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BAD TO THE VERY LAST DROP
December 30, 2006

Standing Room Only at Saddam's Old-Fashioned Necktie Party

There wasn't a damp eye in the house when Don Rumsfeld's old play date found himself stage center on the gallows in Baghdad. Even those of us who believe the death penalty to be a repulsive relic of less civilized times (like Donald Trump or the Fox Reality channel) were prepared to let this one slide.

In a mind left partially vacant by my absence of sympathy for Saddam, I couldn't help wondering instead whether that nifty 'execution equipment' had been imported by Halliburton especially for the occasion. Was it stickered "American-made" with a stratospheric mark-up billed to the stateside taxpayer? Or had it been lovingly handcrafted on-site by unemployed Shiites overseen by an obscenely compensated Brown and Root project manager? Either way, you can be sure Bush's late Christmas gift to himself will have cost us dearly in a far broader sense. Saddam has been lynched and everything will be alright now. Of course it will, dear wingnuts.

As an afterthought, what's the difference anyway between today's televised hanging and those 'made for TV' decapitations terrorists post on their Web sites? Those taped executions, whether featuring innocent kidnap victims or platinum-standard bastards like Saddam, all send the same brutish message and are products of the same brutish mentalities. If Bushco™ had really wanted justice, they would have sentenced the egomaniacal psycho to live out his days flipping burgers at Wendy's or cleaning bathrooms at a Greyhound bus station. Wouldn't that have been better than borrowing this play from the 'terrist' handbook? (Link to this)

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE WHOLE DEAD THING, DUDE, BUT YOU STILL SUCK.
December 29, 2006

"As we are a nation under God, so I am sworn to uphold our laws with the help of God. And I have sought such guidance and searched my own conscience with special diligence to determine the right thing for me to do with respect to my predecessor in this place, Richard Nixon, and his loyal wife and family. Theirs is an American tragedy in which we all have played a part. It could go on and on and on, or someone must write the end to it. I have concluded that only I can do that, and if I can, I must."
Gerald Ford pardons Nixon, September 8, 1974.

The man who broke the system now remembered as a hero by those who like it that way.

Like Reagan, death has bestowed upon Gerald Ford the richly undeserved status of hero. Cuntservative revisionists everywhere are mourning him self consciously and flying their flags of convenience at half-mast. Why? What were Ford's great achievements?

Gerald Ford stepped into power by default, presided over the loss of 49 Republican seats in the 1974 midterms and lost the 1976 presidential race to Jimmy Carter - the guy the same kooks who praise Ford call 'worst president ever.' But these pissant accolades are nothing compared to his pardoning of Nixon.

The newly sworn-in Ford made it a priority to pardon his ex-boss for what was, at that time, the most spectacularly crooked catalog of presidential transgressions ever brought to light. By forgiving Nixon (remember: a pardon is forgiveness for guilt assumed and, by definition, admitted), Ford fucked the institution of American democracy forever. Thanks to him, government sloughed off every pretence of idealism, shed the transcendent ideals of the founding fathers like so much snake skin and slithered into the shameless, degraded form we know today.

Ford ushered in an unashamedly crook-friendly climate in Washington and drastically lowered the bar for those future Presidents who regarded morality as a tiresome obstacle to personal achievement. His legacy encompasses Nixon's jail dodging, Iran Contra, Clinton's forgiven perjury through to the one-man lying machine that is George W Bush. Getting caught cheating is no longer a speed bump on the road to success - all thanks to Gerald Ford, the patron saint of the political crook.

Those who mourn him can call me cold-hearted (fuck 'em), but I'm still mourning the death of accountability and honesty in government. And that doesn't leave much space in the psyche to feel warmth for the guy who smothered it while it slept. (Link to this)

BELATED YULETIDE IRONY
December 27, 2006

Dare Not to Dream the American Dream...

Aah Christmas! Time to sing 'L'Internationale' and feast on fatted beets...

What the American dream means to you all depends on what side of the bed you happen to be sleeping on. For those on the piss-stained WalMart futon side, it embodies the triumph of the little guy hauling himself up into prosperity through sheer hard work and a gritty determination to succeed. But for those on the super-king posturepedic side, this status quo-threatening scenario smacks of subversion.

In reality, America is a gated community for the born-rich and those fortunate plebs allowed egress from obscurity on occasion to aerate the gene pool. If you're born poor in America, you're pretty much guaranteed to stay poor in spite of the mythology - just as those born rich can safely bet on staying that way. The famous American meritocracy is now only fodder for the delusional or wildly optimistic as the little guy sees his dreams starved or devoured in the corporate killing fields of the 'free' market. When was the last time you got a Mom and Pop coffee or bought a screwdriver in a retail establishment under 100,000 sq ft.? Get over it. America was founded by rich guys as a tax haven and no-one with their eyes open has ever believed differently.

Even during the Cold War, when the ideologies of the "free" market vied for supremacy with the state-capitalist economies of communism, no-one took that shit seriously. America, as much as the USSR, was about wresting wealth creation away from the 'little guy' and turning small-time entrepreneurs into wage slaves. Take, for example, that heart-warming Jimmy Stewart chestnut that's dusted off for the holidays on an annual basis: Even "It's a Wonderful Life" was branded suspect by Hoover's commie hunters and conservatives of all stripes.

Why? Because the FBI believed the movie smeared American values such as wealth and free enterprise while glorifying anti-American values such as the triumph of the common man. For some reason, 'wealth creation' and 'the common man' are not permitted to sit comfortably together in the crappy reality that goes on while we dream the American Dream.

Why did conservatives hate the commies so much? Was it their differences? Or was it their uncomfortably similar self-serving agendas that bred contempt? (Link to this)

BUSH STILL LYING, ANYONE STILL BUYING?
December 20, 2006

First We're Winning... Then We're Not Winning, But We're Not Losing...

Shortly before the war on terror (the one in November that the Democrats won), Our Dear Leader was asked if we were winning in Iraq. "Absolutely, we're winning." he replied with a straight face. Now, as he supposedly searches for a new strategy for Iraq, Bush has adopted a formula advanced by his top military adviser to describe the situation. "We're not winning, we're not losing," he said in an interview with The Washington Post.

To call Bush a liar would seem faintly ridiculous now. It's only in the nature of a compulsive fantasist living in denial that he does what he does. But how many more troops are to be put in danger for the sake of one deluded ego unwilling to own up to screwing up? Among the options under review by the White House (with the slippery backing of John "Bush III" McCain) is sending 15,000 to 30,000 more troops to Iraq. There must be a warm place in hell waiting for Our Dear Leader and his dwindling entourage of yes men. (Link to this)

UNDER-SEXED EVOLUTIONARY ANOMALIES GONE WILD
December 18, 2006

"Oh yeah.. you like that, don't you bitch?" "Err... not particularly."

Chinese panda husbandry experts (panda pimps?) have now refined a surefire technique to get the notoriously under-sexed and useless critters to breed.

The technique involves putting "a fertile and attractive female into a breeding pen, where she leaves scratch marks and droppings capable of exciting a male. But at the last moment the females are swapped. The zookeepers introduce a new, less popular, mate who has been scented with the urine of the more attractive animals. She is introduced into the mating pen rear end first, so the male cannot see the face of his partner until they have finished copulating."

I'm pretty sure I had this trick played on me at a bar in vegas once so I know how they feel. "When the males find out, they get very angry and start fighting the female," Mr Zhang says. "We have had to use firecrackers and a water hose to separate them." Been there, done that... (Link to this)

JEEZUZLAND WEEPS
December 18, 2006

Today's Disgraced Clergy Round-up

"Behold, I will rebuke your offspring, and spread dung on your faces, the dung of your offerings, and you shall be taken away with it." - God (Malachi 2:3)

Brought to you by Self-hating, Hypocritical Ministries™ - the makers of Ted Haggard.

Michael Davis, Deacon at the Cleveland Church of Christ, was indicted on 15 counts of gross sexual imposition involving an 11-year-old boy. "It's hard to believe from talking to him. It doesn't seem like something he would do, but I mean, you don't really ever know I guess," said a neighbor.

A fellow minister at The Full Word Ministries in North Charleston was also similarly perplexed when Tyrone Moore was arrested for second-degree sexual misconduct. "He’s a loving man, he’s a kind pastor," she said. "He’s not an ugly bad man. He’s not like that."

A month ago, the Rev. Paul Barnes of Grace Chapel in Douglas County preached to his 2,100-member congregation about integrity and grace in the aftermath of the Ted Haggard drugs-and-gay-sex scandal. Now he's come out and admitted to "have struggled with homosexuality since I was a 5-year-old boy." At least this one wasn't struggling with a 5-year-old boy. (Link to this)

AMERICA HITS THE SKIDS
December 18, 2006

Treasury Sneaks Out Bad News to "Little Fanfare"

According to Dr. Chris Martenson at the Financial Sense University (whatever the hell that is), the United States is now officially insolvent:

"There is simply no way for our national bills to be paid under current levels of taxation and promised benefits. Our federal deficits alone now total more than 400% of GDP. That is the conclusion of a recent Treasury/OMB report entitled Financial Report of the United States Government that was quietly slipped out on a Friday (12/15/06), deep in the holiday season, with little fanfare...I’ve yet to read a single account of this report in any of the major news media outlets but that is another matter."

Merry Christmas! (Link to this)

IRWIN HELFORD JUST ROCKED MY WORLD
December 15, 2006

For those of you not hip to the Eric Clapton of office supplies, Irwin Helford is the chairman of paper clip behemoth Viking Direct and has graced their catalog covers for eons with his beatific smile and extensive repertoire of pointing-at-stuff poses.

Mr Helford is something of a cult figure amongst office drones the world over (just try doing a Google picture search for Irwin Helford and see what I mean) and probably one of the most recognizable faces in the world.

Sometime ago I'd stumbled upon his fan club site in a beery, cynical haze and posted it in the Fried Wire Web Compost section. Being the kind of miserable bastard that likes to poke fun at other people, I mocked their sloppy spelling and their worthy mission to celebrate all things Irwin.

So imagine my surprise when I got the following email from Joe Wakeford, manager of the Irwin Helford fan club, himself:

"Dear Sir/Madam,

We notice you have a link to our Irwin Helford Fan Club site at the
following link: www.friedwire.org/friedlinks.html

I'm pleased to note you like the site!! We've taken your 'unflatteringly
sloppy meta tag' info and have altered the spelling!! I hope you may be able to alter your website description accordingly."

Thank you, Mr Wakeford. I consider myself and my smart mouth duly humbled by your disarming politeness and I'm glad to have been of help. Of course, I'll gladly alter the link description just as soon as I can track down that pesky HTML file on my horribly disorganized hard drive. (Link to this)

GUNS FOR THE BLIND
December 15, 2006

Texan Lobby Defending Gun Rights for the Visually Impaired

"This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that's great." Gushed Republican representative Edmund Kuempel, sponsor of a bill filed for the 2007 legislative session that would permit legally blind hunters to use laser sights, or lighted pointing instruments, to hunt.

The phrase 'dumb as hell' would seem woefully inadequate in this context. God forbid a Republican would support any bill designed to make life less difficult for disabled people in any other aspect of life. But the right to blast the shit out of live animals? Seems about the only thing that can turn a Republican into an equal rights activist. Remember Cheney's awkward moment earlier this year? And that fucker can see... (Link to this)

PEOPLE FAT: AMERICA'S BIODIESEL MOTHER LODE?
December 12, 2006

"Breakthroughs in new technologies will help us reach a great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past."
George W Bush, State of the Union speech Jan 31, 2006

A Norwegian company is currently negotiating with a Florida hospital to buy 3,000 gallons of human fat every week from liposuction operations. Biodiesel is a big deal in Norway - and 3,000 gallons of top-grade American fat is enough to produce 2,600 gallons of it. At last, we have a use for the hefty and a uniquely American way to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Screw you Saudis! (Link to this)

OH MY GOD, HE'S BACK...
December 12, 2006

News From the Shameless Fringes of the Extreme Wrong

Former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay has launched an Internet-based grassroots organization aimed at "raising money and uniting Republican activists to take back and hold the GOP majority in Congress," according to a press release today. The new organization, called GAIN (Grassroots, Action, and Information Network) has as its aim "advancing the conservative first principles of order, justice and freedom."

Just when you thought the 'Belle Epoque' of Republican hypocrisy, lies and thievery was over, along comes DeLay tiptoeing in from the political wilderness. Seems he learned much from the roaches about tenacity during those formative years he spent as a pest exterminator. (Link to this)

WRESTLING: GAY RAPE OR SPORT? A JURY DECIDES
December 12, 2006

High School Wrestler Uses 'Legitimate Wrestling Move' Defense in Rape Trial

Seventeen-year-old Jerome Hunt faces 21 counts of rape and attempted rape. Each count carries up to 25 years in prison. But Hunt's lawyer claims the complaints came from fellow Parker High School wrestlers who were simply victims of a legitimate wrestling move.

Hunt said the accusations probably arose from a wrestling move called a 'butt drag' or 'skinning,' which involves the wrestler placing pressure on the area of their opponent's rectum. The school's former assistant coach told investigators, "It's not something illegal or not taught. It's being taught all over."

As far as I know, the NBA and NFL do not condone rectal penetration as a tactic. That would seem a handy a yardstick to differentiate sport from gay rape in case of confusion over the issue. Does your opponent have his finger up your ass? If no, it's a sport. If yes, it's just preparation for a future life of secretive bro lust and booze-fueled, self-hating rage. (Link to this)

McKINNEY'S PARTING SHOT
December 10, 2006

Outgoing Georgia Representative Introduces Impeachment Bill

Cynthia McKinney, the black Democrat who made headlines last year after assaulting a Capitol police officer, has introduced a bill to impeach Bush. Against the wishes of Nancy Pelosi who has made it clear she will not support impeachment efforts, McKinney cites Bush for failing to defend the Constitution and the law.

McKinney is leaving office after losing in the midterms. Her impeachment bill is an empty gesture doomed to be smothered quietly by her own party leadership. So why is this interesting? Because nothing scratches the wingnuts' surface to reveal their inner bigot more than the idea of a black woman opposing them. Here's a snap of the Yahoo discussion thread about McKinney:

Seems odd that Yahoo are more than happy to collaborate with Beijing to put Chinese bloggers in prison, yet they seem strangely reticent to block comments on their own discussion board containing words like 'pickaninny', 'nigger' or 'koon' in the subject line. Odd too that Bush supporters such as 'Muhammed_fuks_pigs' and 'nigroids_r_stoopid' benefit so much from the same 1st Amendment rights their president has been so keen to "tweak with" ever since they help vote him into office. (Link to this)

MURDERING BASTARDS
December 9, 2006

As the murderer on the left made his weekly radio address urging Washington to "come together and find greater consensus on the best way forward" this week, 17 Iraqis (including six women and five children) were bombed to fuck by the US in a Sunni village near Baghdad as part of an effort to kill supporters of the murderer pictured right.

Question: In the midst of all the face-saving bickering and procrastination over Bush's genocide via dumbassery in Iraq, does anyone, anywhere, in the US actually give a thought for the suffering of these people? Unless Iraqis happen to be smiling and holding up purple fingers in AP photos to validate our pretense of 'democratizing' them, does anyone here give a shit otherwise whether they are living or dying?

Sorry to offend the wingnuts, but the idea of Iraqi children being annihilated by bombs paid for with our tax dollars and enabled by our misguided votes sparks a moment or two of reflection for me. Kids? Dying? Bombs? Our fault? Still nothing..? Oh well. (Link to this)

ALLUHU AKBAR Y'ALL
December 8, 2006

Texans Fight Plan to Build Mosque

Houston area residents are mad as hell about plans by the 500-member Katy Islamic Association to build a new mosque. Neighbors have set up an anti-Islamic Web site with a counter that keeps track of terrorist attacks since 9-11 and have threatened to race pigs on the edge of the property every Friday to insult the Muslim holy day.

One resident, an ironically named Cynthia Blackman, wrote the County Commissioner that the center was a security risk: "Would you and your family safely and comfortably live next to this 11-acre Muslim mosque and facilities?" Nice to see that American reputation for tolerance and diversity so well represented. I'd still advocate an even-handed nondiscriminatory approach: Mosques or obnoxious Jeezuzland megachurches? Fuck 'em both. (Link to this)

SHOCK OF THE DAY
December 6, 2006

There is significant interest in the who 'impregnated Mary Cheney' whodunit. That may be mysterious enough. But even more of a conundrum is her job: AOL (aka the spectacularly dysfunctional ISP that chews up and shits out the expectations of customers like it just plain hates people) has her as its "President for Consumer Advocacy." AOL consumer advocacy????????? (Link to this)

BOLT-ON DAMNED BY FAINT PRAISE
December 5, 2006

Kofi Annan, departing UN Secretary General and (quite literally) neocon bête noire, was asked by reporters his opinion on kinkmeister John Strap-on Bolton. Displaying his fine diplomatic chops, Annan responded "I think Mr. Bolton did the job he was expected to do." Who could fail to agree with that summation? (Link to this)

PRE-PRESIDENTIAL MACHINATIONS
December 5, 2006

"Rage gently and pace yourselves, dear wingnuts, for the next two years portend much to make you madder..."

Good news for Clinton fans: She's running in 2008. Bad news for Clinton fans: She just hired Phil Singer, a John Kerry 2004 veteran, for her campaign team. So who's for hiring that guy who used to be Captain of the Titanic?

Personally, Clinton's no great shakes for me (just trade Halliburton for WalMart and you have one more corporate mega-stooge masquerading as a populist), but I'd love to see her thrash McCain's wrinkly ass if only to hear the despairing wails of cuntservatives all over the country. Oh yes, these smug parasites deserve President Clinton like they deserve blunt trauma to their fake-patriotic, fake-Christian, misanthropic balls.

And, speaking of cuntservatives, those with deep pockets and a pathological hatred for Mrs Bubba are already mobilizing their propaganda lynch mobs. A Dallas businessman has just put up $80,000 to help 'Stop Her Now', an anti-Clinton propaganda machine whose Web site launched recently. At stophernow.com (doesn't 'her' being the operative word really show what they hate most about Clinton?), there are lame jokes, semi-facts and more dumb leftist innuendo than you could shake a shitty stick at. "Rescuing America from the radical ideas of Hillary Clinton" they say. Hell, retards, if Clinton ever had a radical idea, she'd go up ten points in most people's estimation.

But if the thought of a female POTUS is enough to cause irritable bowel syndrome throughout the wingnut belt, how about a black one? And, even better, a black prez who's busily wooing George Soros's bulging wallet?

Two years ago talk of a black president was about as likely as Michael Richards doing next season's Def Comedy Jam, but with Barack Obama's charisma and George Soros's infinite pockets, as much now seems possible. So rage gently and pace yourselves, dear wingnuts, for the next two years portend much to make you madder. (Link to this)

BOLT ON, BOLT OFF
December 4, 2006

After being sneaked through as a temp during Congressional recess, John Bolton's confirmation as UN Ambassador has been stuck with the Senate Foreign Relations Committee for more than a year. Now it's finally official: he's out of a job. Perhaps now we could have a UN Ambassador who doesn't hate the UN, attend sex clubs and look like a Bavarian Christmas ornament. (Link to this) (Related: Mustachioed Gangbanger Out of a Job)

THE ANTI-CLINTON TAKES ON BONG HITS 4 JESUS
December 1, 2006

Kenneth Starr, the former special counsel who worked so hard to unseat Bill Clinton over Whitewater and his extracurricular fellatio with Monica Lewinsky, now has a new and weirder mission.

Starr is currently petitioning the US Supreme Court to take up Alaska's 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' case - a dispute involving a former school student who was suspended after unfurling his now infamous banner during an Olympic torch run through Juneau in 2002.

Courts ruled against the school this year finding that they had violated the student's First Amendment rights. Now Starr has decided to argue the case pro bono on behalf of the school and is appealing to the Supreme Court. Why should Starr care enough to waste his expensive time pursuing such a trivial case? God alone knows. (Link to this)

MIGHTY DWARFIN' POWER RANGER
December 1 , 2006

"During the robbery, a ... boy snuck into his bedroom, dressed himself in a Power Ranger costume and armed himself with a plastic sword. The child then exited his room and approached the armed suspect, in an attempt to protect his family."

As robbers menaced his sister, Stevie Long morphed into a Power Ranger and laid into the hoodlums shouting "Get away from my family!" The burglars fled as 4-year old Stevie swiped at them with his plastic sword yelling hearty "yah, yahs."

A counselor said he needs to improve his distinction between fantasy and reality. Why? So he can run away and cry like a pussy next time? Go go Mighty-Dwarfin' Power Ranger! (Link to this)

LET THEM EAT HERB ROASTED LOLLIPOP LAMB CHOPS...
December 1 , 2006

White House Banquet Lists Only 22 Desserts. War is Hell.

As Iraq's civil war rages, the Taliban bounces back murderously in Afghanistan and our clueless, spineless pols continue to stall for time, what better time for Our Dear Leader to put on a holiday banquet worthy of a Romanov Tsar? Here's the menu (from Salon.com) that's been distributed to the mandarins and Bushniks this year by Laura Bush:

• Display of Specialty Cheeses and Winter Fruits (Served with a Bountiful Display of Lavish Specialty Crackers and Spiced Pecans).

• Colossal Shrimp Cocktail and Jonah Crab Claws (Served with Ramsey’s Cocktail Sauce and Spiced Remoulade).
• Stuffed Turkey Breasts with Winter Mushrooms, Cheese and Brandied Cranberries.
• Sugar Cured Virginia Ham with Hot Pepper Mustard (Served with Warm Blue Corn Muffins).
• Chicken Fried Beef Tenderloin with White Onion Gravy (Served with Tiny Icebox Rolls).
• Herb Roasted Lollipop Lamb Chops served with Warm Yeast Rolls.
• Honey Cup Mustard Sauce.
• Fresh Tamales with Tomatillo Sauce and Black Beans.
• Baked White Cheddar Farfalle.
• Sweet Potato Souffle.
• Asparagus Tier with Lemon-Garlic Aioli.
• Golden and Crimson Beet Salad with Orange, Fennel, and Feta.
• Chocolate Peppermint Cookies with Peppermint Crunch.
• Pecan Sandie Tree (Mexican Wedding Cookies, Russian Tea Cakes) with Layers of Cookies.
• Holiday Ornamental Cookies: Barney, Miss Beazley, Christmas Trees, Snowflakes, Candy Canes.
• Red Hat Box Mascarpone Cake.
• White Pound Cake with Mascarpone Cream Filling, Red Marzipan Frosting and Red Ribbon Bow Decoration.
• Coconut Cake.
• Coconut Chiffon Cake, Coconut Pastry Cream Filling and 7 Minute Meringue Frosting.
• Chocolate Roulade (Christmas Log): Soft Ganache Frosting with a Chocolate Sponge, Meringue Mushrooms, Magnolia Leaves in White Chocolate, Raspberries.
• Mini Tartlettes.
• Pecan Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie, Orange Chiffon and Chocolate Boston Cream Pie.
• Chocolate Truffles.
• Homemade, Bittersweet Chocolate Ganache.
• Long Stem Strawberries with Dark Chocolate Dipping Sauce.
• Warm Macintosh Apple Cobbler With Oatmeal Crumble.
• Pumpkin Trifle.
• Spiced Pumpkin Mousse with Whipped Cream and Shaved Dark Chocolate.

I'm sure those troops dodging bullets out in Iraq while they scarf down their MREs would not begrudge them this small indulgence. (Link to this)

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