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President
George W. Bush (L) and Office of Management and
Budget Director Joshua Bolton (C) talk to conferees,
above a misspelled sign, at the White House Conference
on the Economy in Washington. The White House
went all out to showcase the advantages of U.S.
President George W. Bush's ambitious financial
agenda this week, but in the end the 'challenges'
proved too much. The word 'challenges' -- a main
theme of a two-day White House economic conference
that ended on Thursday -- was misspelled on a
large television monitor that stood in front
of Bush during the discussion." (Reuters)
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BUSH
NOMINEE RESIGNS BEFORE HE JOINS
December
12, 2004 (WASHINGTON, DC)
He
had a great rags-to-riches story: Son of a prostitute.
High-school dropout. Ambitious law-enforcement boss.
Rake-it-in businessman. But a tangled personal life
and all the questions about his career are what really
did Kerik in. Everywhere you looked around him was
a new pile of stink...a daughter he'd abandoned in
Korea. A lawsuit over a subordinate he'd allegedly
taken a shine to at the Correction Department. A swirl
of ugly stories about his dating life. There was that
$6-million stock bonanza from a stun-gun company he
got without investing a cent. There was nearly $1 million
in public tobacco rebates funneled into a foundation
he ran. There were city ethics penalties for assigning
on-duty police detectives to research his autobiography.
There were homicide detectives turned into a personal
lost-and-found squad the night his publisher's cell
phone disappeared...The personal bankruptcy. The unexplained
withdrawal from Iraq.
Kerik put it blandly in the letter he sent to President Bush: "I
am convinced that, for personal reasons, moving forward would not be
in the best interests of your administration, the Department of Homeland
Security or the American people." (Ellis Henican, Newsday.com)
(But isn't
being too crooked to join Bush's cabinet a little like being too gay
to be in the Ice Capades?)
VIRGIN
MARY REVEALED THROUGH TOAST
November
22, 2004 (MIAMI, Florida)
SEX
CRAZED CARTOON EURO FRUITS (NOT THE FRENCH)
November
19, 2004 (BONN, Germany)
A
Catholic college complained about Haribo's
new Maoam packaging because, apparently,
the fruits are shown in offending sexual
positions.
Graduates
from St Blasien Jesuit College wrote to Haribo
complaining: "We are shocked at the shameless
presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping,
which includes not only sexual intercourse but
also fellatio and cunnilingus...It's irresponsible
to expose children to such pornographic representations."
Sadly, this story turned out to be a hoax. The students wrote
the letter as a joke and posted it on the Web. But the packaging,
which is real, is still pretty steamy. Especially as it seems
to be the same fruity man-whore getting a threeway and slipping
a length to the lemon slut. Haribo Spokesman Marco Alfter was
quoted as saying: "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier
than the old. But we have not had any complaints. In fact, until
now, the feedback has all been positive."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1086492.html
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/haribo/
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CASTRO
RAISES DOUBTS ABOUT BIN LADEN TAPE
November
18, 2004 (HAVANA, Cuba)
Fidel
Castro says the emergence of an Osama bin Laden videotape
just ahead of the U.S. presidential election seemed
to have been "arranged'' to help President Bush.
In his first public comments about Bush's re-election,
the Cuban leader said, "We have seen too much
trickery and shamelessness to sustain the belief that
this wasn't something arranged.'' Speaking Tuesday
on the communist-run island's nightly televised "Mesa
Redonda'' discussion program, Castro added, "Bin
Laden makes the documentaries that decide elections.''
(That's what you call outsourcing) (The Associated
Press)
WHITE
HOUSE TURKEY REPRIEVED
November
17, 2004 (WASHINGTON, DC)
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"President
George W. Bush participated in the annual pardoning
of the National Turkey in the Rose Garden. Presidents
traditionally have granted the National Thanksgiving
Turkey a "pardon". The National Thanksgiving
Turkey and its alternate will spend the remainder
of their natural lives at the Frying Pan Park
in Fairfax County, Virginia. This is the same
place to which the Thanksgiving Day Turkeys and
their alternates (alternates?) have been retired
for the past 15 years."
(Pictured left: Last year's reprieved turkey expresses its gratitude
to President Bush) (whitehouse.gov) |
JIVE
TURKEY REPRIEVED
November
17, 2004 (WASHINGTON, DC)
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House
Republicans approved a party rules change Wednesday
that would allow Majority leader Tom DeLay
to retain his leadership post even if he is
indicted by a Texas grand jury on state political
corruption charges. The current party rule
requires House Republican leaders and the heads
of the various committees to relinquish their
positions if indicted for a crime that could
bring a prison term of at least two years.
Three of DeLay's political associates have
already been indicted. (The Associated Press)
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BURT
REYNOLDS BECOMES ELDERLY ASIAN MAN
November
11, 2004 (HOLLYWOOD, California)
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Burt
Reynolds gets world's crappest plastic surgery...
Burt is now 68. This is as depressing a thought for any fan of
Cannonball Run as it must be for J.J. Mclure himself. But he definitely
isn't one for growing old gracefully. Dude, why the hell do you
want to look like that? Weren't the rugs were funny enough..?
(www.awfulplasticsurgery.com) |
WILL
THE LAST ONE OUT TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?
November
11, 2004 (OTTAWA, Canada)
Americans Flock to Canada's Immigration
Web Site
The
number of U.S. citizens visiting Canada's main immigration
Web site has shot up six-fold as Americans flirt with
the idea of abandoning their homeland after President
Bush's election win this week. "When we looked
at the first day after the election, Nov. 3, our Web
site hit a new high, almost double the previous record
high," immigration ministry spokeswoman Maria
Iadinardi said on Friday. (Reuters)
DOING
FUCKED UP SHIT WHEN YOU'RE HIGH
November
10, 2004 (SACRAMENTO, California)
A
man who unsuccessfully tried to barter with marijuana
was arrested for stealing two auto tires after the
deal was rejected, Roseville police said. Joshua Dean
Williams, 20, and another man allegedly tried the pot-for-tires
swap at a Sears Auto Center, said police spokeswoman
Dee Dee Gunther. (Associated Press)
SPOT
THE BUSH-CHENEY BUMPER STICKER
December,
2000 (WALDORF, Maryland)
The
total weight was estimated to be 3000 lbs. The car is
a VW Jetta and the materials were loaded at Home Depot
where the store manager (unsurprisingly) had the driver
sign a waiver. Both back tires were trashed and the back
shocks were driven up through the floorboard...
You,
Sir, will forever be enshrined in my personal Valhalla
of the idiots. (If you doubt that this could be true,
check the full story at http://www.snopes.com/photos/lumber.asp)
I
AM CER-RUSHING YOUR HEAD...
October
20, 2004 (ALEXANDRIA, Virginia)
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CBS
Says Cheney Scares Voters
CBS's Anthony Mason stressed how "Cheney had an image problem
to overcome" since "nearly 60 percent of the uncommitted
voters we surveyed said they did not personally like him." When
asked how they'd feel if Cheney became President, 24 percent
said 'scared.' Only two percent said 'excited.'"
This was gleaned (copied and pasted) from MediaResearch.org.
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BLUE
STATES SMART — RED STATES DUMB: IT'S OFFICIAL
October
20, 2004 (State: The Obvious)
"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives."
John Stuart Mill - 1865
Even Karl
'Piggy' Rove says it too:
"As people do better, they start voting like Republicans...unless
they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there
can be too much of a good thing."
According
to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, the 2002 American
Community Survey and the current electoral vote count
(based on recent polls) there is a clear correlation
between political affiliation and education. The dumber
a state, the higher it's percentage of Republican voters
while the more academically inclined states have correspondingly
higher numbers of Democrat voters...
Original
Link: http://www.independent-media.tv/
SUPPORT
OUR TROOPS?
October
20, 2004 (PALM BEACH, Florida)
"If
you're a non-citizen who has joined the Army or Marines,
the citizenship process has become easier. There are
about 37,000 non-citizens in the military, with more
than 3,000 'green-card soldiers' having served already
in Iraq. President Bush has streamlined the system
to make them full-fledged Americans -- though many
still find their applications delayed because of their
inability to meet appointment schedules.'' (Original
article: Green Card Soldiers: War for What? - New Times
of Broward - Palm Beach - Article - 2004-09-30)
October
19, 2004 (Washington, DC)
'Nearly
1.7 million U.S. veterans had no health care coverage
in 2003 -- no access to private insurance, to Medicare
or Medicaid or to the Veterans Affairs health program,
health care advocates said on Tuesday. Many had seen
combat in Vietnam or the Gulf Wars and most were employed,
the Physicians for a National Health Program and Public
Citizen said in a joint report. (Original article:
Nearly 1.7 Million U.S. Vets Lack Health Care - Reuters
- Article - 2004-10-19)
EVANGELICAL
NAZI PUNKS FUCK OFF
October
19, 2004 (SOMEWHERE INSANE, DISINGENUOUS AND MORALLY
RETARDED)
Today
I got mail from FaithofGeorgeWBush.com. After visitng
my Web site (yes, this one), a weirdly optimistic dude
called Raymond thought I may be interested in purchasing
their cretinous, straight-to-landfill video entitled
'George W. Bush, Faith in the White House' for just
$12.95... (No, Ray, but you can shove it up your ass
free of charge). I copied and pasted the following
chronically un-ironic write-up from the Christian Booksellers
Association Web site:
"Nine Christian TV networks—which include seven domestic/international
satellites, 62 broadcast stations, 510 broadcast affiliates, and over 3,000 cable
outlets—plan multiple showings of Grizzly Adams Productions' 52-minute
news documentary, Faith in the White House. More than half the broadcasts
are scheduled for prime time during September and October. The combined
broadcast schedule will reach an estimated 60 million households.
Washington D.C.-based national talk broadcaster and family faith issues
author, Janet Parshall, hosts the non-partisan, independently produced
news documentary that examines President George W. Bush's faith and prayer
life.
“Christians want to know where President Bush stands on significant moral,
family, and faith issues,” says executive producer Ted Beckett. “Our
Bush Faith TV special reveals that George W. Bush consistently ‘walks the
talk’ of his faith with family and associates, and in his public role as
the leader of the free world.”
Parshall confirms BBC correspondent Justin Webb’s observation that, “nobody
spends more time on his knees than George W. Bush. The Bush administration
hums to the sound of prayer. Prayer meetings take place day and
night. It’s not uncommon to see White House functionaries
hurrying down corridors carrying Bibles.” (Source: Christian Booksellers
Association, cbaonline.org)
WASSUP
CALIFORNIA? WE'RE ONLY EIGHTH
DUMBEST STATE
October
19, 2004 (LAWRENCE, Kansas)
States
Ranked: Smartest to Dumbest. The smartest state in
the union for the second consecutive year is Massachusetts — The
dumbest, for the third year in a row, is New Mexico.
These are the findings of the Education State Rankings,
a survey by Morgan Quitno Press of hundreds of public
school systems in all 50 states.
Find
out how dumb your state is at: http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/news/package.jsp?name=fte/smartstates/smartstates
A whole
bunch of other stuff about state rankings at: http://www.morganquitno.com/
THIS
YOUR BOAT, SIR..?
October
15, 2004 (SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico)
A
secluded honeymoon cruise in the Caribbean for newlyweds
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren got unexpectedly crowded
when armed officers of the Coast Guard boarded the
couple's new yacht, 'Privacy'. Coast Guard officials
say the yacht ran afoul of a law intended to ensure
U.S. homeland security. {Cops, either on land or sea,
cannot resist the lure of a brother in an expensive
ride it seems...} CNN.com
AT
LEAST HE HAS POLICIES
October 8, 2004 (THOUSAND OAKS, California)
City
Council candidate, Daniel Avila was busted at a Thousand
Oaks candidates’ forum for shouting obscenities
over a bullhorn. Council candidate Jacqueline Irwin
says Avila was cursing and yelling that he had the
right to say anything he wanted.
It's not the first time Avila has created a storm of controversy. He's
publicly called for President Bush's assassination and handed out leaflets
advocating a sexual attack on Bush's twin daughters. (2004, The Associated
Press)
EVEN
A BUSH COULD 'HACK IT'
September 23, 2004 (ANNAPOLIS, Maryland)
Critics
of the Diebold touch-screen voting machines turned
their attention Wednesday from the machines themselves
to the computers that will tally the final vote, saying
the outcome is so easy to manipulate that even a monkey
could do it.
And they showed video of a monkey hacking the system to prove it.
In the minute-long video produced by Black Box Voting, Baxter the chimp
is shown deleting the audit log that is supposed to keep track of changes
in the Diebold central tabulator, the computer and program that keeps
track of county vote totals. Black Box Voting founder Bev Harris said
the demonstration shows that the system — which will
be used in more than 30 states — is dangerously inadequate
when it comes to stopping election fraud. {Errr... d'ya think?} FoxNews.com
DUMB
BASTARD
September 6, 2004 (POPLAR BLUFF, Missouri)
"Too
many good docs are getting out of the business.
Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their
love with women all across this country."
President
Forest W. Gump impressing the faithful at a campaign
trail stop
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BUSH
MAY BE A LIAR AND A WARMONGER,
BUT YOU'RE FAT. NYERR.
September
02, 2004 (NEW YORK, New York)
Moore,
who attended this week's Republican National
Convention as a columnist for USA Today, was greeted
by delegates who derided him as a "fat pig."
Perhaps they read the book by David Hardy and Jason Clarke, "Michael
Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man." Or they came across the
suggested slogan for the Web site moorewatch.com — "Michael
Moore: Putting the vast in vast left-wing conspiracy."
Or Andrea Harris' screed in her "Too Much to Dream" blog,
describing Moore as "fattyfatfat, Fatty McFatperson Three-Big-Macs
Corpulent Sack of Fat." Or conservative columnist Ben Shapiro's
dismissal of the "fat, fraudulent filmmaker."
Now Moore is a large man. Even fellow leftist Ralph Nader has
said he should lose weight. "He's over 300 pounds. He's like a
giant beach ball," Nader said. Err... you guessed it: FoxNews.com
UBER-TARD
UNSURPRISINGLY FLEECED
February 28, 2003 (BETHLEHEM, Pennsylvania)
A
woman who says she bought magic wands from a self-described
psychic to erase negative thoughts says $5,400 of
her money was all that disappeared. Joann Zansky,
57, said she paid a woman who claims to be a psychic
$1,800 for each of three wands.
" She was a terrific actress," Zansky said. "I believed her." Zansky
said she contacted Bethlehem police after she became suspicious about the effectiveness
of the wands. (2004, The Associated Press)
STUPIDITY
SHOULD BE CURED, SAYS DNA DISCOVERER
February 26, 2003 (LONDON, England)
Fifty
years to the day from the discovery of the structure
of DNA, one of its co-discoverers has caused a storm
by suggesting that stupidity is a genetic disease
that should be cured.
On 28 February 1953 biologists James Watson and Francis Crick discovered
the structure of DNA - the chemical code for all life. The breakthrough
revealed how genetic information is passed from one generation to the
next and revolutionised biology and medicine.
But in a documentary series to be screened in the UK on Channel 4,
Watson says that low intelligence is an inherited disorder and that
molecular biologists have a duty to devise gene therapies or screening
tests to tackle stupidity.
"If you are really stupid, I would call that a disease," says Watson,
now president of the Cold Spring Harbour Laboratory, New York. "The lower
10 per cent who really have difficulty, even in elementary school, what's the
cause of it? A lot of people would like to say, 'Well, poverty, things like that.'
It probably isn't. So I'd like to get rid of that, to help the lower 10 per cent."
Watson, no stranger to controversy, also suggests that genes influencing
beauty could also be engineered. "People say it would be terrible
if we made all girls pretty. I think it would be great." NewScientist.com
AMERICANS
OVERWHELMINGLY BELIEVE IN ANGELS
December
20, 2001 (COLUMBUS, Ohio)
Americans
overwhelmingly believe in the angels that heralded
the birth of Jesus 2000 years ago and think they
still walk the Earth in these modern days.
One out of every five Americans believes he or she has seen an angel
or knows someone who has, according to survey of 1,127 adult residents
of the United States conducted by Scripps Howard News Service and Ohio
State University. Seventy-seven percent of adults in the poll answered "yes" to
the question: "Do you believe angels, that is, some kind of heavenly
beings who visit Earth, in fact exist?" Another 73 percent believe
angels still "come into the world even in these modern days."
Both religious believers and cynics agree that public interest in angels
has risen dramatically in recent years, partly buoyed by popular Hollywood
productions such as television's "Touched by an Angel" and "Highway
to Heaven" and John Travolta's film portrayal of "Michael." Scripps
Howard News Service
