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NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A UNION
January 29, 2007

Rumanian Doctors' Union defends surgeon who amputated penis during hissy fit

Doctors' unions in Romania have criticised a decision to make a surgeon pay $200,000 in damages after he lost his temper and hacked off a patient's penis during surgery. Surgeon Naum Ciomu, who had been suffering from stress at the time, had been operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital. (Link to this)

HOW DO YOU SPELL STUPID? I SPELL IT F-L-O-R-I-D-A
January 29, 2007

Floridian ex-felons banned from voting but allowed concealed weapons permits

Florida is widely regarded as America's stupidest state. It's home to more child abusers, psycho killers and Bush family governors than almost anywhere else. In this conservative model state, you're shit out of luck if you're an ex-felon who wants to vote. But if you want a permit to carry a concealed weapon - even after already serving time for shooting people - have at it. (Link to this)

DEAD EYE DICK RIDES AGAIN
January 25, 2007

I can't even write about Dick Cheney's recent contretemps with Wolf Blitzer. Cheney makes me so irate I just want to type the phrase 'evil cunt' over and over again like Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.' How can Satan stand the wait? How come demons don't rise up from the darkest, deepest corners of Hell and drag his evil ass down there already? Because, I'll tell you again, Satan, like any 'free market capitalist' abhors genuine competition.

Instead, I prefer this story that makes way more sense. "A 23-year-old man was charged with public disorderly conduct after a deputy observed him "in a physical confrontation with shrubs." Responding to a complaint that a man tried to get into a stranger's car, a deputy called over to the suspect, who was punching vegetation. The man then ran across the bank parking lot to kick one last bush before talking to police, reports said."

There. Doesn't that seem eminently sensible in comparison to Dead Eye Dick trying to persuade the masses that all's well in Bushraq? (Link to this)

STATE OF THE UNION: THIS
January 24, 2007

"US President George W Bush has delivered his seventh State of the Union address, urging America to give his new Iraq strategy "a chance to work" and focusing on domestic issues."

Question: if a president gets four uninterrupted years of virtual dictatorship in which to do whatever the hell he wants in Iraq, isn't it slightly gauche to then appeal for bipartisanship and one more chance to make his crappy efforts work? So sad to see a dejected former autocrat reduced to begging for the indulgence of those he previously treated like powerless irritations.

This is bullshit. This is simply an effort to extend the war until he's out of office in the vainglorious hope that history will then frown on the next president who has to clean up Bush's bloody mess. Bush is going for broke for the sake of his own ego because he wants his replacement to get the blame for losing in Iraq. But guess what, cuntservative fuckwits, it's lost already.

So be proud of your 'Support Our Troops' magnets and chastise the 'liberals' for hating your war when you are the mindless, heartless, soulless bastards who are asking thousands more Americans to make the ultimate sacrifice - not for the country, the constitution or for our security - but just as a desperate attempt to salvage some credibility for your spectacularly shitty president. (Link to this)

ANYONE STILL INTERESTED IN A LITTLE TREASON?
January 23, 2007

"I will not be sacrificed so Karl Rove can be protected." Scooter Libby

Lincoln Chafee and Karl Rove: Dumb and Schtummer

As Scooter Libby's forgotten Plamegate trial snores inexorably toward inconclusiveness, attorneys for the former White House aide said that Bush administration officials tried to blame him for the leak of a CIA operative's name to cover up for presidential adviser Karl Rove's own disclosures. The jury is set to spend more than a month listening to conflicting statements from members of the Bush administration and journalists, trying to sort out the truth. Shame nobody seems to give a rat's ass the whole thing anymore. (Link to this)

TODAY IN BULLSHIT
January 23, 2007

Three New Hits from the Bushco™ Propaganda Machine

The Terrists are coming (just in time for the State of the Union)? In at number three is the unsettling disclosure by ABC that the 'terrists' are planning another attack on America. Says ABC: "Mimicking the hijackers who executed the Sept. 11 attacks, insurgents reportedly tied to al Qaeda in Iraq considered using student visas to slip terrorists into the United States to orchestrate a new attack on American soil."

Reality check on register one please... This 'plot' was discovered six months ago but expediently resuscitated just in time for tomorrow's State of The Union address. There wasn't even anything you could call a plot anyway as it was supposedly busted before any plans had been made. Is the propaganda-buying public so dumb as to buy this lame remix? Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Iran provoking war by kicking out nuclear inspectors? Ready for another eerily familiar wad of Bushco™ black ops masquerading as news? From the AP: "Iran said Monday it has barred 38 members of a U.N. nuclear inspection team from entering the country, in what appeared to be retaliation for sanctions imposed last month over its contentious atomic program." So Ahmadinejad is kicking out the IAEA just like Saddam did immediately prior to Bush's grudge invasion in 2003? Sounds like another great reason to invade. Or at least it might be if it was... err... true.

As revealed by Raw Story, the IAEA itself (they'd probably know, right?) is dismissing the story as bogus. "We are discussing with Iran its request for withdrawing the designation of certain safeguards inspectors," said IAEA spokeswoman Melissa Fleming. "It should be noted however, that there are a sufficient number of inspectors designated for Iran and the IAEA is able to perform its inspection activities in accordance with Iran's Comprehensive Safeguards Agreement." Hey, we might have all bought this one in 2003, but, Jeez, get some new material George...

In at number one: Obama raised as a terrorist? Time for just one more big fat stinking lie? Bushco™ subsidiary, the Washington Times, wants to let you know that dangerously black Barack Obama was educated at a radical Muslim school. Thanks, Mr Moon, for saving us from accidentally electing our first black al Qaeda president!

Only thing is, "Obama Goes To A Madrassa" has been certified 100% pure bullshit by CNN. "Allegations that Sen. Barack Obama was educated in a radical Muslim school known as a "madrassa" are not accurate." CNN goes on to reveal that Moon's organ "attributed the information in its article to an unnamed source, who said it was discovered by researchers connected to Senator Clinton." So if any of the Washington Times' mouth-readers doubt the veracity of this stupid claim, they can just blame Clinton and kill two birds with one lie. Ingenious. Unsurprisingly, a spokesman for Clinton denied that the campaign was the source of the Obama claim.

Remember when reading newspapers only made you want to wash your hands to get rid of the ink smudges? Now a full-scale mental delousing is called for after you're done immersing yourself in the degraded world of truth porn and opaque propaganda. And people wonder why big news is losing out to blogs? Apart from the cover price and the sports results, you're more likely to find a genuine Rolex on Canal Street for $10 than anything true in our Goebbelsesque papers. (Link to this)

WELCOME TO THE BUDD DWYER SHOW...
January 22, 2007

Lest We Forget: 20th Anniversary of Robert Budd Dwyer's TV Suicide

"If this will offend you, please leave the room. Stay away, this thing will hurt someone."

These were the last words of disgraced Pennsylvania State Treasurer R. Budd Dwyer just before he took out a gun and blew out his brains on live TV on this day in 1987. Some pilot.

Dwyer was facing a five-year term for accepting $300,000 in kickbacks. A great role model for other Republican pols? We can but dream. (Link to this)

TED NUGENT: A CASE STUDY IN CONSERVATIVE TWATTITUDE
January 21, 2007

Like a one-man cuntservative Village People...

Hillary Clinton officially announced her intention to be next President of the United States this week. "I'm in to win." Says La Clinton on her Web site. This is great news. Not because I like the crypto-Republican lapdog of Wal-Mart much, but because every whining right-wing prick in the country will really, really hate it.

Take for example Ted Nugent who played at Texas governor Rick Perry's inaugural ball recently. Nugent showed up wearing a confederate flag t-shirt and yelled abusive comments about non-English speakers. Luckily for him, being a racist bastard at a downhome gathering of apple pie fascists is unlikely to cause problems - especially as The Nuge is a "good friend of the governor's" according to Perry's spokesman.

Sadly, Clinton can't boast of being buds with the guy who once defended apartheid, pissed on a nun, shat his pants for a week in order to avoid the draft and is one of the few white people since the late 1800s to use the word nigger in casual conversation. In a July 1994 interview in Westworld Newspaper, Nugent called Hillary Clinton a "toxic cunt," adding, "This bitch is nothing but a two-bit whore for Fidel Castro."

So no party invites for the Motor City Madman in 2008 if Clinton wins - unlike 2000 when he was a VIP attendee at George Bush's inauguration rave in Crawford. "When he [Bush] noticed me," Nugent recalls, "he was surrounded by these huge bankrollers from his campaign. He literally swept past all of them and said: 'Laura! Look who's here! It's Ted!' Then he hugged me and took me by the shoulders. He said: 'Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't think that we don't know what you're up to out here. Stay on course. You're doing great."

I have nothing more to say. (Link to this)

IT'S THE CHIA KILLER...
January 20, 2007

Is Phil Spector growing an insanity plea on his head?

Jury selection will begin in March, 2007 in the murder trial of Spector, who's charged with killing actress Lana Clarkson in his suburban mansion... but screw all that. What's up with the troll-like jewfro? Is this what a Rogaine OD looks like? Is it a deliberate ploy to distract the jury? Etc., etc. (link to this)

ANOTHER PUSH FOR WEB STUPIDITY
January 20, 2007

MySpace Pervert Victims' Parents Sue

Four families whose underage daughters were sexually abused after meeting people on MySpace have sued News Corp., the site's parent company, alleging it was negligent in not creating safety measures to protect younger users.

Now, just because these dipwads are too lazy to look out for their own kids, they have to rattle the cages of the authoritarian wackjobs who'd love any excuse to regulate the Web into oblivion... Thanks a bunch, numbnuts. While you're about it, why not campaign for a 5mph speed limit to save you the trouble of warning your kids not to walk in the road with their eyes closed? Why not just restrict everybody else's freedoms to preserve your own freedom to be a clueless fuckwit?

Maybe teenage kids wouldn't be out courting the attentions of child molesters if their own parents gave more than a flying fuck about them anyway. Jeez, these pricks make me seethe... (Link to this)

HERE'S ROOSTER!
January 18, 2007

Santorum Back With New Bullshit... Didn't He Get Fired?

Former high school baseball manager (top left), Pennsylvania Senator and current bobble-headed fuckwit, Rick "Rooster" Santorum

Rick Santorum praised Our Dear Leader as "Lincolnesque" and said "good for him" when Fox Host Martha MacCallum accused Bush of not listening to the people.

Of course, taking potshots at Santorum is like shooting paralyzed fish in a tiny barrel, but what the fuck?! If Santorum ever thought to idiot check his own 'dickheadesque' pronouncements, he might have remembered Lincoln's civil war was about won in the time it's taken our Dumb Fuck in Chief to go from "Mission Accomplished" to "err..." in Iraq.

Now Bush is almost entirely devoid of support - apart from assholes like Santorum and Sean 'you-must-support-the-president-even-if-he's-nuts' Hannity - his pig-ignorant assertion that he'd "not withdraw even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me" might just be coming true.

Bush has already announced he intends to throw 21,500 more US troops into the middle of the Iraqi civil war. How dangerously inept does a president have to get before he's quietly shot with a tranquilizer dart and transported back to Crawford in a pet carrier? (Link to this)

HEIL HANNITY - THE WHORE OF BABBLE-ON
January 14, 2007

Sean Hannity Calls Sean Penn an "Enemy of The State"

When the egomaniacal propaganda machine known as Sean Hannity takes to declaring people "enemies of the state" when they don't agree with his party of choice, doesn't it tip his hand a little? Exercising your right to voice your own opinions and criticize the elected government of the moment cannot make you an enemy of a democratic state, but it can definitely make you an enemy of the kind of fascist state that Hannity inhabits in his wet dreams.

Hannity justifies his accusation by saying "Now, besides calling little old me a "whore" at a recent speech, Penn has called for the impeachment of just about everybody in the Bush administration and called them bastards." Oh, now I get it. Penn calling Bushco™ a bunch of bastards is just a 'besides' issue - the real issue is that he called our midget Fuehrer a whore.

Besides being a whore, Sean Hannity flaunts his fascist instincts with every miserable phrase spewed forth from his cat's sphincter mouth. How do you really get to be an enemy of a democratic state? Try being Hannity. (Link to this)

WHAT'S NEW IN BIG FAUNA
January 13, 2007

Big Rabbits Are Good, But Big Owls Suck

(Please feel free to insert your own obvious caption to the picture on the left)

An east German who breeds fuck-off big bunnies has been asked to help set up monster rabbit farms in North Korea. According to the UN, the Korean people "struggle to feed themselves on a diet critically deficient in protein, fats and micronutrients." And dog-sized lagomorphs.

With less respect for those of us at the top of the food chain, a giant owl in England has been hunting humans. One near-victim told reporters "I heard a loud woo-woo noise and looked over my shoulder to see this creature with silver wings, claws stretched out. I ran as fast as I could on to the platform and it flew away. On Christmas Eve I saw it go for a man coming out of a pub and chase him down the street." Thank you massive bunnies, screw you big owls. (Link to this)

THIRTY PIZZAS OF SILVER
January 13, 2007

Pizza Chain Gets Death Threats For Accepting Pesos

You might think Dallas-area racists would have something better to do with their time than call up Pizza Patron to threaten them with death for accepting pesos. But if you did, you're probably more retarded than they are. Sad twats. (Link to this)

THE UNITED STATES OF HYSTERIA
January 12, 2007

Anti-Muslim hysteria at EBay:"This is a Thirty Note Set of United States of Islam Dollars... A large assortment of notes to give away, send to friends, or leave as tips in restaurants. Spark some conversation!" (Like "Thanks for the fake tip, dickhead.")

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (tough gig) estimates that there are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world - with 7 million of them currently residing within the belly of the "Great Satan." Unfortunately, for the Americans who don't like them, it's hard to get 7 million Allah-botherers to shut up and trade their Korans in for Bibles. So now there's an unwritten law (something along the lines of 'if they won't join us, beat them') in America: anything any Muslim says at any time will be viewed as tantamount to a declaration of war and a reminder to us that they're coming to kill our families. Just ask Hannity.

Ironically, it's only wingnuts who take it seriously when jihadists babble about establishing a worldwide Caliphate. Ask any sane Muslim and they're sure to be as embarrassed by those nutters as most thinking Americans are by Pat Robertson. It would seem that the wingnut Islam-conspiracists are the rightful heirs of those loons who used to believe the red Chinese were digging a tunnel under the Pacific with chopsticks to invade us. They are, how you say?, wackjobs. And here's one way guaranteed to rile a wackjob:

Muslims messing with the flag horror... This stars and crescents adaptation was sent to Jihad Watch by a 'reader' who spotted it "in a Muslim-owned auto repair shop in New England." Among the responses posted on the site:

"Disgusting. If an American Nazi displayed a swastika at his business the outrage would make national news." (IslamIsForLosers)

"That is not our flag...They will know our flag when we plant it in their chests." (tgusa)

"This "flag" is an appalling abomination. It should be an insult to every loyal, freedom-loving American." (A.I. Steamroller).

Seems that irony-free xenophobes don't see any contradiction when they talk about loving their freedom and hating other people's in the same breath. Makes one wonder how eagerly these 'freedom-lovers' would have swallowed Hitler's crap about Jewish Bolsheviks taking over the world? (Link to this)

IS LIBERAL THE NEW CONSERVATIVE?
January 10, 2007

Do any conservatives out there even recognize their own abandoned values flying back at them out of 'left field?'

Those malignant manipulators at F(oxymoron) News must have thought it a rib-tickling jape to slap that sub-head on one of their anti-Pelosi segments. For every dribbling Fox fan out there, San Francisco (read: Homo Town, CA) embodies everything they most despise. So what if San Francisco's one of those wealth generating hubs that bails out their impoverished Jeezuzland shitholes year after year? So what if cities like this are glowing examples of the conservative principles of capitalism and libertarianism in action? Now that American conservatism has more in common with Joe Stalin's double-speak authoritarianism rather than Barry Goldwater's curmudgeonly libertarianism, they don't appreciate that kind of shit any more.

So what's the upshot of the Dem-dominated '100 Hours' legislative session and how will it 'lavenderize' America into San Francisco? According to the Christian News & Media Agency "The Democratic agenda outlined by the House leaders includes increasing the minimum wage, making it easier to buy prescription drugs from other countries, cutting interest rates on student loans, ending subsidies for big oil, investing in renewable energy sources, and enacting most of the recommendations found the report from the bipartisan Iraq War Commission." Even though they seem to have cherry-picked the least palatable parts to spoon-feed their readers, this hardly seems like Homo Town insanity.

Add to that the parts the "Christians" don't want to talk about - like new mandates to search air and sea cargo, more funds for potential terror targets, improved emergency communications, prevention of nuclear proliferation abroad, etc., - and they start looking more like the kind of bills Bush (or the mighty Gipper himself) himself should have been passing instead of just pretending to.

"100 Hours" also promises to protect Net Neutrality and stop the Web devolving into a monopolistic moneymaker for mega-corporations with China-style censorship. Do any conservatives out there even recognize their own abandoned values flying back at them out of 'left field?' Sadly, it would seem not. (Link to this)

TIGGER GETS GNARLY
January 8, 2007

Cartoon Thug Beats on Brat

Winnie the Pooh's Tigger has landed in trouble at the Walt Disney World Resort in Florida - he stands accused of hitting a child while posing for a photo. Jerry Monaco of New Hampshire was filming his family when he saw Tigger lock his son's arm and slap him upside the head.

Watch Tigger get gnarly at YouTube. It must be every teenage kid's dream to get his ass whooped by a cartoon character on national TV. Boing! (Link to this)

STUPIDEST STORY OF 2006... BAA NONE
January 5, 2007

Because I'm an idiot (but nowhere near as much as the guy pictured left), I still think this is one of the funniest stories of 2006:

Leroy Johnson, a deputy fire chief in Mesa, Arizona, was arrested after his neighbor's teenage daughter watched him drag one of their lambs into a barn for a quick crime against nature. When confronted, Johnson sheepishly admitted to Alan Goats (yes, it really is his name), "You caught me Alan, I tried to fuck your sheep."

Tried?! Not only did sheep boy face the embarrassment of getting caught in an act of bestiality, he also gave himself the double shame of 'fessing up to ED to his neighbor as well. Now Johnson will be forever branded a limp-dick, while the unfortunate Mr Goats will have to come to terms with the stigma of having unsexy sheep. It's a sad situation all around.

Johnson pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to 18 months probation by a Maricopa County judge. As part of a plea agreement, he was baa-ed from owning any animal during his probationary term - though he was allowed by the terms of the agreement to keep "two turtles presently at Defendant's residence." I guess the Maricopa County judge regards turtles as unfuckable. Let's hope Johnson doesn't down a six-pack, pop a few Viagras and decide to take him up on that challenge. (Link to this)

CURIOUS AND NOT SO CURIOUS GEORGE
January 4, 2007

Dear Leader Signs New Snooping Law; Claims Not To Have Watched Saddam's Execution

Our overly curious Commander-in-Chief can't resist spying on Americans - so much so that he recently signed legislation into law that will allow the feds to open your mail without a warrant. Another great day for Democracy no doubt.

At the same time, the White House tells us that Bush hasn't seen the Saddam lynching flick - even though he spent billions of dollars on it's pre-production. This might seem odd for a guy who's so pathologically nosey about everything else. At least until you realize it's probably just a classic Bush tactic: avoid awkward questions about something by deliberately not watching/reading/discussing it/acknowledging its existence in the first place. Our Dear Leader only needs to say "didn't see it" if faced with questions about Saddam's hanging - as casually as if he'd been asked about yesterday's episode of 'Days of Our Lives.'

There is a point at which transparently dodging awkward subjects to preserve your own hide becomes less a flaw and more of an art form. In George Bush, we have found it's Picasso. (Link to this)

NARROW MINDS AND BROADER PREJUDICES
January 3, 2007

Recently elected Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison has been under attack from the lumpen wingnuterati. Why? Because, not unnaturally for the first Muslim elected to Congress, he'd chosen to take the oath of office on... gulp... the Koran (and not even the King James version at that).

Virgil Goode, the good ol' boy Republican from Virginia, called Ellison's Koran flaunting 'a threat to American values' because, like every other bobble-headed reactionary in America, Goode prefers his Korans flushed.

Given the loathing for Islam by those neighbor-loving Christian types in our nation's capitol, you'd think the lone Mohammedan would have a hard time finding a Koran for the ceremony. But luckily for Ellison, the library of Congress does have one: It was personally donated a long time ago by one Mr. Thomas Jefferson - that arch 'threat to American values' himself. (Link to this)

ACCIDENTAL TOURIST/DUMBASS
January 2, 2007

German Vacationer 8,000 Miles Out

A 21-year-old German has single-handedly tarnished the teutonic reputation for thoroughness and efficiency by accidently flying to the wrong continent to meet his girlfriend. Tobi Gutt misspelled Sydney (as in Sydney, Australia) when he booked his flight online and ended up flying to freeze-your-ass-off Sidney, Montana instead.

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States." Have to wonder at the unforgivingly non-idiot-proof nature of the Web site he used to book his flight. Do many other people do this and just keep quiet out of embarrassment? This could explain why there are people actually living in Sidney, Montana to begin with. Or London, Ohio, or Paris, Texas... (Link to this)

AMERICA TO THE RESCUE: GAY SHEEP THWARTED AND GEOLOGY OUTLAWED
January 1, 2007

As part of our ongoing mission to convince the rest of the world we are the village idiots of Planet Earth, US scientists are now conducting experiments to change the sexuality of gay sheep in a program that critics fear could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans. Great news for evangelical pastors and Republican politicians, but could this be the dumbest thing you'll ever read in 2007? There's more...

At the Grand Canyon National Park, Bush administration-appointed staff have banned guides from talking about the age of the Grand Canyon to avoid offending religious fundies and creationist nutjobs. At the same time, they are selling 'Grand Canyon: A Different View' at the park's gift shop - a book that helpfully explains how the canyon was formed during the deluge while Noah kicked back on the ark.

So... science is good when it's curing homosexual sheep, but science is bad if it starts contradicting the crazed fantasies of religious loons? Glad we got that straight. (Link to this)

BAD TO THE VERY LAST DROP
December 30, 2006

Standing Room Only at Saddam's Old-Fashioned Necktie Party

There wasn't a damp eye in the house when Don Rumsfeld's old play date found himself stage center on the gallows in Baghdad. Even those of us who believe the death penalty to be a repulsive relic of less civilized times (like Donald Trump or the Fox Reality channel) were prepared to let this one slide.

In a mind left partially vacant by my absence of sympathy for Saddam, I couldn't help wondering instead whether that nifty 'execution equipment' had been imported by Halliburton especially for the occasion. Was it stickered "American-made" with a stratospheric mark-up billed to the stateside taxpayer? Or had it been lovingly handcrafted on-site by unemployed Shiites overseen by an obscenely compensated Brown and Root project manager? Either way, you can be sure Bush's late Christmas gift to himself will have cost us dearly in a far broader sense. Saddam has been lynched and everything will be alright now. Of course it will, dear wingnuts.

As an afterthought, what's the difference anyway between today's televised hanging and those 'made for TV' decapitations terrorists post on their Web sites? Those taped executions, whether featuring innocent kidnap victims or platinum-standard bastards like Saddam, all send the same brutish message and are products of the same brutish mentalities. If Bushco™ had really wanted justice, they would have sentenced the egomaniacal psycho to live out his days flipping burgers at Wendy's or cleaning bathrooms at a Greyhound bus station. Wouldn't that have been better than borrowing this play from the 'terrist' handbook? (Link to this)

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