Holy Crap!
Evangelicals: when you're done fingering the kids with your prayer face on, what better way to repent than by ordering a talking Jesus from Holy Huggables? The Huggable talking Jesus (can double as Charles Manson) comes complete with a repertoire of 7 Bible verses. If this isn't dumb enough to sell in droves, God knows what is.. (Link to this)

It's the Most Weird Time of the Year...
"The White House Easter Bunny, usually a White House staffer dressed in a special White House rabbit suit, was introduced by Pat Nixon, wife of President Richard Nixon, in 1969." Says the White House Web site. Could it really be Karl Rove..?

On the left, Our Dear Leader fears that he's experiencing a delirium tremens hallucination while Bubba looks ever the statesman - even when posing with a six-foot tall bespectacled bunny. (Link to this)

Alan Jones: the Antipodean Rush Limbaugh
Some folks call them 'shock jocks,' some folks call them inadequate twats. Whatever your preference, isn't it nice to know that America isn't the only place in the world whose airwaves are infected? But at least Alan Jones, Sydney's answer to Rush Limbaugh, has the decency to label himself clearly (right).

Some of Jones career highlights include being charged with "outraging public decency" in a London public bathroom, inciting racial violence by calling on listeners to attend a 2005 anti-racist rally in Sydney for a "Leb and wog bashing day" and, according to former Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating, indulging in "middle-of-the-road fascism." Over to you, Rush. (Link to this)

Bush Sucks Face
September 2000: During his putsch, sorry, run for the presidency, Durr Fuehrer went on Oprah to whip up a few more votes. Bush admitted that he's a sinner who asked for forgiveness. Sinner? In 2000, he was only just getting started - a mere micro-sinner if you will. He also got mileage over Al Gore by kissing his host when Gore opted for just a stiff hand shake and robotic hug on his visit. Next time, Oprah, just take a tip from the sister on the right. (Link to this)

Welcome to Celebrity Hell
Celebrity look-alikes are a rich vein of both mirth and pathos. Imagine spending your life waiting for that magic call to appear at the opening of your local Costco while the thronging crowds wonder just who the hell you're supposed to be. Some of these guys can earn upwards of $50 a year I have heard.

Ah, the glamour of faux biz. Take, for example, Anthony Rais who is a 'remarkable Siegfried look-alike and a professional magician in his own right' who can turn any venue into a bad night out in Vegas. Although he doesn't appear to own tigers, he does provide 'ornate wardrobe for a Roy assistant chosen from the audience.'

More esoterically, Classique Productions also does a nice line in Dick Cheney look-alikes. What party, after all, would be complete without Dick? Personally, I'd love to hire both of these guys just to have the fake Cheney act out shooting the fake Siegfried before being mauled to death by an enraged fake tiger. Now that would be worth fifty bucks of anyone's money. (Link to this)

One Flies Out of the Cuckoo's Nest
Katharine Debrecht is the author of the kids' book "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!" May the Lord have mercy on her soul. Why not pump your little tykes full of Doc Frist's patent Thimerosal Tonic, buy them this piece of shit to read, and they'll be all set to ship out to Iraq (or Iran) at the behest of uncle George!

Let us remember, in parting, the words of Philip Larkin: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had and add some extra, just for you." So very true. (Link to this)

Colin Powell wakes up in Jakarta hotel room and says "I did what last night..?"
July 2004: Compared to the Neil Bush's Asian escapades, Colin Powell dressing up and performing a Village People number - complete with 'fabulous' dance moves - at the 2004 ASEAN Regional Forum in Jakarta was not so bad. Or was it? (story) Powell always blamed low-level intelligence failures in the run-up to the Iraq invasion for his eventual downfall. Looks like there was some kind of 'low-level intelligence failure' going on right there. (Link to this)

The voters go crazy for a dumb-assed man...
2001: Like any self-respecting Ivy League educated, Connecticut-born blue blood, George W. Bush is a big fan of ZZ Top. The Texas trucker rock combo were the obvious choice to entertain the crowd at Bush's inaugural celebration dubbed "The Best Little Ball In D.C." In 1997 then-governor Bush also declared May 15 'ZZ Top' day. For more beards-on-Bush action, and to find a good reason to despise ZZ Top, visit their Web site. (Link to this)

One man's cult is another man's revenue stream
March 23, 2004: Washington Times owner Sun Myung Moon and his his wife Hak Ja Han, are crowned the "King and Queen of Peace" in a bizarre ceremony inside the Dirksen Senate Office Building on Capitol Hill. There were 81 members of Congress present to hear Bush family pal Moon, decked-out in a floor-length cape and introduced by a shofar-blowing rabbi, announce that a 'new era' had come: "Open your hearts and receive the secrets that heaven is disclosing in this age through me." Said the former jailbird Moony founder. "In the context of heaven's providence, I am God's ambassador, sent to earth with His full authority. I am sent to accomplish His command to save the world's 6 billion people, restoring them to heaven with the original goodness in which they were created."

1997: Two years after leaving the White House, Pa Bush made at least nine paid appearances on behalf of Moon. The Korean businessman and evangelist, who dismissed Jesus as a failure and styled himself “"Lord of the Second Advent," was said to be paying the former president $100,000 per speech. You couldn't make this stuff up. But I wish I had. (More)

Crazies for Christ
1975: Spire Christian comics are best known for bringing Archie and Jughead to our supermarket checkouts. But they also produced "Hansi - The Girl Who Loved The Swastika" — an uplifting moral tale of a young Nazi fox who comes to America, finds Jesus and puts the hippies straight. Wouldn't it be great if books and comics for children were still written by major-league drug fiends and maniacs? Such innocent times.

Download "Hansi - The Girl Who Loved The Swastika" (4Mb PDF) and/or a host of dubious retro comics at Carpsplace.com. (Or click here.)

USA v. Japan retard showdown
2005: At Tokyo's Hankyu hotel, couples can opt to spurn their real friends and relatives in favor of having Hello Kitty as their maid of honor. Her boyf Daniel also attends as best man - which must make for a weird Bachelor night. Does he tip the strippers? Does he pass out at 4am with his giant plastic head stuck in the toilet bowl..?

Come on America, we can't just sit back and let Japan become the dumbest country in the world. What next? The world's fattest guy being French..? Jeez!

2005: With a death count that may well run to the thousands and the biggest humanitarian crisis in American history unfolding in New Orleans, what better time for a "President being a dick" photo op? Bush plays a guitar presented to him by Country singer Mark Wills, backstage following his visit to a Naval Base in Coronado, California.

1992: Persuasive evidence that guitar-based spasticity may be genetic? Pa Bush rocks out at the Olympic Flag Jam in Atlanta shortly before getting his pink slip courtesy of Clinton I. Dee-dee-dee (as Carlos Mencia would say).

Does Karl Rove age in dog years?
1962: At age 12 Geeky Karl says "screw the Beatles, I'm a Goldwater groupy." Just a few years before, he'd got his ass canned by a nine year old girl who digged Kennedy. Sweet.

1971: Ray Manzarek or John Denver? As an older Republican geek at university in his native Salt Lake (what is it about that town?) he cuts his teeth as a tireless campaigner for Nixon.

2001: Jesus, it might be thirty years, but why does he look like he's freakin' seventy-five? Maybe a life of graft, bad karma and gorging on the fat of the land ain't all it's cracked up to be. Just ask Cheney who is currently 64 going on mid-100s.

Hypocrisy and muppets: the credibility double-header
2004: Bill Frist joins the Sesame Street muppets to announce the "Healthy Habits for Life" campaign, a nationwide initiative to encourage healthy habits in preschool-age children. Currently, Frist is busy trying to suppress debate about Thimerosal, the mercury-based vaccine preservative that's left more than half a million American kids autistic. Thimerosal was only phased out in 2002 after Frist's Pharm Mafia financiers began to sense multi-billion dollar lawsuits on the horizon. Wouldn't it be nice to see him address that public health threat?

2002: First Lady Laura Bush (no stranger to muppets) guests on Sesame Street and carouses with Elmo the GOP whore. Meanwhile GW plans to cut federal funding and starve public broadcasting off the air because of its 'liberal bias.' According to the Washington Post: "PBS, in particular, drew harsh criticism from the Bush administration for a "Postcards From Buster" episode in which Buster, an animated rabbit, visited two families in Vermont headed by lesbians. (George, if you're at home watching "Postcards From Buster" it might be time to start thinking about getting a proper job. That's all I'm saying...)

Unavoidable opportunity to use obvious "they don't call him Dick for nothing" joke
2004: The picture on the left shows Cheney looking like a giant tool as he smolders weirdly for the camera (caught en route to the White House can to read a top secret briefing?). the picture on the right (from The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, September 11, 2004) shows Cheney looking like he has a giant tool. Of course, it would be cruel to mock a geezer because he has to wear some kind of incontinence contraption but, hey, it's Cheney so all bets are off.

A meeting of the minds
2004: Moron A meets moron B. Ass-frenching commences. It was probably like a MENSA seminar (except in reverse) when consummate prick Brian 'The Brain' Kilmeade met POTUS for a sport-oriented chatdown. This 'errm..' fest was destined for Kilmeade's shitty book entitled 'The games do count' in which Bush and other dorks shared sporting reminiscences with Brian.

Bush described himself as a "pretty decent relief pitcher with a pretty good curve ball" whose enthusiasm for the game outmatched his talent. "I was a catcher and a pretty good hitter," said Bush. I guess that sounds better than "I was a pansy-ass cheerleader." I refuse to believe that either of the two guys in this photo would have made good catchers. Except, perhaps, in the Castro District sense of the word.

Aging war criminal visits Disneyland
1975: Emperor Hirohito's resume highlights included genocidal invasions of China (1931) and Manchuria (1937) and sundry massacres of various non-Japanese neighbors at random intervals throughout his reign. He went on to overplay his hand with Pearl Harbor and it all ended badly for the Son of the Sun Goddess.

But all is forgiven 30 years later as the aging emperor strolls through Disneyland in Anaheim, California. Cheryl Clark Sanders, the Mickey Mouse who greeted Hirohito, attended an FBI briefing before his arrival. She was told not to make any fast motions and, if she heard anything funny, to hit the deck. "There were SWAT guys every 20 feet" on rooftops, guns drawn, she remembers.

1945: Hirohito was forced to publicly renounce his divine status after surrendering and made to pose with General MacArthur in an embarrassing photo calculated to make him look like a midget. Then, as now, we really knew how to punish a war criminal.

Welcome to Crazy Street, Freak Town, County of Dumb
1997: L.A. did itself no favors in dispelling its 'City of Idiots' image when the city council voted to rename a 400 yard stretch of midtown after L Ron Hubbard, the deceased founder of Scientology. Strangely enough, the practice of naming streets after amateur abortionist, tax-evading cult leaders is not widespread in other cities.

The dedication ceremony was attended by Scientology supremo David Miscavige, sporting the nautical garb of the Scientology sea-borne division, John Travolta (who really should know better), and many other high-profile loons. Chelsea Cochrane, the Mayor's representative for Hollywood, conveyed Mayor Richard Riordan's congratulations in one of the most bizarre examples of Mayoral craziness ever documented.

Why the world thinks of America as the spiritual home of the dumbass
2005: Dick Cheney attends a holocaust memorial service in Oswiecim, Poland looking like a retard searching for his sled. I'm sure the assembled dignitaries and death camp survivors were honored that Vice President Eric Cartman chose to grace this solemn event with his presence.

Putting the goober back in gubernatorial
2003: At a momentum building event in Sacramento, the would-be governor enlists the assistance of Dee Sneider (1985's Kid Rock) to perform the Schwarzenegger campaign anthem 'We're Not Gonna take It Any More.' Arnold's outreach to the mullet-sporting El Camino-driving constituency yielded what could be the tackiest campaign photo op ever.

The rise and fall of Jeffrey Jones
1986: In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Jeffrey Jones played Principle Rooney, relentless pursuer of the young Matthew Broderick. Now that Jones is living as a registered sex offender after being charged with hiring a 14-year-old boy to pose for sexually explicit photos, it was probably good for Ferris that he never caught him. Jones is the one-time kiddy-cruising buddy of Paul 'Pee Wee Herman' Ruebens. Apparently, starring in a movie with Sinbad (Houseguest, 1995) was not the most ill-advised move he was ever destined to make.

Incongruous meetings captured on blurred video
2005: Bobby Brown meets the Dalai Lama after attracting his attention with yells of "Mr. Lama, Mr. Lama, over here..." (video at iFilm.com)
1983: A young, debonair Rumsfeld meets Saddam while on a taxpayer-funded jaunt to Iraq to sell him Weapons of 'Merican Destruction. Saddam, presumably, attracted his attention with yells of "Mr. Bastard, Mr. Bastard, over here..."

One definition of an ill-advised photo opportunity
1985: A young Bill Gates poses gaily for an article announcing the release of Windows 1.0 - the homosexual operating system. You can almost hear the rustle of those polyester slacks.

Collectibles for the damned
The George Bush Naval Aviator doll, sorry, action figure ($39.99 at www.wartoyz.com) irresistibly reminds me of the old joke about buying the GI Joe deserter doll which turns out to be an empty box. The Ann Coulter doll ($25.95 from www.dutchguard.com) has twelve phrases, all of them obnoxious. But at least it allows me to harmlessly act out one of my favorite fantasies — stamping repeatedly on her head til those psychotic eyeballs pop right out of their sockets.

Jesus is my coach
You can buy figurines of Christ in a variety of sporting scenarios at Tally's, your one stop shop for all kinds of Catholic hocus pocus. You can't fail to be impressed by the Savior's nifty right foot, but the gymnastics tableau looks a little suspect.

"I didn't leave bodybuilding until I felt that I had gone as far as I could go."
— Arnold Schwarzenegger, aging Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferer.

It's Hell's own Mister Rogers.
2004: A normally dour Paul Wolfowitz cracks a smile for the camera holding a copy of the 9-11 Commission Report. Maybe he's just so drunk on his own evil he doesn't see the irony: Man who's right up there with Osama in terms of blame for the whole cynically manipulated disaster appears to think it's a laugh.

And here's a classic Wolfo-witicism as he explains why Iraq got shit-canned ahead of North Korea: "The most important difference between North Korea and Iraq is that economically we just had no choice in Iraq. The country swims on a sea of oil." (The Guardian, 5-6-03) Hysterical!

Maybe he's the worst President of any country anywhere ever...
But you can't deny that he's the funniest. Why does he require the services of a fluffer? And has anyone ever seen a President look so gratuitously fruity on TV before?

An artifact from more innocent times...
1962: Dell Comics had the print franchise for the ABC-TV TV western "The Rifleman" starring Chuck Connors. I have no idea why this picture is funny. Probably best not to overthink it...

(Chuck Connors is dead, but Johnny Crawford is just older: http://www.celebhost.net/johnnycrawford/)

Thank God for TV...
1932: One of the subtlest of the old school freak show draws was "Ossified Roy" Bard, a Ripley's Odditorium attraction from the 1930s. Born regularly flexible, he was afflicted with rigid paralysis after his bicycle collided with a car. Roy signed autographs with a pen he held in his mouth. Yes, people without TVs would actually pay good money to watch a paralyzed guy.

(See http://phreeque.tripod.com/ for everything you could possibly want to know about Freak shows.)

Wedding day on The Island of Doctor Moreau...
March 16, 2002: David Gest sky-rocketed into the freak elite when he wed Liza Minelli and posed for what is surely the most disturbing wedding picture ever. But there was a happy ending: 16 months later, he was suing Liza Minelli for "repeatedly beating him during alcohol fueled rages."

Who said he did all his best stuff earlier in his career?
December 21, 1970: Elvis is tanked up on uppers and wearing a crushed velvet purple cape ensemble. He somehow talks his way into the Oval Office to meet with a clearly freaked out Richard Nixon. Elvis' mission was to give the President a specially engraved Colt 45 and to persuade him to enlist The King as an agent in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. If only for this reason, we should always refer to Elvis as 'The King'.

Other great meetings at the White House...
12 December, 1983: Nancy Reagan sits on Mr. T 's lap (who seems to be wearing roller skates). I got nothing...

A young Dubya discovering his fondness for loud and obnoxious rhetoric...
Cheerleading for the football team at Phillips Academy in Andover, Massachusetts. The big pouffe.

Blurring the distinction between Geek and Gimp.
Microsoft's 1978 in-house production of 'Freaks' (Bill Gates, bottom left, as the Human Caterpillar).

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