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BUSH'S COUP DE GRACE
September 30, 2006

Torture, Wiretapping and the Quiet Death of a Free Country

The idea of American democracy received it's final coup de grace from Bushco™ this week and, thanks to the invisible Democrats, it died peacefully in its sleep.

Firstly, the House passed the bill to allow warrantless wiretapping by a 232-191 vote Thursday night.

Secondly, they passed Bush's pet torture bill 254-168 thus enabling the C-in-C to interpret the Geneva Convention more loosely than a free jazz combo. The torture bill incorporates, amongst many other nasty surprises, a frighteningly broad (i.e., infinitely interpretable) definition of 'enemy combatant' and the sudden end of habeas corpus as a legal principle.

The implications of Bush's new laws are both terrifying and depressing. In the space of 24 hours, the basic safeguards of our legal system have been gutted, filleted, and served up as a tasty pre-election treat. And for what? So Bush can avoid impeachment proceedings in the unlikely event that the Democrats take back the House in November and grow a pair? (Sorry, warrantless wiretapping is legal... sorry, detainment without due process is legal... sorry, torture is legal as long as rape and/or mutilation do not occur...) This must be the first time in our history that the people have been so royally screwed for the sole purpose of saving the presidential hide.

But if you're a flag-wrapped, clueless wingnut, I'm sure you'll be celebrating today. To you, it's all just a partisan game and your quarterback has scored another great touchdown. But one day, when you're all yelled-out and your fetish for authority figures is finally exhausted, you might just wonder what happened to that free country we always used to talk about. You might wonder if it was really worth shredding two centuries of democracy just to save George Bush from possible impeachment.

You can't blame Bush for exercising his roach-like will to survive, it's all he knows. But you can certainly blame the apologists and propagandists who polish that stinking turd of self-interest to make it resemble rational policy. Forgive the wingnuts, for they know not what they do. (Link to this)

OILY WORDS AND BAD GAS
September 29, 2006

Wingnuts Deny Bushco™ Influence on Pre-election gas prices

Dennis Hastert: lying, fat fuck? (note: Fox News-style question mark disclaimer)

Fort-two percent of Americans believe Bushco™ are massaging gas prices as a pre-election bribe even though they strenuously deny it. "I have been amused by ... the attempt by some people to say that the president has been rigging gas prices, which would give him the kind of magisterial clout unknown to any other human being." slimed Tony Snow, official White House condescending bastard.

The President is not a 'magician,' the wingnuts remind us. But he'd have to be in order to influence the price of gas peddled by GOP-friendly multinationals because the market is a mysterious force of nature beyond all human control. It's as if the oil companies would have no interest in keeping Bushco™ in power because they stand to gain nothing from Durr Feuhrer's continuing adventures in the Mid-East where oil squirts out of the ground. Who could dream such a crazy conspiracy? Such naivete.

Strangely, for a government pleading ignorance (a first time without justification), it sure looks like they want to take the credit for gasoline's new-found affordability. "Gas prices are falling," yells Hastert in his latest save-the-GOP-majority rant. "The nation and the world still need the Congress to lead, and Republicans are meeting that need every day."

So which is it? Are they claiming no control or full credit? (Link to this)

FUCK YOU, HASTERT
September 29, 2006

Speaker Denounces Warrantless Surveillance Opponents as Terrorist Sympathizers

Fat sack of shit, Dennis Hastert, today slammed those who voted against the bill to make Bush's warrantless wiretapping program legal.

"Democrat Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and 159 of her Democrat colleagues voted today in favor of more rights for terrorists," Hastert said in a statement. "So the same terrorists who plan to harm innocent Americans and their freedom worldwide would be coddled, if we followed the Democrat plan."

Hastert and the wingnuts, frothed up with spite and rattling with busted logic, truly are a disgrace to an already terminally fucked democracy. (Link to this)

BUSH'S LEGACY
September 29, 2006

Will History Smile Fondly on Our Dear Leader?

When that final brush has been cleared, the Grim Reaper comes a knockin' and George Bush finally catches the shuttle bus from Crawford to Hell, how will history remember our 43rd president? As Our Dear Leader once so sagely said "There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it."

As so often with those trademark quotes known as Bushisms, he flits masterfully between Zen-like inscrutability and guy-drunk-on-gasoline within the space of a single sentence. The bulk of Bush's legacy will almost certainly be his vast back-catalogue of Bushisms that bend the English language mercilessly into impossible shapes, confusing friend and enemy alike. There'd be little else, after all, but a dead democracy and an angry world to remember him by.

Maybe it's too early for obituaries, but let me be the first to list our Dear Leader's glorious accomplishments (in no particular order) lest they be forgotten post-mortem or pre-mid terms:

There are probably countless other reasons to remember the reign of Bushco™. But, for some reason, I now feel extremely depressed and angrier than Sally Struthers watching a competitive eating contest. (Link to this)

SCREECH MEETS DIRTY SANCHEZ
September 29, 2006

Another Sign of Impending Apocalypse?

Former teen TV star Dustin Diamond, who played Screech in 'Saved By The Bell,' has released a 40 minute sex tape starring himself and two lucky ladies. According to AOL's TMZ.com, the cinematic masterpiece also includes a 'Dirty Sanchez' scene. Agent David Hans Schmidt has acquired the rights and is seeking a distributor for 'Saved By the Smell.'

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business, mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it." said Schmidt (Link to this)

LET'S PLAY 'BLAME CLINTON'
September 28, 2006

And Whine Like Bitches When He Wins

After the Arkansas Chug-A-Suck went semi-ballistic on Chris Wallace the other day, the word 'combative' was parroted by outraged talking heads all over the TV dial. "Gee, Clinton got offended when he was blamed for 9-11? Must be guilty." Sound reasoning. If you're an eight-year old.

In lieu of a Democrat reaction amounting to anything more than a snuffling "s'not fair," Rudy Guiliani (yes, Rudy Guliani) came to Clinton's aid: "The idea of trying to cast blame on President Clinton is just wrong for many, many reasons." Said the slapheaded former emperor of NY.

But if you're looking for more intelligent, reasoned opinions on the 9-11 blame-game kerfuffle, don't bother looking in Roger Ailes' direction. Bush's chief propagandist accused Clinton of 'wild overreaction' to Chris Wallace's passive aggressive slander and went on "I frankly think the assault on Chris Wallace is an assault on all journalists." Why should that bother Ailes? Maybe if the bloated pig at the top of the Fox News shit heap employed any journalists, he might have reason to squeal. (Link to this)

US FIRST
September 27, 2006

Majority of Iraqis Want Bushco™ Out

According to the Washington Post: "A strong majority of Iraqis want U.S.-led military forces to immediately withdraw from the country, saying their swift departure would make Iraq more secure and decrease sectarian violence, according to new polls by the State Department and independent researchers."

It seems that Durr Fuehrer is even less popular in Iraq than here at home where, according to the latest AP-Ipsos poll, only 60% of Americans wish he'd fuck off and stop invading our country. Maybe if torture was rampant in the US and a 1,000-a-month were dying in a civil war, we might get up to 65% too. Perhaps then we could envisage an end to sectarian warfare and the establishment of a fledgling democracy. In Washington. (Link to this)

I GOT YOUR INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATE RIGHT HERE...
September 26, 2006

National Intelligence Estimate Contradicts Bushco™

Our Dear Leader today took a glorious step forward in the name of democracy today and declassified 10% of the War On Terror assessment compiled by 14 US intel agencies back in April. Why so generous? Because he wanted to back up his assertion that the NY Times had been wrong in saying the war in Iraq was breeding terrorists faster than Catholics on Ecstasy. "You can read it for yourself, everybody can draw their own conclusions about what the report says." Said Bush in lieu of vindication. The portion of the document selected to prove his point included the following:

"Although we cannot measure the extent of the spread with precision, a large body of all-source reporting indicates that activists identifying themselves as jihadists, although a small percentage of Muslims, are increasing in both number and geographic dispersion."

And that's from the part he did want you to see. As the formerly funny Carlos Mencia would say... (Link to this)

WIN BEN STEIN'S CONSCIENCE
September 26, 2006

In Lieu Of News...

Ben Stein wrote a column for the American Spectator entitled "Why I am a Republican" in which he sang the praises of Washington's most misunderstand fascistic greaseball. Stein tells us that Karl Rove "is probably the most humble human in a position of high authority I have ever met." If only we really knew him, we wouldn't be hating says Ferris Bueller's economics teacher. But, of course, some people are just plain mean according to Stein and would still hate him even they met him because "It’s just who they are."

How I want to insult Ben Stein. But who's going to pick a fight with a guy who was once Nixon's lawyer? And how could I doubt the judgment and veracity of someone who once said "Oh, I don't think there was a Deep Throat. That was a fake. I think there were several different sources and some they just made up." (Link to this)

DR HUGH CORT, SEER OF ALL THINGS, HATH SPOKEN
September 24, 2006

Republican Bozo Ramps Up Terror-phobia To Get Elected. Imagine That.

Dig that 'Platform' page.

On Republican presidential candidate Dr Hugh Cort's Web site, Dr Hugh Cort describes himself as "a kind and compassionate person with whom people converse easily. His spiritual talent is the gift of encouragement." Others may see him with a less angelic aura after reading his latest thinly disguised election pitch masquerading as a terror warning:

"Osama is soon going to attack with his 'American Hiroshima' plan where he blows up 7 to 10 American cities with suitcase nukes...bin Laden has already smuggled suitcase nukes through the Mexican border into the U.S. and is soon going to blow up 7 to 10 American cities... he has gotten a fatwa, or religious order, saying it is OK to kill 10 million Americans with nuclear weapons. Guess what is going to happen next? So what can we do at this late date? God bless you, and God bless America!"

That's some 'gift of encouragement' you have there Dr Hugh Cort. I feel very encouraged to call you an asshole. Have these cocksuckers no human decency off switch? Now I wonder if Dr Hugh Cort is a frequent diner at Hawkins' House of Yahweh, Abilene, TX... (Link to this)

CHRISTIAN CHARITY BUSHCO™ STYLE
September 24, 2006

Government Seeks To Introduce Compulsory AIDS Testing While Cutting Support For Sufferers

The HIV-1 virus: as warm and fuzzy as a Bush policy decision

The number of people living with HIV/AIDS continues to rise, but federal grants to pay for their care have not risen since 2002. The Bush administration continues to hold annual grants for the nation's metro areas at $600 million despite the fact that there are now more than a million HIV positive Americans.

But there is good news for the parasites who ride the Bushco™ shark like cleaner fish: The government is planning "near universal" compulsory AIDS testing to protect insurers from unwittingly entering into intimate financial relationships with those who may be HIV/AIDS infected.

At least the government is happy to throw some loose change at the insurance companies, even if they're pleading poverty when it comes to helping those who are suffering. Every time you think Bushco™ have hit rock bottom, they always find a shovel. Jesus must be so proud. (Link to this)

HOW MANY DEAD IRANIANS DOES IT TAKE TO WIN A MID-TERM ELECTION?
September 22, 2006

War On Iran Penciled In For October

Wars precede elections with nauseating predictability like the sick foreplay before a righteous fucking of democracy. But According to Time Magazine, the rapists of reality we know as Bushco™ are planning a pre-mid-term strike on America Iraq like it's the newest idea out of the box. "You gotta vote for us... there's a war on." Can't you hear the tired lie echoed by a million Bushbots already? It's the electoral equivalent of a mob protection racket and not too far from "vote for us or we'll kill your kids." Only they're mostly someone else's kids.

Because this imitation administration rides high on it's manic combination of arrogance and pig-ignorance, it doesn't even try to disguise the old election-winning gimmick. It's as if they don't care their plays are more familiar to us than Paris Hilton's butt cleavage because we fall for it anyway. America admit it: you've no grasp on reality apart from the spoon-fed chunks of malignant, xenophobic offal you're fed by the powers that shouldn't be.

Imagine the Bushco™ husks of faux-humanity hunkered down wondering when to launch an attack and how much damage to inflict to guarantee a GOP win in November. There wouldn't even be a place in hell for these bastards. Satan, after all, is the ultimate free marketeer and, as such, abhors competition. (Link to this)

FAIRY GODFATHER TO GRANT ONE MORE WISH
September 21, 2006

Karl Rove Promises October Surprise

Bushco™ incubus Karl Rove is telling 'Republican Insiders' he has an October surprise planned to help Bush cling to power. In the final two weeks before the elections the Rove trick pony promises an advertising blitz, an army of expenses-paid volunteers mobilized to key locations to boost grass-roots efforts and 'monitor' the elections. Meanwhile, Howie at the DNC plans to sit on his ass and watch the last remaining shreds of American democracy flushed down the totalitarian toilet.

What's Rove's surprise? A bin Laden look-alike blowing a rhesus monkey? A nuclear singeing of Tehran? Gender realignment for Dick Cheney? Ronald Kessler, Newsmax genius, had the same question but "Rove is not saying what the October surprise will be." Guess that's why it's called a surprise, Newsmax. (Link to this)

HICK LOGIC
September 19, 2006

More Jail Then Homelessness For Prisoner Who Planned to Co-habit

Because of some kind of Twighlight Zone constitutional loophole, the state of Virginia still makes it a misdemeanor for unmarried people to "lewdly and lasciviously associate" and live together.

William Stanley had already served 11 years when he came up for parole when he was turned down because he planned to move in with a woman he wasn't married to. (Hick logic: You can't be out there fornicating with unmarried women. You must stay in jail co-habiting in a 6x8 with a sex-starved sweaty dude named Floyd instead. Makes complete sense.)

Stanley was eventually released and is now residing at the Union Mission, a faith-based nonprofit group that provides shelter and counseling to the poor and homeless. Hey West Virginia, y'all fucking retarded? (Link to this)

AMERICAN TALIBAN
September 19, 2006

Evangelicals Find Commonality With Islamofascists

From left: Evangelical larvae freaking out at Jesus Camp; Jesus Clothing for a Ken doll (Doll not included) for sale at Kids In Ministry; A seminar by the 'Kids On Fire' people (note: similarly ill-advised activity contained in name).

Pastor Becky Fischer's Bible camp in North Dakota, 'Kids on Fire,' is the subject of a new documentary entitled 'Jesus Camp.' The documentary shows kids speaking in tongues, praying for an end to abortion and praying for (or to?) a life-size poster of His Holiness, George W. Bush. Some might call it salvation, others may opt for child abuse.

In case anyone hasn't noticed the growing similarities between hardcore Evangelicals in the US and the 'Islamofascists' in the Mid-East, Pastor Fischer is quick to help. "I want to see them as radically laying down their lives for the gospel as they are in Palestine, Pakistan and all those different places," she said about her young charges. "Because, excuse me, we have the truth."

"We're kinda being trained to be warriors - only in a funner way." Said one Evangelical larvae. See? We're not really so different after all. Brothers and sisters, I have a dream...Perhaps, one day, bigots and extremists from all four corners of the earth will be able to join hands together in hatred and fanaticism. (Link to this)

WILD KINGDOM
September 18, 2006

Animals weird, people weirder still

Sometimes animals do weird things. Take for example the 16-year-old Asian male elephant who surprised his trainer by learning to speak Korean. According to The Seoul Times, the elephant that goes by the name of Mr. Nose is able to pronounce eight words including "Good," "Lie Down," "Not Yet," Turn Around" and "No."

But sometimes humans do weird things to animals and I'm sure the sheep in our next story wish they could have said "No." Sheriff's deputies recently arrested a 69-year old man in Santa Barbara after he was found naked, rolled in oats and coated in olive oil in a sheep pen. He was also carrying a revolver and told the cops he was "enacting a fantasy." I am flabbergasted. Who knew they keep sheep in Santa Barbara? (Link to this)

BUSHCO'S FUNHOUSE
September 17, 2006

Gitmo: Come For The Waterboarding, Stay For The Homemade Cookies

There was an interesting op-ed in the New York Post about how much fun the detainees are having at Gitmo on Bush-sponsored vacations of indefinite length. Amidst all the accusations of torture, suicide, wrongful imprisonment and ritual humiliation, it's easy to get the wrong impression that Guantanamo is low on the list of hot Caribbean destinations. How wrong you would be!

Thanks to Richard Miniter (the master of delusion who penned 'Shadow of War - The Untold Story of How Bush is Winning The War on Terror') we can know the truth at last: Gitmo's great!

Miniter did such a great job selling the place, I'm almost disappointed the army aren't accepting reservations yet. "The politically correct regulations are unbelievable," wails Miniter "detainees are entitled to a full eight hours sleep and can't be woken up for interrogations." He fails, however, to mention cocktails, conga lines or lap dances.

And there's more: "One interrogator actually bakes cookies for detainees, while another serves them Subway or McDonald's sandwiches. Both are available on base. (Filet o' Fish is an al Qaeda favorite.)" Those lucky bastards! Miniter also froths that twenty two detainees even have "taxpayer-paid prosthetic limbs." Whatever next? Taxpayer-paid lobster buffets?

So why on earth would the UN would want to close down Gitmo? Is it just too much fun? Or is it another example of whenever there's a good time to had, there's always some buzzkill who wants to spoil it for everyone. Shame on you UN and thank you Richard Miniter for telling it like it isn't. (Link to this)

NEWTON'S THIRD LAW OF RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE
September 17, 2006

Pope's Anti-Muslim Comments Stir Usual Reactions

And you thought the AP's Photoshopping of the Lebanon bombing was clumsy? (Picture courtesy of Michelle Malkin's playhouse of hate)

The ugly boil of religious intolerance is being squeezed ferociously these days and Newton's Third Law is most certainly in effect: For every action there is a reaction, for every lashing out there is a backlash. So for the Pope to casually insult the world's second biggest religion in the course of a day's pontificating and not expect repercussions is bizarre indeed.

But whenever anybody (whether Danish cartoonist or Hitler Youth Pope) slams Islam, the onus always gets put on the Muslims to disown those amongst their number who express their anger. The original cause of the offense is never questioned by us because, goddammit, we're standing on the moral high ground built from the rubble of 9-11 and we can say whatever we want about the other 1.5 billion Muslims who didn't fly 757s into our stuff.

For these reasons, it's hard to find a post-9-11 wingnut (or pre-9-11 wingnut for that matter) who would see insulting Islam as uncool. Similarly, it would be hard to find a wingnut who wouldn't demand fawning apologies from Muslims every time those insults provoke the more demonstrative amongst them to return the hatred with interest. Cultural fascists like Michelle Malkin would never dream (at least not until after a few Chardonnays) of advocating the destruction of Islam. But whenever the Malkins and O'Reillys and other assorted wingnut clowns ignore offenses against Islam and move straight to demanding apologies from the offended, they're demonstrating their idea of 'good Islam': a meek, apologetic sub-religion that never challenges the God-given dominance of the Judeo-Christian world view.

The cuntservative attitude to Islam resembles the condescending and hateful attitude southern Democrats used to inflict on black people: We'll all get along fine unless, God forbid, you should dare to challenge our self-awarded superiority and our unquestionable right to treat you like shit. You get mad 'cos I call you boy? Better apologize to me... (You get mad 'cos I denigrate your faith and call your prophet a proto-terrorist? Better apologize to me...)

Cuntservatives have always tolerated diversity just as long as the 'diverse' remember who's in charge. It doesn't matter whether you're uppity negroes or uppity Mullahs, remember who is boss and keep your caps (or turbans) permanently doffed. Oh, and most importantly, shut up. (Link to this)

BUG BOMBS AND GENIUS ROACHES
September 16, 2006

After deciding those 1,500 pound bombs that blast the shit out of everything and make your brain leak out of your ears are a tad heavy-handed, the folks at the Air Force Research Laboratory are figuring out new and more subtle ways of combating enemy bunkers. So far they've come up with robot bugs as the next generation of smart weapons.

These spooky little suckers are designed to be intelligent enough to conduct missions autonomously with in-built abilities to improvise and think creatively. One video at the Research Lab Web site shows a shows a six-legged robot figuring out how to walk from scratch with no programming in eight minutes flat.

Stephen Thaler of Imagination Engines Inc., the man behind the genius robot cockroaches, describes their tactical intelligence as "Machiavellian." However, Thaler is right on the money when he also says "There is a reluctance to entrust lethal missions to autonomous robots." You'd hope.

Anyone whose ever read a book on Artificial Intelligence (as I once tried to do) will know that the whole idea is, literally, mind boggling in practice. During every moment of our daily experience there are an infinite array of possible actions and potential reactions that, somehow, our brains are able to sift and plan around. How the hell could you expect a robot with only a series of pre-programmed yes/no reactions (however complex) to emulate that? (Link to this)

BOB NEY BITES THE BIG ONE
September 15, 2006

Republican to Plead Guilty on Bribe Charges

Ohio six-term Republican and carnival barker look-alike Bob Ney vehemently denied being a crooked son-of-a-bitch for months. That was until today when he admitted accepting $170,000 worth of trips, meals, sports tickets and casino chips while trying to win favors for a disgraced lobbyist. He's expected to plead guilty and serve 27 months in jail. "I have made serious mistakes and am sorry for them." Announced Bob. Mistakes? Forgetting to tip is a mistake. Accepting $170,000 worth of bribes is not a mistake, it's a fucking crime.

As if to advance the commonly held thesis that the GOP has degenerated into nothing more than a grab bag of chiseling weasels where getting caught is the only crime, Dennis Hastert took the trouble to put out a press release saying "My thoughts and prayers are especially with him and his family at this time." How nice. (Link to this)

ICE V. ALIENS
September 15, 2006

Feds Capture Illegal Aliens Working In Roswell

The pseudo-debate about illegal immigration that drones on like a dull roar in the background spawns many questions: Considering every square inch of the United States has been stolen at least three times over already, just who are the illegals anyway? Just because one guy's ancestors happened to be wearing pantaloons when they illegally entered the place, does that make him legal? Doesn't calling Mexicans 'wetbacks' because they crossed a river sound a little rich when your ancestors crossed 3,400 miles of ocean? What fuckwit decided it was necessary to change INS to the ridiculously dumb sounding ICE? How did I miss the story below..? This is the best news item since the Osama/Whitney/Bobby love triangle was exposed:

"Federal agents on Wednesday arrested 15 illegal aliens who were working in Roswell, New Mexico, for a local company under contract to paint US military aircraft." (story) (Link to this)

IRAQ II
September 15, 2006

IAEA Labels Bushco™ Report on Iran's Nuclear Capabilities "Outrageous and Dishonest"

Iran's nuclear capabilities: a barrel marked 'radioactive' and the crack team assembled to hurl it in the direction of Israel.

A letter sent to the congressional committee by the UN inspectors investigating Iran's nuclear program has contradicted a US report on Iran's nuclear capabilities. The report "contains erroneous, misleading and unsubstantiated information," according to the International Atomic Energy Agency who called US attempts to exaggerate Iran's nuclear capabilities "outrageous and dishonest."

It's almost as if we're re-living the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. But Bushco™ won't care that their modus operandi is more obvious than a pulp thriller plot. Do you think the PNAC nutjobs give a monkey's scrotum about reality and/or public consent? How sweet. (Link to this)

IT'S ON: POPE GETS GNARLY ON ISLAM
September 15, 2006

Team Mohammed Mad Again

The Pope caused outrage amongst in the Muslim world by quoting criticisms of the Prophet Mohammed by a 14th Century Byzantine Christian emperor, Manuel II. "Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached," Said the Pope.

Hakem al-Mutairi, secretary general of Kuwait's Islamic National party, urged Muslim countries to recall their ambassadors from the Vatican until the pope apologized. The Pakistani foreign ministry said Benedict's remarks were "regrettable."

Perhaps it's time the Catholics and Muslims got together and agreed that the Crusaders, Conquistadors, wartime Hitler appeasers and latterday kiddy-fiddlers are not great ambassadors for Catholicism - just as those hirsute psychos who park airliners in skyscrapers aren't exactly glowing examples of Islamic piety. I'm probably not alone in wishing that the hypocrites and loud mouths on both sides of the religious divide would just shut the fuck up and do all of us a big favor. (Link to this)

SAME OLD SAME OLD
September 14, 2006

MSNBC is still excited... is anyone else?

"WASHINGTON - Less than two months until Election Day, the latest NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds that more than half of registered voters disapprove of President Bush's job performance, even more disagree with his handling of Iraq and a strong plurality prefer a Congress controlled by the Democrats — all suggesting that Democrats are still poised to pick up seats in the upcoming midterms." (story)

Yeh right. We're all talked-out, thought-out and not giving a shit any more. And that seems to include the Democrats. The battle to retake Stalingrad the House still looks like it's going to resemble a fight to the death between Barney the Dinosaur and Godzilla - even with a gift opponent like Bush who can't seem to go a day without fucking up before lunch. The Dems are like caretaker candidates headed by a small-thinking dufus (sorry, Howard, liked you man, but you let me down...) who's taken to rambling on about the 1960s like some kind of cuntservative caricature of a liberal.

The only real difference at this point is that the Dems get mad about government disagreeing with the wishes of the people, while the Reps get mad at the people who disagree with the wishes of the government. That's it. If you're looking for vision, commitment and idealism, you're sure as hell in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Link to this)

THE DOCTOR RUTH OF JEEZUZLAND
September 14, 2006

Evangelical sexmeister promotes better tasting jizz

Minister Joe Beam runs a group in Tennessee called "Family Dynamics." Their message: Christians ought to be having hotter sex. Beam recently held forth at the San Diego Church of Christ on the subject. At one point, he explained to the audience how to make their semen taste better for the benefit of their spouses. "Sweet stuff works." According to Joe. And it provides a built-in excuse because "then you can say, 'I'm eating this cake for you, baby!'"

I didn't even know Jeezuzlanders did BJs. Even less that they appear to have settled the 'spit or swallow' debate. I now see Laura Bush in a whole new light... and my lunch. (Link to this)

BIG BROTHER AT LOW, LOW PRICES
September 14, 2006

WalMart stores increase use of tracking chips

RFID: the spy in your pants

WalMart has announced plans to increase the number of stores using Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) chips to more than a thousand. RFID chips are embedded in merchandise to help with "inventory control and supply chain management." But the chips stay embedded after purchase which raises the weird possibility of them being used to track customers too if a retailer (or friendly government agency) felt like it.

WalMart and Target are two of the biggest fans of RFID, which has evolved over the past four years from conspiracy fodder to standard practice without much fuss. It's almost as if nobody cares that those $5 dollar pants you bought at Sam's Club are now endowed with surveillance superpowers or that your kid's Sponge Bob backpack is beaming your whereabouts back to the mother ship in Bentonville 24 hours a day.

It's now two years since the FDA approved an implantable, rice-grain-sized RFID chip for use in people . Let's read that again in bold just in case you didn't find the implications sufficiently disturbing: It's now two years since the FDA approved an implantable, rice-grain-sized RFID chip for use in people. VeriChip, the maker of the implantable chip, admit that even their own research found that 9 out of 10 people find the whole thing creepy. Can I get a "well, duh"? (Link to this)

SURE BEATS ADVIL
September 14, 2006

A recent study partly funded by The Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies has recommended researching the effect of LSD and psilocybin on headaches. I like their style though, sadly, The Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies is not half as much fun as it sounds. (Link to this)

DON'T LOOK NOW... IT'S THE MASTER RACE!
September 13, 2006

Fried Wire conservative op-ed

I won't say too much. Careless talk costs lives and there's a war on with... err... somebody and I live in fear of being man-raped by gay terrorists... It was the French who were behind the 9-11 attacks and John Kerry who lost WWII... It is my right under the constitution to bomb abortion clinics because we need the drones. Islam? I Slam! Go Dubya! (Link to this)

I AM CRUSHING YOUR HEAD...
September 13, 2006

Remember that "I am crushing your head" guy off The Kids in The Hall? Saddam Hussein clearly does.

We all know that the former despot and husky underpants model hates frootloops but likes Raisin Bran Crunch. But who knew he ran the full gamut of North American culture and was also a fan of camp Canadian comedy? After a particularly uncomfortable court session with a Kurdish Saddam survivor (reunions with folks whose families you gassed are always awkward), a pissed-off Saddam yelled at the prosecution bench "You are agents of Iran and Zionism. We will crush your heads." Cue the "I am pinching your face" Kurdish guy?

[Iran and Zionism? I think the part of my brain that processes conspiracy theories just had a mini-stroke.] (Link to this)

STRUGGLE FOR CIVILIZATION? CALL IT NOVEMBER
September 12, 2006

The best that can be said in defense of Bush is that 2,819 people died on 9-11 because we unwisely entrusted a stumblefuck moron and a gang of vicious ideologues with the delicate task of keeping the world's most powerful nation safe. The worst is that America's catastrophe provided Bush his greatest opportunity.

Since 9-11, his roach-like survival skills have relied almost entirely on a unique ability to convert his own shit into nourishment. Whether it's 9-11 or the subsequent horrors of Iraq, Afghanistan or New Orleans, he just channels each new disaster into votes with that familiar necrophiliac grin sat squarely on his face.

Key to the process is fear. Or more accurately "terrorphobia", the artificial substitute for rational discourse. Now, with mid-terms looming, Bush is selling himself as the antidote to the "terrorphobia" he's hooked us on. Truly, this kind of iron-balled duplicity would have made even Machiavelli choke on his own vomit.

Bush has used 9-11 as the supreme excuse to create a nation in his own image: a system purged of all egalitarian and humanist intent, a society drained of hope and prosperity for the majority and a vision of the future with nothing to offer but fear. Because of this we are all victims of 9-11. (Link to this)

OO-WEE-OO... IT'S THEM PESKY ILLUMINATISTS AGAIN
September 10, 2006

Commemorating 9-11 with the conspiracy theorists

"The global conspiracy to create a new world order under Illuminati mind control will prevail... just as soon as I'm done poopin'."

With 9-11 on the mind, it was illuminating (pun intended) to skim through the conspiracy nut sites and find out that the whole 9-11 deal was just part of that extremely slow-burning Illuminati plot to take over the world. How do we know? Because the number 11 is their (not-so) secret mind control number. And so 11-based coincidences abound:

  • New York City has 11 letters
  • Afghanistan has 11 letters
  • George W Bush has 11 letters
  • Trade Center has 11 letters
  • New York is the 11th state
  • The first plane to hit the Twin Towers was flight number 11
  • Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
  • Flight 77 was carrying 65 passengers. 6 + 5 = 11
  • 9-11 = 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
  • The Madrid bombings happened 911 days after 9-11
  • 9-11 occurred 11 years to the day after George Bush Sr. made his infamous New World Order speech
  • "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle" appears in verse 9.11 of the Quran
  • The groundbreaking ceremony for the construction of the Pentagon took place on September 11, 1941
  • Continental Airlines Flight 11 was the first commercial airliner to be blown up by a bomb in 1962
  • In 1974, a six-floor fire started on the 11th floor of the north tower of the World Trade Center
  • September 11, 1998 - 'The Starr Report' is presented to Congress accusing President Bill Clinton of 11 impeachable offenses
  • Mohammed's birth is celebrated on the 11th day of the 9th month
  • After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year
  • September 11th is the  254th  day of the year:   2 + 5 + 4 = 11
  • Manhattan Island was discovered on September 11, 1609 by Henry Hudson

But, spookier still, no-one seems to have noticed that the WTC was shaped like a fucking huge number 11 itself. You're welcome, conspiracy dudes. (Link to this)

YIKES! PASSENGERS SUE OVER BONNIE TYLER 'TRAUMA'
September 10, 2006

Airborne "Total Eclipse of The Heart" performance leads to lawsuit

Air France passengers are suing the airline after 80s two-packs-a-day-voiced siren Bonnie Tyler was asked to sing for the cabin crew. The passengers reportedly claimed they were "traumatized" by the experience.

What would you rather hear at 40,000 feet: (a) an impromptu Bonnie Tyler performance? (b) hearty yells of "Allahu Akbar" emanating from economy class? Hmm... not an easy decision. (Link to this)

THE PROTOCOLS OF THE FLUFFERS OF ZION
September 9, 2006

Pre-read qualifiers: (i) To question the policies and actions of the government of Israel does not constitute anti-semitism. (ii) The Holocaust most certainly happened and it was a very, very bad trip. (iii) The Protocols of The Elders of Zion was a Czarist propaganda hoax based on an 19th century anti-Masonic tract (please tell David Icke). (iv) Peace will never exist in the Mid-East until the lunatic fringes who mistake religious dogma for policy put their toys away and start dabbling in pragmatism. Got it?

Ever notice how we free-speech-lovers in the US have imposed a voluntary embargo on criticizing Israel? Ever wonder why we're so eager to denounce anyone who tries to as an anti-semite? And God forbid you should ever wonder whether the hardline model for an exclusively Jewish state inline with Old Testament prophesy is a fair or rational proposition in today's pluralistic world. (Who the hell are you, Mel Gibson?!)

We were treated to a perfect example of the 'Israel-is-always-right' phenomenon on, of all things, last night's Real Time With Bill Maher. HBO's favorite Bush botherer invited Binyamin Netanyahu in for a chat/ass valeting session. On a left-leaning show with a predominantly left-leaning studio audience hosted by a left-leaning guy who was fired by ABC for not toeing the wing nut line on 9-11, you might have assumed the former Prime Minister of Israel would be in for some tough questions. But you would have been horribly wrong.

From the onset, the interview began with the usual MSM premise: Israel = good, [insert Arab/Persian state here] = bad as Maher gave Netanyahu an open mic to let fly with his best material. Employing the familiar Zionist mix of sentimentality, guilt inducement and uncompromising nationalism, Netanyahu proceeded to tell us that "we have America" and "we will not go back into the gas chambers" to much applause from the studio audience. Stirring stuff.

Maher also gave his interviewer a free pass when he equated Hitler's Blitz on London with Hizbullah's attacks on Israel (WWII analogies are very 'in' this season). So let's not mention, as Bill certainly didn't, that the Blitz killed 43,000 people and destroyed more than a million homes in less than a year while, according to the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs, a grand total of six Israeli civilians were killed by Hizbullah attacks between May 2000 and the start of the attack on Lebanon in July. Call me a liberal moral relativist, but 43,000 to 6 ratios don't really fall into my big list of things that are really similar.

As a firm believer in rejecting absolutist dogma from whichever side of the political or religious spectrum it is shrieked, Netanyahu's speech sits uneasily on my stomach like bad gefilte fish. Just who is it who wants to reopen Auschwitz for business anyway? And what the fuck is "we have America" supposed to mean? Stuff like this only serves to make Israel sound like the Mid-East brat of big mommy America stamping its foot and crying 'Holocaust' any time it doesn't get it's own way. So, go on then, out me as an anti-semite. (Link to this)

PINK SPITTING WORM NOT A EUPHEMISM
September 9, 2006

Conservationists seek endangered status for weird earthworm

Palouse Earthworm advocate Steve Paulson said "This worm is the stuff that legends and fairy tales are made of. What kid wouldn't want to play with a 3 foot-long, lily smelling, soft pink worm that spits?" (Note to self: no more bong hits before press conferences.)

Conservationists are asking the federal government to protect the Giant Palouse Earthworm under the Endangered Species Act. The worm, previously thought to be extinct, has been rediscovered recently in parts of Idaho and Washington state. (Link to this)

QUOTES OF THE DAY
September 7, 2006

Cop wife pornstars, Heavy Metal pedophiles, Mexican decapitators, blind drivers... it's a big world out there

"Under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, and adjudicated by the Supreme Court of the United States on many occasions, pornography is a right under the First Amendment and no laws have been broken. As Mayor and council of the city of Snyder, we do not endorse pornography; however, we do endorse an individual's rights under the First Amendment of freedom and expression."

Mayor of Snyder, Oklahoma, answering calls that Police Chief Tod Ozmun should be fired because his wife does Internet porn. (story)

"He was suffering from a delusion that he was Ozzy Osbourne and had to do what Ozzy Osbourne was believed to have done and have sex with a 13-year-old girl."

Lawyer for Arthur Fairwell, accused Australian child molester. (story)

"Hooded men dressed in black stormed into a bar, fired into the air and threw down five heads."

A spokeswoman for the Michoacan state prosecutor's office gives a heads-up after Mexican gangsters gave someone a not-too subtle message. (story)

"I asked him if he could see me. He removed the dark-colored sunglasses he was wearing and I could clearly see he was blind as he had no eyes."

An English cop describes in court what happened when he pulled a car over for dangerous driving. (story) (Link to this)

BAD NEWS FOR BUSH, GOOD NEWS FOR BURKA SALESMEN
September 6, 2006

Taliban control half of Afghanistan, Iraq in 'civil war-like state'

War on terror going great? According to the Senlis Council, an international security and drugs think-tank, the Taliban have psychological and military control over half the country. Surely only a liberal, terrorist sympathizer would dare to wonder why Bushco™ are pouring American lives and money down the toilet and achieving so little. And don't even mention that pesky war going on round the corner...

While the neocons continue to deny that Iraq is in a state of civil war, Condoleeza Rice has found the perfect way to reinforce that message: compare the war in Iraq to the American Civil War. Smart move. (Link to this)

FRIED WIRE EXCLUSIVE: SNEAK PEAK AT NEW TMX ELMO!
September 6, 2006

Most Closely Guarded Secret in Plush Toys to be Revealed September 19

TMX, of course, stands for 'turd-munching xenophobe.' (right).


Wow. Excitement mounts as the holiday season approaches. Check out this (not taking it too seriously are we?) press release from Fisher Price:

"NEW YORK--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Sept. 6, 2006--The kick-off to the holiday shopping season officially begins on September 19th, when the Fisher-Price™ Friends division of Fisher-Price, Inc., a subsidiary of Mattel, Inc. (NYSE: MAT), reveals the most closely guarded secret in the history of plush toys. On the tenth anniversary of Tickle Me Elmo, the all new T.M.X.™ ELMO will make its global debut.

With presales already running strong at major retailers - sight unseen - the new T.M.X. Elmo hits store shelves for the first time at 9 a.m. on the morning of September 19th in the United States and globally on the 20th. Online Elmo bloggers are already talking about setting up camp at stores to be among the first to take home the newest sensation featuring Sesame Street's lovable red monster." (Link to this)

HOPE LIES BLEEDING...
September 6, 2006

Katherine Harris wins GOP nomination

The Katherine Harris campaign juggernaut (left): She's harder to shift than an infestation of roaches with a rat chaser

If proof were needed that the system is terminally fucked, you could do worse than take a look at Florida - that sunshine version of Boss Tweed's Tammany Hall. How was it possible that a cuntservative pariah like Katherine Harris - scorned by her own party, submerged in sleaze and still stinking of her 2000 shenanigans - could win nomination? (story)

The GOP tried to talk her out of running, she ran a pathetic campaign featuring rallies with no supporters and a Web site with no hits, her fundraising activities bombed, she has been linked to GOP corruption, her staff deserted her, and... she still won.

Some stories present this as a 'plucky underdog overcoming insurmountable odds,' More realistically, it should be presented as a symptom of the gutless and morally vacuous state of American politics which has, in its turn, whelped a gutless and morally vacuous electorate who couldn't vote their way out of a wet paper bag. (Link to this)

CODE BROWN: VIETNAM FLASHBACK ALERT!
September 5, 2006

Rocket fired at chopper full of dignitaries in Georgia

Just for a glimpse into the dark, empty mind of American cuntservatism, Fried Wire is now checking the news at The Conservative Voice - and it's as loud, shrill and obnoxious as you'd expect from its name. Today's tidbit:


McCain Helicopter Draws Missile Fire
By Sher Zieve –- A spokesman for the nation of Georgia said this week that the helicopter of an American delegation to that country was fired upon, last week. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) was named as the leader of the group. A surface-to-air missile is said to have been fired at the helicopter carrying McCain. The missile missed its mark and no injuries were reported.


Interestingly, The Conservative Voice omits some important and informative details. In addition to McCain, the delegation also included Senators Saxby Chambliss, Lindsey Graham, Mel Martinez, Richard Burr, John Sununu, and, last but not least, Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili.

I can't help thinking that the president of Georgia would have been a more likely target for Georgian rebels than a clapped-out sleazeball from Arizona. It doesn't always have to be about us, Goddamit. Despite the best efforts of the Bush administration, there are still some people in the world who don't necessarily want to kill Americans. (Link to this)

BROKEN DEF SEC RECALLED FOR REPAIRS
September 5, 2006

Rumsfeld during an official visit to Japan as Gerald Ford's Chief of Staff in 1974. (And, yes, this post is just a cheap excuse to use this picture.)

Apparently, Rumsfeld's maintenance light went on recently causing him to be brought in for repairs. He underwent shoulder surgery Tuesday to repair a torn rotator cuff, officials said. A 'torn rotator cuff'? Sounds more like something that would happen to a '74 Camaro to me. So, for the benefit of others for whom anatomy is a blank, here is too much information:


"The rotator cuff is a group of four muscles that surround the humeral head. The muscles are referred to as the "SITS" muscles-Supraspinatus, Infraspinatus, Teres minor and Subcapularis."


Got it? (Link to this)

MORE PHONY WAR ON FAKE TERROR
September 5, 2006

Color Pet Products say "Let your dog get even with this evil bastard" and buy a bin Laden chewtoy.

Steve Watson, internet investigator (horrible phrase) doubts the authenticity of the Gadahn tape. He cites its poor quality and convenient timing for Bush (can anyone say mid-terms?) as suspiciously piscine. Watson has taken to referring to those al Qaeda tapes that always seem to pop up in time to get Bush out of hot water as "The Neocons Greatest Hits." Here are some golden oldies:

I prefer their earlier stuff... The last time a bin Laden solo tape emerged was during the furore surrounding illegal NSA wiretapping of US citizens in January. The BBC commented that "the commander-in-chief has been under intense pressure in recent weeks, accused of trampling on civil liberties in pursuit of terror suspects. His defense has been that America is a nation at war. So bin Laden's latest threats to launch new attacks on the US will only serve to underline this argument." Handy.

That difficult third album... A bin Laden vid appeared in October 2004 - exactly three days before the election and caused Bush's approval rating to jump six points.

Bin Laden unplugged... Prior to the start of the Iraq war, bin Laden appeared in February 2003 on an audio tape that was touted as proof positive of Al Qaeda links to Saddam Hussein - the tape was later determined to be a fake.

The bin Laden debut album... In December 2001, a mistranslated bin Laden tape surfaced in Afghanistan featuring a poor quality look-alike who got the 9-11 hijackers names wrong. He also wore rings which are a major no no for strict Muslims.

To doubt the black ops propaganda delicately spoon-fed to us by our obliging media, ineveitably invites a spray of venom from stage right. I'm sure, to the Bushco™ brownshirts, Steve Watson is seen as a terrorist-sympathizing traitor for doubting The Dear Leader.

Has everyone forgotten this country was founded through revolution and defined by its healthy contempt for 'God-given' authority? When did we turn into a nation of paranoid sheep with a kink for authoritarianism? Sure as hell wasn't that way ten years ago when the wingnut hypocrites were busy shredding Bill Clinton into Bubba-based mystery meat. (Link to this)

SHUT THE FUCK UP
September 5, 2006

According to an unnamed GOP spokesperson quoted at The Hill "We're under no illusions that the House floor in September is not going to be political theater, we're showing that the Democrats are weak on national security and want to spend your money."

If that's the GOP strategy for maintaining control of the House, are they in trouble. How many 9-11s have happened on the Democrats watch? How many $8.5 trillion national debts were run-up by Democrats? Here's a simple counter to the GOP talking points: shut the fuck up. (Link to this)

PHONY WAR ON FAKE TERROR?
September 4, 2006

As the neocon v. islamofascist war on terror drags on in its own Orwellian way, imagine how delighted Bushco™ must have been when former Californian heavy metal dude turned al Qaeda terrorist Adam Gadahn made a video. Gadahn, complete with terror beard and robe, is now one of the most high-profile of al Qaeda's western recruits. On the vid (not really a 'booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere' type of production), he ranted about the infidel, Bush, Iraq, yada, yada... all the usual fear-inducing islamofascist propaganda that works far more to Bush's advantage than anyone else's.

But the most interesting part of his fireside terror chat was his list of three favorite infidels who, coincidentally, could well be Bushco's three least-favorite infidels: Seymour Hersh, George Galloway and Robert Fisk. Hmm... witty speech writing, CIA dudes.

And, speaking of the nagging paranoia that al Qaeda does not really exist other than as a Mephistophelian invention of American intelligence, it was strange to see that 'Jihad Unspun,' the english language al Qaeda-backed site, is still up and running (Google it yourself). Back in 2003, folks of a suspicious bent were wondering why a pro-al Qaeda Web site operating out of Canada (not exactly the hostile ass-end of Pakistan) was not, oh I don't know, closed the fuck down. One logical conclusion was that 'Jihad Unspun' was really a clumsy entrapment project to snare terror-curious surfers and spread disinformation. That was a pretty convincing argument three years ago and even more so today. (For the full story on Jihad Unspun, check the Information Clearing House) (Link to this)

IS AMERICA READY FOR A FEMALE ANTICHRIST?
September 4, 2006

OK, I admit it... When you get news from a site that has sidebar links listing "Ufology, Plagues, False Gods, Freebies," you may have wandered far from Reuters territory. But then what does Reuters know about the coming of the antichrist?

Since the dawn of recorded imbecility, good Christians (or more accurately, bad ones) have been speculating over the identity of Jesus's own Lex Luthor and taking that AD 90s potboiler by John of P