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OFFICIAL:
BUSH GOOD FOR BUSINESS
December
21, 2008
It's
been a long time since Eisenhower
shuffled off this mortal coil.
Now it's bizarre to wonder
how the hell
Republicans
ever
got tagged
'the party of business'. As
markets continue to slide into
cannibalistic disaster
and the Republicans do nothing
other than stand around looking
confused, it's
clear
no-one's getting rich (only
super-rich-er) under Bush-brand
Republicanism.
But there is
good news for business. At
least for Turkish shoemakers.
When
Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi
attacked Bush, it created
a
major buzz for the Baydan Ayakkabicilik
shoe company. Now their gracefully
aerodynamic model 271 shoes (as
seen on CNN) are
to be renamed the "The Bush
Shoe."
Since the incident,
there have been more than 300,000
orders
for "The Bush Shoe" from
all over the Arab and non-Arab
world including a 4,000-pair
order from a company in Maryland.
Baydan Ayakkabicilik's now taken
on 100 more staff to meet
demand and built a fancy, Flash-based
Web site.
Now it's actually plausible to
say George Bush is good for business,
you can almost imagine the thoughts
ticking in Detroit. Damn, if only
someone would try and run the bastard
over in a Chevy, people would start
buying our shitty cars again. (Link
to this)
RANDOM,
CAFFEINATED BLATHERING
December
19, 2008
All
hail Orson Welles and may God take a dump on Billy Mays.
Billy
Mays. Shouty c***.
I
forced myself to rewatch Citizen
Kane the other night and am experiencing
another Orson Welles man crush.
Sometimes it's easy to remember
him only as the fat, posh guy
off TV ads in the 70s,
but the guy made Citizen Kane
when he was twenty f***ing five!
What a magnificent genius bastard!
Plus
he was born poor, got rich honestly
through hard
work and talent, and dodged persecution
as a big pro-working class activist
during the McArthy purges. It's
sad that America isn't more proud
of
a cultural
hero who perfectly
personifies what's supposed to
be the "American Dream".
Damn, if he'd been French or Russian,
he'd be on banknotes now, have
statues of himself in city squares
and his own national holiday.
But
if, like Welles, you speak up for
those icky poor folks and irritate
the
wealth-owning
power, you can't be a premier league
hero in America. Which is exactly
what happened and why he ended
up flogging booze in a cape during
his twilight years instead of running
Hollywood.
Can we wonder
if the example of Obama's election
will go someway to correcting America's
weird conformity to undeserved
authority that makes everyone snub
people like Welles and not
give them the props they deserve?
And will Obama follow up on his
fancy campaign talk about making
American school kids familiar with
poetry, music and all that artsy,
mind-broadening
stuff? If so, we might one day
learn to appreciate our geniuses
instead of just sticking up for
the man like a bunch of philistinic
(yes, it's a word) pussies.
Just to balance my admiration
of Orson Welles with contempt for
someone else, let's consider Billy
Mays. That shouty c*** is almost
singlehandedly
ruining TV. (Link
to this)
THE
WEEK IN VIOLENCE
December
17, 2008
Random
news items tied loosely together
by a concocted theme. What am
I? Chris
Matthews?
Have
been way too busy watching the
Bush/shoes incident on a loop to
mention it earlier. Two thoughts:
(1) I wish Iraqi journalists wore
1970s platform soles made of nature's
heaviest, densest and most explosive
wood and (2) Bush has impressive
reflexes for a 62-year-old ex(?)
alcoholic who looks like he's running
on around thirty minutes of fitful,
guilt-ridden sleep per night. Perhaps
this will
be all many of us will ever
admire about him?
Too bad White House Press Secretary
(and blonde one off Laverne and
Shirley lookalike) Dana
Perino got a black eye in the kerfuffle.
Wait. Who am I kidding? Couldn't
happen to a nicer person. That's
why, thanks to the cosmic karma of
the Dalai Llama and My Name Is Earl,
it usually doesn't.
In other violence news, a pissed off neighbor in Manchester, England took it out on a guy after a long-running noise disagreement took an ugly turn. How pissed off was he? Enough to
decapitate 63-year-old Patrick McGee and
throw his head in a dumpster. As
self-assertion counselors may advise,
there is a point at which you can
be too demonstrative.
And, just to push my concocted theme, names too can be a form of violence. Just ask 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's imbecilic dad who's all bent out of shape and claiming discrimination because his local ShopRite wouldn't decorate a cake with his son's name. Campbell claims he only called his kid Hitler because "no one else in the world would have that name." I can dig it. Just ask my son General Tojo Mussolini Jim Jones Fried Wire. (Sidenote: the miserable cake eventually got decorated at WalMart. Seems the Beast of Bentonville has a more laissez faire attitude to National Socialist baked goods.)
All for now. Seacrest out. (Link
to this)
BARNEY
V. THE INQUISITION
December
12, 2008
Not
much funny about torture? True, but...
Bob Singleton, better known as the voice of Barney The Dinosaur, has protested after finding out his song 'I Love You' has been used as an instrument of torture on the hapless detainees of Bushco's gulags. He said he was horrified that 'a song designed to make little children feel safe and loved was somehow going to threaten the mental state of adults and drive them to the emotional breaking point'.
Ethiopian-born Londoner Binyam Mohammed, 30, now a prisoner at Guantanamo, said men held with him at the CIA's 'Dark Prison' in Afghanistan ended up screaming and smashing their heads against walls, unable to endure any more. 'Plenty lost their minds,' he added. (Link
to this)
CAR
TROUBLE: THE ENEMY WITHIN
December 12, 2008
As
the chill winds of winter and economic
necessity howl outside Chez Fried
Wire like a sound effect reel from
Ice Station Zebra, I've been forced
to cut back on activities like sleep,
eating and blogging that do not generate
income (Sorry).
Senator
Mitch McConnell answers the question
"how many f***s do you not give
about
the
US auto industry?"
Man,
it's all gone Charles Dickens up in
this bitch. To my loyal readers, I
extend heartfelt apologies for being
unable to update for a while.
But now the stink of cuntservative
obnoxiousness begins to filter through
the faulty firewall of the mainstream
news once more...
I can
no
longer resist bitching about
these Republican bastards! I am impelled
to unsheathe the mouse of justice!
It's been a strange few weeks since
the black guy got elected. Remember
that? Bush has been busy admitting
he f***ed up
everything
royally - thus invalidating every excuse
and argument advanced on his behalf
by America's loyal wingnuts during
the past 80% of this decade. And, like
many non-wingnuts, I've found myself
choking on unfamiliar phrases like "I
agree with the president".
I've also had to adjust to not reflexively
flipping off the screen every time
a guy behind a presidential seal appears
on TV. It's been a weird trip.
But, to quote Harvey Keitel in Reservoir
Dogs, let's not start sucking each
other's dicks quite yet. The world
doesn't change. It just adjusts. As
the power balance shifts, so too does
the
sleaze balance.
The torch of graft has
not gone out... it's just been passed
left.
Now a new turd bobs up with an unaccustomed
blue-ish hue... It's Rod
Blagojevich coming to show how
Dems can be just as big a bunch of
Olympian grade c***s as Reps. "I've
got this thing and it's fucking golden.
I'm just not giving it up for fucking
nothing," says Rod. He's right.
It's called power and a Democrat could
almost be forgiven for becoming possessed
by the tingle of its dark side through
the novelty of it's familiarity.
But having power snatched back from
them by Democrats has not weakened
the cuntservative resolve to remain
the biggest dicks on the block. Blagojevich
notwithstanding, the gutter of politics
is still very much where cuntservative
memes go to grow. There
may be colonies of blue bugs down
there, but if the thinkers of the
American Right have anything to do
with it, the gutter will swim red
for as long as there are still people
out
there bitter and stupid enough to
listen to them.
Take the auto industry bailout. Summarize
the situation: government bails out
the unrestrained criminals of Wall
Street with blank checks, courtesy
BJs and fawning eagerness. But the
same Government only frowns and throws
a few reluctant pennies
in the direction of guys in Michigan
who actually build stuff
and create jobs for Americans. Why?
Because the weasels in DC admire
those finance industry thieves and
all their ruthless chicanery. It bores
the pants off them to think
about people actually making stuff
that's useful instead. So f*** you,
boring old auto industry.
The average Democratic representative
might still cling to blue collar cues
like a residual tic. He might
even be able to muster sincerity
when talking about the preservation
of American jobs. But the Republicans?
Those pricks get away with impulses
short only of pissing on Washington's
grave in terms of their all-out anti-Americanism.
For them, the only problems associated
with the US auto industry are: (i)
How soon can it be shut down? (ii)
How quickly can the foreign companies
rush in, kill off the UAW and push
thousands more Americans below
the poverty line? (iii) How much will
all that add to my retirement fund?
The term 'representative of the people'
seems bitterly oxymoronic when applied
to Republican
charlatans
like Mitch
McConnell and Richard Shelby (the two
biggest gobs open in opposition to the
auto bailout). Their careers are devoted
almost entirely to disadvantaging American
workers and undermining our industry. So
which f*** people are they representing
anyway? The shareholders at VW? The management
of Toyota? The disco-dancing head loppers
in charge of the United Arab Emirates?
Sure as hell ain't those humps in
Kentucky and Alabama respectively who elected
their porcine asses.
And there's more...
Question: How could you roll those
twin cuntservative enthusiasms of screwing
minorities and destroying
American industry together into one big
ball of
perspectively-skewed spite? Easy. Check
out the discourse at Right
Michigan:
"Hundreds of United Auto Workers locals have converged at the Marriott Hotel in the Renaissance Center this morning, and many are prepared to be asked by top UAW leaders to reopen national labor agreements that will allow for a vast overhaul of the way autoworkers are paid, the health and retiree benefits they receive, and determine how many will hold on to their jobs... They could save some $$ by eliminating benefits to partners of same-sex couples. Anyone discussing that??"
There
you have it. Not that the wingnuts want to solve the auto industries
problems, but if they actually did, they'd sagely suggest more
anti-gay discrimination as a cure. Commenter Eric T says:
"The traditional family: the man goes to work and the wife stays home. You can see why the family benefits are needed. With two guys, They should both be out working, there really is no excuse for one guy to be staying home, and needing a near bankrupt company to pay his benefits."
For
now, let's overlook the fact that 'Leave It To Beaver' was still in the development
stage last time single income households were an economically viable
option for
working families. Instead, let's give Eric T his rightful props: It all
makes sense. It's not graft, unchecked greed and direct sabotage by those
cuntservatives upon whose every word you hang that's destroyed our industrial
base and spanked
the economy. It's those damn queers and their fancy rights again!
If only we could devise a way of squeezing the same mileage from a gallon
of gas as cuntservatives do from a drop of irrational prejudice, our beleagured
auto industry would be the envy of the world. (Link
to this)
CORPORATE
WELFARE AND TAXPAYER RAPE
November
15, 2008
When
corporate greed meets incompetent government,
it looks like this: AIG got bailed out
by the feds last week to the tune of
$150 billion. This week they set aside
$503 billion in compensation for executives.
Slap in the face to the American taxpayer?
More like a brutal, unlubricated ass-shafting
by chortling goons in sock suspenders.
(Link
to this)
OBAMA:
IS HE HITLER OR JUST THE
DEVIL?
November
15, 2008
All aboard the crazy train with
Father Fathead and Congressman Loony
Tunes... You voted Obama? Well, you got
Hitler and, bonus, now you're going
to hell!
Oh
my God! What were we thinking when we elected
Obama?! According to the demagogues and
bobbleheads in the front lines of Bill
O'Reilly and Newt Gingrich's interminable
culture war, we've screwed up big time.
According to South Carolina Roman
Catholic priest Jay Scott Newman we have "put
our souls at risk" by voting for a pro-life
candidate which constitutes "material
cooperation with intrinsic evil."
Newman pontificates that Obama is "the
most radical pro-abortion politician ever
to serve in the United States Senate or to
run for president." I'm sure less fevered
minds would have at least one of two reasoned
responses for Jay Scott Newman:
1. F*** you Father Newman
2. How did the promised reversal of Roe v.
Wade work out for you during 8 straight years
of pro-life Bush rule?
One day these single-issue dullards will
wake up and realize they've all been duped
for decades by 'pro-life' Republicans who
swear up and down they'll criminalize abortion
but never do. Why the hell would they want
to? They'd be killing off the only reason
so many morons vote for them. Politics isn't
about fixing stuff. It's about pretending
you want to fix stuff that bugs the voters,
then slyly doing absolutely nothing once
elected. And, pro-lifers, how the hell do
you expect to get Roe v. wade overturned
when only 10%
of America thinks it should be?
That's about the same fringe loon percentage
of Americans who approve of polygamy (8%);
think human
cloning would be cool (11%) and are very
positive about George Bush (11%).
But if you prefer your moronic political
smears to be more secular in nature, you
might like
Republican congressman Paul
Broun's stance on Obama. He "has accused Barack
Obama of being a Marxist with secret plans
to take
over the country, abolish all rights and
rule as dictator just as Hitler did."
Yup, the dullards of Athens, GA, actually
elected a dribbling pinhead who's so outrageously
full of shit he'd probably get turned down
by the KKK for being too opinionated. Ain't
democracy grand?
These are times of flux for America's bigots.
Never before has blackness and Nazism been
so improbably but casually conflated outside
of Zimbabwe (at least Mugabe has the mustache).
Never
before have gun-totin', Jeezuz-lovin' Anglo
Saxon minority-haters had the chance to stand
up and call a black man a Nazi without people
doing that little finger twirl over the temple
thing at them. Strange times indeed.
And how much stranger for those unfortunate
Obama supporters who had to endure
swastikas and phrases like "go back
to Africa" painted
on their cars during the campaign only to
find out they'd been supporting a Nazi all
along? Doh! (Link
to this)
SOWING
THE SEEDS OF IDIOCRACY? YOU BETCHA!
November
11, 2008
"I'm like, OK, God, if there
is an open door for me somewhere, this is
what I always
pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open
door, and if there is an open door in '12
or four years later, and if it is something
that is going to be good for my family, for
my state, for my nation, an opportunity for
me, then I'll plow through that door."
Sarah Palin
Some
might suggest the McCain campaign went bust
overestimating the stupidity of
the
American people. Others appear to think
they just weren't presumptuous enough. Hence
Palin 2012... yikes!
The
Wasilla Mussolini has spoken.
Yea, let it be heeded by the bible thumpers
and flag huggers of "Real
America": Sarah Palin says she wouldn't
hesitate to run for the presidency in four
years "if it's God's will."
God's will? Nothing like taking a big constitution-challenging
dump on the separation of church and state
with the very first pronouncement of your four-year
campaign for world domination. Nothing like
sounding exactly like those dusky fundamentalists
overseas who hate America and would like to
blow up all our sh** that hasn't already been
repo'd. Nothing like mistaking your own country
for a pack of pliant lobotomites who'd have
followed Hitler around like lost puppies if
he'd had jugs
and a snappy line in Bible-oriented hick
speak.
I guess you may as well start as you mean to
carry
on.
But not everything that flies out of Palin's
trap like a diseased bat from a cave at sundown
is completely false and/or ridiculous. "It's
amazing that we did as well as we did," she
said of the election in a separate interview
with the Anchorage Daily News. In the interests
of the bipartisan reach, I'd second that opinion.
(Link
to this)
HANNITY
LIED
November
8, 2008
I
have no real idea how Google works so it's
all pretty much a mystery to me. But why
would Google take it upon itself to automatically
query my search term 'Hannity lied' and suggest
'Hannity lies' instead? It won't do it for
any other name. Weird but, admittedly, more
accurate.
RUSTLING
FROM THE POST-NEOCON TRASH BAG OF HISTORY
November
8, 2008
Gingrich/Palin 2012? O.M.G:
"There is a
strong feeling in Republican ranks that [Gingrich]
is the only leader of their party who has shown
the skill and energy to attempt a comeback quickly."
Robert Novak, Washingtonpost.com
"Good heavens, Novak, aren't you
dead yet?"
Gasmonkey, Washingtonpost.com comments
The anti-Palin backlash:
"It's mean spirited. It's immature.
It's unprofessional, and those guys are jerks"
Sarah Palin
So
said the Wasilla Hillbilly when asked by CNN
about the recent spate of bitching
about her by McCain staffers. Shame CNN didn't
have the balls to ask about the irony of
that
statement
in light of her
own words causing a spike in death threats against
Obama and his
family during the campaign. I guess CNN thought
the interview time would be better spent discussing
her geographic failings and her hooker-like penchant
for freebie clothes instead of how a presidential
campaign sank to inciting the assassination of
their rival.
The
Secret Service warned the Obama family
in mid October that they had seen a dramatic
increase
in the number of threats against
the Democratic candidate, coinciding with Mrs
Palin's attacks. Michelle
Obama, the future First Lady, was
so upset that she turned to her friend and
campaign adviser
Valerie Jarrett and said: "Why
would they try to make people hate
us?"
Just
in case you had fallen into the trap
of feeling pity for Palin now she's
gone from McCain mascot to kerb trash,
just remember how this c*** knowingly
whipped up potentially homicidal
hatred against Obama. This
is the person 64%
of Republican voters want to run in
2012? God help them. And everyone
else. (Link
to this)
REALITY'S
A BITCH: SEERS WE NO LONGER NEED
TO HEED
November
7, 2008
Of
course, Bill Kristol is famously wrong
about everything and is probably immune to embarrassment.
But who else thought Obama stood no chance? Which
other opinionated p**cks are feeling a little
more irrelevant round about now? (Link
to this)
"Obama
Can't Win Against Palin."
(Karl
Rove)
"He
cannot win, Bill. He cannot win."
(Hillary
Clinton to Bill Richardson)
"[McCain will]
win huge."
(Bill
Kristol)
"Obama will not win Michigan."
(Mitt
Romney) Obama
won Michigan 57.4% over 40.9%
"Barack Obama Will Not Win Louisiana."
(Jeff
Crouere) Obama
won Louisiana 58.6% over 39.9%
"We believe this will again show
Hillary is ready to win and Senator Obama really
can't win a general election."
(Clinton
strategist Mark Penn)
"Why Obama Can't Win."
(Alex
Castellanos)
"Obama can’t win. It’s not that
complex, really. He just can’t win."
(Bob
Lonsberry)
"For months now, I have been reassuring
my right-leaning friends that Barack Obama will
not
be elected president."
(Steven
M. Warshawsky)
"Hillary beats McCain and Obama loses
to McCain. Period."
(Astrophysicist
Neil Degrasse Tyson using a 'proven' statistical modeling theory developed
by politically interested science types)
"Why Obama Will Never Win."
(Ronda
Miller, the Citizen Journalism Academy)
"Why Obama Will NEVER Win a General
Election."
(Anti-Obama site nobo2008.com)
THE
GOLDEN TURD AWARD
November
7, 2008
Fried
Wire bestows the newly minted Golden Turd award for
dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks and/or plain evil blogging
in the face of logical
absurdity to... Elect
Jeff for his
interpretation of what happened on Tuesday.
For Jeff, Obama was elected "simply
because he was a black man" in what was presumably
the most blatant example of quota abuse in
history. Wow. Seems
like only yesterday when non-whiteness stopped
you getting elected. Now it makes you a shoo-in?
How
far we have come as a society.
Jeff signs off by concluding "I’m
sure Martin Luther King looked down from heaven
with sadness when Barack Obama was elected. It may seem
like we’ve come so far as a nation, but really
we just did the the complete reverse of Dr. King’s
dream."
Ah... those wingnuts! If anyone feared the election
of President Barack Obama might lead to an American
rapprochement with common sense and the concept
of shared humanity, thus leaving us smug liberals
less to
sigh
about, fear
not: Small minded tools like Jeff will ensure there'll
still be much to offend you during the coming years.
(Link to this)
HA!
November
5, 2008
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