call NASA and
say "Hey! Get off my land..."
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What
would Jesus snack on?
I
thought this was a joke, but, pathetically,
it seems to be a genuine enterprise. Holy
crap: Buy biblical food online (containing
the seven foods of Deuteronomy 8:8). This
Web site is tantamount to a litmus test for
the cretinism of our culture and an insult
to anyone with an intelligence quotient in
excess of 35. Great! logia.net
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A
timeless design classic — still available
This
is an official link-to service as offered on
their Web site. Why and for whom? I'm really
not sure... kalashnikov.guns.ru |
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Free
and cheap music for free and cheap people
If
you have never used allofmp3.com or mp3search.ru I
couldn't legally advise you to do so. They
take PayPal in $20 increments and charge
a cent per Mb of music downloaded. These
sites are legal (at least in the Russian
Federation). So why pay greedy bastards like
the iTunes store? But if cheap is too much,
try these people before they go to prison: mp34u.com
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Pee
like a dude
If
you are a guy who thinks the only thing you have
left over women is your God-given ability to
piss standing up, forget it. The makers of the
Magic Cone promise: "Magic Cone is a means
through which females can urinate in standing
position. Magic Cone helps you to be less undressed,
while urinating, comparing to the ordinary ways." magic-cone.com |
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Oh,
just fuck off
Would
anyone really want to buy the crap robot
off 'Short Circuit?' milwaukeemachineman.
Or how about "the Klingon Language Institute" which "continues
its mission of bringing together individuals
interested in the study of Klingon linguistics
and culture, and providing a forum for discussion
and the exchange of ideas." Oh, really,
just fuck off... kli.org
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TRAVEL
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Like
watching paint dry, but without the adrenaline rush
Travel,
virtually, to an unremarkable house in an
unremarkable part of Texas and snoop around
via a series of webcams at drivemeinsane.com The
best part is being able to switch the lights
on and off via the Web. It's just like doing
it for real only less interesting...
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Web
access of Evil
One
thing everyone can agree on is that North
Korea is a weird, impoverished dump. The
good news is that they have a home page.
And it is weird and impoverished too. Go
to korea-dpr.com to
curb your wanderlust...
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What
every traveler needs to know
"Sodomy
laws are any of the many laws which criminalize
non-reproductive, non-commercial, consensual
sex between adults in private" they
say. Before immersing oneself in the world
of filth and depravity, check to make sure
that the usual feelings of self-loathing
and regret will not be accompanied by any
awkward legal consequences at sodomylaws.org
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Next
time you get abducted
This
is the place to go to report alien related
experiences. Whether you got Shang Hai-ed
by Venusians or just gang-probed by a bunch
of frisky grays, here's you non-judgmental
support group. Never even seen a UFO? Just
go there anyway and make something up. ufocenter.com
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Just
say no
Travelers:
Learn how to say 'no' to rough gay sex, heroin,
spicy food, etc. in over 520 different languages.
You could learn 'excuse me' and 'please'
too. But screw that... elite.net/~runner/jennifers/no.htm
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LIFESTYLE
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Body modification and librarians?
The very essence of a niche Web site? Visit the Modified Librarian at http://www.bmeworld.com/gailcat/. "Here we will discuss the concept and practice of body modification as it relates to librarians as persons and professionals." They say.
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Anyone
for clown porn?
Clowns
creep me out and the whole porn genre is
deeply boring. But clown porn?! You gotta
click it (just once) inspite of yourself... http://www.knottyclown.com/index2.html "The
sexiest clown girls on the internet tied
and pied for your pleasure" they boast...
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Another
racy clown
Fans
of conceptual paradoxes (can you pluralize
paradox?) will appreciate "The World's
Fastest Clown" Web site which also claims
to be "America's #1 rated elementary
school drug prevention program." But
someone's smoking crack surely... http://www.worldsfastestclown.com/
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Oops.
There'll be another one along in a minute
Ever
watch the news and notice the uncanny regularity
with which buses will swerve off the road
somewhere in the world and crash for no apparent
reason? For those of a morbid bent, keep
track of all your favorite bussing disasters
at: http://users.lmi.net/tcs55/index.html home
of the "Bus Plunge Archives" (so
now you know where it is...)
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My
vasectomy in pictures
It's
hard to imagine why someone would post
this site http://www.my-vasectomy.com/.
But some of it is quite entertaining with
descriptions like: "The only disconcerting
observations are (A) some smoke and sparks
from your scrotal hairs and skin (B) the
smell of burning flesh."
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So
boring it's interesting... almost
A
cornucopia, nay a veritable treasure trove,
of... discarded shopping lists. Slamming! grocerylists.org For
lovers of all kinds of random lists in general
go to: eecis.udel.edu/~eckman/misc/mail/lists.html some
will amuse, some will just inspire unamused
pity. Kinda like my link section...
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Calling
all gooch ticklers
The
homepage for the World Beard and Moustache
Championships (Carson City hosted it last
year - in your face, Athens!) worldbeardchampionships.com
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For
the disabled, or just plain lazy, who like shooting
stuff
Somebody
had to think of it eventually and, of course,
it was someone in Texas. Some tech savvy
rednecks have set up a camera assisted remote
control rifle in a field that you operate
from the comfort of home, via their Web site.
You get the chance to kill stuff (sheep,
pigs, that kinda thing) over the Web and,
for an extra charge, they'll even send you
the meat. live-shot.com
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It
was a dog's life
Have
a dead dog that was dear to you? mogdoggy.com is
an online memorial hall where your canine
obits can be posted for posterity. Apparently
cats get to doggy cyber-heaven too. It's
ecumenicalism gone mad...
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Not
half-cocked either
Mike
The Headless Chicken? On the Web, a chicken
without a head can assume celebrity. It's
true - I have time on my hands (though obviously
not as much as the guy who made this Web
site: miketheheadlesschicken.org)
or flickit.com/mike.html
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An
invaluable fucking resource indeed
Learn to swear internationally for business or pleasure, at insultmonger.com |
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No
one must go here. Ever. Really
Probably
the most famous site on the Web, rotten.com
is the last word in disturbing, gross and
revolting images (though, like the stoned
rat pictured here, some of it's cute). It
feels like my duty to list them in my links
section because, if you like that sort of
thing, this is truly the mother lode. rotten.com
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Do
people really do that? You betcha!
It's
kind of interesting, in an anthropological/sociological
way, to see x-rays of the kind of stuff people
shove up their asses. Go to well.com.
For more serious students of the proctological
arts, knock yourself out at proctosite.com.
I dare you to look at their image gallery.
God knows, I wouldn't...
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E
HOLLYWOOD
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From
elfin ice nymph to psycho double bagger
"For
good or bad, Tonya Harding has been the most
influential person in Figure Skating history,
and in all sports history, second only to
Mohammad Ali." Says Tonya on her home
page. Now I keep imagining Mohammad Ali figure skating. tonyaharding.com
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I
was Rick James, bitch
This
'death hag' in L.A. has 8,000 hits a day
(he says). It's like a gonzo E Hollywood
channel where death and celebrity intersects,
with a lot of cool incidental stuff like: "The
Reagans lived on St. Cloud Road in Bel Air.
Their address is 668. The house was actually
a gift to them upon his retirement from the
Presidency, and originally, the address of
the house was 666, but Nancy had it changed." findadeath.com
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Like
there has to be a point..?
Complete
with discussion forums, an online store,
and a monthly newsletter, Ben Schumin's site
is totally devoted to the otherwise uneventful
life of Ben Schumin. His 'Life And Times'
page boasts, almost breathlessly, "Watch
as my mother, sister, and I shop at the Staunton
Wal-Mart. Watch as my friends Becky and Rebecca
and I shop at the Harrisonburg and Dayton
Wal-Marts. Watch our screened-in porch go
up... Watch it all." I salute you, corpulent
Sir, as a kindred spirit. schuminweb.com
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An
enigma wrapped in a paradox
What
can it be like to be the single weirdest
looking guy on the planet who is technically
normal? What is it that's wrong with him?
Why is he all bulked up like an orange Incredible
Hulk these days? carrottop.com
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ART
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what
a brick
I
used to love Lego. Notice that I say 'used
to.' But this grown ass man seems never to
got the lego monkey off his back: ericharshbarger.org.
This site is like a homage to Lego, misguided
creativity and amphetamines (OK, I'm guessing
the last one).
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Got
wood?
These
nutjobs make 'art' out of bits of misshapen
wood and fuzzy felt to display at their 'museum.' "We
are proud to be a member of the American
Association of Museums and a member of the
Association of Indiana Museums" they
boast. Either they are lying, or the Association
of Indiana Museums is not exactly the world's
pickiest institution. greenwood-art-museum.com
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Uber-dumb
waste of bandwidth
Slightly
unnerving, crude collages of animals with
human smiles. Like something a psychopath
would do after being lobotomized and subjected
to massive doses of experimental antidepressants.
Fall in love with the happy pets at: allhappypets.com
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Dude,
get help
This
guy probably thinks the 'rude vegetables'
stuff is cute and amusing, but it's way too
weird and betrays too much obsessive attention
to detail to be healthy. It was probably
like one of those porno shoot scenarios where
the photographer gets into it with the models... masher.co.uk/Misc/Humour/Pictures/rude_vegetables.htm
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