C–Spam February 2007

Ronald E. Kuch was arrested last year for publicly humping a decaying dog carcase within plain sight of a preschool daycare center. Although he was clearly in breach of at least 7,000 laws of state, nature and propriety, his defense team argued that he should not be punished under state sodomy laws as they do not explicitly define sex with a dead dog as a crime.

But Bay County Circuit Judge Joseph K. Sheeran has ruled that the charges will stand arguing that the purpose of the sodomy law is not to protect a specific victim, necessarily, but to prevent people from debasing and dehumanizing themselves. He added, not unreasonably in this case, that "There was a substantial risk that someone might be offended." (Link to this) (Related: OH... MY... GOD...)

Half of American Kids Below Average Intelligence? A Response From Mr T, Secretary of Education:

"Some fool at The Wall Street Journal's been jibber-jabberin' that half the kids in the country be stupid. Well ain't he the one who's dumb? Look at the glass being half-full instead - it means 50% of kids are NOT retards. Ain't that somethin' to be proud of?" (Link to this)

Wingnuts and Bushco™ apologists are pathological about arguing that America is better off under Bush. Despite the reality of plummeting house prices, increasing debt and diminishing job security we all experience, they still seek to persuade us that all's well in their alternative reality.

So how will they spin the recent study by McClatchy Newspapers that found, based on 2005 census figures, a 26% increase in Americans living in severe poverty since 2000? (That's families making less than $10,000 and individuals on less than $5,000.) Of course, the cocksuckers will just lie as usual. (Link to this)

LIEBERMAN EGO ON THE LOOSE AGAIN
February 25, 2007

DINO Threatens Defection

It seems that Joe Lieberman's pampered little ego has escaped again from it's cage in the Oval Office and is now threatening another rampage. How tackily predictable. After a few weeks of Lieberman-free news, this otherwise irrelevant cocksucker is now threatening to change parties and return Senate control back to the GOP just to get a little attention. He seems to be saying, even more brazenly than any other amoral waste of space in Washington, that he expects the whole country to revolve around him and his pathetic will to power rather than the wishes of the electors. Fuck you, Lieberman. (Link to this)

Seems some peevish pinhead wants to ban "anatomically explicit vehicle decorations" such as plastic bull's balls for the sake of... you guessed it... the children. LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon is yet another obsessive weirdo on a mission to make a world where we lose our virginity at age 40 - probably Hassidic style through a hole in a sheet - and kids discover what makes sweater bumps some time after getting their driver's license.

Of course it's equally weird to want to slap fake bull balls on your car, but at least it doesn't damage society like the deliberate promotion of ignorance for the sake of "the children." (Link to this)

Sure, Glenn's a stalwart patriot - just check out that sweater - but what's the best word to sum him up? Fried Wire decided to be democratic and deploy Google for an impromptu straw poll of public opinion. Here are the results in descending order:

Glenn Beck is a dickhead (Google results: 744)
Sample: "CNN dickhead Glenn Beck decides that Martin Luther King Day is an appropriate opportunity to call the rape allegations of the Duke Lacrosse team a "lynching." Cute, Glenn." http://chelicerata.blogspot.com/2007/01/glenn-beck-should-rot-in-hell.html

So it was a close race between 'prick' and 'cunt', but the public have spoken. According to the computer-using world, Glenn Beck is officially a shit. and, just in case you're wondering, the phrase "I like Glenn Beck" topped out at 2,810 compared with a mystifyingly low 351 for "I hate Glenn Beck." Come on people! There is clearly work to do. (Link to this) (Related: CNN Scrapes Beyond the Bottom of the Barrel)

(Apologies to those who shy away from the 'c' word, but there really is no other way to describe this noxious hack.)

According to Alicia Colon writing in the New York Sun, the 3,000+ military deaths caused by Bush's amateur colonial invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan need be put into context:

But when I say context, I should really say intellectually dishonest and morally bankrupt context. To prove Colon is a hypocritical cunt shamelessly belittling the sacrifices of our troops for the sake of a cheap dig at a guy who's been out of power for 7 years, all we need to do is check the facts. Yes, that's right wingnuts, facts. Remember those?

According to the DoD figures (PDF) a grand total of 563 armed services personnel died due to hostile action between 1980 and 1999. Where does this cunt get off trying to square the 3,133 who have died under Bush II with the 59 who died under Bubba's watch? (Link to this)

Two circus clowns have been shot dead during a performance in the eastern Colombian city of Cucuta, police say. Local reports say the audience of about 20 people, mostly children, thought the shooting was part of the show before realizing both men had been killed.

Quite apart from sympathy for the luckless clowns (like many, I feel that clowns have it coming and getting shot is probably the only way they'd get a laugh out of me), I can't help wondering what kind of scary-ass circus shows they're accustomed to in Columbia if everyone thought this was just part of the act. (Link to this)

The hardest working saint in Catholicism? Saint Dymphna, the patron saint of abused children.

In a letter to parishioners this weekend, the Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego said it is considering bankruptcy to avoid going to trial on more than 140 lawsuits alleging sexual abuse by priests. It would become the fifth in the nation to seek protection in the clergy sex abuse scandal.

After decades of covering up for perverts, Pope, Inc. is now reverting to quasi-fraud to make sure it's victims can't dent its treasure trove. In this age of kiddy-fiddling clergy, meth snorting pastors and wargasming 'Christian' conservatives, it must suck for the big guy having these freaks as His representatives on Earth. (Link to this)

A 39-year-old Wisconsin man was charged with criminal trespass to a dwelling, criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct after he busted down his neighbor's door and threatened him with a 3-foot sword after hearing the sounds of a woman being raped.

Seems a harsh way to treat a would-be good Samaritan? Not really. It turned out his neighbor was just beating off to a porno with the sound up loud when the lone swordsman kicked down his door demanding "where is she?" Now that's what you call spankus interruptus. (Link to this)

The Simon Wiesenthal Center has asked the Croatian government to have a word with a Pozega-based (geographic TMI?) sugar company that's been printing sugar packets emblazoned with Hitler's mug and a variety of anti-Semitic jokes. What's Croatian for Nazi fucktards I wonder? (Link to this)

We take a Mouseketeer with a knack for singing soft porn to preteens, throw money at her til she's living high on the hog like a chubby Paris Hilton then, as soon as she shows signs of being human, we round on her like drunk Mexican gangstresses outside a club at three in the morning. What is wrong with us people?

We all like to sneer now her celeb cred is waning. But that doesn't stop us selling her hair on eBay like it's Jesus' toenails. What, I say again, is wrong with us people??? (Link to this)

DEMOTWAT
February 20, 2007

Arizona Lawmaker Sets Sights On Naked Chick Mud flaps

While you do have to be a dipshit to be a Republican, you don't necessarily have to be a Republican to be a dipshit. Take Democratic Rep. Theresa Ulmer of Yuma, Arizona, who recently wasted State time trying to pass a miserable bill to ban naked chick mudflaps.

"I personally am tired of explaining to my 11-year-old son why they (women) are depicted on mudflaps , but not all women are 36Ds. He's very confused by that." Said Ulmer.

By her own testimony, Ulmer's kid must be at least as stupid as she is. Perhaps she should concentrate more on raising her family in a non-idiot environment rather than harassing people who, unlike her, actually work for a living. (Link to this)

Mitt "The Mad Mormon" Romney's been doing everything he can to suck up to Jeezuzland and scoop up the voting left-behinds who see McCain and Giuliani as harbingers of communist fagdom. Since launching his bid to become America's next retarded President, Romney has been kissing camouflaged ass and hobnobbing with America's gun lovers like a real rootin' tootin' twelve-gauge-pumpin' good ol' boy.

"He joined the NRA because, like millions of Americans, he supports the group's advocacy of the Second Amendment and its commitment to education programs promoting the safe use of firearms by law-abiding gun owners." Said spokesman Kevin Madden.

Want yet another prime example of Republican hypocrisy? How about Romney, a former gun-control advocate, joining the NRA just as he announces his deluded intention to run for Prez? This is so transparently classless it actually makes me puke a little in the back of my throat. (Link to this)

BUSH MISPLACES MIND AGAIN
February 19, 2007

Idiot King Compares Bushraq With American War of Independence

Bush (dis)honored the 275th birthday of America's first president and likened Washington’s long struggle to the war on global terrorism. Was this horribly tactless propaganda or just really, really stupid?

"Today, we’re fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life," said the walnut-brained mumblemeister as he stood in front of Washington's home on the Potomac on Monday.

"And as we work to advance the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country believed that the freedoms we secured in our revolution were not meant for Americans alone."

It's an old point to be sure, but it seems some are too stupid to grasp the obvious: George Washington was fighting against colonial exploitation, these days we are the fucking redcoats. (Link to this)

George ain't exactly up there in the intellect stakes, but even he's a few 'Hooked On Phonics' ahead of his idiot sibling, the ex-emporer of Florida. So how scary is it that Jeb's thinking about running in 2008? After 8-years of George II, should we prepare (by leaving the country or holding a Jims Jones Kool-Aid get together) for the reign of Jeb?

A new book, "JEB: America’s Next Bush." maintains that former Gov. Jeb Bush will run for president after all – perhaps as early as next year. Why? "For Jeb, the biggest factor that will push him into a presidential campaign will be his own boredom." Says the author.

Has our democracy sunk to this? The presidency is just an entertaining diversion for wealthy morons with ADD? (Link to this) (Related: Jeb Bush: The Whore On Terror | Republicans Gone Wild #2)

SUPPORTING THOSE TROOPS, BUSH-STYLE
February 14, 2007

Bushco Plans More Benefit Cuts for Wounded Vets

Need more proof that when cuntservatives blather on about 'supporting our troops,' they're talking out of their flabby white asses? Take Bush's "plans to cut funding for veterans' health care two years from now -- even as severely wounded troops returning from Iraq could overwhelm the system." Nice touch. No-one could accuse Durr Fuehrer of not supporting the troops... he'll be out of the White House living back on Daddy's dime by then. And, of course, no wingnut between then and now will question the morality of short-changing those vets they honor so much - unless the handy two-year timeline allows the slimy bastards to pin the blame on the next administration. (Link to this)

The news has been sucking for a while - which is why Fried Wire's news blog has been a little stagnant of late. Let's just say the putative invasion of Iran has entered it's second year of bluster, Plamegate rumbles toothlessly on and George Bush continues to sit out his final term and keep a low profile.

This is why I've been channeling my misguided energies into something more entertaining over the past couple of days. (Link to this)

A truck driver tipped his semitrailer on Thursday, spilling about 40 tons of cow intestines onto a major highway in eastern Wisconsin. Parts of Interstate 43 were closed for about two hours while authorities cleaned up. The accident happened when 25-year-old Ryan Engle's truck veered off the road as he adjusted his MP3 player. (Link to this)

The Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research laboratory will close after 28 years of studying ESP and telekinesis, research that embarrassed university officials and outraged the scientific community.

Good thing the feds are cutting back on weirdo funding like ESP research, remote viewing and global warming. That money's way better spent bribing scientists to say the ice caps aren't melting. (Link to this)

David Broder of the Washington Post is another one of those lying pro-GOP parasites with a unique ability to inspire both pity and contempt for the obviousness and toxicity of their miserable lies. Cynical fucks like Broder don't even care that their lies are more transparent than Donald Trump's combover because they know that their audience are dumb enough to digest any garbage they care to dump on them. Take Broder's entirely fictional coverage of this weekend's DNC meeting for example:

According to Oliver Willis, a guy who actually attended, Broder's account is 100% pure bullshit. Here's Willis' account:

As the 2008 election approaches, it should behoove the Democrats to call the Republicans on every shameless lie - from lying about global warming to Bushraq - but what an exhausting process it could be. At least I can drag out my old Republican Warriors Hall of Fame again to remind Broder and his retarded audience about their own party's "experience with" the military. (Link to this)

Does anyone else remember this quote from John McCain? "Arizona Senator and probable 2008 Republican presidential candidate John McCain jokingly says he would "commit suicide" if Democrats take control of the U.S. Senate in this November's election." Bush III himself might call it a joke, but some of us would call it a cruel tease. (Link to this)

*Great band name alert

“There is no question that hatred toward some American politicians like President Bush and Hillary Clinton is becoming an obsession for some people. An unhealthy obsession, in my opinion... Much of the bitterness can be laid at the doorstep of an increasingly ideological and irresponsible mainstream media that reports rumor, propaganda, and outright slander on a regular basis.”
- Bill O'Reilly

The Womens' Falafel Wrestling team calls him coach... You know you're in serious trouble when this guy represents the still small voice of reason.

Over at "California Conservative," the blog that claims to 'speak for the silent majority' (who, oddly, never shut the fuck up), they're all of a lather over Comrade Clinton again. "Clinton Beginning to Sound Like Hugo Chavez" drones their latest whiney headline. Why is Clinton beginning to sound like Chavez? Has she taken to speaking Spanish and dropped her voice an octave? Nope. Apparently the 'conservatives' object to her plans for socialist-style wealth redistribution (or tax as we used to call it) via those cash-choked oil companies. Expecting oil billionaires to put a little back into the pot for the sake of national prosperity? Marxist insanity to be sure.

But if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride and... maybe someone would explain to these crypto-authoritarian nutjobs that their idea of conservatism is more akin to Trotsky's notion of perpetual revolutionary war (let's just call it the free market) where the end justifies any means. Just swap 'the proletariat' with 'the corporations' and you might see my reasoning. Just as the 'Christian' right's tribalistic obsession with the Old Testament makes them effectively Jewish without even knowing it, the cuntservative compulsion to submit to the corporate will makes them damn commies without even knowing it.

Here's some more cretinous dumbassery harvested at random from the mom's basement of the blogosphere: "Hillary Clinton - Marxist," "Hillary Clinton Preaches Communism to Democrats - and They Applaud," and, most retardedly (is that a word?) of all, "The Communists are Coming."

Jeez, makes you want to put that expensive toy democracy up on a high shelf until these pricks get mature enough to play with it sensibly. I'm sure I'm not alone in being at once terrified and depressed that people in this country who seriously believe Hillary Clinton is a communist get to vote. Some conservatives (so I've heard) are not bile-spouting retards with mental ages stuck in single digits like those linked to above. Can't those sober types on nodding terms with reality keep their headbanging cohorts under control? After all, they tell us it was worth thousands of lives and billions of dollars to bring democracy to Iraq. So why are they so eager to casually stifle our own with their noxious bullshit? (Link to this)

...and what appears to be a major ejaculation stain on his pants leg as he leaves the historic Selimiye Mosque in Edirne, Turkey. Guess the Third World raping business ain't what it used to be. (Link to this)

News editors take note: on the left is a cartoon of some french fries giving the finger; the terrorist bomb is on the right.

Outdoor installments placed by Ted Turner's Cartoon Network to promote its new adult series "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" caused 'panic' in Boston yesterday. Although the ads were placed in several locations in many other cities - including Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco and Philadelphia - the light-up characters only raised a scare in and around Boston. This was a Fox News bullshit double header: a feeble excuse to scare the witless more shitless with bogus terror threats and an irresistible opportunity to bitch on about Ted Turner all fucking day.

But did any Fox drone think to ask why al Qaeda would choose to decorate their bombs with flashing cartoons of milkshakes and fries flipping the bird? Nope. That way they might have had to explain why their shitty network had chosen such a pathetic pretext to indulge in all-day War On Terror™ circle jerk. (Link to this)

"You got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man."
Joe Biden

On the day he announces another quixotic joust at the presidency, Biden called for more troops in Iraq and disparaged black people as dirty, inarticulate and dumb in a display of verbal dexterity that made George Bush look like Noam Chomsky. Which party is this guy running for again? (Link to this)

Rumanian Doctors' Union defends surgeon who amputated penis during hissy fit

Doctors' unions in Romania have criticised a decision to make a surgeon pay $200,000 in damages after he lost his temper and hacked off a patient's penis during surgery. Surgeon Naum Ciomu, who had been suffering from stress at the time, had been operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital. (Link to this)