C-Spam October 2006

Ralph Arza, Jeb Bush and David Mealor photographed by Mark Foley during happier times in the Florida House.

At the best of times, a GOP pol manages to button down their worst impulses, lay back and think of the money. But with the clock ticking inexorably toward D(emocrat) Day, they are clearly beginning to lose it.

Florida (where else?) representative, Ralph 'The Tallahassee Bully' Arza, is currently the focus of major scorn for leaving drunk messages on a colleague's answering machine who filed a complaint about him. "Hey, bitch," he said. "You're nothing but a bitch. You're a bitch. You're nothing but a bitch. God Bless you, bitch."

Sometime later, in a voice just a little less calm, Arza left a second message for Rep. Gus Barreiro. "Hey, bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch, brother, my nigger." Not without reason, Florida's embattled Democrats have called Azra a 'foul-mouthed bully' and refused to sit with him in the chamber.

I'm not sure why, but I find it hilarious that Arza's official Web page lists his recreational interests as 'Reading, Weightlifting.' What a class act. (Link to this)

Connoisseurs of irony take note: Bush removes Saddam from power, Saddam keeps Bush in power.

So Herr Rove is banking on an 11th hour November surprise to pull Bushco™ from the brink of disaster? Thanks to the obedient corporate welfare queens who own our media, there's been a virtual news blackout on the decision to move Saddam's sentencing from October 16 to November 5 - just two days before the midterms. Smart move, Fairy Godfather.

This brisk time line means that Bush's triumph will be fresh in the minds of the electors when they trudge to the crappy voting machines to express their thanks to Our Dear Leader. But two days doesn't leave much time for the Islamofascista to spoil the spoiler by expressing their disapproval in bomb form and taking the edge of the feel-good factor.

The Bush administration has a long history of timing Iraq-related moves to coincide with the American election cycle. When Bush famously declared "we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here," was he referring to elections? (Link to this)

After 2000 and 2004, you might think the 'accidental' malfunctions that gave phony votes to the Republicans while disenfranchising Democrat voters would have been corrected - or at least made sneakier. But, on the strength of recent evidence, you would be wrong.

In Peoria, Illinois, last week a woman used one of the new electronic voting machines set up for early voting and was dismayed to find the machine had recorded her choices and cast her vote - even though she had only browsed through the selections available and had not voted. Would it take a genius to figure which choices the machine made on her behalf?

Several South Florida voters also say the choices they touched on the electronic screens were not the ones that appeared on screen. One voter touched the screen for gubernatorial candidate Jim Davis, a Democrat, but the review screen repeatedly registered the Republican, Charlie Crist. A poll worker then helped the would-be Dem voter and took three tries to get it right. (Link to this)

Mother Fuckers, Special-Ed Strippers and Election Fraud... Just Another Day in Ugly America

"Shocked, shocked would be more a better way to describe it. That somebody would dip to the lows to do something of this nature. It's just pretty much a shock to the conscience of the general public." So said a spokesman for the Albertville, Alabama, Police Department after a 19-year old was arrested for raping his own mother while she was passed-out drunk on the sofa of their trailer home. The motive? To get revenge on his brother after an argument. Jeez, way to win induction into the White Trash Hall of Fame...

Next up, a former teacher's aide was sentenced to nine years for a lunchtime strip and self-fondle in front of a group of special-ed charges in Indiana. Schmeca White, 28, was convicted last month on charges of sexual misconduct with a minor, vicarious sexual gratification and battery. She was acquitted on five other charges.

But if you really want ugly, you can't beat the Golden Shower State. Overeager to deliver another kick to the balls of democracy, Jeb Bush's Florida fiefdom opted for the early ballot. And some Democrat whiners are already complaining about the touch-screen voting machines helpfully switching their selections from Democrat to Republican. Another coup for Sequoia Voting Systems and (literally) the GOP in the making? (Link to this)

Bush Flogs the Gay Marriage Dead Horse - It's the ~~Economy~~ Sodomy, Stupid

Forget the death-fest in the mid-East, forget about your bloated mortgage, your stagnant salary, the extinction of the American middle class and the rotting away of the public education system. And while you're in a forgetting mood, don't forget to forget about the gutting of the constitution, domestic surveillance, legalized torture, government corruption and Republican malfeasance... what is important? Dudes getting married.

At least it is according to the 189.75 lbs of wasted protoplasm currently occupying the White House for whom every other subject is a GOP vote-loser. Truly pathetic. (Link to this)

Dallas Cowboys passing game coordinator Todd Haley is suing a suburban McDonald's after claiming his wife and their family's au pair found a dead rat in their salad. The dead rodent, believed to be a juvenile roof rat, was about 6 inches long and was found on its back with its mouth open.

"Nothing is more important to us than the safety and well-being of our customers." Said the Southlake McDonalds owner-operator. Err... really? (Link to this)

Anton LaVey died of a coronary this day in 1997. And, yes, the news is boring today so I'm using this excuse to post a cool Halloween picture of LaVey with celebrity Church of Satan member and honorary Warlock Sammy Davis Jr.

Interesting political sidebar: LaVey's do-as-thou-wilt 'Satanic Bible' was a complete rip-off of Ayn Rand's 'Atlas Shrugged' which went on to become a favorite of aspiring neocons (at least until they reach the point in their personal development where they shed the affectation of libertarianism). How weird is that? Err... not very. (Link to this)

"It's a no-brainer for me," said old Casio-heart when he was asked about Bushco's decision to legalize torture. So literally true...

Pricks like Cheney don't even have the native wit to realize that 'robust interrogation techniques' have always been used on the ground when need arises. But giving a dangerous suspect a hard time on the sly and deliberately ushering barbarous practices into law so they can be used with indiscriminate abandon are miles apart on any moral scale. It's hard to say which is more nauseating: Cheney's casual brutality or his neocon amateurishness. (Link to this)

When Bush spoke about the Iraq war recently and said he 'shared our sorrow,' one part of his speech would have caused his flagging evangelical constituency to prick up their holy ears. The figure of 144,000 troops currently in Iraq that he cited corresponds neatly with the 144,000 evangelists for Christ twice mentioned in Revelations.

Bush has always 'stealth preached' to the evangelicals by sneaking bible speak into speeches to fly under the secular radar and straight to the ears of Jeezuzland. Would any self-respecting evangelical miss this coincidence and fail to read its significance? Could he really be a tinfoil hat crazy with the world's most powerful military at his disposal? It's not exactly a comforting thought. (Link to this)

Agents said they seized more than 45 pounds of high-quality methamphetamine worth $864,000 - equivalent of 4 million doses - when they busted a drug ring. Officials released photos of an Elmo doll found in Barstow, California, with a caption saying 4 pounds of methamphetamine was found inside.

I've always had a bad feeling about that bastard. Now for Barney - that purple ecstasy freak is long overdue for a take down. (Link to this)

Remember the name Ronald Kuch because he will live on in infamy. This Michigan man was arrested for... wait for it... having sex with his girlfriend's dead dog (4-5 days deceased) at the side of the road in plain sight of a nearby daycare center. Kuch faces a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison for 'crimes against nature.' (Link to this)

Why would a sober body like the ASBL be willing to splash out ten grand for freely available public information? Because the government is deliberately making it impossible to obtain. Why? Because Bushco™ prefers to illegally throw small business money at mega corps like Lockheed, Raytheon and Northrop instead and aren't in a big hurry to let anyone prove it.

With small businesses employing more than half of the American private sector workforce, this might be a good time to ask again who the hell this crooked kleptocracy is supposed to be representing and who it prefers to kick in the balls. (Link to this)

George (in white) and friends "wearing wigs and employing falsies to fill out their sweaters" perform a skit at Phillips Academy. It's included here for no other purpose than gratuitous mockery.

If childish and unsubstantiated accusations of 'flip-flopping' were enough to lose the 2004 election for John Kerry (that and his tree-like, soporific persona), would the same dumb smack work again against Bush's GOP battalions? If so, let's give it a try.

Bush explained to George Stephanopoulos yesterday how he's never said we should 'stay the course' in Iraq. "Well, hey, listen, we’ve never been 'stay the course,' George. We have been — we will complete the mission, we will do our job, and help achieve the goal, but we’re constantly adjusting to tactics. Constantly." Said Our Dear Leader in his own inimitable, word jumble style. Err... sure George. Remember these flips to yesterday's flop?

It's difficult to imagine our feckless bully of an accidental president staying any kind of course. Though, to his credit, he does seem to have stayed away from transvestitism, booze and cocaine for a while. (Link to this)

"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. But there is something even worse: it is the first, last, and middle range of fools."
H. L. Mencken

The fact that Rush Limbaugh still manages to go about his sad, irrelevant existence unmolested by heart attacks, out of control 18-wheelers or even spontaneous bouts of muteness is proof to me that God works in extremely mysterious ways. Each time that familiar fat mouth creaks opens, with jowls aquiver and hate synapses overloading, another squalid meme is launched into the ether and a nation is left nauseated by the aftertaste of Limbaugh's latest opinion.

Whether he's wishing decapitation on Quakers spraying McCarthyite bile at liberals or just hating on the ragheads, whenever I hear Limbaugh speak, I feel like my ears have stepped in dog shit. How can one man be so foul, sweaty and hateful? How could a merciful deity let this cunt continue to thrive?

Limbaugh's latest turd-like contribution to the pool of discourse bobbed to the surface yesterday after Michael J. Fox cut a campaign ad for an evil Dem who is pledging support for stem cell research. Limbaugh accused the Parkinson's disease-afflicted actor of "exaggerating the effects of the disease... he is moving all around and shaking... and it's purely an act" in the advertisement for Missouri Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill.

Perhaps old limp dick would have been more charitable if McCaskill was pledging funds for research into erectile dysfunction for drug-addicted, misanthropic radio presenters instead? Dear Lord, would Viagra-induced penile gangrene for Rush Limbaugh be too much to ask for this holiday season? (Link to this)

An exhibition in Oslo features photos of male giraffes mounting each other, apes simulating sodomy, whales indulging in mutual masturbation and the startling revelation that as many as 1 in 10 penguins are living in same-sex relationships. It's enough to make Fred Phelps' hate ravaged brain implode with a dull, 'phut' sound like a week-old party balloon. (Link to this)

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an opportunity to win that even the DNC couldn't piss away..?

"I would hate to think ... what my son's life would be like if we lose control of the Congress," said Pa Bush at a recent fundraiser. Our Dear Leader seemed not too thrilled by his old man's fatherly concern over the apparently inevitable Democrat takeover and responded "He shouldn't be speculating like this, because... he should have called me ahead of time and I'd tell him they're not going to [win]."

Is that hopelessly optimistic wishful thinking coming straight from GW's reality-defying ego, or is the fix really in? This unseemly public bitching reminds me of this charming anecdote:

Never let it be said that Our Dear Leader is one to pussy out of a fight with his own dad. (Link to this)

Our Dear Leader is now admitting that all is not well with his war in Iraq. Recently Bush said escalating violence there could be compared with the Tet offensive - the tipping point at which the Vietnam war became unwinnable for the US. But that didn't stop his VP from answering "remarkably well" when asked how the war was going on a recent radio interview.

There seems to be a tipping point for Cheney also where his pronouncements cross the line from lies into blustering imbecility like he's not even trying any more. I think it has been reached. (Link to this)

The question posed by Thomas Frank's book chronicling the rise of conservative populism is due for a redux in light of recent developments. Frank showed how Kansas is an incubator of political change where future societal swings are born and raised. To take America's political temperature, you shouldn't bother checking the coastal roosts of the thinking masses, you should plunge that rectal thermometer right up there until it hits Kansas instead.

With this in mind, it's intriguing to hear how many Kansas Republicans are now fleeing 'The Big Tent' as it sags ever more to the right. In a state that carried Bush by a 2 to 1 ratio in 2004, nine former Republicans are now running as Democrats in November. Mark Parkinson, a former Kansas Republican Party chairman who changed parties to run for lieutenant governor, sums up: "I'd reached a breaking point, I want to work on relevant issues and not on a lot of things that don't matter."

Looks like the midterms are going to be a real stinger for the GOP if the 'What's The Matter With Kansas' hypothesis holds true. (Link to this)

Paraguay's reluctance to sign extradition treaties made it an ideal retirement destination for Nazi war criminals on the run. So what are we to make of rumors that the Bush family have just purchased a 100,000 acres of land there? Bush has already been at work amending the War Crimes Act in order to retroactively protect him and other U.S. officials from future prosecution. Is this also part of the plan?

Could it really be that Durr Fuehrer is worried about the numerous human rights criticisms leveled against him, including that particularly irksome war crimes charge filed by the International Committee of the Red Cross? How cozy to imagine our renegade ex-President living out his twilight years safe from the reach of international law like an aging Doctor Mengele. (Link to this)

Click here and you could be the 255th visitor (note hit counter) to Kazakhstan's official Web site!

Sacha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Borat) has long been a thorn in the side of the good people of Kazakhstan. "By all means laugh at Borat if you will, but I suspect that, once you know something of the true Kazakhstan, his antics will leave a nasty aftertaste." Said Kazakhstan's ambassador to Britain recently.

Many Kazakhs are irritated that half the world now thinks of their former Soviet republic as a nation of anti-semitic, wife-beating dumbasses thanks to Cohen. Unfortunately, they're not doing themselves any favors in their mission to convince the world differently:

"ALMATY (Reuters) - The Kazakhstan central bank has misspelled the word "bank" on its new notes, officials said on Wednesday." (Link to this)

Cracker Barrel: Shotgun Wedding Receptions, Klan Meetings, ~~Bar Mitzvahs~~... Gum-friendly menu available.

It sounds like an elaborate preamble to one of Chris Rock's shouty jokes but it isn't. Al Sharpton's Action Network is currently financing a discrimination lawsuit on behalf of Chris Rock's mom after she was kept waiting an hour for a table at a South Carolina Cracker Barrel.

The chain has faced multiple lawsuits and a federal inquiry in the past after being accused of refusing to serve black customers, discriminating against minority workers and firing gay employees. Al "Shoot My Barber" Sharpton says "I'm getting reports from all over the country about Cracker Barrel." I'd like to make a sarcastic aside, but it seems redundant. (Link to this)

Despite the fact that he's dumber than a brick and makes less sense than a teletubby, the good people of Pennsylvania have kept Ricky around for more than ten years.

It would be easy to say "what the hell is wrong with the Pennsylvania electorate? Are they fucking nuts?" But I would say no. Fried Wire is big-hearted enough to recognize their hard work in the cause of affirmative action: Ricky has a handicap (I believe it's called Hylobatesitis or Gibbon Brain Syndrome) and without their helping hands, he'd be more likely spotted wandering around Radio Shack in a cycle helmet rather than occupying a fancy office in our nation's capitol. So I say 'bravo' to those selfless Pennsylvanians!

Today Ricky was speaking about the Iraq war and comparing it to the "Lord of The Rings." Asked why America has not been attacked since 9-11, he responded that it was because the "Eye of Mordor" had been drawn to Iraq instead. Hmm... I remember the excuses about WMDs, democracy, Axes of Evil and complicity with 9-11, but I don't recall much about Mordor, Mount Doom or the evil Lord Sauron. Are we there to bring democracy to Middle Earth or the Middle East? Have the GOP lost their damned mind or is it just Ricky?

Luckily, he went on to clear up my confusion: "As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else, it's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States." So that's clear then.

But leave it to those mean-spirited Dems to piss all over brave Ricky's speech. A spokesman for his Democratic opponent Bob Casey Jr. said "You have to really question the judgment of a U.S. senator who compares the war in Iraq to a fantasy book." I guess people like Casey don't care about Hylobatesitis sufferers. Or Hobbits.

More Santorum Sound Bites:

"Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"
(They're coming for our marriages!)

"The elementary error of relativism becomes clear when we look at multiculturalism."
(I don't like darkies and neither should you.)

"I have a problem with homosexual acts."
(Tried KY?)

"The majority of Americans consider themselves pro-life."
(Except for the tiny 60% minority who don't)

"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy."
(Article Thirteen, Section 1, of the 'Pulled Out My Ass' Constitution)

"We'll make sure there’s not another liberal judge, ever!"
(Das Drittes Reich muß den Krieg gewinnen!!!)

(Link to this)

Unlike the crazies you often see shouting in the street (let's call them analog crazies), we cyberspace crazies are able to get email feedback. Fried Wire would like to thank all the visitors who have taken time to send in feedback ranging from negative to life-threatening, over the past couple of years. Here's one now:

Wingnuts please note: I already have a "Fried Wire Sucks" email link which could have saved USAGOP23 a few hours typing time, so don't use the "Fried Wire Kicks Ass" link to vent your spleen or I'll put you on the mailing list and send you a free t-shirt. (Link to this)

Said defense attorney Jane Kinsey at the trial of former nurse Christopher Alan Irvin after he pleaded guilty to molesting a 3½-year-old dying girl and trafficking in child pornography. The 'good' bar sure seems a little low these days... (Link to this)

John Murtha was characterized as 'Baghdad Bob' by the wingnut blogs last year for his stance on Iraq. What will they say now Bush is considering the same strategies?

The Iraq Study Group is a panel set up to advise the White House. It is endorsed by Bush and lists amongst its members Pa Bush's former Secretary of State, James Baker. The group is set to offer two options for fixing the ongoing horror in Iraq.

Bush continues to blow hard about not quitting Iraq "until the job is done" and refuses to consider talking to terrorists or their state sponsors. So how would he spin these two flip-flop strategies to not sound like 'cut and run' or 'giving in to terrorists'?
And will Bushco™ thank John Murtha, and the other anti-war Dems he talked so much smack about, for their foresight in suggesting these options last year? Let's remember what they were saying then:

"Murtha has drunk the Daily Kos Kool Aid. He is a loser-defeatist whose own ideas must be defeated, decisively and mercilessly...What we really need is not troop withdrawals, but troop additions."

[Oddly enough, the meanspirited op-ed above has been removed from the New York Post archive, but 'Murtha has drunk the Daily Kos Kool Aid' still digs up the cached page on Google for all you wingnut source-doubters out there.] (Link to this)

THE ONLY CRIME IS GETTING CAUGHT... JUST BEFORE AN ELECTION
October 17, 2006

Republican Busted on Influence Peddling, Accuses FBI of Politically Motivated Sting

Curt Weldon, a ten-term Republican from Philadelphia and vice chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, is being investigated for violating bribery laws and using his position to throw money to his lobbyist daughter. Another great example of Republican family values?

After a series of raids by the feds just two weeks before the midterms, Weldon questioned the timing of the strike and accused the FBI of 'being politically motivated.' I ask again: Does anyone fall for this crap? Maybe the parasites and crooks following lives of crime under the GOP flag of convenience are deluded enough to think their malfeasance excusable, but to accuse Alberto 'Goon Squad' Gonzales' Justice Department of aiding and abetting Democrats is bizarre indeed.

The raids on Weldon come just three days after Ohio Republican Bob Ney pled guilty in his Abramoff-related corruption case. And let's not mention Mark Foley... (Link to this)

When the Taliban media chief warns that "Allah's punishment would fall on America in the month of Ramadan" and urges Muslims to get out of America, who benefits? The terrorists or Bushco™?

You would think that a threat of this magnitude would be all over the grown-up news sites if the story had legs. But it ain't. That's unless you'd count freerepublic.com, World Net Daily or nationalterroralert.com as grown-up news organizations. (And, if you do, Fried Wire's Pulitzer must have got lost in the mail.)

Using any standard definition of terrorism, it's difficult to argue that these wingnut fear pimps are anything other than bona fide terrorists themselves. Wingnuts and Jihadists are using the same messages, the same sources and the same outlets to achieve the same ends: terrorizing the public into abandoning reason and dumbly acquiescing to their Nietzschean will. Wingnut motor mouths like Bill Kristol are only one beard and an AK47 away from being bin Ladens themselves. Don't believe me? Read this again:

"Allah's punishment would fall on America in the month of Ramadan".

Feel that involuntary twinge of paranoia? That's the terrorism is working. (Link to this)

If the Supreme Court had not stepped in to prevent Al Gore becoming president six years ago, Joe Lieberman could still be VP. That would be a pretty high-up position for a nominal Democrat who runs against his own party and even refuses to say who he'd like to see win the midterms. Perhaps Bush's be-robed goon squad did the country at least one small favor in sparing us from Vice President Lieberman.

When asked recently if America would be better off with his own party winning a majority in the house, Lieberman replied "Uh, I haven't thought about that enough to give an answer." In what other cooperative field of human endeavor would Lieberman's level of cynicism and disloyalty be tolerated? Time for the Dems to grow that long-awaited pair and dump the Bush-kissing weasel in their midst. (Link to this)

DEAR GEORGE: JESUS LOVES YOU - EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE A CUNT
October 15, 2006

The long-standing marriage of convenience between the Republican party and America's Christian Hezbollah finally seems to be ending in messy divorce. Recently, the world's evangelical numero uno denounced the GOP saying they were so evil they'd actually caused Jesus to cancel the second coming and, even though he'd helped Bush get in, he now urged his multi-million flock to dump them.

Add to that the recent revelations by David Kuo, former Deputy Director of Faith-Based Initiatives and Bushco™ aide, that White House nabobs routinely (and accurately) refer to fundamentalist Christians as "the nuts", and you get the distinct feeling that the unholy alliance is finally kaput.

This is good news for anyone who cares about the old idea of government representing the majority and not just the cosseted top one percent. Today's corporate kleptocracy exerts a wildly disproportionate influence over our supposed democracy thanks to the Trojan Horse of Christian block votes obtained under false pretenses.

Perhaps, like all cheated-on spouses, "the nuts" are the last to find out: George Bush doesn't care about white, Christian conservatives. (Link to this)

It's almost as if fate is dragging the suicidally unambitious Democratic party into power against its will. After seeing the latest Gallup polls, and with only three weeks left before the midterms, they will need to work really hard to piss away this opportunity. Dems are more trusted by likely voters to handle every category polled. (Link to this)

	Democrats	Republicans	Advantage
Healthcare	64%	25%	+39
Corruption	51%	28%	+23
Gas Prices	52%	30%	+22
The Economy	53%	37%	+16
Iraq	52%	36%	+16
Immigration	49%	33%	+16
Morality	45%	36%	+9
Terrorism	47%	42%	+5

Watching Durr Fuehrer taking questions in the Rose Garden after Crazy Kim's nuclear test was like watching Rain Man playing charades. Even Bush rarely makes less sense or seems so disinterested in reality.

While Bush dictates that we must live in daily fear of the islamofascist hordes, it seems we need not worry about genocidal, nuclear dwarves with the ability to restage Hiroshima in our own backyards. North Korea threatening WWIII (or are we on IV now?) seems of so little interest to the presidential brain it may as well be the DVD release of 'An Inconvenient Truth'.

Clinton's pragmatic North Korea policy (at least he had one) has been roundly slammed by the wingnuts who are ever keen to blame a guy who's been out of office for 6 years for everything the Bush government does wrong today. Even though Bubba-era North Korea ceased plutonium enrichment and froze its nuclear program, it's still all Clinton's fault. But what happened after Clinton handed the keys to Bush? One "Axis of Evil" speech, one nuclear program resumed, a fully-functional nuclear stockpile in the hands of a loon and a nuclear proliferation frenzy in full swing. Damn that Clinton.

So what's Bush's policy on North Korea, as so clearly outlined in his mush-mouthed Rose Garden press conference? 1) No military intervention 2) no diplomacy. Given that economic sanctions on a country already so destitute would be pointless, what the hell is there left? We have the threat of nuclear war and a clueless president with nuclear ennui. Sleep easy in your beds, America! (Link to this)

For one terrible moment, I looked at the TV and thought "Oh my God, it's Karl Rove's October surprise!" Luckily, it wasn't. Just an unfortunate Yankees pitcher who learned too late he wasn't cut out to be a pilot. So no news today.

But amongst the usual cascade of v1agra spam and exotic viruses in the Fried Wire inbox today was a panhandling missive by John Murtha.

Unless he feels like showing up at my soul-sucking, fuck-miserable job for the day tomorrow while I take a stab at representing Pennsylvania's 12th Congressional District, John Murtha can kiss my broke ass. You do something, dipwad. (Link to this)

"Dude, you totally go to war in the short APC..." Could soon be a good put down amongst the ranks in Bush's new, dumber army. Misdemeanor arrests, drug and alcohol problems, medical issues and being a dumbass are now all excusable by army recruiters desperate to fill quotas as the disasters in Iraq and Afghanistan 'disincentivize' potential recruits. The Army said "good test scores do not necessarily equate to quality soldiers." Read: how smart do you have to be to take a bullet for Bushco™?

The Army has also revealed it's new slogan after "Army of One" began to sound a little too ironic in light of plunging recruitment levels. Now, courtesy of the Army's $200 million-a-year advertising agency, comes "Army Strong" - a new, less wordy slogan to scoop up those new, lower-quality recruits. (Who's the copy writer on that ad team? Captain Caveman? Looking forward to "Navy Buoyant" and "Air Force Loud.")

Fried Wire supports the troops (even the dumb ones) because I don't hate the players, I hate the game. More specifically, I hate the dickhead coach who should be blowing the full-time whistle instead of drafting in the fat, asthmatic kids to prolong the agony. If anyone's a 'baby killer', it's the witless neocon fucks press-ganging our kids into their new, dumber army for new, dumber wars. (Link to this)

What the fuck is wrong with John Kerry? He lost unfairly and squarely in 2004 by playing the 'nice card', now he's talking about sacrificing another election opportunity on the altar of his own deluded ego and running in 2008. Jeez, can't the guy stop screwing with my modest dream of living in a cunt-free America? At best, Kerry was merely the least offensive of two steaming plates of shit and that ain't good enough. Get the message, Mr Kerry, your services are not required.

For the first time in six years, it looks like the Democratic party (a.k.a. the marginally less hideous option) is in within ~~spitting~~ jizzing distance of the corridors of power. Then along comes Beaker to kill everyone's buzz. Must he be a recurring nightmare as well as a bad memory? (Link to this)

That subtle blend of spite and dumb that GOP pols have made their own was in evidence again recently when Illinois Republican Peter Roskam accused his Democratic rival of wanting to 'cut and run' from Iraq. If Tammy Duckworth had not been an Iraq war vet who lost both legs when her helicopter was shot down by insurgents, Roskam's comment might have been slightly less cringeworthy. (Link to this)

New Polls Show Slump in Republican Support... Could the Turd Finally be Flushed?

Karl Rove being cleared of blame for the Plamegate debacle (in reality, demoted to Novak's secondary source, which hardly constitutes innocence) inspired a cuntservative gloatfest recently. So what if Scooter Libby's still up on five felony counts of perjury, obstruction and making false statements? So what if Karl Rove's aide stepped down Friday after admitting taking bribes from Abramoff? They and the fuckwits who support them still refuse to gag at the stench of the growing mountains of shit that surround them.

Sometimes it's fun to imagine just what the Republicans would have to do before people stopped voting for them. Up until now, I assumed it would take Bush doing an OJ on Laura - or maybe footage of a dead hooker being tossed from the presidential limo - to make the wingnuts lose their love. But now Mark Foley has been flushed out from under his rock, the tipping point has been exposed: one pedophile and the whole shebang goes belly up. If only we had known it was so simple.

According to the first post-Pervgate polls, a majority of Americans now want the Democrats to take control of Congress. Fort-two percent trust the Dems to do a better job of 'handling moral values', 44% trust them more on the war on terror and Bush has sunk to his all-time lowest approval rating of just 33%. As to the great catch-all question, only 25% of us are satisfied with 'the way things are going in the United States.'

Perhaps America's great flirtation with the dark side is now over and the legions of wingnut hacks (you know who you are, Mark Nicodemo, even if nobody else does) can now go back to ranting impotently from their moms' basements fully disabused of the fanciful notion that they somehow reflect public opinion. As they say, good riddance to bad rubbish. (Link to this)

This fine anecdote from the LA Times is unequivocally hilarious with subtle notes of pathos and hints of bigotry. A fine aperitif for a Republican midterm massacre:

Fun Fact Sidebar: Did you know..?
If our fabulous president wanted to, he would be fully entitled to call himself "the Gay Rights President." Why? Not only because of photos like the one below, but also for the fact that it was during his administration that gay sex was finally decriminalized.

In 2003, the Supreme Court ruled that state anti-sodomy laws were in violation of the Due Process Clause of the 14th Amendment of the Constitution. So, if you really wanted to piss off Durr Fuehrer, write a letter to the 'Gay Rights President' and thank him for your constitutionally protected right to cruise the Hershey Highway without fear of getting pulled over. (Link to this)

Some of his best friends are Ted Hayes, ~~one of~~ the ~~leading~~ black Republican activists and advocate for the homeless.

Could Karl Rove be on the ropes? Could the heavyweight champion of shitty tricks be looking more like George Foreman c. 2006 than Cassius Clay c. 1965? Bloomberg is saying he had a 'three-pronged' plan to keep Washington in the clutches of the GOP. Unfortunately for Bush's own Dwight Schrute, his prongs have been somewhat blunted by reality:

Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Khameini recently cautioned Muslims to abstain from masturbation during the holy month of Ramadan. "If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a haram (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a haram intentional breaking fasting." Said Khameni on his Web site. It is unclear whether you're allowed to jerk off like a frenzied chimp for the rest of the year and still be considered devout.

What is clear, however, is that it is the duty of every patriotic Christian to masturbate as frequently as possible just to spite the Islamofascists who hate us for our freedoms. Oh... hang on... Christians aren't supposed to masturbate. Ever. Ain't that ironic? (Link to this)

Francis Fesmire of the University of Tennessee College of Medicine has won this year's IG Nobel prize for medicine. Did he cure cancer? Did he create an AIDS vaccine? Nope. Fesmire was recognized for jamming his finger up a patient's ass to cure him of hiccups.

Fesmire published a paper entitled "Termination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage" after curing an emergency room patient who'd been hiccuping for 72 hours straight. I wouldn't want to accuse the guy of cheating, but this just seems like an extreme variation of the traditional shock cure to me. "Hey, doc, I've got these really bad hicc... what the fuck?!?" (Link to this)

'Republicans have delayed the second coming of Jesus' According to World's Most Popular Evangelist

Tuesday: Praying with Dick (Separation of Church and what..?) Wednesday: Koranic study with Pat Buchanan...

According to a press release from Dr. K.A. Paul "More than 1,000 churchgoers and several pastors will gather on Sunday to hear the world's most popular evangelist, Dr. K. A. Paul, deliver a major sermon on how Republicans have delayed the second coming of Jesus. With the midterm elections next month, Paul is launching a crusade to save America from the wrath of God and Republicans abusing their power."

According to Paul, the guy who prayed with Bush and mobilized thousands of Florida voters to help him win in 2000, Jesus is now a fully-fledged a Bush-hater. Seems like even He is hitching his wagon to the Democrats' smear campaign... ("So much for non-partisan supreme beings," wails O'Reilly, "I invited God to come on The Factor tonight and justify himself but, as is typical of the far-left, he declined.")

I have two questions: Pedaphiles and anti-Christs? How will that play in Jeezuzland? (Link to this)

While Cheney was in Houston telling us we must "stay the course" in Iraq, Colin Powell was in Minneapolis telling us "staying the course isn't good enough because a course has to have an end" and that "only the Iraqi people can solve this."

While Powell complains lives are being squandered in Iraq for no clear purpose, Bushco™ continues with the 'ours is not to reason why' authoritarian line. (The Gospel of Dick, Chapter 1:1-2: "though, verily, we hath no plan, our plan must be followed.")

It's easy to see why Bush dropped Powell off in the woods and left him sitting at the side of the road holding his leash in his mouth back in 2003. There never was room in the neocon clusterfuck for lofty principles like common sense, restraint, conscience and/or a nodding acquaintance with reality. (Link to this)

"I'm deeply sorry that this has happened... The bottom line is that we're taking responsibility because ultimately — as someone has said in Washington before — the buck stops here." Said Dennis Hastert today. At the same time, he again refused to resign and continued to deflect blame onto ABC, George Soros and the 'vast left-wing conspiracy.'

So exactly what responsibility are you taking when you say "Yeh, I fucked up. But I ain't gonna do a damn thing to make amends, admit guilt or step down from the position of power I so richly do not deserve"? Fuck you, Hastert. (Link to this)

Having so much malfeasance, incompetence and sexual deviance in one place is like seeing a rare alignment of the heavens. And what is that purple fuck doing there? Damn, I hate that Barney. (Link to this)

Laura Bush Speaks Up For a Pedophile Enabler While Deluded Hubby Plans V-I Day

As the Democrats close in on the White House Durr Fuehrer bunker, and the Cuntservative Reich looks set to crumble, what are Mr and Mrs Commander-in-Chimp doing to save their dignity for posterity? One is pimping votes for a pedophile enabler while the other plans fantasy victory celebrations for a lost cause war like a senile Prussian Junker. This is too sad for words.

"Tom brought to the House the principles of efficiency and accountability that he developed during his successful real estate career" said Laura Bush today at a reelection fundraiser for pederast groupie Tom Reynolds. Does anyone fall for this pathetic bullshit anymore? Certainly not the constituents of the Pervgate supporting cast members Tom Reynolds, Dennis Hastert, John Boehner, John Shimkus and Rodney Alexander who, according to Political Cortex, are fighting for their political lives. With each other. Sad, sad, sad. It's like trapped animals gnawing each other's legs off to escape.

Want sadder? How about the news that Bushco™ squirreled away funds from this year's military spending bill to pay for a 'Victory In Iraq' celebration? "Tucked away in fine print in the military spending bill for this past year was a lump sum of $20 million to pay for a celebration in the nation's capital 'for commemoration of success' in Iraq and Afghanistan." Says The San Francisco Chronicle. It almost makes you feel sorry for the pathologically overoptimistic dumbass psychos we call neocons. Almost.

As V-I day isn't exactly a racing certainty this fiscal year, the party fund is being rolled over into next year. This will enable the president, in the words of the provision, to issue the "proclamation calling on the people of the United States to observe that day with appropriate ceremonies and activities" should V-I Day occur in 2007. Sad, sad, sad, sad... (Link to this)

Here's an interesting screen shot taken during the O'Reilly Factor last night. Wishful thinking on Fox's part or just a quick trick to catch a few of their less attentive viewers? Hard to say. (Link to this)

On last night's O'Reilly Factor, Ann Coulter was drafted in for a segment about ~~Mark Foley~~ how terrible Bill Clinton was. Tell-tale exchange:

I rest my case. There's only so long 'she' can avoid being outed as Arthur Coltrane of Pickens County, Georgia. (Note also: Adam's Apple, over-size feet and hands, pronounced supraorbital ridge, masculine jaw line, dude-like voice and 7-inch penis.) (Link to this)

Pervgate Representative Hides Behind Kids to Avoid Awkward Questions About Foley Scandal