This does not make him a whistleblower. It makes him a c***. Although Scott McClellan has become some kind of fair weather liberal cause celebre after slamming his old boss and being all over the news notworks like a repentant confessor, the only awkward question being gently broached is "why did you wait so long?" But that's one hell of a big awkward question. That's the one question that should be being yelled relentlessly into his fat face at every opportunity. He should be given no quarter by the likes of Keith "Hair Check" Olbermann and Arianna Huffington because for him to portray himself as some kind of crusading whistle blower is an insult to our collective intelligence and proof that 'once a professional lying sack of shit, always a professional lying sack of shit.'

This doughy shyster might claim unconvincingly he was not privy to the dark chicanery of the Bush-Cheney heyday. He might say he truly believed Bush was lying to the public in order to start a genocidal war for only the best of reasons... but he was with the program and for him to suggest otherwise stretches credulity beyond the laws of astrophysics. Hell, anyone at home with a TV and cognitive skills slightly beyond those of an average coffee table knew well what was going on from day one. But McClellan had no idea? Yeh right. Listening to this delusional crap is like listening to John Wayne Gacy's neighbor say "well, yeah, I saw him burying all them dead kids in his backyard... but I liked the guy... I had no reason to think he was doing anything wrong."

Perhaps, if he'd been blowing whistles back in 2003 instead of smoke, McClellan might have saved several hundred thousand lives and spared us the bankrupting of America. Maybe not... But wouldn't it have been considered imperative by anyone as ethical as Scott McLellan now pretends to be? (Link to this)

Not too sure by what thought process the legal definition of 'deviant' is arrived at. But I'm guessing it would be based on a statistical deviation from the majority as opposed to just discriminating against boinking practices that middle America find icky or Satanically inspired. And, if it is true that sexual democracy is the logical arbiter of what we consider deviant, what should we now make of the fact that there are fewer American heterosexuals around today who won't put out orally than there are gay people?

I'd say you denizens of Jeezuzland must now refrain from calling anyone else deviant because, if you refuse to go downtown, it's you that's the deviant. If you think skin flautism and its sister arts of rug munching are wrong, you're the freak. It's you who's now bucking the trend and it's you who should now be oppressed mercilessly by the normalcy fascists for your errant lifestyle. How does that feel?

Now it's not the pierced barista in your local Starbucks with the funny walk you should be calling a pervert. It's not the sofa-assed dykes with the flattops or those Burt Reynolds-looking dudes with Mike Tyson voices or any other stereotypes that infuriate you. It's you, Churchy. The joy of sex irony! (Link to this)

Say what?! Now even lapsed KKK member Robert Byrd has come out for Obama. This guy voted against civil rights in the 60s, voted no to almost every black government and Supreme Court appointee and was casually throwing around the word 'nigger' in conversation with journalists as recently as 2001... but even he is backing America's first black prez. So what the f*** is up with the dip-chewing pinheads in Kentucky still stubbornly supporting Clinton like they're fighting the last days of the civil war? (Link to this)

But no such metaphorical lameness for one poor bastard in Canada who tussled with a grizzly recently:

After the bear got bored and left, Case then drove 15 miles to the closest town to seek help. He finally reached a gas station and asked the attendant to call for an ambulance. "I think my brains are hanging out," he said. (Link to this)

We've had eight full years of Bush's domestic bullshit steeped in various flavors of 'malarkey'. But now he's going international with his 'tardo rhetoric by likening the American Democratic party to a bunch of Nazi-appeasing surrender monkeys. Does Bush think we're just one big West Virginia so terrifed of a President 'Hoo-sain" that we'll swallow this infantile crap? Man, this is very insulting if you aren't stupid or, like Clinton and McA-hole, busy hopping up on truck beds carnival-barking for stupid votes.

Our stupid people really are way too powerful and exert a grotesquely dispropportionate influence over who gets to run the country. Example 1: George W. Bush. Example 2: The great hoo-hah surrounding Biden's 'bullshit' slam that turned out to be somewhat less than great. Why? Because the stupid people and the media that reflect, succour and perpetuate the all-pervasive dumbgeist, were not interested.

Sure, a few wingnuts might have bitched about Biden, the MSM might have circle-jerked over his sound bite for a while, but the 'bullshit' that spewed forth from Durr Fuehrer's dumb gob has remained largely unaddressed. Because, thanks to the influence of the stupid demographic and the McNews media networks created in their own image, this is what happens. They just fixate on sound bites - like Jeremiah Wright's "God damn America" or Joe Biden's "bullshit" - and completely ignore the large, obvious issues surrounding them. So Bush's shameful and revolting equation is allowed to stand unchallenged while only Biden's potty mouth becomes a news issue.

So, for the benefit of West Virginians, and anyone else who never paid attention to history, let's explore the massive irony of a guy whose family built a fortune appeasing Hitler attacking the Democrats who actually dragged America reluctantly into WWII.

History inconveniently records that FDR faced massive opposition from American conservatives (e.g., the Morgan family, the Rockerfellers, Henry Ford, Ayn Rand, William Borah, Robert Taft, Charles Lindbergh, the America First Committee and Bush's grandaddy Prescott) who much preferred the idea of doing business with Hitler instead of fighting him. For (inconvenient) example:

And conservatives went even further in their appeasement of Hitler - they actually wanted to copy him. In 1933, their was a coup attempt by "some of the most famous families in America, (owners of Heinz, Birds Eye, Goodtea, Maxwell Hse & George Bush’s Grandfather, Prescott) who believed that their country should adopt the policies of Hitler to beat the great depression." But within Bush's shoddy rhetorical construct the Democrats are the ones with the history of appeasement???

With history in mind, Bush's idiotic comments are off the dial in terms of chutzpah. But as anyone in West Virginia will tell you, history doesn't matter when it's all about stopping "Hoo-sain." (Related: TURD-POLISHING AND LIES) (Link to this)

A Japanese council employee was investigated after complaints about his productivity. The investigation found that he had visited more than 750,000 porn sites in nine months. This works out at almost 10,000 pages a day, or more than 20 each minute he was at his desk.

By comparison, my daily average is pretty amateurish. I bow to the Samurai of Smut... the Knuckle Action Ninja... the Hand Solo Sensei err... Any other alliterative Japanese/masturbation crossover names come to mind, please drop me a line. (Link to this)

Was it on Iraq? Was it about the economy? Was it about any of the myriad other subjects he knows next to nothing about? Nope...

"You called your wife a what? Oh that's nothing... I get called that all the time."

Marty Parrish, a 45-year-old Baptist minister and technology business owner, attended a recent presidential candidate forum in order to ask John McCain an important question:

For my money, the best part is "There's people here who don't respect that kind of language." Respect' seems an odd choice of word. But at least there's something on which McA-hole and Fried Wire can agree: I have nothing but the utmost respect for that magnificent epithet. (Link to this)

Case #1

A Dallas area mouth-breather was charged with unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana while attempting to cash a $360 billion forged check.

Case #2

An Antarctic fur seal has been observed trying to have sex with a king penguin. After 45 minutes the seal gave up, swam into the water and then completely ignored the bird it had just assaulted, scientists report. (Link to this)

Cue Chopin's Piano sonata Funeral March, Op.35, no.2... Fried Wire is bitter, despairing and done. It's been a wild ride. If you're OK with 'wild' as a synonym for 'angry as f***'...

So where are we with that never-ending trench warfare election? Let's see... We have the media all over Obama about anyone of uncertain flag pin pedigree he might have said 'hi' to at any time during the past 40 years. We have every intern, researcher and Clinton proxy painstakingly scanning every online byte of Obama data for more damaging evidence of his ethno-political dangerousness... But Clinton and McA-hole? Perhaps Roger (what) Ailes (us) and the other low-rent William Randolph Hearsts of the McNews networks are just stockpiling that dirt to dish up later on whoever emerges as frontrunner. Or perhaps they're not.

Perhaps the vicious media jerks really don't care. Perhaps they don't give a monkey-in-a-bow-tie's ass about Clinton's current association with a religious cult that uses Hitler as a role model. Perhaps they could care less about McA-hole's current mutual endorsement by and of the God-hates-homos nazi who saw Hurricane Katrina as God's own gay holocaust (homocaust?).

So as the media will doubtless stay busy for quite some time hurling crap at Obama, let me offer the following reminders of stuff that should righteously bite Clinton and McA-hole in their whithered asses as they stagger into the post-Obama campaigning phase:

The media's obsession with screwing over Obama for his past "anti-American" associations while ignoring the genuine anti-American quacks currently associated with the other candidates, is infuriating. But the largest and most depressing issue is the way they've molded the race for the White House into just another feeble-minded farce with scarcely a nod to anything of substance, relevance or import. So I say f*** us all if we're so damn' stupid to let them get away with it... I say dump democracy now and bring back that monarchical autocracy we not-so-secretly seem to crave. But am I being overly harsh? Isn't it the media's fault not ours after all? I don't think so.

Case in point: I watched Suzanne Malveaux, that cow-eyed CNN journo who mistakes looking depressed for gravitas, do one of her in-depth chats with Michelle Obama the other night. And I felt more bitter than a midwestern gun enthusiast going to church... Like all those woman-to-woman fireside interviews, it was hyped by CNN as an open-heart exploration but came on more like a self-administered colonoscopy. Malveaux's every question was a stubborn reprise of that tired Reverend Wright riff. And every one of Obama's answers was a polite but frustrated refrain that went something like "let's just shut up about this inconsequential crap and talk about what's important to the American people." But Malveaux just kept on playing the same chord and putting the same fatuous question to her again and again. Then it occurred to me: we can't keep blaming the media for f***ing up the country, they only do this s*** because it's what we want from them.

The news media only do what makes for good ratings in those fleeting breaks between the Bow Flex and boner pill ads. And what makes for good ratings is simply gauging the zeitgeist, validating our irrational gripes, fears and prejudices and talking the trash we want to hear anyway. After all, 'give the people what they want' is business 101 and the news networks are businesses like any other (except, perhaps, more crappy and disengenuous in nature). Even an über-right media nabob like Rupert Murdoch is willing to back-burner his wingnut opinions at the drop of a dime, stick on a Mao pin and suck up to the commies in China to make bank. So if we hadn't really wanted them to turn the Democratic primary into the low-rent bitch fest it became, they would have done something else instead. But this build-'em-up, knock-'em-down garbage is exactly what we want and, consequently, what makes for profitable ratings.

So after four years of Fried Wire, I'm now at the verge of giving it all up and starting a blog about puppies or vintage electronics or something instead. There is nothing witty, caustic or satirical anyone could reasonably be expected to say about what The Sheeple's Republic of America has become. It would be like cracking wise about retarded kids who blow snot bubbles when they try to think. Or like making more of my Stephen Hawking comedic analogies like "like Stephen Hawking in a break-dance competition..." ("Ha ha. Eez funny because he is paralyzed and cannot break dance...")

Really, people, we got handed Obama on a plate as the first sane, competent prospective president since Eisenhower (yeh, screw Clinton, he's way blown his retroactive cool). Fate just gave us the first president the rest of the world would not take as evidence of our unredeemable stupidity and the first candidate able to offer solutions instead of more of the same platitudinous BS... and what did we do? I'm so angry and despairing at this point, it's as if America is a room I just want to walk out of and slam the door behind me in a big "I'm so disappointed with you" hissy fit.

Fried Wire started as a small, sarcastic voice sticking it to the Bush dictatorship and it's various nutjob enablers. But now, We The People have our first real chance to break free of this miserable experiment in American totalitarianism and we just blow it like a 10 dollar whore. Lay off the crappy media: the real enemy is us and I can find nothing entertaining or witty to say about that.

So... again I say f*** us all and good luck with President McA-hole's 4 more years of home foreclosures, dead kids in uniform and everyone praying we don't get sick because we can't get health insurance. (Link to this)