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KARL ROVE A WANKSTA?!
March 29, 2007

"MC Rove" Routine Baffles Nation

The crowd at the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner were by turns incredulous and amused as Bush's brain krumped his way through a two-minute "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" improv skit featuring himself as "MC Rove." [video] Sample rhyme: "Yes that's right - he can't be beat, cuz he's so white from his head to his feet..." Oi vey... think how hard Scooter Libby must have laughed.

As a side note, anally-retentive Hip Hop aficionados may have noticed something familiar about MC Rove's backing beats. Ironically, the track closely resembled the intro break to "Impeach The President" - a Watergate-era funk track by The Honeydrippers. (Link to this)

CITIZENS OF TOKYO: SUMMON MOTHRA!
March 28, 2007

Michael Jackson Plotting to Take Over World With Giant Robo-Michael

Forget Osama, Iran, Bush and the myriad wackos militating for world domination... my blood runs cold at the news that "The 'Thriller' singer is reviewing plans for a 50 foot robotic replica."

There is no news yet as to Robo-Michael's offensive capabilities or when it will be unleashed upon the world. Will it roam the earth emitting deafening "hee-he-hees" in search of prepubescent boys and unsuitable pets? Will any of the world's amusement parks survive unscathed..? Mayday! Mayday! I think I hear the clang of a distant crotch grab... oh, the humanity! (Link to this)

DEAR WINGNUTS: PLEASE ADVISE! (PART 2)
March 27, 2007

So a guy paints a dogs-playing-poker-style skit on the last supper. Behold the rustle of cuntservative panties bunching nationwide...

Judas Iscariot as standard poodle - as opposed to the only non-European in DaVinci's non-offensive, non-canine original.

"Can you imagine such a segment on ABC with Mohammed and his followers substituted for Christ? Imagine an ABC anchor musing whether the depiction of Mohammed as a dog might be a "whimsical riff?" Fretting whether a private citizen's decision not to display the painting was "censorship?" Laughing about the whole matter? Neither can I."

- Mark Finkelstein, Exposing and Combating Liberal Media Bias (gimme a break) at Newsbusters.org

Every time anyone slights Jesus, the wingnut response is "where is the outrage?" True, if you painted a kitsch doggie version of a pivotal scene from the Koran, you'd probably wind up being dragged around the backstreets of Karachi by an angry Mullah on a moped. But if you diss JC, there are no repercussions - only outraged shrieks from those who contradict the tenets of Christianity with their every thought and deed but still follow it like a football team.

Sorry to be logical, but wouldn't the absence of a violent Christian backlash support your 'our religion's better than your religion' point of view anyway? Shouldn't you be happy about that? Or is the real cause of your frustration rooted in the fact that our 'secular' society still denies you the opportunity to stone infidels and run riot like Islamonazis every time your religion-of-choice gets knocked?

I'm sure JC would not be whining like a peevish little bitch over this. The son of God gave up his life for our sins and would have bigger fish to fry other than getting even with some guy in Florida for painting a joke picture. So couldn't you wingnuts just shut up with the tired old anti-Islam/everybody-hates-Christianity bullshit and try, at least, acting Christian for a change? When they start throwing you to the lions on Superbowl Sunday, then let's talk about how oppressed you are as representatives of America's most powerful and tiresomely over-represented cultural demographic. But, until then, just shut the fuck up. (Link to this)

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, QUACKS LIKE A DUCK...
March 26, 2007

Hardly a day goes by when I don't ponder the enigma that is Ann Coulter. It's not really unrequited love - more an impulse to flatten her head with a two-foot length of rebar that remains frustratingly unfulfilled. It's more of a gender enigma anyway. Is she or isn't he..?

Many have wondered if Ms Coulter is really a Mister - sure he's irrational, likes to dress like a hooker and has driven many men to the brink of homicide, but that doesn't mean he's necessarily a woman.

There are many differences between male and female physiognomy that can be used when, for example, determining the gender of human remains or of suspected trannies trawling for drinks among the drunk and unwary. If we subject Coulter's physiognomy to a simple male/female comparison, the evidence for maleness does become overwhelming. Using the 10 differences between male and female physiognomy listed at the Virtual Facial Feminism (whatever the hell that is) Web site, Coulter checks male for all of them... I shit you not.

• The male hairline is often higher than the female and tends to have an “M” shape that recedes at the temples.
• The ridge of bone that runs right across the forehead just above the eyes (often referred to as "brow-bossing") is usually far more pronounced in males.
• Male eyebrows tend to be fairly straight and thick and sit right on or just under the orbital rims. Female eyebrows generally sit higher, just above the rims and they usually have a thinner and more arched shape.
• Female noses often have a straighter or more concave profile and tend to be blunter and more up-turned at the tip, men’s are often more humped and less turned up
• Female cheeks tend to be fuller and more rounded than male ones and the cheekbone itself tends to stand a little bit higher and further forward. Men often have hollow cheeks - this is partly because of the flatter cheekbones but also because their cheeks carry less fat.
• The distance between the top lip and the base of the nose is usually longer in males.
  Female lips are often fuller than male ones and therefore tend to be bigger in proportion to the rest of the face.
• Female chins tend to be rounded while male chins tend to be wider with a flat base and two corners to form a more square shape. Male chins are also a lot taller and heavier and are more likely to have a vertical cleft in the middle.
• The male jawbone is usually much more heavily built throughout than the female one. If you look at a male face from the front the bottom third tends to be wider. This is partly because the jawbone itself is wider and partly because the muscles that attach to the corners of the jawbone (the masetter muscles) are bigger in males.
• The Adam’s apple is an important gender marker - It is rarely visible in females but it is usually visible in males and can often be very prominent.
  

(Link to this) (Related: COULTER'S PSYCHO BABBLE THWARTED | THE BITCH OF BULLSHIT'S BLATHERING DE JOUR)

DEAR WINGNUTS: PLEASE ADVISE!
March 23, 2007

Are there any Bush fans, Hannity clones or assorted wingnuts out there who could help? I've been reading confusing stories in the news and would really appreciate a little help in making sense of them. For instance, how does this sentence fit in with the whole 'winning the war on terror' thing?

"10,000 Islamic militants linked to Osama bin Laden have been offered a safe haven by the Taliban in Afghanistan."

Really, I'm willing to learn... if someone could just take a break from yelling and explain a few things, I'd be very grateful.

And if life in Iraq is as super dooper as they say, could someone tell me why an Iraqi would say "From the moment I get out of my house, I think of inevitable death, at any moment... that I may not see my family again and they fear the same." Doesn't sound that great to me... or is it just that I'm a cynical liberal who doesn't want to hear the success stories?

Then again, I'm still confused about how "a record number of Americans disapprove of the war in Iraq, and a clear majority now favors the eventual withdrawal of U.S. forces" and our "democratically elected" President is still doing the opposite. Maybe I am just an ignorant jackass (as some of my kind feedbackers like to say), because none of this shit is making sense. (Link to this)

NO SPANKING - BY ORDER OF ANIMAL CONTROL
March 25, 2007

Lovelorn Owner Talks Dirty to Confiscated Monkey

Darwin, a Rhesus Macaque Monkey was recently confiscated by animal services from owner Bobby Denton Crawford Jr.'s home in Plano, Texas. According to animal services, "Rhesus Macaques will go straight for your face and tear into you. They have the strength of six men and inch-and-a-half incisors." But Crawford was clearly inconsolable and, in spite of the dangers, made several visits to see Darwin.

While visiting his ex-monkey on one occasion, lovelorn Crawford dropped off an audio tape player with a recorded message addressed to his monkey that was of a "sexual nature" and "made references to Darwin and himself engaging in mutual stimulation."

Unfortunately, I hear that spanking your monkey, even figuratively, is a crime throughout large swathes of Texas. God alone knows what medieval punishment they have on the books for doing it for real. (Link to this)

THAT CRAZY LIBERAL MEDIA
March 23, 2007

Go on, ask a wingnut: they're all gay for Communism

Norah O’Donnell: a slightly less pretty Che Guevara

MSNBC’s Norah O’Donnell had Patrick Leahy on for questions about the ongoing 'Prosecutor Purge' scandal. Leahy was peeved that Bushco™ have only offered 'closed door' interviews with no oath-taking or transcripts. Seems reasonable enough... especially if you intend to lie your ass off.

"You’re going to get the truth from Karl Rove. What’s wrong with that?" Asked O'Donnell betraying her liberal tendencies. "You don’t trust the White House. The bottom line, you don’t trust the White House." She went on, Trotsky-like, leaving Leahy to respond "err... no." That damned liberal media. (Link to this)

ROCKY V. BULLWINKLE
March 23, 2007

Salt Lake Mayor criticizes 'dangerous culture of obedience' - the dangerously obedient summon their chief.

Fried Wire's hat was off in honor of Salt lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson yesterday. As Mayor of a town so uptight even its crack dealers wear ties, it's not just his name that's unexpectedly left-field. He also seems, to all intents and purposes, to be talking sense. As he pushed ahead on his pre-failed quest to have our "war criminal" commander-in-chief impeached, Anderson made reference to the "dangerous culture of obedience throughout much of this country." Or, as Karl Rove would call it, our base.

As someone who has devoted three years effort into maintaining a Web site (no free, pre-fabricated blogging for me) just so I can bitch about America's descent into dumb, unquestioning servitude, it fucking rocks to hear someone share the meme. My cap remains doffed to Rocky.

But for every Rocky, there must be a Bullwinkle. And who is that artificial-hearted, psychotic moose bastard trampling down the fence to shit all over my happy place? None other than Dark Lord Cheney who's just scored the April commencement address gig at Brigham Young University.

It's almost as if the state of Utah was worried about it's image. "Darn that commie mayor... people will be thinking we're turning into Sweden or something... our kids will be drinking wine coolers and listening to non-traditional polka next thing you know. What to do?" I guess they decided it was time to call for the cuntservative enforcer. (Link to this)

BUSHCO™ LOSING HEARTS AND MINDS IN IRAQ...
March 21, 2007

...because losing heads and limbs will do that to a people.

According to an opinion poll of 5,000 Iraqis carried out over the past month, only 49% say they are better off now than under Saddam. And 3,500 US troops had to die for this miserable exercise in futility? Maybe, after another few years of the meatgrinder, that remaining 49% will also conclude that life under a psychotic megalomaniac jizzbag is better than Bush's democratic idyll.

Four years ago, Kadhim al-Jubouri spoke of his joy as he slammed a sledgehammer into a 20ft bronze statue of Saddam while leading the crowd that toppled the statue in Baghdad's Firdous Square. Now, on the fourth anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq, he says: "I really regret bringing down the statue. The Americans are worse than the dictatorship. Every day is worse than the previous day." Good work, Bushco™.

Surprisingly, VP Cheney is also against the pointless prolonging of the agony and has opposed it publicly. At least 1991-vintage Cheney did. Like a stopped clock, here's proof that he can be right once:

"I think for us to get American military personnel involved in a civil war inside Iraq would literally be a quagmire. Once we got to Baghdad, what would we do? Who would we put in power? What kind of government would we have? I do not think the United States wants to have U.S. military forces accept casualties and accept the responsibility of trying to govern Iraq. I think it makes no sense at all." (Link to this)

STUPID IS... ALWAYS HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY
March 19, 2007

Q: What does the Republican party have in common with a colostomy bag?
A: They're both compensating for defective assholes.

"For me to stand here before all these people and say that I'm going declare divorces invalid because someone feels that they weren't treated fairly in court, we are getting into a, uh, uh, tar baby of enormous proportions."
Said Douche bag McCain answering questions at a mid-day town hall meeting in Cedar Falls, Iowa on Friday.

"The expression tar baby is also used occasionally as a derogatory term for black people (in the U.S. it refers to African-Americans; in New Zealand it refers to Maoris), or among blacks as a term for a particularly dark-skinned person. As a result, some people suggest avoiding the use of the term in any context."
randomhouse.com word of the day, February 12, 1999

So what if you're the kind of anachronistic embarrassment who doesn't see anything offensive about using racial slurs as analogies? So what if you can't see why an Indian dude would object to being called a monkey? So what if you don't see the offense in implying that black people are dirty and inarticulate? The 'so what' is that these dumb pricks are trying to hit it off with the American public because they want the no. 1 job in the land - and they're exercising less verbal discretion than a redneck with tourette's interviewing for the night shift at Taco Bell. It's a radical proposal, but a lot of time and trouble could be saved if an 'idiot filter' could be installed in the electoral system. (Link to this)

WHY IS THIS PICTURE NOT EMBARRASSING?
March 19, 2007

"In this battle, we have fought for the cause of liberty, and for the peace of the world. Our nation and our coalition are proud of this accomplishment... Because of you, our nation is more secure. Because of you, the tyrant has fallen, and Iraq is free."
George W. Bush, May 1, 2003

"It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude our best option is to pack up and go home. That may be satisfying in the short run. But I believe the consequences for America's security would be devastating."
George Bush, March 18, 2007

Why is this picture not embarrassing? Maybe for the same reason no-one seems too embarrassed about the Supreme Court deliberating "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" instead of Walter Reed, Plamegate, domestic spying, illegal internment, institutionalized torture, post-Katrina government negligence and the whole bulging swag bag of Bush-endorsed infringements that's bloated to bursting point over the course of the past 7 years. (Link to this) (Related: THE ANTI-CLINTON TAKES ON BONG HITS 4 JESUS)

SWEET JUSTICE
March 19, 2007

Naomi Campbell Sentenced to 5 Day Mop Gig

Although the world seems to be crawling with free-wheeling ne'er-do-wells immune to justice, here's one small story that'll go some way to restoring the cosmic balance. According to the BBC:

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell has begun five days of mopping at New York's Sanitation Department, as punishment for hitting a maid with a mobile phone. Campbell, 36, arrived in high heels with workboots slung over her shoulder."

"We have plenty of work for her to do over the next five days." Said Albert Durrell, deputy chief of the Department of Sanitation. What a great way for cities to save money and put these egomaniacal mannequins in their place. Can we look forward to seeing Kate Moss delivering meals-on-wheels? Or Linda Evangelista handing out Hermes throw pillows to the homeless? Oh sweet justice! (Link to this)

AND HERE IS THE REAL NEWS...
March 16, 2007

Wingnuts (see below) love to whine about our MSM and it's reluctance to cover the real issues - such as what a great job Durr Fuehrer is(n't) doing, how great the economy is(n't) going, how much like their great Ronald Reagan our current President is(n't), etc., etc. So why do our news media refuse to blandly regurgitate right-wing propaganda just to keep a few delusional whack jobs happy? Doesn't seem like too much to ask - especially as most of them spent years 2000 - 2006 doing exactly that.

Maybe the answer is that the news media are now too busy concentrating on the really real issues instead... 250-word stories (with pictures) about Sinbad's Wikipedia entry mistakenly saying he was dead don't just write themselves. "Saturday I rose from the dead and then died again," the star of "Houseguest" and "Jingle All the Way" told The Associated Press in a phone interview. Good work, AP! (Link to this)

IRAQ SURGE A SUCCESS?
March 15, 2007

'Only' 17 troops killed this month - wingnuts scorn MSM for not applauding

"[This] news should be on the front page of every American newspaper--but, of course, it won't be." Says The Autonomist, while Mark Nicodemo (a.k.a. the world's dumbest blogger) goes with "why isn't the American media covering this?" One answer could be that it may not be true [1] [2] [3] because if you rely on the state-run Kuwaiti news agency for your news, there may exist a slight possibility of not-trueness occurring. Another answer could be that anyone with a basic sense of humanity or common decency would not be crowing about 'only' 17 US troops being killed. As Harvey Keitel said in 'Pulp Fiction', "Let's not go sucking each others dicks just yet."

Strategypage.com, which provides "quick, easy access to what is going on in military affairs," agrees that casualties are down for now. But adds "Meanwhile, the Shia and Kurd death squads are waiting for the Americans and the government to finish off the Sunni Terrorists, so that the destruction of the Sunni Arab community in Iraq can be completed." Yes, wingnuts, sounds like a major success that should be applauded. By Iran. (Link to this)

RETARD ROUNDUP
March 15, 2007

Today's sampling of A-list cretins from around the nation

Beware Drunk Unicorns
A pickup truck drove through a red light and nearly struck another truck at an intersection in Billings, Montana. The truck then made an erratic U-turn through a gas station, crossed the street and crashed into a light pole. The driver told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post because a unicorn was behind the wheel.

Don't know what this idiot was thinking. Everyone knows you should always hand your keys to a centaur when too drunk to drive - unicorns have an extremely low tolerance for alcohol and their hooves make shifting problematic.

Crack-for-sex ad on Craigslist: What could possibly go wrong..?
A horny fuckwit was arrested in New York after placing a Craigslist ad which attracted the attention of the NYPD. The ad promised cocaine for the ladies in return for sexual favors. I guess those fanatical Craigslist flaggers who enjoy fucking with people's ads were taking a break that day.

Dumb Rapist
A rapist was caught in Pennsylvania after taking a cellphone call from his wife while in the middle of raping a 49-year old woman in a trailer park laundry.

The good news? He's not the kind of husband who fobs you off with messages when he's busy. The bad news? Err... likes to rape.

(Link to this)

9-11 MASTERMIND ADMITS TO EVERYTHING... ALMOST
March 15, 2007

"I admit to 9-11 and the WTC bomb. But I never made movie with Wayans Brothers..."

Wingnut readers sometimes require clarification of the fucking obvious, so let me insert the following nota bene: I am not queer for the 'terrists' and the fact that I despise our reprehensible ruling junta with every fiber of my being should not be mistaken for hating America. Got it?

Now that's out the way, let me say Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was either the hardest working man in terrorism for a decade (which would explain why he let the manscaping slide) or Bushco is going for broke trying to pin every terrorist incident since the 90s on one convenient catch-all bastard.

"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan," Mohammed is quoted as saying. "For those who would like to confirm, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his head," he added helpfully (www.myspace.mohammed2399520921) His claimed involvement in the 2002 slaying of the Wall Street Journal reporter was among 31 attacks and plots he took responsibility for in a hearing Saturday at the U.S. naval prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, the Pentagon said.

But the planet is crowded with psycho cranks who'd happily take the glory for any Islamo-nazi attack you'd care to mention - even without the brisk course of waterboarding Mohammed was treated to by Bushco's Inquisition. It's also cogent to remember that Mohammed is already caught and inevitably headed for the death penalty (watch out, 72 virgins...). He probably figures he may as well take the heat to divert attention from his colleagues still at liberty.

Then let's add to the mix Bush's obsession with making a historical rep for himself by any means necessary, and this starts to look shakier than Michael J Fox on stilts. Sure I might be talking crap (and in this instance, I hope I am), but shouldn't the MSM and those bone-idle bribe-takers in DC be asking similar questions instead of just taking the word of certified liars like Bush and Cheney? (Link to this)

BOSTON SINGER PUSHES SUICIDE ENVELOPE
March 15, 2007

"More than a feeling" Guy Smokes Self

Singer Brad Delp of the AM-friendly rock band Boston has committed suicide. Police said that Delp poisoned himself with carbon monoxide by firing up two charcoal grills inside a sealed bathroom. Let's not be tacky and insensitive but... way to push the suicide envelope dude! It will be a long time before anyone tops that for ingenuity. (Link to this)

REALITY-BASED WORLD OR WINGNUT DEMENTIA?
March 14, 2007

No-one agrees with Cheney except the terrorists. That's good enough for the wingnuts.

"Vice-President Cheney in a recent speech expressed the belief that a precipitous withdrawal from Iraq would embolden terrorists... His belief was met with derision in some quarters but not among the "players" themselves. The Hezb'allah representative in Iran wholeheartedly concurs with Cheney." So says Ed Lasky at the... ahem... American Thinker.

So let's get this straight... Cheney ridiculously accuses Congress of being 'anti-war' and aiding the terrorist battle plan by talking about withdrawal (note Lasky's random insertion of the word 'precipitous'). No-one, including Congress and a large section of his own party, believes him or takes any notice. So... the wingnuts now listen to Hezbollah in preference to the US Congress and look to them to give credence to Cheney's semi-senile bullshit?

"Welcome to the reality-based world" says Ed Lasky. Could these people be sadder, stupider, wronger or more hard-up for credibility? (Link to this)

EXTREME PAINTBALL - IT'S GNARLY DUDE!
March 14, 2007

Army Recruiters Targeting Paintballers

Now, struggling for new recruits to aid in Iraq and Afghanistan, the armed forces have turned to paintballers. In fact, the Army is even sponsoring events in some northern states. "This is like a war zone to them. You have to have strategy and you have to have teamwork," said paintballer Manny Fernandez. "I could say it's similar to the Army or the Marines." Can't help wondering that Manny's in for a bit of a reality check when he gets to Iraq. From what I've heard, paintballs have not yet replaced IEDs as the insurgent's weapon of choice - extreme paintball Iraq-style comes with more of a 'boom' than a 'splat.'

Is it possible to sell Bushco's meatgrinder to potential recruits by less tacky and dishonest means? What happened to the good old 'doing your duty for the defense of constitution and country' angle? It would seem like a long shot these days. Micky Finn's, press gangs and cudgels cannot be far away. (Link to this)

ANOTHER GREAT AD FOR ATHEISM
March 13, 2007

Jeezuzland adds a dash of eugenics to it's homophobia. Anyone still remember when Christians were nice?

R. Albert Mohler Jr. = Fred Phelps with a GED.

Jeezuzland can always be relied on as a rich source of anti-gay lunacy. Even though it's crawling with self-hating secret homos these days and their lunatic fringe churches are looking gayer than Chuck Norris and Richard Simmons sashaying through a craft fair in assless chaps, they still know how to throw down the old school intolerance.

Take R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky, who recently came out in favor of medical intervention to change the sexual orientation of unborn gay babies while still in the womb. "If a biological basis is found, and if a prenatal test is then developed, and if a successful treatment to reverse the sexual orientation to heterosexual is ever developed, we would support its use as we should unapologetically support the use of any appropriate means to avoid sexual temptation and the inevitable effects of sin," Herr Mohler writes on his blog.

Mohler seems to be living in some kind of bigot's bygone age where Nazi-style eugenics seem like a good idea and where dudes can wind up beaten to death in ditches for expressing a penchant for man booty. When will we wake up from our fake-Christian-induced coma and recognize these insidious cretins for what they really are? Nothing really separates creepy Jeezuz fascists like Mohler from those bearded rapists over in Islamo-nazi world. Fuck them all, America and grow the hell up. (Link to this)

(Related: AMERICA TO THE RESCUE: GAY SHEEP THWARTED AND GEOLOGY OUTLAWED, YEA THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF GAYNESS...)

LYING BITCH?
March 13, 2007

NBC "news" hag spews toxic garbage from the reptilian slit in the front of her face...

On yesterday's 'Hardball,' Andrea Mitchell had this to say about the Passion of The Scooter:

"They're going to try to really tamp this down and appeal to the polling which indicates that most people think, in fact, that he should be pardoned. Scooter Libby should be pardoned."

Although a less than resounding 18% of us think Libby should be pardoned, why should the truth be allowed to stand in the way of a really bad argument? Good work, lying fake journo. (Link to this)

IS THE JURY STILL OUT ON "ROUND EARTH" THEORY TOO?
March 12, 2007

Forests sprouting in the arctic - but will the American Taliban waiver?

Interesting to learn that trees are now starting to grow in the arctic... Melting ice packs, drowning polar bears and arctic forests are the kind of subtle clues that might lead anyone who isn't (a) possessed with the discernment skills of a Haitian zombie or (b) a pathological liar to conclude that the planet might be getting warmer. But even if said arctic forests were of baobab trees full of fucking monkeys, I'm sure our loveable wingnuts would not stop chanting their 'global warming is a crock' party line.

Did I mention before how these reality-defying idiots' unthinking devotion to the corporate cause makes them quasi-Stalinists without even knowing it? (Link to this)

HYPER-CRISY
March 12, 2007

Iranian nuclear power = bad. Libyan nuclear power = need any help with that?

"The United States is to help Libya to build a first nuclear power plant under an agreement to be signed soon." (rawstory.com)

How hard would we have to work to convince that tiny undecided minority of Planet Earth that we are indeed governed by deeply unprincipled morons for whom lucre transcends all common sense? Not very I'd guess. (Link to this) (Related: WHAT WAR ON TERROR?)

DUMB TWEAKER BUSTED
March 11, 2007

Though I'm firmly with the great Ron Paul on the legalizing drugs debate, I'd still make an exception for meth. Meth-users make crackheads look like MIT professors. And the scary part is that meth production is a notoriously dangerous activity usually carried out by the same idiots who use it. Case in point: How about the tweaker in Arizona who set fire to his apartment trying to make meth in his toaster oven? Jonathan Zaletel, 19, was arrested on suspicion of drug manufacturing, drug possession and criminal damage after he drove to Wal-Mart to buy a fire extinguisher while his apartment burned. Like I say, if I'd field a crackhead over a tweaker on Jeopardy any day. (Link to this)

YEA THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF GAYNESS...
March 11, 2007

...I Shall Fear No Jail Time

"May I suck your cock, officer..?"

Former Baptist minister Lonnie Latham has spoken out against same-sex marriage and urged fellow Baptists to try to convince gays and lesbians they can become heterosexual "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their sinful, destructive lifestyle." Can you guess the next part?

Latham was arrested last year outside a hotel in Oklahoma City after asking an undercover police officer for oral sex. Ironically, Latham's successful defense was that it is not illegal for consenting adults to engage in private homosexual acts, so a request to participate in such an act is not illegal. Clearly, for Jeezuzlanders, it's an abomination and a crime for anyone to queer each other up - unless it's one of their own who's facing jail for doing it.

Instead of accepting the court's decision to acquit, shouldn't Latham do the decent thing and volunteer for an Old Testament style stoning instead? I'm sure a Texas jury would be only too happy to oblige. (Link to this)

LUNATICS STILL FIRMLY IN CHARGE OF THE ASYLUM
March 11, 2007

End-of-days Loon With 'Ear of the White House'

Remember the good old days when maniacs who obsessed over Biblical prophecies and gibbered about the end being nigh were either politely ignored or treated with large doses of psychotropic drugs? Not any more. Now straight-up lunatics like John Hagee (read: another money-grubbing shyster with a misleading 'dot org' top-level domain) have cable channels, large followings in Jeezuzland and 'the ear of the White House.' Hagee is the author of 'Jerusalem Countdown' - a book purporting to show that the Bible predicts a military confrontation with Iran that is currently No. 1 on the Wal-Mart inspirational best-seller list. Hagee tells us (and Bush) that the invasion of Persia was foretold in the Book of Esther as the event which will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation, and Second Coming of Christ. According to Prospect.org:

"While Washington insiders wonder and worry whether President Bush really is bent on a military strike against Iran, Hagee already has spent months mobilizing the shock troops in support of another war. As diplomats, experts, and pundits debate how many years Iran will need to develop a viable nuclear weapon, Hagee says the mullahs already possess the means to destroy Israel and America. And although Bush insists that diplomatic options are still on the table, Hagee has dismissed pussyfooting diplomacy and primed his followers for a conflagration."

And they're the people who call Muslims dangerous? (Link to this) (Related: SHALOM MOTHERFUCKERS)

ANOTHER READING OF CONSERVATISM'S MORAL COMPASS
March 9, 2007

Could Newt Gingrich keep his dick in his pants long enough to write a bad check? These, and other Jeezuz-related questions answered here...

"There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards." Said Newt "Boxhead" Gingrich after admitting he was busy cheating on his wife while simultaneously 'leading the charge' against Bill Clinton for cheating on his with that fat chick.

This slipperier-than-a-weasel's-snatch bastard may also remembered for dropping divorce papers off at the hospital where his wife was recuperating from cancer surgery so he could marry his adulterous love interest and for passing 22 bad checks during the 1992 'House Banking Scandal.'

Fallen short of God's standards? Fallen short of his own standards? Like there are actually 'standards' against which to judge Gingrich's feral behavior? (Link to this) (Related: HERE'S A MAN WHO WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE...)

HOOKER STANDARDS REACH STARTLING NEW LOW
March 7, 2007

Willie Nelson amongst those arrested in Florida prostitution bust? (Link to this)

BLOOD ON THE PRAIRIE
March 7, 2007

Researcher John Hoogland lectures about "Promiscuity, kidnapping, pedophilia, murder, infanticide." Not amongst the human population of Florida or the evangelical Christian community as might be expected, but amongst prairie dogs.

"Studying prairie dogs is like watching little people," he said. "Whatever we do, they do as well, and usually more often." Speak for yourself dude. "They are herbivores, strictly, except for eating babies." He added. (Link to this)

DEAD SEXY
March 6, 2007

The Guilty Boner from Beyond the Grave...

Gotta Love Dan Savage's Advice Column at the Anchorage Press:

Q: "I have always had a thing for Anna Nicole Smith and frequently masturbated to her Playboy photos. I've always felt some guilt about masturbation to begin with, but since her death, I now feel a little creepy doing it. Do you think it's okay to continue now that she has passed away?"

Hmm... what you say about that Dan?

A: "No, the reason you feel creepy about beating off to Anna Nicole's photos now, and the reason you must stop, is this: Whacking off to the dead violates the hope that masturbation represents... masturbating to the dead inspires only feelings of hopelessness and despair."

The hope that masturbation represents? A perfect campaign slogan for McCain 2008. (Link to this)

TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM
March 6, 2007

Bush Soldier Goes Down For the Godfather...

Former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was convicted Tuesday of obstruction, perjury and lying to the FBI in an investigation into the leak of CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity to reporters. Libby faces up to 30 years in prison, though under federal sentencing guidelines will receive far less. And, of course, Bush may still weigh in with a pardon that will see Libby and Boss Cheney immune from criminal investigation. Hell, Libby probably hasn't even packed and it's very unlikely that Cheney's robo-heart even skipped a beep at the news.

Events such as these make people who have faith in justice feel like quaint anachronisms. Libby lied to the feds to protect Cheney's ass and so they should both face the full weight of the law? Don't make me laugh through my tears of despair... Jurassic Democratic contender Walter Mondale sums up Cheney's bullet-proof status at politico.com thusly:

"Under the Bush-Cheney administration, the vice president has stepped over the line... Cheney has reached out to influence and pressure the legitimate and essential leadership of government and the agencies upon which the president and our government must depend... He has established a huge National Security Council-type staff which, operating under the power and influence of the vice presidency, has helped to implement Cheney's agenda."

In other words, this scowling fucker is in charge and any dreams of seeing him thwarted by a system he's made his bitch are strictly of the pipe variety. (Link to this)

WHAT WAR ON TERROR?
March 5, 2007

Oil Exempts Libya From Axis of Evil Status

Our Dear Leader once said "Any government that supports, protects or harbors terrorists is complicit in the murder of the innocent and equally guilty of terrorist crimes." What he forgot to add was "unless they got oil reserves they want to share with us." What's one little terrorist outrage between friends?

Libya is widely assumed to be behind the Lockerbie plane bombing (especially after they paid $2.7 billion without actually 'fessing up in a Michael Jackson-style compensation deal) which killed 270 passengers and crew back in 1988. But now, instead of languishing on the Bushco™ invasion wish list with North Korea and Iran, Gaddafi's desert dictatorship is the new playground for US oil companies:

American giant Exxon is sitting pretty with a massive offshore concession of 10,000 square kilometers (3,800 square miles) in the Sirte basin, along 160 kilometers (100 miles) of coastline, which it obtained without competition. "We are very happy with this concession, Exxon-Mobil has a long history of successes in Libya." Said Philippe Gosse, head of Libyan operations.

Is it just me, or is this nauseatingly hypocritical? Bush tapped into everyone's outrage after 9-11 to perpetuate a reign fueled by his supposed sense of patriotism and fair play. So how can US oil companies be allowed to work with Libya to mutually bloat their obscene profit margins without a squeak of criticism from the 'War On Terror' warrior? Bush's famous 'values' can be clearly seen as nothing more than oily, self-serving bullshit as long as his oil buds are out there kissing ass in Libya. (Link to this)

A PICTURE TELLS A THOUSAND WORDS...
March 3, 2007

...with at least four of them being "screw you, black folks."

Wonder which Bushco™ genius thought it would be cool for VP of Darkness Cheney to fly to his Afghan fiefdom in an airborne insult named after one of America's most noted segregationists? Pure class. (Link to this)

WEASEL WORDS AND BLAND BRUTALITY
March 3, 2007

Obama and McCain Attacked for 'Wasted' Comments... What About Kissinger?

Two weeks ago Barack Obama said the Iraq war had "seen over 3,000 lives of the bravest young Americans wasted." He apologized immediately afterwards. Last night, John McCain said "We've wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American lives."

It's symptomatic of the same pathetic, limp-dicked, brainless hypocrisy that the very same people who screamed outrage at Obama and McCain for stating the damned obvious are the same hypocrites who continue to revere cloven-hooved bastard Henry Kissinger as an elder statesman. What is Kissinger's opinion of our (not so) precious fighting men and women? "Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy." Said he famously. (Link to this)

HERE'S RICKY (AGAIN)
March 3, 2007

Note: The McCain and Santorum elements may combine to form the intellectual equivalent of anti-matter.

Although he got his retarded ass handed to him in the midterms and lost his seat of 16 years, Ricky still has a thing or two to say about the upcoming Prez race. He said it's too early for him to endorse anyone for the Republican nomination (like anyone gives a fuck anyway), but did say "The only one I wouldn't support is McCain, I don’t agree with him on hardly any issues."

Maybe the grammatically-challenged ex-senator should get a job with Roger Ailes' F(oxymoron) News, that great Shady Pines retirement home for terminally dumb and corrupt ex pols of the brain-dead right... Oh. He did already. (Link to this)

THE BITCH OF BULLSHIT'S BLATHERING DE JOUR
March 2, 2007

"Even right-wingers who know that "global warming" is a crock do not seem to grasp what the tree-huggers are demanding. Liberals want mass starvation and human devastation." Ann Coulter

Sure, I only have myself to blame. Why read anncoulter.com for crying out loud? Because it's like finding a two-month-old carton of milk at the back of the fridge: You know it's going to stink so bad you'll retch, but the illogical side of human nature demands you take a quick sniff anyway.

"Forget the lunacy of people claiming to tell us the precise temperature of planet Earth in 1918 based on tree rings..." Coulter rails dumbly as he reveals his failure to grasp the kind of simple science any fifth grader who's ever glanced at the Discovery Channel understands. So how about we forget the lunacy of wireless transmission of signals by modulation of electromagnetic waves too? Then, perhaps, Coulter could get the fuck off TV.

But for those of us who hate Mr Coulter so bad we'd like to see him torn limb from scrawny limb by starved Komodo Dragons, it's satisfying to know there are some people in the world ready to treat him with the disrespect he so richly deserves. Cue Adam Corolla who got pissed last year after Coulter was late calling in as a guest on his radio show:

ADAM CAROLLA: Ann Coulter, who was suppose to be on the show about an hour and a half ago, is now on the phone, as well. Ann?
ANN COULTER: Hello.
CAROLLA: Hi Ann. You’re late, babydoll.
COULTER: Uh, somebody gave me the wrong number.
CAROLLA: Mmm… how did you get the right number? Just dialed randomly — eventually got to our show? (Laughter in background)
COULTER: Um, no. My publicist e-mailed it to me, I guess, after checking with you.
CAROLLA: Ahh, I see.
COULTER: But I am really tight on time right now because I already had a —
CAROLLA: Alright, well, get lost.

I think I may be warming to Adam Corolla. He may be a marginally-irritating irk barely able to disguise his bitterness at playing second fiddle to a fat waste of air space, but he's clearly my kind of marginally-irritating irk barely able to disguise his bitterness at playing second fiddle to a fat waste of air space. (Link to this)

IT'S TRUE - PRODUCTIVITY IS UP UNDER BUSH
March 2, 2007

Afghan Opium Output at Record High

Afghanistan's opium production reached a record in 2006 and the drug trade is supporting the Taliban insurgency to overthrow the government of President Hamid Karzai, the U.S. State Department said. The country produced 5,644 metric tons of opium compared with 4,475 metric tons in 2005, the Bureau of International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs said in a report. Great job, Bushco™ in boosting our their economy. (Link to this)

'FURRY PORN' PERV-AYER BUSTED
March 2, 2007

Queens Man Sold Counterfeit Costumes for Cartoon Sex Freaks

Julio Quevedo, 43, faces jail time for selling costumes of popular cartoon characters to undercover investigators posing as fetishists into "furry porn," cops said yesterday.

"Furry porn" involves people dressing up in costumes or parts of costumes and having sex. Investigators were offered dozens of costumes, including Barney, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine, the Tasmanian Devil and Scooby-Doo.

"There is a whole subculture engaged in that kind of activity," said one law enforcement source. "It certainly was different." You got that right. (Link to this)

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