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WHITNEY, BOBBY AND OSAMA MAKES THREE - THE SEQUEL
August 31, 2006
Fried Wire is still stunned by recent revelations that Osama bin Laden once had a crush on Whitney Houston. It's a true international terrorist meets ersatz soulstress soap plot to be sure. And now here's episode two...
According to showbiz gossip, Bobby Brown has skipped the marital crack house to 'exercise his prerogative' with 'hip-hop temptress' Karrine Steffans. Self-confessed former 'coke whore' Steffans claims that when she first met Bobby, "...he told me he was a member of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him."
Huh..? Aaron Spelling couldn't make this shit up. (Link to this)
TURD-POLISHING AND LIES
August 31, 2006
"With the growing lethality and the increasing availability of weapons, can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?"
Donald H. Rumsfeld, Tuesday, August 29, 2006.
Rumsfeld made a spectacularly dumb speech to a veterans group on Tuesday that painted Democrats and anti-Iraq war activists (and, by default, those 56% of Americans who say yes when asked "do you think the United States made a mistake in sending troops to Iraq?") as flag-burning fifth-columnists. His bullshit message was that Democrats who oppose the war are the same as the Hitler-appeasing non-interventionists of the pre-WWII years. Really?
Perhaps it's the Alzheimer's. Or maybe Rumsfeld is relying on the fact that nobody will remember it was American conservatives like Ayn Rand, William Borah, Robert Taft, Charles Lindbergh and the America First Committee who most vociferously opposed the then Democratic president's calls to kick Hitler's ass. And let's not mention Dubya's non-interventionist grandaddy, Prescott Bush, having his company busted by the feds under the Trading with the Enemy Act.
Yup, as far as big balls and brass necks go, Rumsfeld should get to keep the trophy. (Link to this)
BLAMEGATE OVER
August 30, 2006
Valerie Plame ID leak traced to Richard Armitage
During the past few years, the American MSM and the ass-covering pols in DC have managed to turn one simple act of treasonous cynicism into a partisan bore-fest of Homeric proportions. After jumping from one suspect to another during the course of the 'Plamegate' investigation, the MSM has now decided that it was then-Deputy Secretary of State Richard L. Armitage who blew Plame's cover to Robert Novak.
The inference now is that we can all shut up about Rove, Libby, Cheney, Bush, etc., and get on with ignoring reality. But that doesn't un-happen three years of Bushco™ bullshit. Even though every wingnut in America will crow about the 'liberal witch hunt' failing and rejoice that it's all over, these bullet points still stand:
As long-drawn out, tangled intrigues go, this one is hardly over - however much Rush Limbaugh and his lumpen proles would like it to be. (Link to this)
REDNECK FAUX-JEW PREDICTS END OF WORLD
August 29, 2006
Ex-country singer claims Mid-East nuclear war will start in two weeks
Yisrayl Hawkins (born Buffalo Bill Hawkins) is staking his doom seer rep on nuclear war breaking out on September 12. Most prophets prefer to pitch their predictions a few years ahead so that everyone's forgotten all about them by the time they fail to materialize. Not so Hawkins who's boldly foreseeing a mere two weeks ahead.
According to the press release from Hawkins' House of Yahweh, Abilene, TX, "Calling upon his 50 years of biblical research, Hawkins correlates numerous Bible prophecies with world events to support his claim." Even though 'Hawkins' House of Yahweh' sounds like a restaurant chain run by Jehovah's Witnesses, is that reason enough not to take him seriously? Should we be worried?
Although Hawkins claims to trace his Jewish lineage all the way back to the tribe of Levi, his brother says "He ain't got both oars in the water, if you know what I mean. Our daddy was a Dutchman, our mother was three-quarters Cherokee, and we don't have a drop of Jewish blood in us." Perhaps we shouldn't be ordering fallout shelters just yet.
Please don't forget to call Hawkins' House of Yahweh at 325-672-9492 on September 13 and wish them better luck next time. (Link to this)
OH GOD...
August 28, 2006
Suicided screedmeister Hunter S. Thompson once summed up the 1992 election as "a choice between a scorpion and a gila monster." Perhaps he should be glad he won't be around in 2008 to witness the stumble-fuck battle royale for adequacy between the coffin dodger and the android pictured above. Is this what you end up with after 230 years of independence? Maybe the Jeezuzlanders are correct when they tell us there's no such thing as evolution. (Link to this)
BUSHCO™ BOOM MUGGED BY REALITY
August 28, 2006
"Some people who aren’t partisans say, 'Yes, the economy’s pretty good, so why are people so agitated and anxious?' The answer is they don’t feel it in their weekly paychecks."
Frank Luntz, Republican campaign consultant
Since Bushco™ grabbed the reins of power, we've been told how well the economy has responded to their gentle care. They tell us how much lower our taxes are and how much better off we are under the King Midas-like auspices of the neoconservatives. Of course, this is complete bullshit.
Anyone who bothers to check their pay stubs, read their investment statements or just take a passing glance at what the fuck is going on in the world will know that our economy is screwed. Sure, far up the economic food chain, things are going great for champagne-chugging monopoly men like Lee Raymond, but that means nothing to America's shat-upon middle classes who keep working harder for less.
According to the NYT "The median hourly wage for American workers has declined 2 percent since 2003, after factoring in inflation. As a result, wages and salaries now make up the lowest share of the nation’s gross domestic product since the government began recording the data in 1947, while corporate profits have climbed to their highest share since the 1960s."
During Lizard King Bill's campaign to dethrone the previous Bush, party strategist James Carville put up a sign at Little Rock HQ bearing the simple motto "It's the economy, stupid." This proved an effective way to keep Clinton's mind focused on his opponent's weakest point lest it should wander away into the realms of idle pornographic reverie. And the Democrats won.
DNC 2006 take note: Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. Sure it's harder to fit on a white board, but it could be helpful for the anti-Bushistas to remember during this year's mid-term campaigning. (Link to this)
FAIR
AND BALANCED AND DEATH TO THE INFIDEL™
August
27, 2006
Kidnapped journos convert to Islam at gunpoint
The
Holy Jihad Brigade militants released abducted Fox journalists
Steve Centanni and New Zealand-born cameraman Olaf Wiig after forcing
them at gunpoint to convert to Islam.
As far as proselytism goes, it's a tad heavy-handed (Jehovah's
Witnesses take note) but evidently an effective technique. "I
changed my name to Khaled. I have embraced Islam and say
the word Allah," Centanni said.
The idea of Muslim journalists working for Fox is mind-bending.
After all, it's always recent
converts who are most zealous (just
like new non-smokers) according to British intelligence.
Will we have to get used to Bill
O'Reilly signing off with a cheery "Allahu Akbar" and
is there room on Fox's encyclopaedic hate list to squeeze
in 'the infidel'?
And now, over to Mecca for five o'clock
prayers with Bill Kristol... (Link
to this)
TODAY'S
JESUS-SHAPED STUFF
August
26, 2006
A
woman in Pittsburgh doesn't know how to explain the Jesus
shaped MRI scan she just had. She said "You can almost
seen the thorns around the head and the nails... the nails
through the feet." Of course, there's a miracle attached: "My
neck does feel better. I don't know if that was Jesus or
physical therapy."
This latest holy manifestation comes hot-on-the-heels of last
week's chocolate
drip/turdular Virgin Mary in California.
Amazingly, most American Christians are still convinced it's
them damn' towelheads who are crazy. (Link
to this)
DEAD
CONSERVATIVES SOCIETY
August
25, 2006
Bill
Kristol, PNAC conservative, gets pied last year. "The former
chief of staff to Dan Quayle seemed to take the attack in
stride. His wife is concerned about his suit." (story)
Merriam-Webster
defines 'Conservative' as: "[T]ending or disposed to maintain existing
views, conditions, or institutions : TRADITIONAL b: marked
by moderation or caution c: marked by or relating to traditional
norms of taste, elegance, style, or manners."
Sound
like anyone you know? Nope. Me neither. This is because,
some time after 9-11, conservatives metamorphosed,
V-like,
into
the cuntservatives we know today. Suddenly it became 'conservative'
to bend over for 'big government' and to cheerlead without
question as our quasi-democracy is dragged into a chickenshit
new world of mass surveillance, rendition, legalized torture,
preemptive war and submissive, propaganda-spewing news media.
What is 'conservative' about any of this
crap?
And, in a world
where Rush Limbaugh is straight-facedly referred to as a 'conservative
broadcaster,' how can anyone doubt that the label 'conservative'
is now deader than 'whig?'. Indeed, anyone who conforms
to the dictionary definition
of conservative is now, ironically, more likely to be labeled
as "far-left" by new school fascists like Limbaugh,
Hannity (see: sucks ass) and
O'Reilly. There are no conservatives any more. They have been
forced to shut up or been driven
out of the think tanks by the didacticists of
the extreme right. Today there are only totalitarians
in thin disguises with lower-case
'c's
and capital 'cunts' for whom 'conservative values' mean nada.
Cue: Bill Kristol.
Bill
was on F(oxymoron) news yesterday warning: "we could
be in a military confrontation with Iran much sooner than people
expect." Who
is this cocksucker trying to kid? Kristol is hyping Iran
as a crisis and stirring up the domestic fear pot to hasten
a third Mid-east US occupation to fulfill the
rampantly unconservative PNAC plan he co-authored. Because,
as Retired General
Robert G. Gard said recently, "To
call the Iranian situation a 'crisis' connotes you
have to do something right now, like bomb them." Effectively,
this dangerous parasite is publicly inciting mass murder.
If blood-lusting psychopaths like Kristol represent conservative
'values,' call me a Bangkok lady-boy. (Link
to this)
WHAT'S INNAPPROPRIATE IN GUJARATI?
August 23, 2006
Indian weirdo launches Hitler restaurant
Sure it's weird that a Mumbai entrepreneur should build a restaurant themed around Adolf Hitler, but, weirder still, are the facts that (a) The news agencies keep reporting that the restaurant offends "India's small Jewish population" as if everyone else thinks it's an excellent idea and (b) Mumbai's police chief said he was yet to receive any complaint against the restaurant.
Looking forward to seeing the mascot style outfits they're planning for their flyer staff and, please God, let's hope they never get to install a "More Than 6 Million Served" sign outside. (Link to this)
AN INSIGHT INTO THE MIND OF THE ANTI-GENIUS
August 23, 2006
Dear Leader admits Iraq had 'nothing to do with 9-11' and had no WMDs
The lies and distortions deployed as justification for the invasion of Iraq have been busted for years. Now even Bush himself has spoken. (story)
Can the WMDs/9-11 involvement bullshit arguments finally get a decent burial after this? Could all the cuntservative fearmongers and lie-swappers now please shut their mouths? Could the unknown White House aide who slipped lithium into Durr Fuehrer's afternoon Tang please keep up the good work??? (Link to this)
WHITNEY, BOBBY AND OSAMA MAKES THREE
August 22, 2006
Bin Laden's former sex slave reveals his jones for Whitney Houston
Can Muslims have beer goggles?
Some stories are just too freakin' weird. Is it true? Is it bullshit? Is it a GOP talking point? Try this one on for size:
"LONDON, Aug. 21 (UPI) -- A Sudanese writer who claims she was Osama bin Laden's sex slave says the terror mastermind once had his sights set on U.S. singer Whitney Houston.
The Daily Mail reported Monday that Kola Boof, born on the Nile River in Sudan, claims to have been held prisoner for four months in a Moroccan hotel some 10 years ago where she was raped by al-Qaida leader.
She wrote in her autobiography, "Diary of a Lost Girl," which was excerpted in Harpers' Bazaar magazine: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen."
She said bin Laden was "obsessed" with the singer and considered killing her husband, Bobby Brown.
"Whitney Houston's name was the one that would be mention constantly," the Mail reported.
Boof also says bin Laden not only read the Koran, but she came across Star and Playboy magazines in his briefcase. His favorite television shows, she claims, were U.S. series "The Wonder Years," "Miami Vice" and "MacGyver."
Perhaps the ugly truth that flight 93 was brought down en route to Bobby Brown's crib on 9-11 will one day emerge. It could have been three targets of strategic, national importance that day: The World Trade Center, The Pentagon and R&B crack connoisseur Bobby Brown. Consider your mind blown, gentle reader. (Link to this)
FRIED WIRE BOO-HOO OF THE MONTH AWARD
August 22, 2006
Man-up, bitch, it's Boo-hoo of the Month time
The judging panel had a hard time with this one. There are just too many karmically-challenged dicks around who, as the saying goes, 'bring it on themselves.' But, after much deliberation, here are the winners in descending order:
In third place...
An anonymous freelance producer and camera operator is suing Flava Works, a Chicago-based adult enter-tainment company, for revealing his identity as the director of two of their gay porn 'releases.' He agreed to film and direct "Dorm Life 6" and "Dorm Life 7: Hot and Creamy" on the proviso that his name would not appear on the credits. Whoops... guess what? After "Dorm Life 6" made top black, gay DVD in the U.S. for five weeks in a row, John Doe became a reluctant gay porn 'big shot.' Talk about having (something similar to) egg on your face. (story)
And in second place...
After swinging Florida for Bushco™ in her twin capacities
as Bush-Cheney 2000 campaign co-chair and Florida Secretary
of State, Katharine Harris sampled a steaming plate of karma
this week when no-one turned for her campaign
rally. The nine other officials listed on her event flyer failed
to
show
and
Harris was left to address the thronging crowd of 40 supporters,
reporters and campaign-staff members alone. Unwisely, Harris
chose to hold the sad event in an aircraft hangar, which only
emphasized the paucity of the 'crowd.' The customary climactic
balloon drop also provided a pathetic spectacle in an almost
empty room with the sound of crickets chirping in the background.
How the mighty have fallen. (story)
Above:
See Katherine Harris' campaign Web site as of August 22,
2006. Note zero comments in four months.
And the winner is...
During an August 21 press conference, President Bush faced
a question regarding whether he is frustrated by news
from Iraq and the lack of gratitude among the Iraqi people.
Bush responded, "Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated." So
there we have it: the problem with Iraq is that the Iraqis
just ain't grateful enough to our leader for so selflessly
super-sizing their totalitarian shit hole into a free-for-all
hell hole. Poor George. Boo-fucking-hoo. (story)
(Link to this)
CLINTON II: THE BEST PICK FOR 2008?
August
21, 2006
Hillary Clinton more popular than the MSM would have you believe
First off, am I retarded or is this Fox copy writer a master of irony?
"WASHINGTON A poll finds Republican Senator John McCain has a ten point lead over Massachusetts Senator John Kerry for the Democratic presidential nomination."
Enough said. But should McCain instead choose to run as a Republican, it seems that the only Dem within spitting distance of blocking his power-hobble to the White House will be Hillary Clinton who is only 3% behind the geriatric douche bag in a recent Time poll. Time sums up thusly:
"In Blue America, they're watching a Lifetime movie about the country's first female President. In Red America, they're watching Godzilla."
Yup. Seems like Clinton's more popular than President-elect Gore and Kerry were back in the day. Now, if we can just keep that Elmer Fudd-sounding McCain tool out of the White house, we could all be throwing round the word 'bitch' in a couple of years in reference to the Prez. It will make a nice change from 'dick' at least.
Fried Wire smells a Margaret Thatcher in the works. And, worse than that, a Margaret Thatcher in fake-liberal sheep's clothing. (Link
to this)
QUOTE OF THE DAY
August 18, 2006
"The Supreme Court said dalliance with dwarves would gradually erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the guardian of the law."
(BBC News sums up the Philippines Supreme Court ruling in the case of a judge who was fired for consulting imaginary mystic dwarves.) (Link to this)
US
AIRLINE URGES BROKE EMPLOYEES TO GO DUMPSTER DIVING
August
17, 2006
Northwest
Airlines - the no. 5 US carrier - is preparing for bankruptcy.
And, like any good employer, they are doing what they can
to help their employees through the bad times.
The company recently sent out a booklet entitled "Preparing
for a Financial Setback" to employees which suggested
ways for them to make the most of their reduced salaries.
A section entitled "101 ways to save money" contained
tips such as shopping in thrift stores, taking "a date
for a walk along the beach or in the woods" and not being "shy
about pulling something you like out of the trash."
A company spokesman agreed that "some of these suggestions
and tips ... were a bit insensitive." (story)
It
all sounds terrible to be sure but, worry not: CEO Doug
Steenland's $1.46 million a year is safe.
(Link to this)
THEY'RE BACK...
August 16, 2006
See 2004's shit-slingfest in the archive...
In extreme right-wing world, truth can be disregarded, reversed, bent and twisted into a veritable balloon animal menagerie of impossible shapes. Cue Swiftboat Veterans For "Truth."
After slinging enough shit at John Kerry in 2004 to make his mediocre candidacy untenable, the pro-Bushco™ lying battalion has now sicked a snuff campaign on anti-Iraq war Democrat John P. Murtha. "I will do my best to 'Swift boat' John Murtha," retired Navy Capt. Larry Bailey said at a recent news conference. (story)
It will be interesting to see how these nasty little pricks spin Murtha's military record:
- Distinguished Service Medal, 1990
- Bronze Star with Combat V, 1966
- Purple Heart, 1966
- Purple Heart, second award, 1966
- Vietnamese Cross of Galantry, 1966
As usual, the reality of a guy's record doesn't matter a damn to the Stalinist revionists of cuntservative America - it's only blind allegiance to the Bushco™ revolution that counts. Those who have served their country honorably (Kerry, Cleland and now Murtha) are damned as peaceniks because they're Dems, while Republican chickenhawks and draft dodgers are lauded as big-balled Rambos. Have we really sunk to this again? (Link to this)
REPUBLICANS WITH RACIAL TOURETTE'S
August 15, 2006
Senator George Allen apologized yesterday for insulting a campaign rival's staff member with a racial slur during a speech in the town of Breaks on the Virginia/Kentucky border. Shame on you, Senator, don't you realize there's no place for racism in that part of the world?
Allen used the word 'macaca' several times to describe a 20-year-old volunteer of Indian descent on his Demoocratic rival's campaign team. He later claimed that he had no idea what it meant. Said Allen: "I would never want to demean him as an individual. I do apologize if he's offended by that. That was no way the point." How could anybody, after all, take offense at being compared to a Macaque monkey? Look how cute they are.
But Allen is not the only Republican who should be booking himself in for a sensitivity seminar. Last week, Republican dumbass Mitt Romney apologized for dropping the term 'tar baby' during a fundraiser with Iowa Republicans. Romney, who is considering a run for president in 2008, said "The best thing politically would be to stay as far away from that tar baby as I can," in reference to a fucked-up engineering project in Boston that's been dropping chunks of concrete on passing cars. Romney denies that he knew 'tar baby' was a racial slur. Can a sitting governor and would-be presidential candidate really be this stupid? Apparently, yes.
Perhaps Romney and all those other accidental GOP racists should check out the invaluable Racial Slurs Database before opening their mouths in future. (Link to this)
TALK
RADIO HOSTS PAY LISTENER TO RIM BULLDOG
August
13, 2006
KUPD
morning hosts accused of encouraging bestiality
Talk
show hosts John Holmberg and Brady Bogen at at Arizona's
KUPD have been reprimanded by law enforcement after paying
a listener $550 to eat peanut butter off the anus of an English
Bulldog. The Maricopa County Sheriff’s office say they
could face could face animal cruelty charges if they don’t
stop encouraging acts of animal abuse and bestiality with
a new bestiality law taking effect on August 24. Mark your
Calendars: only two more weeks of legal bulldog rimming left
in Arizona! (Link to this)
HANNITY
SUCKS ASS
August
10, 2006
Lamont
supporter sneaks anti-Hannity sign onto Fox News broadcast
During
Tuesday night's Fox coverage of the Lamont/Lieberman contest
in Connecticut, hapless Colmes was dispatched to
Lamont HQ for a live broadcast. While Hannity spouted bullshit
from the studio, a plucky Lamont supporter switched his
official sign round for the benefit of the cameras. Sometimes
it's
the small joys in life that make it worth living. At
last! One opinion expressed on F(oxymoron) News I can
agree with. (Link to this)
DOCTOR ZAUIS OUT OF A JOB
August 9, 2006
Joe Lieberman loses Connecticut, vows to run as spoiler
Despite the concerted push job conducted by F(oxymoron) News and miscellaneous cuntservatives nationwide, Lieberman still got his sagging ass handed to him in last night's Connecticut Democratic primary. Could this be the first time in living memory that a mainstream media/RNC endorsed candidate has lost anything?
After all the shit slinging and fake Web site hacking brouhaha, the Connecticut voters have finally dumped their sitting Senator in favor of a different multi-millionaire who, to his credit, doesn't smooch Bush and cheerlead for the Iraq war.
Now the media is asking "Who brought Joe Lieberman down? Was it the liberal blogs?" Interesting. Is the inference here that it's one thing for the electorate to be deliberately and systematically misinformed by the MSM, but a bad thing for them to be in any way informed by non-corporate bloggers? God forbid American voters should be exposed to facts and become empowered to make informed decisions. We vote strictly in accord with irrational fears, prejudices and our determination to remain ignorant, thank you very much un-American "liberal bloggers." And we like our spoon-fed lies FDA approved. (Link to this)
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