LEAVING A BITTER AFTERTASTE IN THE MIND SINCE 2004

LATEST WIRES: OFFICIAL: BUSH GOOD FOR BUSINESS | RANDOM, CAFFEINATED BLATHERING | THE WEEK IN VIOLENCE | BARNEY V. THE INQUISITION | CAR TROUBLE: THE ENEMY WITHIN | CORPORATE WELFARE AND TAXPAYER RAPE | OBAMA: IS HE HITLER OR JUST THE DEVIL? | SOWING THE SEEDS OF IDIOCRACY? YOU BETCHA! | RUSTLING FROM THE POST-NEOCON TRASH BAG OF HISTORY | REALITY'S A BITCH: SEERS WE NO LONGER NEED TO HEED | THE GOLDEN TURD AWARD | HA!

About Fried Wire

Weird search terms that brought new visitors to Fried Wire this week were:
Girl on girl (16)
Tourettes weatherman (7)

Today's front page:
Presidents of Genius #1:
James Garfield and George W. Bush
McCain In The Membrane:
The next president of The United States?
Why John McCain Should Never Be President
Presidents of Genius #2:
Thomas Jefferson and George W. Bush
Media Pinheads of the Week:
Still Katharine Debrecht...

 

PRESIDENTS OF GENIUS
a cut-out-and-keep inspirational series for the kids
#1: JAMES GARFIELD AND GEORGE W. BUSH
 

 

James Garfield, 20th president of the United States, was able to write Latin with one hand while writing Greek with the other. George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, is the only person ever known to have fallen off a Segway scooter. (Top)

[Please note: the following rant was coined in April, 2006. Did Keith Olbermann steal my weak pun? Or does Keith like Cypress Hill and hate John McCain too?]

McCAIN IN THE MEMBRANE

"Those of us who know McCain or have dealt with him know him to be the single worst human being any of us have ever met in the political world – period! He is nasty. He is rude. He is condescending. He is cruelly sarcastic. He treats people like dirt."
NewsMax.com

"Hey look everybody... it's the next president of The United States!"

Was there ever a time in American political history when an opposition party was blessed with such a government of disaster-prone stumblefucks to fight against? I'm guessing not. Bush is on the ropes at last and the neocon rats are jumping ship. Even the mass-media propaganda machine seems overloaded by the volume and breadth of Bushco's failures - so much so that it's no longer able to spin anywhere near fast enough to make Durr Fuehrer look good any more.

It should be easy work for any half-competent (or even half-conscious) opposition to finish off the 'conservative revolution' once and for all and regain control of congress and the White House in 2008. All we need now is a half-competent opposition.

While the Democrats stay on snooze - no visible leadership, no visible opposition, no visible pulse - the GOP geniuses have smartly outmaneuvered them again. Recognizing that their former Messiah has morphed rapidly into an embarrassing liability, the hunt is on for a new conservative hero. Of course, finding a candidate who would not be a massive turn off to moderate/sane voters was no easy job. But while the DNC can't even find a leader to please Democratic voters, the Reps are way ahead of them: John McCain will get the cuntservative vote by default and, more importantly, he's poised to gain many of the votes the Democratic party is relying on. According to a depressing Diageo/Hotline poll from November last year, a full 31% of Democrats said they'd be 'somewhat likely' to vote for McCain if he was running for president. In short, the floating liberals have been fooled.
(Top)

 

  McCain v. Moore

Michael Moore flashes McCain the loser sign after he referred to
him as a "disingenuous filmmaker" during his speech at the 2004 Republican
National Convention.
(story)


WHY JOHN McCAIN SHOULD NEVER BE PRESIDENT:

  • McCain, like Bush, sucks up to the Christian yahoos by voicing support for teaching intelligent design in schools. He has said that kids should be exposed to this half-assed non-science because "all points of view" should be available to students. Down factor: America needs more science taught in schools and fewer spurious 'points of view.'

  • McCain was a recipient of campaign contributions/bribes from Charles H. Keating Jr's Lincoln Savings and Loan Association. He was amongst those censured for "questionable conduct" by the Department of Justice and the House Ethics Committee for obstructing investigations into its $3.4 billion collapse in 1989. Down factor: Please... we've had enough Republican crooks already.

  • McCain admitted to offering "military information" in exchange for special medical treatment while in captivity also does not endear him to some ex-POWs. Down factor: He served his country and had a rough time as a prisoner of war. But what the hell bearing would this have on his ability to be president?

  • McCain's five year stay in the Hanoi Hilton did not predispose him fondly to the Vietnamese people. He once said "I hate the gooks... I will hate them as long as I live." Down factor: Would the 13.5 million Americans of Asian descent be entirely confident in a 'gook-hating' president's ability to represent them?

  • McCain will be 73 years old in 2008. The Gipper is often cited as the apogee of presidential senility - and he was only 69 when he got elected. This is America - not the Soviet Union. Are we angling for a gerontocracy? Down factor: Old as dirt.

  • McCain once sent birthday greetings and regrets for not attending the party of Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonano, the head of the New York Bonano crime family, after he retired to Arizona. Down factor: We don't want a president who sucks up to the Mafia. These days, the President is the Mafia, dumbass.

  • McCain tactfully divorced his wife Carol after she was crippled in a car wreck to hook up with the attractive and wealthy Cindy Hensley. In addition to being able-bodied, the fact that she was the daughter of millionaire Arizona beer baron Jim Hensley didn't hurt either. Down factor: Tacky machinations and terminal inability to keep dick in pants.

  • McCain graduated from the United States Naval Academy 894th out of a class of 899. Haven't we had enough special ed presidents already? Down factor: May be dumb as rock. (Top)

PRESIDENTS OF GENIUS
a cut-out-and-keep inspirational series for the kids
#2: THOMAS JEFFERSON AND GEORGE W. BUSH
 

 

Thomas Jefferson, third president of The United States, was also an agriculturalist, horticulturist, architect, etymologist, archaeologist, mathematician, cryptographer, surveyor, paleontologist, author, lawyer, inventor, violinist, and the founder of the University of Virginia. George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, has a daddy. (Top)

GREAT PIONEERS OF NEOCON THOUGHT #28

"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

John McCain

Back Pages

Fried Wire Policy and Disclaimer | Hatemail | Hmm... | Fanmail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


FRIED WIRE
STORE
STILL OPEN

(Buy something
dammit)


T-shirts, bumper
stickers and
other stuff

 






Please visit my
linking partner
(not in a gay way)
so they'll keep
me listed:




"The Web's Best
Morons Under
One Roof"
so have at it







 

All non-stolen content
and bad HTML :
© 2004 - 2006 Byte Me