SATAN'S OWN THREEWAY
July 23, 2006

Onside with Fred Phelps, Pat Buchanan and the ACLU

Bukkake Buchanan after a run-in with a ranch wielding protestor (left) Fred Phelps: denouncer of 300 foot French lesbians. (right).

Today Fried Wire finds itself in bed with Fred 'God Hates Fags' Phelps and the Hitler-admiring Pat Buchanan. Sure it's a grotesque and uncomfortable ménage à trois and I'm feeling cheap and dirty already, but what else can you do? I'm just a sucker for all that human rights and constitutional freedoms talk... gets me every time.

How can you argue, for example, with fag-hating Fred when he complains that his rights are being violated by the state of Missouri's ban on his nauseating funeral pickets? Even if he's crazier than a barrel of rabid raccoons, he's right on this one. And how can you disagree with sanity-challenged Pat when he denounces the Zionist/PNAC goon squad infesting his own party as a bunch of sick fucks? It's hard to admit, but with Democrats sitting dumbly by while US civil rights and Lebanese civilians are simultaneously pummeled, these obnoxious pricks represent the only voices of objection. And that makes me want to vomit.

I admit there's a possibility that the guy who called Adolf Hitler "an individual of great courage," may well have his own reasons for disagreeing with Israel(!), but he sure ain't wrong when he tells us "all this carnage and destruction has only piqued the blood lust" amongst the neocons. And as the civilian death toll in Lebanon passes the 300 mark, Buchanan's quote is a lot easier to stomach than the memory of Bill Clinton's Israel reach-around: "The Israelis know that if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan River, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die." Under these circumstances, I'm not exactly holding my breath waiting for a Democrat denouncement of Israel's atrocities, so Pat gets the reluctant high five for now. Now please wash your hands...

And as for the Reverend Phelps, he may be the living definition of the term 'psycho cunt', but even the ACLU are supporting him (imagine how cheap and dirty they must feel) on the principle that the courts are trying to "limit his group's free speech based on the content of its message." Anthony Rothert, the ACLU's legal director in St. Louis, says "It may be a group that I disagree with that the government is trying to silence today, but it could be a group that I agree with tomorrow." (story)

Personally, I'd love to see Fred Phelps and his inbred family of haters beaten to death like red-headed seal pups - Pat Buchanan too - but that would also be frustratingly unconstitutional. That's the great thing about democracy: even evil bastards are guaranteed the right to express their miserable opinions. And more power to them if they also happen to be the only ones speaking up against Bushco's creepily Orwellian fake America. (Link to this)

SHALOM MOTHERFUCKERS
July 22, 2006

American evangelicals love for fetuses, hate for almost everyone else

Evangelicals mourn a pickled fetus in the park while pledging continued support for bomb-your-kids week in Lebanon.

Kristians all over Jeezuzland have been busy today reminding the world about Christ's lesser known teachings: hypocrisy, intolerance and blood lust.

More than 3,400 evangelical headbangers made the journey to Washington in God's short bus as part of the first annual summit of Christians United for Israel. John Hagee, the event's organizer, said "For the first time in the history of Christianity in America, Christians will go to the Hill to support Israel as Christians." Attendees insisted that the US "not restrain Israel in any way" as the Zionist fucking over of Lebanon moves into the ground war phase.

Hagee is pastor of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas, and a big fan of Israel. He believes that God gave the land to the Jewish people and that Christians have a Biblical duty to support the state of Israel as Armageddon draws near and precipitates the second coming of Christ. (story) Scary enough that this prick is called a pastor and has enough clout amongst Kristians to influence US foreign policy, even scarier is the fact that more than 40 million of these OT OTT loons get to vote. (Don't tin-foil hatters ever even make it to the New Testament anyway?)

Also today, anti-abortion group Operation Save America held a memorial in Smith Park in Jackson, Mississippi for an aborted fetus preserved in formaldehyde. Why? Because Kristians just love kids so darned much. Unless, of course, they happen to be Iraqi, Afghan, Lebanese, Palestinian or living in any other area subject to the attentions of the US or Israeli military.

Operation Save America also held another rally in Jackson last week where they burned a copy of the Quran, a gay pride flag and copies of six U.S. Supreme Court rulings related to religion in public schools, sodomy and abortion. Makes a person wonder what America these fascist dumbasses are all about saving. No Muslims, no queers, no sodomy? Those are three of the things that make America great right there. (Link to this)

DICK-MOBILES SHEDDING WHEELS
July 21, 2006

Complaints spur investigation into defective Hummers

"I thought I was so safe because the H2 is so huge and strong," said Iris Ziroli, a southern California Hummer owner. "The way that Hummer fell apart in that drive-through was uncalled for." (story)

Despite several recorded incidents of Hummer wheels dropping off for no apparent reason, GM denies there's a problem. A GM report says that no problems were found through design checks, forensic evaluations of failed parts, and a part performance study under extreme abuse conditions.

Tell that to Ryan Spenlinhauer whose H2 collapsed without warning as he left his driveway and hit a tree. "It's not a situation you expect in a Hummer," he said. Me neither. It's just a hilarious bonus. (Link to this)

WHATEVER LETS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT...
July 20, 2006

John Bolton dismisses civilian deaths in Lebanon

US Ambassador John Bolton said there was no moral equivalence between the civilian casualties from the Israeli raids in Lebanon and those killed in Israel from "malicious terrorist acts." (story)

"I think it would be a mistake to ascribe moral equivalence to civilians who die as the direct result of malicious terrorist acts," he added, while defending as "self-defense" Israel's military action, which has had "the tragic and unfortunate consequence of civilian deaths."
Remember when cuntservatives used to think they were clever accusing liberals of moral relativism? I guess moral relativism's only bad when you're defending an illicit BJ. (Link to this

9-11: IT'S REPUBLICAN VIAGRA
July 19, 2006

Republican Senator uses 9-11 to get votes... what's new?

Mike DeWine: not soft on terror, more hard for it.

Ohio War on Terror warrior Mike DeWine, like every other pitiable Republican creeping the face of the earth, has no problem flogging the 9-11 tragedy for all its worth to get votes. But DeWine has gone one step further and used doctored images of the burning twin towers in a campaign ad that attacks his Democratic challenger for being "soft on terror."

A DeWine spokesman admitted that an image of the burning towers in his recent campaign ad had computer-generated smoke added to pretty up the devastation a little. Apparently the disaster was not sexy enough for Mike, so he had a CGI guy to spice it up in order to rustle up a few more sheeple votes.

"Instead of being honest and engaged in discussion with voters and the media, he's exploiting an American tragedy and now we find out that even that's a distortion." Said his Democrat rival. Sad, sad little flag fucker. (Link to this)

NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED...
July 19, 2006

At least 229 people have been killed in Lebanon and more than 450 wounded since the the start of the Israeli assault one week ago. (Link to this)

WHO WANTS SOME BUSH LOVIN'?
July 18, 2006

Bush startles German Chancellor with inappropriate neck rub

"Oh yeh baby... you know you want a little US hegemony."

Nice to see our rhesus-monkey-brained 'President' taking a break from steering the world into disaster to indulge in a little light-hearted sexual harassment. With Bush busy exercising his Benny Hill/sex predator side at the G8 summit, the world could breathe a little easier. Except of course Angela Merkel, German Chancellor and object of Durr Fuehrer's unwanted affections.

But at least one European leader still can't get enough Bush lovin'. An open mic also captured this exchange between America's least popular head of state and the poor sap in London who just can't quit him. Apparently, Bush's My Little Tony had brought a gift to mark Bush's 60th birthday:

Bush: "Thanks for the sweater. It was awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself."
Blair: "Oh, absolutely."

Damn. Perhaps Ken Starr should consider checking that thing for stains. (Link to this)

TORAH TORAH TORAH: JEWS GONE WILD
July 15, 2006

Israel bombs Lebanese civilians, Bush claims self-defense on Israel's behalf

Our tax dollars at work - more misery courtesy of Israel

Israel continues to bomb Lebanon killing 35 civilians - 15 of them children - today. At least 100 more have been killed since the bombs started dropping three days ago. (story) So how surprising is it that Bushco™ continues to kiss zionist ass and stick with the "Israel can do no wrong" line despite growing calls from the rest of the world to stop the bloodshed?

Not very considering the billions of dollars poured into Israel as 'Christians' all over America ignore the suffering of the Palestinian diaspora, the anti-arab holocaust (I'm sorry, is there a Jewish monopoly on these words?) and the blood-soaked slip 'n' slide to WWIII. American zionists like Aaron Goldstein at American Daily spew Goebbels-style polemics such as "Israel finds herself at war once again...with its neighbors committed to its destruction it has always been at war" while dumb fucks from Jeezuzland to the White House chug the Kool-Aid with their eyes shut tight against the glare of reality.

If our MSM was anything more than a pro-zionist propaganda conduit, round about now would be a great time for a little reality. According to the über-Islams in Saudi Arabia, the Arab beef with Israel would be dropped if only they'd withdraw to their pre-1967 borders and grant equal citizenship to the arabs living there. Hardly sounds like the rabid "Israel must be destroyed" rhetoric we're used to them telling us about. But, of course, conflicts are never resolved by hearing both sides of the argument. That's just liberal insanity. (Link to this

KENNY BOY GETS PLANTED
July 13, 2006

Pa Bush attends funeral service, pastor tells of 'Lay's lynching'

The Reverend William A. Lawson: what's up with this guy?

More than 1,000 gathered at First United Methodist Church in Houston to attend Ken Lay's funeral. Among the attendees were former President George H.W. Bush, former Secretary of State James A. Baker III and ex-Houston Mayor Bob Lanier, who collapsed just before the service began and was taken by ambulance to St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital. At the service, Lay was remembered (or bizarrely misrepresented?) as a "kind and generous man who was unfairly characterized after the company's collapse."

"I am glad to have known Ken Lay and glad that he was willing to reach down and touch people like me." Said William Lawson, pastor emeritus of Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church. Lawson added: "Ken Lay was neither black nor poor, as James Byrd was, but I'm angry because Ken was the victim of a lynching."

Perhaps William Lawson needs to put down the crack pipe and remember how James Byrd got the shit beaten out of him and was dragged around behind a truck until his head popped off his body. Yup, pretty much an identical situation to poor Kenny boy.

How long will America tolerate the brutal oppression of downtrodden billionaires and thieves? It is a disgrace that a convicted criminal is forced to die like a dog in Aspen with only $54 million to his name... oh Lord, one day we shall overcome. (Link to this)

JUDGE SIDES WITH DOCTOR NUTJOB
July 11, 2006

Court case against 'rude doctor' dropped

A New Hampshire doctor has escaped disciplinary proceedings by the state Board of Medicine after a judge ruled he had the right to talk like an ass. "It is nonetheless important ... to ensure that physicians and patients are free to discuss matters relating to health without fear of government reprisal, even if such discussions may sometimes be harsh, rude or offensive to the listener." Said Judge Edward Fitzgerald.

So just what were those 'matters relating to health' that got Doctor Terry Bennett in trouble? One complaint accused him of telling a patient recovering from brain surgery to buy a pistol and shoot herself while another accused him of telling another woman that she was so obese she'd only "be attractive to black men."

"If you look at the polling, nobody likes fat women ... Black guys are the only group that don't mind that. Is that racist to say that?" Said Doctor Nutjob in his defense. You heard it from a doctor: black dudes dig fat white bitches - it's medical science. (story) (Link to this)

PLAYING PSYCHEDELIC TAPS
July 12, 2006

Syd Barrett's ultimate trip

He ingested LSD like breath mints and wound up as a home-bound recluse dying at 60. But in his short prime, he did stuff like 'Interstellar Overdrive' (a result of ingesting massive amounts of acid while playing along with the theme to Steptoe & Son, the BBC precursor to Sanford & Son). True genius.

Post-Barrett Pink Floyd became nothing more than a boring, superannuated pub blues band for bourgeois bohos. But with Syd they were something special. Here's hoping he has a great ultimate trip. (Link to this)

ANN COULTER BLOWS SHOW PONY... MAKERS OF 'LITTLE MAN' INDICTED FOR WAR CRIMES...
July 11, 2006

In the absence of news, let's make some shit up that could be true anyway

Isn't that what the MSM do every day? And, judging by today's famine crop, they can't even hack it in fantasy world.

Lord, who would have dreamt that Durr Fuehrer's 1,000 year Reich would go out on such a dull note. It is official: as of today, news has ceased to exist. Time to stifle a yawn and bring out the Democrat gimp:

"As she runs for re-election to the Senate from New York this year and lays the groundwork for a possible presidential bid in 2008, Mrs. Clinton is receiving hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign contributions from doctors, hospitals, drug manufacturers and insurers. Nationwide, she is the No. 2 recipient of donations from the industry, trailing only Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania."

Yawn... (story) (Link to this)

LIEBERMAN IS NOT GEORGE BUSH
July 9, 2006

Republican-Lite candidate feels need to point out that he isn't George Bush

In a primary debate against Democrat rival Ned Lamont, Joe Lieberman felt it was necessary to make this point: "I know George Bush. I've worked against George Bush. I've even run against George Bush. But Ned, I'm not George Bush."

Thanks for clearing up the confusion, Dr Zaius. (Link to this)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR LEADER
July 6, 2006

George W. Bush hits 60

I'm still unable to get my head around the fact that George W. Bush is 60 years old today. For one thing, how can someone be that old and still come off like a socially inept tool with the communication skills of a PCP smoker?

Nope. It's impossible. For me, he'll always be Baby Bush - the twenty year old frat boy with an unspecified brain injury. These are, apparently, the qualities we value in a Commander-in-Chief. (Link to this)

THEY KILLED KENNY... YOU BASTARDS!
July 5, 2006

Ken Lay dodges jail via heart attack in Aspen

Cut down in the prime of his greed, Ken Lay leaves behind a wife, several thousand bankrupted Enron employees, a clutch of destitute retirees living on pet food and the shat-out remains of corporate America's credibility. Alive he was a thieving cunt, now he's a dead thieving cunt. No tears here for Kenny Boy. (story) (Link to this)

HAPPY FOURTH - HERE'S YOUR FIREWORKS!
July 4, 2006

North Korea launches WalMart-grade ICBM

Type A dong launches Taepodong: How embarrassing would it be if this guy ended the world?

North Korea has just launched a long-range Taepodong-2 missile. Fortunately, for the left-coasters, Kim's dong proved a little less long-range than he'd hoped when it plopped harmlessly into the Sea of Japan. Perhaps now Bushco™ will actually quit bitching about Iran and concentrate on this rather more pressing issue before Pyongyang manages to iron out the glitches.

Why is it that Bushco™ are so low-key about North Korea anyway? Could it be that their oddly laissez faire attitude to North Korean nukes is a reflection of the voting habits of those parts of the US currently in range? Imagine how all hell would bust loose if they ever strapped on an auxiliary gas tank and started 'messing with Texas'. But incinerate California? It would be a neocon wet dream if the country's biggest blue state went away and, claiming 9-11 type disaster privileges, they had a great excuse to suspend democratic government for the rest of time. Am I paranoid? Maybe having ICBMs pointing my way for the first time since the disintegration of the USSR would do that to you.

So what do the North Koreans say? According to the National Salvation Front Line Web site:

"Our anti-imperialism before pushing, height lights fatherland unifying 3 principles and 6.15 joint declarations more and it holds and it inflicts with to certainly hold the unifying world where all offspring of the same forefather wishes bitterly, it comes and the spur more on distinguished family unifying vicarious execution position and it is an end thing."

So that's all clear. When Google warns you that their Korean to English Web page translator is Beta only, you should definitely believe them. (Link to this)

STRANGE TINGS A GWAAN
July 4, 2006

English woman suffers stroke, wakes up with Jamaican accent

"Linda Walker woke up in hospital after a stroke — speaking with a West Indies accent. Linda, 60, made a speedy recovery after suffering the minor seizure at her home. But she was shocked to discover her traditional Tyneside lilt had been replaced by one which sounds like she is from Kingston, Jamaica."

Reading this story in the Sun newspaper (the credibility-stretching British tabloid famous for pandering to working class bigots and masturbators) it's easy to cry bullshit. It's also easy to assume that 'Foreign Accent Syndrome' is a fantasy ailment pulled straight from an editor's ass. But wait... According to Science Daily the disorder is rare but very much genuine:

"The first widely known case of Foreign Accent Syndrome reported in English was in 1941, when a Norwegian woman suffered a brain injury after shrapnel hit her head during World War II. She experienced severe language problems but eventually recovered, speaking with a perceived German accent. Her community later ostracized her."

Consider yourself informed. (Link to this)

LIEBERMAN OUT AT LAST?
July 4, 2006

Bushco's favorite Dem looks set to lose

Lieberman/Barney: spot the dinosaur

Joe Lieberman's popularity is sliding against Democratic challenger Ned Lamont in Hartford where he's now running for a fourth Senate term as an independent candidate. Polls show Lamont's support among Democrats increasing from 19% in May to 32% in June with Lieberman's support during the same period falling from 65% to 57%.

"While I believe that I will win the August 8 primary, I know there are no guarantees in elections," said Lieberman. "No one really knows how many Democrats will come out to vote on what may be a hot day in August." (story)

While Joe 'Bush-Lite' Lieberman may blame high temperatures for (hopefully) getting whipped, the real reasons for his unpopularity may have more to do with his obvious affection for George W. Bush, the fact that he was the first Dem to call the 2000 election for Bush/Cheney and that his voting record puts him further right than many Republicans. This dickhead's been in the wrong party for years and the big surprise is that he's chosen to run as an independent instead of simply climbing out of his Republican closet.

Joe Lieberman: a real champion of the people. Unfortunately those people are George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. (Link to this)

SON OF IRAQ?
July 3, 2006

Generals defy the chickenhawks over Iran

Rumsfeld experiences Pentagon-induced migraine

Gung-ho morons don't get to be a four-star generals. Similarly, a willingness to abandon professionalism and bend over unquestioningly for the bonehead chickenhawks in Washington doesn't tend to get you far either. True, military service is all about following orders with good grace and a deep sense of duty, whether you're dodging bullets in Baghdad or filling an office chair at the Pentagon, but there are limits.

Now the top brass are beginning to express dissent as we move from the smack-talking phase into the pushing and shoving phase of the Bush brawl with Iran. Senior commanders have warned that any attack launched by Bushco™ would have "serious economic, political, and military consequences for the United States." They also stress that "no evidence of clandestine activities or hidden facilities" has been found by any intelligence agency. A high-ranking general was quoted in the New Yorker as saying "We built this big monster with Iraq, and there was nothing there. This is son of Iraq." (Link to this)

GOP HEADED FOR IMPLOSION?
July 2, 2006

Immigration splits conservatives

The grassroots cuntservatives and the corporate wing of the GOP fan base are terminally split over immigration. While the Jeezuzlanders yell for bigger fences, deportation and compulsory English, the business weasels advocate free immigration and a steady supply of exploitable foreigners. (story)

This split creates a major headache for Bushco™: Do you go anti-immigration and lose the corporate financiers or go liberal and lose the voters? As Lincoln said "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Good luck with that, Herr Rove. Or rather not. (Link to this)

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