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IT'S A RETARDED PLANET...
November 30, 2006

Man accused of spray-painting three goats
"Obviously it's not an occurrence you see every day, I think it was a situation where this harassment got out of hand."

Pigs attack, eat up child
"As owner of the herd of pigs, he has been booked under Section 289 of the IPC for negligence, and under Section 304(A) for causing death due to negligence."

Police: Dayton baby might have been microwaved
"There is not a lot of scientific research and data on the effect of microwaves on human beings."

Deputies: Man on crack when alligator attacked
"We don't know whether he'll make it or not."

No need to read any of these stories - the headlines really say it all. (Link to this)

FRIED WIRE FEEDBACK
November 28, 2006

Crappy Day at Work, Now the Marine Corps Wants to Kick My Ass...

Thanks to all you loyal readers out there - especially Mr McConnell with whom I've just been shooting the breeze by email:

From: Jerry McConnell <lethrneck@comcast.net>
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2006 6:52 PM
To: <friedwire.org@hotmail.com>
Subject: Fried Wire

Big brave man afraid to give his name??? Well, maybe not brave, but BIG MOUTH for sure.

 

From: Jerry Brown <friedwire.org@hotmail.com>
To: Jerry McConnell <lethrneck@comcast.net>
Sent: Tuesday, November 28, 2006 12:12 PM
Subject: RE: Fried Wire

I'm guessing you're a marine and, as such, could almost certainly whoop my scrawny ass with an idle swish of your left arm. That being said, I'd be in no big hurry to give you my name, rank and serial number. If that makes me not brave, then so be it.

The truth is I know people who are serving and/or have served including family members. I would never belittle these people, their bravery or their sense of duty. I also respect anyone who wants to kick ass for a living if that's their prime motivation. But I ain't cut out for the army and I don't pretend otherwise. (If the army ever get short of 170lb asthmatics with authority issues, then let's talk.)

It is possible, sir, to disagree strongly with how our government chooses to deploy troops without denigrating the troops themselves (I'm assuming you're wrongly assuming I'm a 'troop hater'). I believe this government is wasting people's lives on an ill-conceived and fatally flawed military operation in Iraq. Right now, it seems, that coalition troops are getting killed every day while politicians stall for time and try to figure out what to do. To me, you can't just slap a "Support Our Troops" ribbon on your car and pretend that's OK.

Isn't it possible to disagree without reaching for a can of whoop-ass?

 

From: Jerry McConnell <lethrneck@comcast.net>
To: Jerry Brown <friedwire.org@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Fried Wire
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 14:32:07 -0500

You "dissenters" all ask the same thing - Isn't if possible to disagree without...etc, etc.

My answer to that is NO! it is not possible while there is a war being waged. Every loud mouth dissenter just gives more aid and comfort to our enemies and encourages them to just keep hanging in there as like in Vietnam, we will finally just go away - in disgrace and defeat.

Just ask any of the returning troops what they think of dissenters. If you CAN'T do it, then just shut up and don't interfere with those who not only can but ARE doing it.

Don't bother answering as I don't take kindly to cowards and morale breakers. I will delete any further messages before reading your pitiful alibis.

Thanks again for stopping by, Jerry! (Link to this)

THE IRAQ DUCK TEST
November 28, 2006

"Suppose you see a bird walking around in a farm yard. This bird has no label that says 'duck'. But the bird certainly looks like a duck. Also, he goes to the pond and you notice that he swims like a duck. Then he opens his beak and quacks like a duck. Well, by this time you have probably reached the conclusion that the bird is a duck, whether he's wearing a label or not."

Richard Patterson, United States Ambassador to Guatemala, 1950

When Presidential sock puppet Tony Snow was asked by journos whether the Iraq situation had descended into civil war yesterday, his response was an obfuscatory tour de force and a classic example of failing the duck test:

"Civil war? No, but you have not yet had a situation also where you have two clearly defined and opposing groups vying not only for power, but for territory. What you do have is sectarian violence that seems to be less aimed at gaining full control over an area than expressing differences, and also trying to destabilize a democracy -- which is different than a civil war, where two sides are clashing for territory and supremacy."

At the same time, as Airforce One sped to Latvia for a two-day NATO summit, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley told reporters that the Iraq war was "clearly in a new phase characterized by an increase in sectarian violence." Come on Bushbots, just say 'civil war.' You may find the truth a relief. Or is it somehow more important to spare Bush's blushes than admit the reality of a situation that walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and costs 3,000 Iraqi lives a month? (Link to this)

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY HATER
November 24, 2006

KKKramer Also Accused of Anti-Jewish Tirade

Michael Richards allegedly lashed out at Jews during a performance earlier this year, yelling at one audience member: "You're a fucking Jew. Your people are the cause of Jesus dying."

If KKKramer thought he had trouble after offending what he called the 'Afro-American community' (what is this, 1968?), baiting Jews will put him in the deepest, darkest circle of career hell. In America, where unreconstructed bigotry and fake multiculturalism wrestle slipperily like spastic strippers in a pool of Jell-o, one anti-semitic diatribe is still the equivalent of several racist diatribes. In hate terms, it's like US dollars versus Canadian. (Link to this)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
November 23, 2006

NAVIGATING THE BESTIALITY MINEFIELD
November 22, 2006

Legal Double Standards?

While sex with dead dogs is illegal, sex with a dead deer? Knock yourself out. The Duluth News Tribune reports today that a Wisconsin man was arrested for "a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal" after being caught humping a dead deer last month.

His lawyer (what a proud career highlight for that guy) countered that "because the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed... Webster's dictionary defines an animal as 'any of a kingdom of living beings'. If you include carcasses in that definition, you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results." Way to go, Perry Mason. (Link to this)

THE ANGRY INCH
November 22, 2006

Penile Enlargement Man Wreaks Mayhem

A 25-year old Pennsylvania man was arrested after mailing a bomb to the doctor who performed his penile enlargement surgery. What more can you say? (Link to this)

THOSE WACKY SAUDS
November 22, 2006

Overlooking the Quaint Peccadilloes of Our Esteemed Allies...

Don't you just love Saudi Arabia? What's not to love about a sadistic shithole where teenage gang rape victims get 90 lashes for the crime of socializing with members of the opposite sex?

Many people assume American cuntservatives only love the Saudis for their oil. But shame on them for their cynicism! Christian fundamentalists all over Jeezuzland must admire them most for their rugged, Godly justice system that soars to heights of cruelty vengeful Jeezuzlanders can only dream about.

Don't believe me? Check out this cozy online chat about the death penalty at the Wichita Eagle for example. Oh if only we could whip teenage girls, stone homosexuals and cut the hands off shoplifters too... (Link to this)

KRAMER'S DARK SIDE
November 21, 2006

Rage-racist and Premier-League Freemason?

Suddenly Kramer went from 'hipster dufus' to Archie Bunker with 'roid rage as he disintegrated on-stage the other day. Kramer a racist? Dear God, the world is weird.

But there are even more surprising things to learn. According to his maximum security Wikipedia entry, Richards is...

"a 3° mason, and also holds 33° in the Scottish Rite; he is very active in preservation of masonic research, and in his personal life is an avid reader. He is a member of the following lodges: Riviera Lodge No. 780, Culver City–Foshay No. 467 lodge, Southern California Research Lodge. He is also a Life Member of the Los Angeles Scottish Rite Valley and a Life Member of the Scottish Rite Research Society."

I haven't been this confused since I found out Sammy Davis Jr. was a Satanist. (Link to this)

SOUNDS MESSY...
November 21, 2006

Mark Your Calendars: December 22 is 'Global Orgasm For Peace' Day

(CBS/AP) SAN FRANCISCO Two peace activists have planned a massive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter. But they don’t want you marching in the streets. They’d much rather you just stay home. The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.

I hear that Rush Limbaugh is already planning "Whack Off For War Day" on the 23rd to coincide with Bush's ongoing "Circle Jerk For Slaughter" project in Iraq. (Link to this)

UN REJECTS JEDI KNIGHTS
November 21, 2006

British Jedis recently petitioned the UN to recognize their religion after 390,000 people listed 'Jedi' as their faith on 2001 UK Census forms. This made for a weird press conference with a spokesperson for Secretary-General Kofi Annan:

Question: In England two Jedi Knights have appealed for recognition of what they call Britain’s fourth largest religion from the United Nations. I was wondering what the procedure was whereby the UN or the General Assembly would decide whether to recognize Jedi Knights as a religion.

Spokesman: As much of a geek that I may have been as a teenager where I saw Star Wars way too many times, unfortunately we are not in a position to recognize officially, the UN is not in the business of officially recognizing religions.

Question: I’m interested, does the UN recognize any religions?

Spokesman: The UN is not in the business of certifying religions, with or without light sabres. (Link to this)

GINGERBREAD NAZIS A GOOSESTEP TOO FAR
November 21, 2006

Christmas Window Display Nixed

Last year, artist Keith McGuckin displayed an art piece featuring a featuring a little boy using his new chemistry set to manufacture crystal meth and a snowman beating up carol singers.

But this year, artist Keith McGuckin was shut down by the folks in Oberlin, Ohio, for creating a Nazi Gingerbread man tableau. "He's gone way overboard this time. A few of his other displays were on the edge, but never that crazy." Said the owner of the hardware store that previously showcased McGuckin's work. (Link to this)

GOP FUNDRAISER GETS 18 YEARS
November 20, 2006

Tom 'Noe Money' Headed for Prison

Shake your money maker... King Skim now keeping less high-profile criminal company.

Tom Noe was convicted of theft, corrupt activity, money laundering, forgery and tampering with records last week and sentenced to an 18-year stretch in the big house. In a separate case, Noe has already been sentenced to two years for illegally funneling $45,000 to Our Dear Leader's re-election campaign. What a shocker... (Link to this)

FIRST DEMOCRAT LOON BREAKS COVER
November 20, 2006

Charles Rangel Pushes Draft

Incoming House Ways and Means Committee chairman Charles Rangel (D-NY), is proposing the reinstitution of the draft as a way of deterring future presidents from starting ill-advised wars. How the hell does that work? Because, according to Rangel's theory, they'd be less cavalier in their war-mongering if every 18-42-year old in every constituency (including their own) were liable for service.

Here's a better idea, Chuck: Blow it out your ass. (Link to this)

ANN COULTER'S THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?"
November 19, 2006

Bile-spewing Columnist Mangles Genders and Semantics

In his op-ed on Yahoo, Coulter expressed a predictably prick-like 'so what?' about Nancy Pelosi becoming the first woman speaker of the House. "I thought we had moved beyond such multicultural milestones." He wrote.

Multicultural? According to the US Department of State, multiculturalism is defined as "the creative interchange of numerous ethnic and racial subcultures."

Never really thought of women as belonging to a different 'racial subculture' before. Though I'd guess if they were like Mr Coulter, an ethnic Ding-a-Ling from the break-away Republic of Dementia, they most certainly would. (Link to this)

WITCH DOCTORS AGAINST BUSH
November 17, 2006

Voodoo Practitioner Jinxes Bush

During his jaunt through Indonesia, Our Dear Leader found himself at the business end of a voodoo curse. After slitting a goat's throat and stabbing a black crow, Ki Gendeng Pamungkas drank their blood and pronounced "the devil is with me today." He then added, reasonably, "I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush."

It's unclear as yet whether Bush has been reduced to an inhuman, zombie-like state of torpor yet or, more to the point, whether anyone would be able to tell the difference. (Link to this)

NEW GOVERNMENT, SAME OLD MEDIA WHORES
November 17, 2006

Murtha Rejection Spurs Glee, Boehner Confirmation? So What...?

Thanks to the GOP midterm drubbing, Washington is looking less like an ethics-free slip n' slide to fascism and more like a semi-functional democracy again. Unfortunately, this reality is not reflected by our pathetic MSM who persist in covering events within the Beltway with the depth and gravitas of a WWF ringside commentary.

The news media relishes the spectacle of John Murtha, Pelosi's protegé, getting rejected in favor of the less ethically-tainted Steny Hoyer. "Pelosi Loses First Big Fight" they trumpet (Could I get a Nelson-from-the-Simpsons 'ha-haa?').

But what about the Republicans confirming professional ethics violator John Boehner as minority leader? Nope. They'd rather sneer at Pelosi and dribble on about Murtha's 26-year old sting video than point fingers at the major-league criminals sitting across the aisle. One tainted candidate rejected, one shit-filthy candidate elected. Who really lost that match? (Link to this)

HANG ONTO YOUR HATS - IT'S PLAYSTATIONGATE!
November 17, 2006

Did Dem prez-to-be John Edwards, outspoken critic of Wal-Mart's Dickensian management practices, really try to cut in line to get a PS3? Is this the best dirt the cuntservatives can dig up on him?

According to a Wal-Mart press release:

"Yesterday, a staff person for former Sen. Edwards contacted a Wal-Mart electronics manager in Raleigh, North Carolina to obtain a Sony PlayStation3 on behalf of the Senator's family... while the rest of America's working families are
waiting patiently in line, Senator Edwards wants to cut to the front."

Damn that two-faced lowlife! Do we really want that kind of guy running for President in 2008? But wait... here's a riposte from Wake Up WalMart:

"Wal-Mart sent out a press release wrongly accusing former Senator John Edwards of instructing a staffer to try and buy a Sony Playstation 3 at Wal-Mart on his behalf... Wal-Mart is now even willing to make stuff up in order to try and salvage its declining public image."

So even this mini non-scandal is a cheap fake that falls apart quickly like everything else sold by the beast of Bentonville. But that hasn't stopped more than 1,000 news sites from running with it today.

Jeez, we can forgive a presidential candidate nepotism, cocaine abuse, drunk driving, draft dodging and corporate malfeasance... but fictionally cutting in line for a PlayStation? No way. (Link to this)

DEMOCRATS WIN, WORLD GOES GAY!
November 17, 2006

Pushing the Gay Penguin Agenda Again

In Shiloh, Illinois, parents are protesting an elementary school stocking a story book about gay penguins in its library called "And Tango Makes Three." Yikes! They're trying to turn us all gay with their insidious sodomite propaganda.

To be fair, if you are cuntservative-dumb enough to think of homosexuality as a conscious choice, there is a danger you could be pushed over the edge by drawings of male chinstrap penguins. All that hot bird-on-bird action must make it very hard not to decide to be gay... "Crawww... how 'bout it big boy? Once you go white-and-black, you never go back!" (Link to this)

BACK (NOT) IN BLACK
November 16, 2006

Trent Lott Welcomed Back to the Big Tent

STILL NOT THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX
November 16, 2006

Bush Calls for "Last Big Push" in Iraq

OOPS...
November 16, 2006

While cruising the internets for Richard Simmons news (hey, don't judge), I was amused by the Google result below:

FAIRY GODFATHER GETS FREE PASS
November 16, 2006

Bush Keeps Rove Around to Avoid Embarrassment

FAIR AND BALANCED
November 15, 2006

F(oxymoron) News Trawls For Anti-Dem Stories

CLASS ACTS
November 14, 2006

Why Did Don Sherwood Lose Pennsylvania? Ask Grover Norquist...

Don Sherwood lost his Pennsylvania seat in the midterms to Chris Carney despite the best efforts of Our Dear Leader trying to keep the violent, philandering lame duck afloat. "He is the right man to represent the people of the 10th congressional district from the state of Pennsylvania." Said Bush at a Sherwood-Pennsylvania Victory Committee Reception in October. And how like a veiled insult that must have sounded to most Pennsylvanians...

How come he lost then? Over to you, Grover Norquist: "Sherwood's seat would have been overwhelmingly ours, if his mistress hadn't whined about being throttled," said Norquist.

We should be gladder every day these lowlifes have been put in their place. (Link to this)

SLAPHEAD RISING
November 14, 2006

Rudy Giuliani Set For 2008 Presidential Run

Although America has not elected a slaphead to the White House since 1953 (the bald heyday of Eisenhower), Rudy Giuliani seems to think he's in with a shot in 2008.

Our Dear Leader has invoked the terror card at every conceivable opportunity since 2001 and got more mileage out of 9-11 than a Toyota Camry. Maybe now Giuliani will outdo Bush as the most cynical opportunist ever to turn this particular tragedy into political gold. Rudy Giuliani should be president because:

a) 9-11
b) err...
c) ...
d) ...err...

(Link to this)

MUSTACHIOED GANGBANGER OUT OF A JOB
November 13, 2006

John Bolton Unlikely to be Confirmed

Bush's UN ambassador and angry nutjob, John Bolton, always puts me in mind of one of those little Bavarian holiday ornaments. Although it's difficult to imagine the guy on the left pressuring his frau to take part in a gang bang at Plato's retreat, it is easy to imagine a small wooden ornament making a more effective diplomat than John Bolton.

Last year, during the Bush junta, it looked inevitable that he'd be sworn in as UN rep. But now it looks almost certain that he'll be dumped.

Neil Cavuto might whine "What they're doing to John Bolton isn't right, isn't fair and isn't even decent," but screw that. What Bush did to tarnish America's image still further by appointing a UN ambassador who hates the UN was not fair and far from decent. Bolton had it coming. Here are 10 reasons Bolton should not be confirmed courtesy of Democracy Arsenal:

• He hates the UN
• He doesn’t believe in paying U.S. dues to the UN
• He won’t enjoy the support of U.S. diplomats around the world
• He and the Secretary of State are not on the same page
• His statements on China are reckless
• The damage will not be confined to the UN
• Denying confirmation would signal the world that the foreign policy opposition is alive and kicking
• He will not change
• He is a proven opponent of arms control
• He will be ineffective in representing U.S. interests

Apart from all that, he'd be great. (Link to this)

FIRST VALMART, TOMMORROW ZEE WORLD!
November 13, 2006

Questionable (as in what the fuck?) merchandise on Sale at WalMart

How inclusive of WalMart to sell Nazi regalia. Some might query the world's largest retailer's decision to stock t-shirts emblazoned with the SS Totenkopf insignia, but they're probably the kind of tightasses who'd begrudge a poor Nazi skinhead who's spent all his money on meth getting a sweet deal on some hate garb. Really, people, have a heart. (Link to this) (Related: Accidental Nazi Pep Rally)

PASS THE GEORGE W BUSH© HEMORRHOID OINTMENT...
November 13, 2006

Derogatory Name Trade Marks Anger the Round-Eyes

Clinton and Lewinsky brand condoms: This picture probably looks hilarious if you read Mandarin.

A Chinese businessman has triggered outrage over his plan to register the name of China's most famous basketball player, Yao Ming, as a trademark for a women's sanitary napkin. "This kind of registration is obviously malicious... it's unbelievable that someone could do such a thing." Said a Yao Ming spokesman.

Puts one in mind of last year's story about the Guangzhou Haokian Bio-science company registering the names 'Clinton' and 'Lewinsky' for it's new line in condoms or the enterprising Chinese guy who applied to register the name 'Bush' for his adult diapers. (Link to this)

JOE LIEBERMAN: AN ARMY OF ONE
November 13, 2006

Asked on NBC's 'Meet the Press' if he would finally make an honest woman of himself and get hitched to the RNC, Lieberman stalled. "I'm not ruling it out but I hope I don't get to that point," he said.

As things shaped out in the midterms, Lieberman's risky decision to run as an independent was an extremely smart power move for a self-serving egomaniac. No-one expected a landslide either way in the Senate, but whoever scraped by was going to have to be nice to Joe Lieberman. For him, it ain't about representing the good people of Connecticut, it's all about Joe as usual. (Link to this)

RUMSFELD TO BE TRIED?
November 10, 2006

German Court Seeking War Crimes Prosecution

In 2004, Germany sought prosecution of Rumsfeld as a war criminal (you know you're big league when Germany goes after you for war crimes), but the case was dropped after the Germans announced "there was no indication that U.S. authorities and courts would not deal with allegations." Say whaat?

This time round, now Rumsfeld is no longer shielded by executive immunity and the justification for dropping the earlier case has been proven very wrong, there's nothing stopping him being put on trial.

The plaintiffs in the case are 11 Iraqis and one Saudi national who endured "forced nudity, sexual humiliation, religious humiliation, prolonged stress positions, sleep deprivation and other controversial interrogation techniques" while enjoying the hospitality of the US military at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo.

As a sidebar, Mohammad al-Qahtani, the Saudi plaintiff known (somewhat presumptously) as the '20th Hijacker,' may or may not have been guilty. But he is now 'unprosecutable' anyway according to the Defense Department's Criminal Investigation Task Force because he was tortured. Smooth work, neocon assholes. (Link to this)

BUSH PUNKS ROVE
November 10, 2006

File Under: Thanks a Bunch, Fuckhead

"Hey Karl... homos say what?"

Bush punked Karl Rove in front of reporters at a press conference recently saying "I was obviously working harder on this campaign than he was."

God forbid I should side with the Fairy Godfather, but only a deeply deluded narcissistic dumbass like Bush could blame him for losing the midterms. Who invaded Iraq? Who acted like a prick over Katrina? Who refused to fire Rumsfeld before the election and give his party a fighting chance? Hopefully, Bush will spend the next two years being slapped around by the Dems like the pathetic man brat he's shaped up to be. (Link to this)

BETTER DEAD THAN RED
November 10, 2006

Electors Choose Dead Democrat Over Live Republican

A Democrat who died in September won the race for County commissioner in Pierre, South Dakota. Marie Steichen, deceased, got 100 votes to beat incumbent Republican Merlin Feistner by 36 votes. The Jerauld County Auditor said that the voters were aware that Steichen was dead.

Could this be the ultimate example of the Democrat 'do nothing and win' strategy? Nope. That'd be incumbent John Ashcroft losing the Missouri governor's race to a dead guy in 2000. Damn, the dead Dems are good!

The DNC should consider digging up a stiff for the 2008 presidential race (was John Kerry a dry run?) and win hands down. Dead candidates: no embarrassing verbal gaffes, no sleaze and they could still beat any front-running Republican in a televised debate. (Link to this)

THE WINGNUT PATENT TRUTH BENDER
November 10, 2006

They're Talking Shit Again. Imagine That.

According to the wingnuterati, the Dems didn't win, the Republicans lost.

If that were true, I'd be the first to congratulate them on their magnificent loss. Trouble is, it ain't. The Democrats won with an unorthodox, though effective, sit-there-and-do-nothing strategy. Dems played played rock to the Republican scissors and beat them in fine style. Admit it, wingnuts: they played you and won.

On the subject of delusion, I just couldn't resist checking out Ann Coulter's reaction to the election results. Predictably, he's come out with gloves-up, lies flailing and in deep denial. His assertion, now parroted by every deluded wingnut on the Web, is that the midterms were "a paltry" victory for the Dems and that they merely reflected the 6-year itch. "Simply put, the party controlling the White House nearly always loses House seats in midterm elections — especially in the sixth year." Sputters Coulter disingenuously.

So, for the sake of historical context, let's go back to WWII (is a two-generation sample historical enough?) and trace the midterm pattern from there:

Sure the 'historical trend' bears out for Truman, Eisenhower and LBJ, but what about Coulter's 'greatest president ever?' The mighty Gipper saw a five-point pick up in his second term. This makes Bush and the current GOP look kinda loser-ish - perhaps that's why he doesn't mention it. And let's also not mention Clinton's five-point pick up in 1998. Coulter is bending the truth (imagine that) because his 'nearly always lose in the second term' rule hasn't held true for twenty or forty years - depending whether you count the first time the rule was busted or the last time it applied as your reference point.

Even as an anti-cuntservative, I'll admit the GOP did a 'heckuva job' in 1994 with a near-record 54-seat pick up. So why do cuntservatives feel the need to indulge in intellectual dishonesty and deliberate obfuscation in defense of their party of preference? The GOP suffered their greatest beat down since the Eisenhower administration this week. This was not a "paltry Democrat win" by any stretch of the imagination or truth. (Link to this)

DUMB ASS I
November 9, 2006

A 22-year old suffered a 'scorched colon' (Jeez) after failing to launch a bottle rocket from his ass. A paramedic was quoted as saying "Potentially it could have been a fatal incident... the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane's flammability - it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was." But not much funnier.

DUMB ASS II

A high school principle in North Carolina was obliged to apologize after a speech by Joseph Goebbels was broadcast over the school PA system during the warm-up for a soccer match. CNN helpfully adds that "Forestview won the playoff game, 1-0." Just in case you were wondering. (Link to this)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
November 9, 2006

"I thought we were going to do fine yesterday. Shows what I know."

"OK, Howard, let's try that again with a little more enthusiasm..."

It's still freaking me out... the Democrats won something! As I watched Howard Dean on TV last night, he was beaming from ear to ear and looked to all the world like he'd just done bong hits with Willie Nelson. The grimacing, angry Dean has gone the same way as the bullet-proof Dick Tator himself. And who'd begrudge Howie a toke after the Democrats have captured the House, Senate, Governor's race, Donald Rumsfeld's head and Bush's mojo all in one day?

This week has seen huge strides toward sanity:

• Limbaugh gives up on Bush
• Rumsfeld 'falls on his sword'
• John Bolton looks set for ejectionThe neocons disintegrate
• The Christian Taliban implodes...

Is this a dream? (Link to this)

JESUS CAMP CLOSES
November 9, 2006

Evangelical Brainwashing Put on Hold

The Evangelicals running the Bush Youth boot camp featured in the 'Jesus Camp' movie, have closed down. "I don't think we'll be doing it for a while" said Becky Fischer, the Pentecostal pastor in charge. The announcement follows accusations of brainwashing, vandalism attacks and the embarrassment of having Ted Haggard (the guy who really put the 'camp' in 'Jesus Camp?') feature prominently in the movie. At one point, Haggard boasts that evangelicals "essentially sway every election." Oh glorious irony. (See: AMERICAN TALIBAN) (Link to this)

LIMBAUGH DUMPS NO-BUDDIES BUSH
November 8, 2006

Even Limp Dick's Done With Durr Fuehrer

Rush Limbaugh's proctologist pronounces his colon finally clear of head-up-ass syndrome.

"I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don't think deserve having their water carried. Now I'm liberated from having to constantly come in here every day and try to buck up a bunch of people who don't deserve it, to try to carry the water and make excuses for people who don't deserve it." So said Limp Dick on his show today. Wonder if he'd be saying the same if they'd won?

Sure, Limbaugh would rather drum major at an Iranian gay pride parade than cheerlead for Pelosi, but it's gratifying to hear the satisfying squelch of yet another kick to the presidential scrotum nonetheless. (Link to this)

WHAT'S NEXT FOR SENATOR WOODENTOP?

November 8, 2006

Santorum Needs a Job. Cue New Nightmare...

A great time to get cheap Santorum merchandise at ricksantorum.com

"Senator Santorum is now available for a seat on the SCOTUS should one become available." Says some dickweed at Townhall.com. Jesus Christ on a bicycle! No!!!

"I begin my Santorum for SecDef campaign." Says another at NRO. Santorum for Secretary of Defense? Just the thought is enough to make you shoot yourself and your kids. (Link to this)

BYE BYE, NUTJOB, PART 2
November 8, 2006

Rumsfeld Resigning

Things are moving fast these days... According to the Washington Post, Bush has already announced he is "replacing Donald H. Rumsfeld as secretary of defense, saying a 'fresh perspective' is needed at the Pentagon to deal with the war in Iraq." Ain't that the truth.

Now for Rice, Cheney, Rove, Chertoff, Gonzales... (Link to this)

MOST PATHETIC WINGNUT SMEARJOB OF THE 2006 MIDTERMS...
November 8, 2006

2006 will probably be remembered as the biggest political smearfest ever. There were so many pathetic attempts to stymie the Democrats in the run-up to the midterms that it's difficult to pick a worst example. But Fried Wire's money is on World Net Daily's pitiable attempt to link the DNC with the Communist party.

So what if the CPUSA is currently comprised only of one loon in Vermont, a battalion of HSA agents and a photocopier? Let's dig up Hoover's panty-clad corpse anyway and see if we can get traction with some commie slurs... Sad, sad, sad. (Link to this)

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: BYE BYE NUTJOB
November 8, 2006

Democrats (and Lieberman) Call For Rumsfeld's Resignation

Kung fu your way outta this one, bitch...

With Democrats, many surviving Republicans and the US military all calling for him to be evicted from the corridors of power like a raccoon from a dumpster, how long can Bush's Uncle Rummy ride out the inevitable? Impeachment and jail would be on the cards in a sane world, but Rumsfeld's removal in any way possible would at least show willingness to sort out Bush's #1 disaster.

We've tried the old 'fuck what the foreigners think' policy for six years with predictably sad results. Perhaps with a House (and likely Senate) freed from its own self-defeating arrogance, America will now stop being the world's pariah/laughing stock and become a grown-up country again.

Sure, Republicans don't care if the rest of the world hates us, but that's because they're pricks. Most Americans with mental ages within double digits care deeply. The best gift we could give ourselves and the world right now is to dump Rumsfeld like an ebola-infected monkey turd and move on quickly. (Link to this)

END OF THE CUNTSERVATIVE REVOLUTION!!!
November 8, 2006

Dems Take House, Senate Dead Heat

It's a testament to the Machiavellian skills of the once unstoppable Karl Rove that even now, you'd half expect him to pull something out of the bag for his boy Bush.

But the House is safely Democrat by a stinging margin (the first time since the start of the 'Conservative Revolution' in 1994) and the Senate is a dead heat dependent on the outcome of recounts. It's the best news a Bush hater could hope for: the autocrat is out of power and, at last, we have some checks and balances reinstalled. Here are some other great highlights:

• Rick Santorum gets ass handed to him
• Kenneth 'Cheating Bastard' Blackwell out on his ear
• Lunatic scumbag Katherine Harris out

Sometimes you could be forgiven for thinking democracy actually works. (Link to this)

HUSKY CORPSE SPARKS CREMATORIUM GREASE FIRE
November 7, 2006

Fire officials said a 600-hundred pound man was being cremated when his body fluids proved too much for the oven. Fluids seeped out onto the floor and ignited causing a fire at the Garner Funeral Home in Salt Lake City.

According to ABC4.com, "The crematorium is back in business and the funeral director said they'll notify the family to assure them their loved one [wait for it...] wasn't harmed. (Link to this)

BUSH'S BUZZKILL
November 7, 2006

Iran Calls for Saddam to Be Hung Too... That'll Take the Edge Off

Did someone say 'hung?' (Link to this)

WELCOME TO DIEBOLDOCRACY
November 7, 2006

The FBI is looking into possible voter intimidation in Virginia's hard-fought U.S. Senate contest between Republican incumbent George Allen and Democrat Jim Webb.In San Ramon, California, a voter calls police to file a battery report against a poll worker. She had been asked to leave the polling station for wearing an "Impeach Bush" t-shirt.

Campaign workers for Democratic congressional candidate Nick Lampson - the guy who's fighting for Tom DeLay's old seat - complain that voters are being turned away in a strongly Democrat-leaning precinct of Fort Bend county because the 'machines aren't working.'

A Kentucky poll worker was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault and interfering with an election for allegedly choking a voter and pushing them out the door, an official said.

An Ohio woman calls The Washington Post in tears saying she could not keep her phone line open to hospice workers caring for her terminally ill mother because of nonstop political robo-calls.

Hour after hour and day after day for two weeks, Lorenz's home has received the same NRCC recorded message attacking Charlie Brown, the Democrat who is challenging Rep. John T. Doolittle (R) in a hard-fought battle in northeastern California. "It is a recorder calling," Lorenz said. "I can't call it back to get them to stop."

Cuntservative radio host Laura Ingraham asks her listeners to call the Democrat's Voter protection hotline — they are subsequently flooded with calls from crank callers.

According to media reports from Nashville, senior citizens have received mysterious calls telling them if they voted for Harold Ford Jr. in the August primary, they don't need to vote for him again now. (Link to this)

GRAND OLD PEDERASTS REACH OUT FROM BEYOND THE CLOSET
November 7, 2006

Gay Republicans Max Out the Self-hating Hypocrisy

Idaho Senator Larry Craig carresses the shaft of his long, antique weapon... easy, cowboy.

It's scary voting day at last. Will Diebold finally let the Democrats win? Or will we end up with the phoniest electoral scam ever committed on American soil and see the GOP saved by dead voters, Democrat disenfranchisement and computer 'glitches?' It's sickening to contemplate. So I won't.

For a different kind of sickening, how 'bout that brouhaha in Idaho? (It's true: they're having their first ever brouhaha!) Seems that Senator Larry Craig thinks the best way to cling on to power in the heartland is to court the 'value voters' by endorsing Idaho's proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages and civil unions. But how impressed would the faithfull 'value voters' be to know that Craig has already been outed by the same gay blogger of justice who brought us Mark Foley's Pervgate?

"In October, Rogers reported that three separate and corroborating male sources described having sex with Craig -- two in the Pacific Northwest and one who said he and Craig met in two different bathrooms of Washington, D.C.'s Union Station train depot."

Foley-outer Mike Rogers goes on to conclude "It shouldn't fall to an out-of-state gay activist blogger [himself] to call on Larry Craig to tell the truth to his state's social conservative voters... it's time for leaders like Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman and Rep. Mark Foley to be honest with the citizens about who they are."

Ken Mehlman too? Apparently, the RNC honcho has had the gaydars a twitchin' for a few years already. (Link to this)

UTAH'S PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1
November 6, 2006

Hats Off to the Mohicans at Salt Lake PD for Tracking This Guy Down...

Tip for would-be Public Enemy No. 1s: Avoid tattooing the word 'fun' just below your mouth before heading for prison. (Link to this)

DR. DINO ARRESTED
November 6, 2006

'Cavemen and Dinosaurs lived Together' Lunatic Headed for Prison

Kent 'Dr. Dino' Hovind: "Man and dinosaur lived together peacefully around 2000 BC" (see photo evidence above) according to Objective Ministries.

Another evangelical nutjob is headed for prison. How many more are there left to round up? Kent Hovind, the 'theobiologist' pinhead behind the anti-evolution theme park Dinosaur Adventure Land "Where Dinosaurs and the Bible Meet," was arrested Thursday on 58 federal charges, including evading $473,818 in taxes and making threats against investigators.

Hovind, who calls himself 'Dr. Dino,' has been fighting the IRS for at least 17 years. He claims he is employed by God, receives no income, has no expenses and owns no property and so, therefore, taxes are against his religious beliefs. In April, a court ordered the buildings at the now defunct Dinosaur Adventure Land closed because Hovind failed to obtain building permits during construction. Members of Hovind's Creation Science Evangelism said that building permits also violated their 'deeply held' religious beliefs.

If I were a kinder soul, I'd resist the temptation to laugh my ass off at the expense of Hovind and all the other evangelical hypocrites whose chickens are now coming home to roost. But, unfortunately, it would go against my deeply held religious beliefs. (Link to this)

THE NATION FORMERLY KNOWN AS AMERICA...
November 5, 2006

...Now The Republic of What The Fuck???

How much weirder can this place get? Now Bushco™ are promoting abstinence-only programs for 29-year olds, banning medical care for babies of illegal immigrants and introducing an exit visa requirement for all US citizens and residents wanting to leave the country (can anyone say draft?). This is literally insane.

And how about this for a cherry on top of the insanity pie? His Satanic Majesty Falwell was asked on CNN Friday if the news about Mark Foley would encourage his fuckwitted flock to stay home on election day. Falwell's response:

"That's not going to discourage any evangelicals I know from voting. We lived through Bill Clinton, and this situation with Foley is minuscule in comparison. So, I really think it's making a mountain out of a molehill."

This is not exaggeration, this is not stated for dramatic effect: This country is now officially one 700-mile border fence away from clinical insanity. So who do I have to bribe to get one of those exit visas anyway? (Link to this)

BAD NEWS FOR THE SADDAM-ALIKE INDUSTRY
November 5, 2006

Former Iraqi Tyrant Sentenced to Death

Already somewhat limited in their career options after the capture of Saddam, his unfortunate look-alikes must now be among the few people on the planet to be upset that the former tyrant has been sentenced to a good old-fashioned rope party. For folks like Stephen Moss, English Saddam-alike, and Malibu's least wanted, Mel Gibson, it looks like career diversification time. (Link to this)

NEOCON PROLAPSE: THE END OF AN ERROR
November 4, 2006

PNAC Warmongers Regret Iraqi Invasion, Despair of Bush Administration

When Perle, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld and that smug asshole off Fox began their foray into world domination in 2001, it was hard to tell if their reckless disregard for conventional political wisdom indicated evil genius or evil stupidity at work. Perhaps it was comforting to hope the ideologues pulling Bushco's strings were relying on something more substantial than guesswork and egomania. But now, thanks to hindsight and