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DEATH OF THE PERSIAN MULLET
April 30, 2007

Iran Bans Western Haircuts and Tranny Brows for Men

Iranian police have warned barbers against offering Western-style hair cuts or plucking the eyebrows of male customers. Seems kinda harsh to ban cornrows, mullets and Jewfros - but I'm right behind them in banning eyebrow plucking. This dumb trend has been making otherwise regular dudes look like off-duty transvestite hookers for years and pisses me off.

A man should have no truck with manscaping unless he has a gay porn movie lined up or he's Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. Please, dudes, let your hairs grow freely and obnoxiously as nature intended. And, if your chick bitches, she's obviously a lesbian. (Link to this)

Approval Rate Lowest Since Inauguration

Bush's approval rating slipped to new lows in the most recent Harris Interactive survey. Of the 1,001 American adults polled online April 20-23, only 28% had a positive view of Durr Fuehrer's job performance - down from 32% in February. The current rating is his weakest ever.

I have full confidence in the capabilities of George W. Bush... to beat the historic lows of Truman and Nixon - 22 and 23% respectively - sometime before 2008 and go down in history as the most unpopular president ever. (Link to this)

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, ESE
April 27, 2007

Utah Republican Blames the Devil for Mexicans

Utah County GOP Chairwoman Marian Monnahan says District 65 Chairman Don Larsen's resolution - asserting that illegal immigration is the devil's plan to destroy the nation by "stealth invasion" - is in now way endorsed by the Republican Party. Except, of course, by the swathe of nutjobs who will take notice of Larsen's clinically schizophrenic rhetoric and give him their votes. And there is precedent: last year, John Jacob also blamed the devil for when he failed to get elected in Utah.

Seems Satan's a good catch-all for almost anything. But he never gets credit for catastrophes with body counts attached like 9-11, the Iraq war or Hurricane Katrina. According to the headbanging fundies, these things are God's work. Undoubtedly, God will also get the credit for the device "configured in such a way to cause serious bodily injury or death" police just found planted at the Austin Women's Health Center. Strange how fundie Satan starts to look much less of an asshole than fundie God. Or is that just the devil making me think that? (Link to this)

REPUBLICAN MIND SET? STILL ON FUCK YOU
April 25, 2007

Want an apology for slavery? Fuck you. Want your constitutionally protected freedoms back? Fuck you...

Rudy Giuliani (in drag) and Donald Trump (in state of guilty arousal) vie for supremacy in New York's most ridiculous wig smackdown.

That disaster-opportunist tranny and presidential hopeful has wrapped himself in the flag (as opposed to his more usual choice item of old lady couture) and gone on the offensive against the Democrats. Giuliani issued a stark warning Tuesday evening that Democrats would put the country on defense in the campaign against terrorism. "If one of them gets elected, it sounds to me like we're going on the defense," he said. "We've got a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq... We're going to try to cut back on the Patriot Act. We're going to cut back on electronic surveillance. We're going to cut back on interrogation. We're going to cut back, cut back, cut back."

So what's the inference here? What we really need to do is pump up the Patriot Act, increase electronic surveillance, beef up interrogation/torture and go on the offensive... Against the American people. [We've been a very naughty country, Rudy, please spank us some more... Ooh you like that... don't you bitch..?]

In other 'fuck you' news, the Alabama state House and Senate just approved resolutions apologizing for slavery. Alabama Dem Mary Moore said "It's been a long time coming." Fair enough. If I were a black Alabaman, I might appreciate this token nod to inclusiveness and feel a little more represented by a body that at least feels guilty about fucking with my ancestors. But can you imagine anything more calculated to infuriate a cuntservative?

Even this symbolic, no-sweat-off-your-balls effort is a bridge too far for them. "What I have a problem with is apologizing for something I didn't do." Said Republican Representative Jay Love with all the self-centered prickishness of a whining toddler. There you have it. The Republican mindset. (Link to this)

DUMB STUFF
April 23, 2007

"I am El Diablo... muhahahaa!" Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda of the Growing in Grace church.

If you got a badly spelled, no-letterhead fax sent to you from a local grocery store purporting to be from the Kentucky Supreme Court demanding that a violent prisoner be released, what would you do? If you worked at the Kentucky Correctional & Psychiatric Center, you'd let him go. "It's outrageous that it happened," said Fulton County Attorney Rick Major. "I'm just glad nobody got hurt because he's dangerous."

In other news, Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda calls himself the Antichrist, wears a 666 tattooed on his arm and is leader of the Growing in Grace church with a 24-hour Spanish-language television network and a radio program broadcast on 287 stations. So the Antichrist is alive and well... And living in Florida (where else?) The Guatemalan government is currently trying to stop him entering the country for a rally because "he provokes conflict with Roman Catholics and evangelicals." At least he's doing something right then. (Link to this)

BEWARE THE "WELL-DONE" MULLET
April 21, 2007

Mulleted Sex Pervert Strikes at Princeton

More on mullets at Hairfinder.com. More on perversion everywhere else on the Web.

A pervert was chased off after being caught sneaking pictures of the Princeton men's lacrosse and track teams "in various states of undress."

The suspect was described as having a "well-done mullet and had a hat on, and he had a handlebar moustache" which certainly ups the hilarity ante somewhat. What the hell is a 'well-done' mullet anyway? (Link to this)

WELCOME BACK TO THE 1700s
April 20, 2007

Jeezuzlanders Cite Satanic Influence as Cause of Virginia Tech Massacre

The combined forces of dumbassery - Fox News and Oral Roberts University - are blaming Satan. Amazing to think that it's 2007 and people are still spouting this kind of embarrassing crap:

Was Cho Seung-Hui schizophrenic … psychotic … manic-depressive? Or were the shooting deaths of 32 people, including Cho himself, at Virginia Tech University part of the ongoing struggle between God and Satan … good against evil … lightness and darkness?

Could Cho have been possessed by the Devil? Could that explain the massacre at Virginia Tech?

Dr. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, shouts an unequivocal "Yes!" "Based on what I’ve seen in the news," Roberts said in an interview, "there’s no doubt that this act was Satanic in origin."

Based on what I’ve seen in the news, there's no doubt that this act was pissed-off Korean guy in origin... But, of course, Roberts' blathering is intended more as PR to boost the numbers at his American Taliban Madrassa. There's nothing like old school oogah-boogah to make charismatics richer. After all, no-one could really be as stupid as this sounds and be considered even a fake academic. (Link to this)

IDIOT'S GUIDE TO COMMON SENSE
April 18, 2007

Chapter 1: Gun Control Increases Crime

Wingnuts are keen to say that the US would spiral down into crime-sodden chaos were it not for our God-given right to bear arms. Take England for example says Thomas Sowell at Capitalism Magazine where gun laws are stricter. "While England has not yet reached the American level of murders, it has already surpassed the United States in rates of robbery and burglary." Says Sowell. Not yet reached the American level? When you are nearly nine times more likely to be murdered in the US than in the UK, you could say that, but you'd certainly be indulging in a big, fat orgy of intellectual dishonesty.

The overall US crime rate is currently 416.7 per 100,000. In the UK, it's 2,490. Sure it's a shitty choice, but isn't 6 times more likely to be the victim of any other random crime still better than 9 times more likely to be murdered?

Don't get me wrong, I think guns rock too (though getting shot, not so much...). Have your guns, please, but quit pretending they make the world a better place. (Link to this)

THE McCAINISM: A WHOLE NEW GENRE OF DICKISHNESS
April 18, 2007

John Douchebag McCain: Yet to offend Latvian unicyclists... but he's working on it.

Any false statement calculated to deliberately offend as many different groups as possible shall hereafter be known as "a McCainism." The kamikaze sock puppet who said Baghdad was like Indiana in the summertime is a virtuoso at both lying like a motherfucker and spewing rock-headed tactlessness. These are the essential components of a classic McCainism.

This new genre of dickishness was aired yesterday when McCain weighed in with his reaction to the Virginia Tech massacre. Here are statements by Clinton, Edwards, Obama, Giuliani and McCain. Can you spot the McCainism?

A: "As a parent, I am filled with sorrow for the mothers and fathers and loved ones struggling with the sudden, unbearable news of a lost son or daughter, friend or family member."

B: ""We are simply heartbroken by the deaths and injuries suffered at Virginia Tech."

C: "Today, we are a grieving and shocked nation. Violence has once again taken too many young people from this world."

D: "A day of national tragedy, when we lost some of our finest to a senseless act."

E: "I do believe in the constitutional right that everyone has, in the Second Amendment to the Constitution, to carry a weapon."

Just for the record, it's E... McCain's brain: the place where common sense goes to slash its wrists. (Link to this)

32 DEAD, AMERICA STILL GAY FOR GUNS
April 17, 2007

Gun nuts gettin' 'em young...

Americans are unique for their fetishistic attitude to guns. Nowhere else on the planet do people get so obsessive about their Freudian penis substitutes and consider the right to bear arms the be-all and end-all of individual liberty.

Sure, the First Amendment right to bear arms in the face of government excess made sense back in the 1700s when the worst that could be envisioned were wigged stormtroopers marching onto your homestead bearing blunderbusses. But today's gun nut conspiracy theorists seem blissfully unaware that our government has moved on to death rays to fricassee you from five miles away and machines to short-circuit your brain with microwaves as you hunker down with your precious semi-automatic. The Second Amendment is now meaningless because they won't let you have brain-frying ray guns and bunkerbuster bombs too. The anti-big government cold war has been lost. So why should everyone else have to risk getting caught in the crossfire in their philosophical last stand against the one-world-government lizard people?

Personally, I'd value a surer freedom not to get shot by deranged gun nuts way more than my freedom to pursue unfulfilled fantasies of driving round with an AK47 hanging in the back of my Honda. Maybe that makes me unAmerican... unlike the very American tragedy at Virginia Tech.

So what's the gun nut solution to the problem? How could the carnage have been avoided? Well, durr... more guns. (Link to this)

LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE GUTLESS DICTATORSHIP
April 13, 2007

Treasury Department Black List: Latest Nail in Freedom's Well-nailed Coffin

File under "what freedom?" or, alternatively, more fun from the freedom-mangling authoritarians... A country founded on liberty is being slowly choked by a bunch of light-weight Himmlers who treat 1984 like a blueprint. And who cares?

Maybe if you were to be fined $10 million or jailed for 30 years for unknowingly doing business with anyone on the Treasury Department's new 250-page list of "Specially Designated Nationals and Blocked Persons" you might care. Or maybe if you have a similar name to anyone on the list and find you're unable to get credit you might similarly give a shit. And just to prove how scrupulously researched and maintained the current (updated March 30, 2007) list is, you could still get in serious shit were you to consider doing business with Saddam Hussein.

A report by the Lawyers' Committee for Civil Rights of the San Francisco Bay Area issued on March 27, finds "anyone who does business with a person or group on the list risks penalties of up to $10 million and 10 to 30 years in prison, a powerful incentive for businesses to comply. The law's scope is so broad and guidance so limited that some businesses would rather deny a transaction than risk criminal penalties." In other words, if your name's Muhammad, forget applying for a mortgage. (Link to this)

IMUS' GOLDEN MOMENTS
April 13, 2007

Even Geriatric Racist Blowhards Can Have Them...

Who could have seen it coming? Don Imus' 1974 album now fetching $100 on eBay

As Crypt Keeper look-alike Don Imus is wheeled away to broadcasting Jurassic Park, it would be easy to dismiss the old twat as... err... an old twat. But in our haste to judge, let us not forget some of the old twat's more lucid moments. Imus once referred to Rush Limbaugh as "a fat, pill-popping loser" and to 60 Minutes' Lesley Stahl as "a gutless, lying weasel." And, of course, hats off for calling Tucker Carlson "a bowtie-wearing pussy" and Joe Barton (R-TX) "a lying fat little skunk from Texas." (Link to this)

AMERICA: AN EXPENSIVE HABIT
April 12, 2007

According to economic columnist Mike Whitney, Bushco's America is running on unsustainable credit and due for a crash. What's interesting is the economo-trivia fact that "presently, we need more than $2 billion of foreign investment per day just to keep the wheels from coming off the cart." For 'foreign investment' read 'selling shit off.' Ain't fiscal conservatism grand? (Link to this)

MAN WITH WORLD'S CRAPPIEST JOB SAYS...
April 11, 2007

"It should be fun, but so far there is no fun."
Hamoud Mohsen al-Yacoubi, Iraqi tourism board director

Contrary to what John Douchebag McCain would have you believe, Baghdad is not the perfect vacation spot. Unless you have a couple of battalions of troops and a few Blackhawks at your disposal, I hear it sucks.

Iraqi tourism board director? And I always thought the guys who write musical scores for pornos had the most underappreciated and pointless jobs ever. (Link to this)

KARL ROVE PELTED BY STUDENTS...
April 4, 2007

...Sean Hannity gets three-weeks bitching material

Karl Rove received a less than friendly send off following a speech at Washington's American University Tuesday evening. KSDK.com [couldn't be bothered to look up where they're at, but it's only 42° there today] reported "As he was leaving after a speech to a group of College Republican, Rove was surrounded by a group of student protesters. Witnesses say the group pelted Rove with bottles and other debris as he made his way to his car."

OK, wake me up when they're throwing grenades... up til then, it's just nature taking its course. Couldn't help wondering if the "group of College Republican" was really a typo or just a statement of fact. What kind of chihuahua-brained spastic would want to piss away their prime party years signing up for the stick-up-the-ass pedophile fan club otherwise known as the college Republican(s) anyway? (Link to this)

BUSHMAN TURNS
April 4, 2007

Bush Strategist Jumps Ship After Son is Mobilized for Iraq

Matthew Dowd, the chief architect of President Bush's 2004 reelection campaign, admitted Sunday that his son will soon be deployed to Iraq - an event that has changed his thinking on the war and the president. Antiwar activists have long taken the position that if the chicken hawk pricks in power actually risked their own children in the fight, maybe they would pound their syncopated war drums a tad more softly. The theory would seem to hold true in this instance.

Dowd was partly responsible for painting John Kerry (D-Mass.) as a "flip-flopper" on the war but told the New York Times Sunday that Kerry was right on the war, according to Raw Story.

He was appointed Bush's chief campaign strategist in 2004. He now says his faith in Bush was "misplaced." (Link to this)

HERE KOMES THE KLAN
April 4, 2007

KKK Join Minuteman Protest. Again.

Minutemen not always so bashful about hanging out with Nazis in California.

An illegal-immigration protest in Rancho Cucamonga, CA, organized by the Minuteman Project on Saturday morning was foiled by the arrival of local Ku Klux Klan members. "We don't approve of standing anywhere near the KKK - they're not with us." Said Minuteman Project National Rally spokesman Raymond Herrera whose 40-strong posse decided to quit after the Klan showed up to offer moral support. [Please refer to picture above for proof of Herrera's disapproval of racists and Nazis.]

The only thing surprising about this whole "when racist pricks collide" story is that they actually still have the Klan in Orange County. (Link to this)

KEITH RICHARDS SNORTS DAD
April 4, 2007

"I was No. 1 on the 'who’s likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list." So said living dinosaur Keith Richards in a recent interview. When asked what the strangest thing he ever snorted was, Keith replied "I snorted my father... He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive." (Link to this)

CIVIL RIGHTS, CATHOLIC-STYLE
April 1, 2007

Artist Cosimo Cavallaro - maker of mixed-media weirdnesses such as beds full of ham and armchairs made of cheese - has had his sculpture "My Sweet Lord" pulled by the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in New York. Why? Because it's a life-size naked Jesus made entirely of chocolate. Who blackmailed the owners into dropping the piece by organizing a boycott? Why none other than the hilariously named Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights.

Irony? Yes. Especially given that the CLRCR is now refusing to call off the boycott, even though they got what they wanted, because the gallery's creative director accused them of organizing a 'fatwa.' Way to show you're not really a bunch of freedom-hating fatwa-mongers. (Link to this)

DORK NATION
April 1, 2007

Israel Launches MySpace Page: From Rogue State to Dork Nation in a Single Click

According to its profile on MySpace, Israel is a single female, 58 years old, a Taurus, who lives in Jerusalem. She is not listed as "in a relationship." Sorry, GW, that must sting.

Israel's official MySpace page was launched in January under the direction of officials from the Foreign Ministry. An official mentions that the Philippines also now has its own MySpace page, adding excitedly, "They're one of our friends, too."

Heartwarming to see a young nation so excited and uncynical... fluffier than convoys of bombed Lebanese refugees any day. (Link to this)

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