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OBAMA/BIDEN 2008... PALIN/ANGRY MOB 2012?
 
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OFFICIAL: BUSH GOOD FOR BUSINESS

December 21, 2008

It's been a long time since Eisenhower shuffled off this mortal coil. Now it's bizarre to wonder how the hell Republicans ever got tagged 'the party of business'. As markets continue to slide into cannibalistic disaster and the Republicans do nothing other than stand around looking confused, it's clear no-one's getting rich (only super-rich-er) under Bush-brand Republicanism.

But there is good news for business. At least for Turkish shoemakers.

When Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi attacked Bush, it created a major buzz for the Baydan Ayakkabicilik shoe company. Now their gracefully aerodynamic model 271 shoes (as seen on CNN) are to be renamed the "The Bush Shoe."

Since the incident, there have been more than 300,000 orders for "The Bush Shoe" from all over the Arab and non-Arab world including a 4,000-pair order from a company in Maryland. Baydan Ayakkabicilik's now taken on 100 more staff to meet demand and built a fancy, Flash-based Web site.

Now it's actually plausible to say George Bush is good for business, you can almost imagine the thoughts ticking in Detroit. Damn, if only someone would try and run the bastard over in a Chevy, people would start buying our shitty cars again. (Link to this)

RANDOM, CAFFEINATED BLATHERING

December 19, 2008

All hail Orson Welles and may God take a dump on Billy Mays.

Billy Mays. Shouty c***.

I forced myself to rewatch Citizen Kane the other night and am experiencing another Orson Welles man crush. Sometimes it's easy to remember him only as the fat, posh guy off TV ads in the 70s, but the guy made Citizen Kane when he was twenty f***ing five! What a magnificent genius bastard!

Plus he was born poor, got rich honestly through hard work and talent, and dodged persecution as a big pro-working class activist during the McArthy purges. It's sad that America isn't more proud of a cultural hero who perfectly personifies what's supposed to be the "American Dream". Damn, if he'd been French or Russian, he'd be on banknotes now, have statues of himself in city squares and his own national holiday.

But if, like Welles, you speak up for those icky poor folks and irritate the wealth-owning power, you can't be a premier league hero in America. Which is exactly what happened and why he ended up flogging booze in a cape during his twilight years instead of running Hollywood.

Can we wonder if the example of Obama's election will go someway to correcting America's weird conformity to undeserved authority that makes everyone snub people like Welles and not give them the props they deserve? And will Obama follow up on his fancy campaign talk about making American school kids familiar with poetry, music and all that artsy, mind-broadening stuff? If so, we might one day learn to appreciate our geniuses instead of just sticking up for the man like a bunch of philistinic (yes, it's a word) pussies.

Just to balance my admiration of Orson Welles with contempt for someone else, let's consider Billy Mays. That shouty c*** is almost singlehandedly ruining TV. (Link to this)

THE WEEK IN VIOLENCE

December 17, 2008

Random news items tied loosely together by a concocted theme. What am I? Chris Matthews?

Have been way too busy watching the Bush/shoes incident on a loop to mention it earlier. Two thoughts: (1) I wish Iraqi journalists wore 1970s platform soles made of nature's heaviest, densest and most explosive wood and (2) Bush has impressive reflexes for a 62-year-old ex(?) alcoholic who looks like he's running on around thirty minutes of fitful, guilt-ridden sleep per night. Perhaps this will be all many of us will ever admire about him?

Too bad White House Press Secretary (and blonde one off Laverne and Shirley lookalike) Dana Perino got a black eye in the kerfuffle. Wait. Who am I kidding? Couldn't happen to a nicer person. That's why, thanks to the cosmic karma of the Dalai Llama and My Name Is Earl, it usually doesn't.

In other violence news, a pissed off neighbor in Manchester, England took it out on a guy after a long-running noise disagreement took an ugly turn. How pissed off was he? Enough to decapitate 63-year-old Patrick McGee and throw his head in a dumpster. As self-assertion counselors may advise, there is a point at which you can be too demonstrative.

And, just to push my concocted theme, names too can be a form of violence. Just ask 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's imbecilic dad who's all bent out of shape and claiming discrimination because his local ShopRite wouldn't decorate a cake with his son's name. Campbell claims he only called his kid Hitler because "no one else in the world would have that name." I can dig it. Just ask my son General Tojo Mussolini Jim Jones Fried Wire. (Sidenote: the miserable cake eventually got decorated at WalMart. Seems the Beast of Bentonville has a more laissez faire attitude to National Socialist baked goods.)

All for now. Seacrest out. (Link to this)

BARNEY V. THE INQUISITION

December 12, 2008

Not much funny about torture? True, but...

Bob Singleton, better known as the voice of Barney The Dinosaur, has protested after finding out his song 'I Love You' has been used as an instrument of torture on the hapless detainees of Bushco's gulags. He said he was horrified that 'a song designed to make little children feel safe and loved was somehow going to threaten the mental state of adults and drive them to the emotional breaking point'.

Ethiopian-born Londoner Binyam Mohammed, 30, now a prisoner at Guantanamo, said men held with him at the CIA's 'Dark Prison' in Afghanistan ended up screaming and smashing their heads against walls, unable to endure any more. 'Plenty lost their minds,' he added. (Link to this)

CAR TROUBLE: THE ENEMY WITHIN

December 12, 2008

As the chill winds of winter and economic necessity howl outside Chez Fried Wire like a sound effect reel from Ice Station Zebra, I've been forced to cut back on activities like sleep, eating and blogging that do not generate income (Sorry).

Senator Mitch McConnell answers the question "how many f***s do you not give about the US auto industry?"

Man, it's all gone Charles Dickens up in this bitch. To my loyal readers, I extend heartfelt apologies for being unable to update for a while. But now the stink of cuntservative obnoxiousness begins to filter through the faulty firewall of the mainstream news once more... I can no longer resist bitching about these Republican bastards! I am impelled to unsheathe the mouse of justice!

It's been a strange few weeks since the black guy got elected. Remember that? Bush has been busy admitting he f***ed up everything royally - thus invalidating every excuse and argument advanced on his behalf by America's loyal wingnuts during the past 80% of this decade. And, like many non-wingnuts, I've found myself choking on unfamiliar phrases like "I agree with the president". I've also had to adjust to not reflexively flipping off the screen every time a guy behind a presidential seal appears on TV. It's been a weird trip.

But, to quote Harvey Keitel in Reservoir Dogs, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet. The world doesn't change. It just adjusts. As the power balance shifts, so too does the sleaze balance. The torch of graft has not gone out... it's just been passed left.

Now a new turd bobs up with an unaccustomed blue-ish hue... It's Rod Blagojevich coming to show how Dems can be just as big a bunch of Olympian grade c***s as Reps. "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden. I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing," says Rod. He's right. It's called power and a Democrat could almost be forgiven for becoming possessed by the tingle of its dark side through the novelty of it's familiarity.

But having power snatched back from them by Democrats has not weakened the cuntservative resolve to remain the biggest dicks on the block. Blagojevich notwithstanding, the gutter of politics is still very much where cuntservative memes go to grow. There may be colonies of blue bugs down there, but if the thinkers of the American Right have anything to do with it, the gutter will swim red for as long as there are still people out there bitter and stupid enough to listen to them.

Take the auto industry bailout. Summarize the situation: government bails out the unrestrained criminals of Wall Street with blank checks, courtesy BJs and fawning eagerness. But the same Government only frowns and throws a few reluctant pennies in the direction of guys in Michigan who actually build stuff and create jobs for Americans. Why? Because the weasels in DC admire those finance industry thieves and all their ruthless chicanery. It bores the pants off them to think about people actually making stuff that's useful instead. So f*** you, boring old auto industry.

The average Democratic representative might still cling to blue collar cues like a residual tic. He might even be able to muster sincerity when talking about the preservation of American jobs. But the Republicans? Those pricks get away with impulses short only of pissing on Washington's grave in terms of their all-out anti-Americanism. For them, the only problems associated with the US auto industry are: (i) How soon can it be shut down? (ii) How quickly can the foreign companies rush in, kill off the UAW and push thousands more Americans below the poverty line? (iii) How much will all that add to my retirement fund?

The term 'representative of the people' seems bitterly oxymoronic when applied to Republican charlatans like Mitch McConnell and Richard Shelby (the two biggest gobs open in opposition to the auto bailout). Their careers are devoted almost entirely to disadvantaging American workers and undermining our industry. So which f*** people are they representing anyway? The shareholders at VW? The management of Toyota? The disco-dancing head loppers in charge of the United Arab Emirates? Sure as hell ain't those humps in Kentucky and Alabama respectively who elected their porcine asses.

And there's more...

Question: How could you roll those twin cuntservative enthusiasms of screwing minorities and destroying American industry together into one big ball of perspectively-skewed spite? Easy. Check out the discourse at Right Michigan:

"Hundreds of United Auto Workers locals have converged at the Marriott Hotel in the Renaissance Center this morning, and many are prepared to be asked by top UAW leaders to reopen national labor agreements that will allow for a vast overhaul of the way autoworkers are paid, the health and retiree benefits they receive, and determine how many will hold on to their jobs... They could save some $$ by eliminating benefits to partners of same-sex couples. Anyone discussing that??"

There you have it. Not that the wingnuts want to solve the auto industries problems, but if they actually did, they'd sagely suggest more anti-gay discrimination as a cure. Commenter Eric T says:

"The traditional family: the man goes to work and the wife stays home. You can see why the family benefits are needed. With two guys, They should both be out working, there really is no excuse for one guy to be staying home, and needing a near bankrupt company to pay his benefits."

For now, let's overlook the fact that 'Leave It To Beaver' was still in the development stage last time single income households were an economically viable option for working families. Instead, let's give Eric T his rightful props: It all makes sense. It's not graft, unchecked greed and direct sabotage by those cuntservatives upon whose every word you hang that's destroyed our industrial base and spanked the economy. It's those damn queers and their fancy rights again!

If only we could devise a way of squeezing the same mileage from a gallon of gas as cuntservatives do from a drop of irrational prejudice, our beleagured auto industry would be the envy of the world. (Link to this)

CORPORATE WELFARE AND TAXPAYER RAPE

November 15, 2008

When corporate greed meets incompetent government, it looks like this: AIG got bailed out by the feds last week to the tune of $150 billion. This week they set aside $503 billion in compensation for executives. Slap in the face to the American taxpayer? More like a brutal, unlubricated ass-shafting by chortling goons in sock suspenders. (Link to this)

OBAMA: IS HE HITLER OR JUST THE DEVIL?

November 15, 2008



All aboard the crazy train with Father Fathead and Congressman Loony Tunes... You voted Obama? Well, you got Hitler and, bonus, now you're going to hell!

Oh my God! What were we thinking when we elected Obama?! According to the demagogues and bobbleheads in the front lines of Bill O'Reilly and Newt Gingrich's interminable culture war, we've screwed up big time.

According to South Carolina Roman Catholic priest Jay Scott Newman we have "put our souls at risk" by voting for a pro-life candidate which constitutes "material cooperation with intrinsic evil."

Newman pontificates that Obama is "the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president." I'm sure less fevered minds would have at least one of two reasoned responses for Jay Scott Newman:

1. F*** you Father Newman
2. How did the promised reversal of Roe v. Wade work out for you during 8 straight years of pro-life Bush rule?

One day these single-issue dullards will wake up and realize they've all been duped for decades by 'pro-life' Republicans who swear up and down they'll criminalize abortion but never do. Why the hell would they want to? They'd be killing off the only reason so many morons vote for them. Politics isn't about fixing stuff. It's about pretending you want to fix stuff that bugs the voters, then slyly doing absolutely nothing once elected. And, pro-lifers, how the hell do you expect to get Roe v. wade overturned when only 10% of America thinks it should be?

That's about the same fringe loon percentage of Americans who approve of polygamy (8%); think human cloning would be cool (11%) and are very positive about George Bush (11%).

But if you prefer your moronic political smears to be more secular in nature, you might like Republican congressman Paul Broun's stance on Obama. He "has accused Barack Obama of being a Marxist with secret plans to take over the country, abolish all rights and rule as dictator just as Hitler did."

Yup, the dullards of Athens, GA, actually elected a dribbling pinhead who's so outrageously full of shit he'd probably get turned down by the KKK for being too opinionated. Ain't democracy grand?

These are times of flux for America's bigots. Never before has blackness and Nazism been so improbably but casually conflated outside of Zimbabwe (at least Mugabe has the mustache). Never before have gun-totin', Jeezuz-lovin' Anglo Saxon minority-haters had the chance to stand up and call a black man a Nazi without people doing that little finger twirl over the temple thing at them. Strange times indeed.

And how much stranger for those unfortunate Obama supporters who had to endure swastikas and phrases like "go back to Africa" painted on their cars during the campaign only to find out they'd been supporting a Nazi all along? Doh! (Link to this)

SOWING THE SEEDS OF IDIOCRACY? YOU BETCHA!

November 11, 2008

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door, and if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."
Sarah Palin

Some might suggest the McCain campaign went bust overestimating the stupidity of the American people. Others appear to think they just weren't presumptuous enough. Hence Palin 2012... yikes!

The Wasilla Mussolini has spoken. Yea, let it be heeded by the bible thumpers and flag huggers of "Real America": Sarah Palin says she wouldn't hesitate to run for the presidency in four years "if it's God's will."

God's will? Nothing like taking a big constitution-challenging dump on the separation of church and state with the very first pronouncement of your four-year campaign for world domination. Nothing like sounding exactly like those dusky fundamentalists overseas who hate America and would like to blow up all our sh** that hasn't already been repo'd. Nothing like mistaking your own country for a pack of pliant lobotomites who'd have followed Hitler around like lost puppies if he'd had jugs and a snappy line in Bible-oriented hick speak. I guess you may as well start as you mean to carry on.

But not everything that flies out of Palin's trap like a diseased bat from a cave at sundown is completely false and/or ridiculous. "It's amazing that we did as well as we did," she said of the election in a separate interview with the Anchorage Daily News. In the interests of the bipartisan reach, I'd second that opinion. (Link to this)

HANNITY LIED

November 8, 2008

I have no real idea how Google works so it's all pretty much a mystery to me. But why would Google take it upon itself to automatically query my search term 'Hannity lied' and suggest 'Hannity lies' instead? It won't do it for any other name. Weird but, admittedly, more accurate.

RUSTLING FROM THE POST-NEOCON TRASH BAG OF HISTORY

November 8, 2008

Gingrich/Palin 2012? O.M.G:

"There is a strong feeling in Republican ranks that [Gingrich] is the only leader of their party who has shown the skill and energy to attempt a comeback quickly."
Robert Novak, Washingtonpost.com

"Good heavens, Novak, aren't you dead yet?"
Gasmonkey, Washingtonpost.com comments

The anti-Palin backlash:

"It's mean spirited. It's immature. It's unprofessional, and those guys are jerks"
Sarah Palin

So said the Wasilla Hillbilly when asked by CNN about the recent spate of bitching about her by McCain staffers. Shame CNN didn't have the balls to ask about the irony of that statement in light of her own words causing a spike in death threats against Obama and his family during the campaign. I guess CNN thought the interview time would be better spent discussing her geographic failings and her hooker-like penchant for freebie clothes instead of how a presidential campaign sank to inciting the assassination of their rival.

The Secret Service warned the Obama family in mid October that they had seen a dramatic increase in the number of threats against the Democratic candidate, coinciding with Mrs Palin's attacks. Michelle Obama, the future First Lady, was so upset that she turned to her friend and campaign adviser Valerie Jarrett and said: "Why would they try to make people hate us?"

Just in case you had fallen into the trap of feeling pity for Palin now she's gone from McCain mascot to kerb trash, just remember how this c*** knowingly whipped up potentially homicidal hatred against Obama. This is the person 64% of Republican voters want to run in 2012? God help them. And everyone else. (Link to this)

REALITY'S A BITCH: SEERS WE NO LONGER NEED TO HEED

November 7, 2008

Of course, Bill Kristol is famously wrong about everything and is probably immune to embarrassment. But who else thought Obama stood no chance? Which other opinionated p**cks are feeling a little more irrelevant round about now? (Link to this)

"Obama Can't Win Against Palin."
(Karl Rove)

"He cannot win, Bill. He cannot win."

(Hillary Clinton to Bill Richardson)

"[McCain will] win huge."
(Bill Kristol)

"Obama will not win Michigan."
(Mitt Romney) Obama won Michigan 57.4% over 40.9%

"Barack Obama Will Not Win Louisiana."
(Jeff Crouere) Obama won Louisiana 58.6% over 39.9%

"We believe this will again show Hillary is ready to win and Senator Obama really can't win a general election."

(Clinton strategist Mark Penn)

"Why Obama Can't Win."
(Alex Castellanos)

"Obama can’t win. It’s not that complex, really. He just can’t win."
(Bob Lonsberry)

"For months now, I have been reassuring my right-leaning friends that Barack Obama will not be elected president."
(Steven M. Warshawsky)

"Hillary beats McCain and Obama loses to McCain. Period."
(Astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson using a 'proven' statistical modeling theory developed by politically interested science types)

"Why Obama Will Never Win."
(Ronda Miller, the Citizen Journalism Academy)

"Why Obama Will NEVER Win a General Election."
(Anti-Obama site nobo2008.com)

THE GOLDEN TURD AWARD

November 7, 2008

Fried Wire bestows the newly minted Golden Turd award for dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks and/or plain evil blogging in the face of logical absurdity to... Elect Jeff for his interpretation of what happened on Tuesday.

For Jeff, Obama was elected "simply because he was a black man" in what was presumably the most blatant example of quota abuse in history. Wow. Seems like only yesterday when non-whiteness stopped you getting elected. Now it makes you a shoo-in? How far we have come as a society.

Jeff signs off by concluding "I’m sure Martin Luther King looked down from heaven with sadness when Barack Obama was elected. It may seem like we’ve come so far as a nation, but really we just did the the complete reverse of Dr. King’s dream."

Ah... those wingnuts! If anyone feared the election of President Barack Obama might lead to an American rapprochement with common sense and the concept of shared humanity, thus leaving us smug liberals less to sigh about, fear not: Small minded tools like Jeff will ensure there'll still be much to offend you during the coming years. (Link to this)

HA!

November 5, 2008

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