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LATEST
WIRES: OFFICIAL: BUSH GOOD FOR
BUSINESS | RANDOM,
CAFFEINATED BLATHERING | THE
WEEK IN VIOLENCE | BARNEY
V. THE INQUISITION | CAR
TROUBLE: THE ENEMY WITHIN | CORPORATE
WELFARE AND TAXPAYER RAPE | OBAMA:
IS HE HITLER OR JUST THE DEVIL? | SOWING
THE SEEDS OF IDIOCRACY? YOU BETCHA! | RUSTLING
FROM THE POST-NEOCON TRASH BAG OF HISTORY | REALITY'S
A BITCH: SEERS WE NO LONGER NEED TO HEED | THE
GOLDEN TURD AWARD | HA!
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PRESIDENTS
OF GENIUS
a cut-out-and-keep
inspirational series for the kids
#1: JAMES GARFIELD
AND GEORGE W. BUSH
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James
Garfield, 20th president of the United States,
was able to write Latin with one hand while writing
Greek with the other. George W. Bush,
43rd president of the United States, is the only
person ever known to have fallen off a Segway scooter.
(Top)
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[Please
note: the following rant was coined in April, 2006. Did
Keith Olbermann steal my weak pun? Or does Keith like Cypress
Hill and hate John McCain too?]
McCAIN
IN THE MEMBRANE
"Those
of us who know McCain or have dealt with him know him to
be the single worst human being any of us have ever met
in the political world – period! He is nasty. He
is rude. He is condescending. He is cruelly sarcastic.
He treats people like dirt."
NewsMax.com
"Hey
look everybody... it's the next president of The United
States!"
Was
there ever a time in American political history when an
opposition party was blessed with such a government of
disaster-prone stumblefucks to fight against? I'm guessing
not. Bush is on the ropes at last and the neocon rats are
jumping ship. Even the mass-media propaganda machine seems
overloaded by the volume and breadth of Bushco's failures
- so much so that it's no longer able to spin anywhere
near fast enough to make Durr Fuehrer look good any more.
It should be easy work for any half-competent (or
even half-conscious) opposition to finish off the 'conservative
revolution' once and for all and regain control of congress
and the White House in 2008. All we need now is a half-competent
opposition.
While the Democrats stay on snooze - no visible leadership, no visible opposition,
no visible pulse - the GOP geniuses have smartly outmaneuvered them again.
Recognizing that their former Messiah has morphed rapidly into an embarrassing
liability, the hunt is on for a new conservative hero. Of course, finding a
candidate who would not be a massive turn off to moderate/sane voters was no
easy job. But while the DNC can't even find a leader to please Democratic voters,
the Reps are way ahead of them: John McCain will get the cuntservative vote
by default and, more importantly, he's poised to gain many of the votes the
Democratic party is relying on. According to a depressing Diageo/Hotline
poll from November last year, a full 31% of Democrats said they'd be 'somewhat
likely' to vote for McCain if he was running for president. In short, the floating
liberals have been fooled. (Top)
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McCain
v. Moore
Michael Moore flashes McCain the loser sign after he referred to
him as a "disingenuous filmmaker" during his speech at the 2004
Republican
National Convention.
(story) |
WHY JOHN McCAIN SHOULD NEVER BE PRESIDENT:
- McCain,
like Bush, sucks up to the Christian yahoos by voicing
support for teaching intelligent design in schools.
He has said that kids should be exposed to this half-assed
non-science because "all points of view" should
be available to students. Down factor: America
needs more science taught in schools and fewer spurious
'points of view.'
- McCain
was a recipient
of campaign contributions/bribes from Charles H. Keating
Jr's Lincoln Savings and Loan Association. He was amongst
those censured for "questionable conduct" by
the Department of Justice and the House Ethics Committee
for obstructing investigations into its $3.4 billion collapse
in 1989. Down factor: Please... we've
had enough Republican crooks already.
- McCain
admitted to offering "military information" in
exchange for special medical treatment while in captivity
also does not endear him to some
ex-POWs. Down factor: He served his
country and had a rough time as a prisoner of war. But
what the hell bearing would this have on his ability to
be president?
- McCain's
five year stay in the Hanoi Hilton did not predispose him
fondly to the Vietnamese people. He once said "I
hate the gooks... I will hate them as long as I live." Down
factor: Would the 13.5 million Americans of Asian
descent be entirely confident in a 'gook-hating' president's
ability to represent them?
- McCain
will be 73 years old in 2008. The Gipper is often cited
as the apogee of presidential senility - and he was only
69 when he got elected. This is America - not the Soviet
Union. Are we angling for a gerontocracy? Down
factor: Old as dirt.
- McCain
once sent birthday
greetings and regrets for not attending the party of
Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonano, the head of the
New York Bonano crime family, after he retired to Arizona. Down
factor: We don't want a president who sucks up
to the Mafia. These days, the President is the
Mafia, dumbass.
- McCain
tactfully divorced
his wife Carol after she was crippled in a car wreck
to hook up with the attractive and wealthy Cindy Hensley.
In addition to being able-bodied, the fact that she was
the daughter of millionaire Arizona beer baron Jim Hensley
didn't hurt either. Down factor: Tacky
machinations and terminal inability to keep dick in pants.
- McCain
graduated from the United States Naval Academy 894th out
of a class of 899. Haven't we had enough special ed presidents
already? Down factor: May be dumb as rock. (Top)
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PRESIDENTS
OF GENIUS
a cut-out-and-keep
inspirational series for the kids
#2: THOMAS JEFFERSON
AND GEORGE W. BUSH
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Thomas
Jefferson, third president of The United
States, was also an agriculturalist, horticulturist,
architect, etymologist, archaeologist, mathematician,
cryptographer, surveyor, paleontologist, author,
lawyer, inventor, violinist, and the founder of the
University of Virginia. George W. Bush,
43rd president of the United States, has a daddy.
(Top)
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GREAT
PIONEERS OF NEOCON THOUGHT #28
"Why
is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet
Reno."
John
McCain
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