HOMO RELIGIOUSMANIACUS

October 22, 2008

New fossil discoveries have been published in a "Journal of Human Evolution" article showing how Texas was home to pre-human 'missing links' for much longer than anywhere else. (Homo Redneckus? Homo Secondamendmentus? Homo Doublewideus..?)

More than 43 million years ago, when tropical forests and active volcanoes covered Texas, primates chose to live there in preference to cooler northern climates according to new fossil evidence. This means that pre-humans were still going strong in Texas after they'd died out elsewhere or been out-evolved. Even in Oklahoma.

The irony? If the Texas Board of Education head gets his way, there won't be much discussion about this. Dan McLeroy, famous fundie and champion of Young Earth Creationism (a.k.a., the Flintstones Hypothesis), says the earth is only a few thousand years old and that evolution didn't happen. Maybe, in Texas, it really didn't. (Link to this)

October 22, 2008

Bored with the election? Try some of today's best pervert stories instead...

Vanderburgh County Sheriff's deputies recently answered a call about a naked guy hanging out near a playground and found "binoculars, sex toys, male enhancement drugs, lotions, a small dog and bags of cotton candy" in his car.

"We're not saying what was going on, but it sure does send up some red flags for us," says Sheriff Eric Williams. Top marks for detective skills, Columbo.

Less... err... ambiguous was the case of a Michigan man busted at a car wash with his dick in a vacuum cleaner.

Sometimes speculating about the back story is more fascinating than the story itself. Did his vacuum at home stop putting out? How many quarters would you need to achieve climax when it costs approximately $1,750 to clean a one-foot square area of your car floor with a typical carwash coin-op vac? What part of the penal code would cover this violation anyway? (Link to this)

WHO'S WITH STUPID?

October 21, 2008

Flailin' Palin failin' on whalin'. Suck on that super-rhymey headline, MSM...

That miserable, puerile, bitter McPalin campaign just keeps rolling on... Like some kind of vicious, lumbering beast it snarls, spews disease-ridden mucus from every orifice, but stubbornly refuses to lay down and die.

The campaign (i.e., the Palin-led charm offensive on the base that has all the subtlety of an angry tug job from a gorilla), is probably the most transparently moron-friendly electoral effort ever. They've lowered the political bar so much it may now actually be buried alongside Nixon. These idiots represent nothing. They say nothing and they say it as loudly and as objectionably as possible. I know the world is not fair (and so these people exist). But it's not perversely unfair either (so there's no way on God's green earth that they can win).

What do they stand for? McA-hole's 'beliefs' of convenience are changed more often than Rush Limbaugh's sweat-soaked polo shirts so it's hard to say. And Palin? Like the finger sniffers and knuckle draggers she rabble rouses, she is certifiably too dumb to believe in anything except the Bible. And even that she subjects to radical exegesis so she can turn it into some kind of self-justifying hate manifesto.

Palin's fringe popularity must be the result of her personifying that old Madonna/whore dichotomy that appeals to the troglodytes of her 'Real America'. Don't believe me? Watch her testify in her lunatic church. Then close your eyes and try to imagine her in clear heels making out with a pole to Whitesnake. It's not much of a jump is it? And it's just how 'Real America' likes its ladies.

Now, as if Palin wasn't working hard enough to repel the reasonable with everything she talks about, she's also treating ecology with typical red state Nihilism. She blocked Bush putting polar bears on the endangered list (they're not shrinking, they've just been in the pool) and she just failed in her attempts to do the same for Beluga Whales. Damn. She makes Bush look like a treehugger???

When you give less of a f*** about ecology than the smirking Neoconmeister himself, you may as well pull on your panda skin coat, top up your asbestos Hummer with high-octane leaded plutonium and drive out of town hitting as many small animals as you can along the way. Could Palin actually be Satan? (Link to this)

VOTER FRAUD FRAUDS

October 20, 2008

Damn. I'm sick to f***ing death of this election. I'm sick of detailing the moronic excesses of the McPalin herd and I'm sick of writing about old man McCain's latest and most desperate flip-flop or strategic u-turn. But then it still compels... it's like having a crack habit. Except dumber. So where's that pipe..?

Maybe the best visual metaphor yet for the mood of the respective campaigns?

Republican noisemakers have been making much of the yawn-worthy non-issue of voter registration fraud. Or, as they erroneously prefer to call it, voter fraud. Remember the difference: The studious exclusion of the word 'registration' (as practiced by Bushco, McCain, Palin and their regional nabobs when speaking publicly on the subject) implies that there is a problem where none really exists. It's the difference between the starting lineup of the Dallas Cowboys football team voting 70 times in Washoe county or not. Or the difference between a genuine issue and another bunch of bullshit.

But there has been one arrest so far in connection with voter registration fraud. And he's a Republican. The Sacramento-based Young Political Majors (YPM) was hired by the GOP to induct new Republican voters outside supermarkets at a rate of $7 - $12 a head. Now YPM owner Mark Jacoby has been arrested after fraudulently registering himself to vote at a California address where he no longer lives in order to meet the legal requirement that signature gatherers be eligible to vote in California.

So it's Republicans not lumpen-lovin' Dems who are first to the court room under voter registration fraud charges? Tell that to McCain and Palin next time they start prattling about ACORN. And there's more:

"Dozens of newly minted Republican voters say they were duped into joining the party by a GOP contractor [YPM] with a trail of fraud complaints stretching across the country. Voters contacted by The Times said they were tricked into switching parties while signing what they believed were petitions for tougher penalties against child molesters. Some said they were told that they had to become Republicans to sign the petition, contrary to California initiative law. Others had no idea their registration was being changed."

The LA Times randomly interviewed 46 of the hundreds of voters whose election records show they were recently re-registered as Republicans by YPM, and 37 of them – more than 80% – said that they were misled into making the change or that it was done without their knowledge."

Early voters in West Virginia are also complaining that electronic voting machines are flipping votes from Obama to McCain. Said one voter "I pushed buttons and they all came up Republican, I hit Obama and it switched to McCain. I am really concerned about that. If McCain wins, there was something wrong with the machines."

Election officials in the Republican-controlled precincts in question are helpfully suggesting there is no problem and that it's just something to do with Democrat voters being stupid. "People make mistakes more than machines," said Jackson County Clerk Jeff Waybright.

Can they really get away with this banana republic crap a third time? Will America's obsession with convenience once more forgive the GOP's efforts to take the decision making work out of voting? Hopefully, Obama's legal challenges and appeals to the feds ahead of time will minimize suppression efforts and the impact of the ACORN decoy issue. But with many positing the Bradley Effect as an explanation in advance for disappearing Obama votes and a surprise McCain win (i.e., a convenient explanation that would have nothing to do with fixed voting machines or GOP voter suppression), we should be aware that we are living in scarily undemocratic times. (Link to this)

VEEP PORN

October 15, 2008

"You're in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling. ... God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya! ... Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know"
Sarah Palin to horny sunbed salesman in Larry Flynt's new porno "Nailin' Paylin"

Salient stats:

50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography. (Source)

Obama leads McCain 51% to 42%. (Source)

Thank God for Larry Flynt. In a society so f***ed around with by Jeezuz freaks and neofascist theocrats, it's good to see healthy sickness still lives. The only bad news about Hustler's new Palin-themed porno flick? It features a three-way between Palin, Clinton and Condoleezza Rice look-alikes which sounds way too much like the scenario of a bad 'shroom nightmare.

Fox News 'legal analyst' Mercedes Colwin was recently put on air to explore whether or not the movie was legal. After all, she non-reasoned, "Might there be some actual confusion to the non-educated mind out there?" Err... people dim enough to think the Republican vice-presidential candidate was really starring in a porno? I think those votes are safely in the bag for McCain already.

But, on second thought, run it past the campaign. I hear they're short on media budget and open to wild, desperate ideas. Maybe a Palin porno might be just the thing to wipe out Obama's ratings for his election-eve TV extravaganza and boost McA-hole's flaccid poll numbers. (Link to this)

A-KKK-ORN?

October 11, 2008

Florida pol compares Acorn to the KKK. Are Republicans determined to sink their own party or do they still believe all Americans are as stupid as their own base?

How could a a three-term Florida Republican say something as frenziedly stupid on TV as "I believe Acorn has violated more Americans' civil rights to have their vote counted than any group since the KKK" and not be laughed off the air?

Just a quick reminder to Tom Feeney and any other cuntservative finger sniffers who may be tempted to agree with him, Acorn was founded to help poor and minority citizens vote. They have pretty much the exact opposite mission statement to the KKK. So how the f*** does this crap even make sense to a wingnut? Are the Florida Rethugs preparing a new "Obama is a Nazi" strategy to push the buttons of the aged sun-baked heebs? Should we be braced for new attack ads comparing America's 'most liberal senator' and first viable black candidate with Germany's most... err... conservative chancellor? Man, how 'out of the box' those unburdened by shame, conscience or logic can work.

Meanwhile there really are numerous organizations around the country working proactively to stop poor and minority citizens voting. They're called the State governments of the six swing states of Colorado, Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Nevada and North Carolina. Any Republicans commenting on that? Anyone..? (Link to this)

THE MONSTER TURNS ON DOCTOR McFRANKENSTEIN

October 10, 2008

McCain gets booed by his own supporters for calling his opponent 'decent'? My, American conservatives sure make you proud.

The mob-pandering monster McA-hole unleashed in desperation seems to be turning so ugly that even the old douchebag himself is being forced to defend Obama against his own creation lest he be seen as condoning the most incendiary crap ever uttered out loud during a modern election campaign. Irony can be sweet.

At a rally today, the assembled knuckle-draggers booed when McA-hole said "I respect Senator Obama and his accomplishments."

Later on he fielded a question from the mob that began "I'm scared to bring up my child in a world where Barack Obama is president." After reassuring the questioner that "you don't have to be scared to have him be President of the United States," there was another fusillade of booing in McCain's direction.

But the low light of the event had to be when McCain was forced (by some residual sense of fair play?) to snatch back the microphone from a pinhead who started "I'm scared of Barack Obama... he's an Arab terrorist..."

"No, no ma'am," he interrupted. "He's a decent family man with whom I happen to have some disagreements." Jeez, the rotting corpse of the conservative revolution is stinking bad. It's now hard for even the most paranoid Obama supporter to worry at this point. McA-hole is headed for oblivion and must have a lengthy hit list of strategists to call c***s. (Link to this)

MY FELLOW PRISONERS: DUMB F***ING 'MERIKUNS

October 8, 2008

"Across this country this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners and the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent."
John McCain speaking in Allentown, Pennsylvania, October 8, 2008

On one side, we have the 'mavricks' and culture warriors - the kind of pinheads and finger sniffers who yell "kill him" when McCain's special ed veep gets 'em all fired up with 'Obama's a terrist' talk. Then, on the other side, the smug liberal elitists with their fancy dictionaries, triple-digit IQs and powers of reason uninhibited by generations of bigotry and/or inbreeding. Ain't 'Meriku grand... But how about the real world falling in outside of the culture war? What kind of calamitous, apocalyptic shit does it take for rich white guys to end up with ghetto FICA scores and a black man to be 11 points ahead in a presidential election???

• The Dow fell another 508 points today, closing at lowest point since September 2003.
• The Federal Reserve is poised to buy "massive amounts of short-term debt."
• Over the last 15 months, Americans' retirement plans have lost as much as $2 trillion.
• Bush's approval rating is down to a stunning 25%.
• Gallup also found that only 9% of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going in the country. That's the lowest total in the history of Gallup polls.
• 4180 US troops lives and $600 billion have been wasted in Iraq.
• The US national debt has just passed the $10 trillion mark and necessitated the redesign of the national debt clock face to accommodate the extra digits.

Factor in Iraq, Afghanistan, Katrina, torture, domestic espionage, 9-11 (no, that actually shouldn't be regarded as a plus on the resume), Dick Cheney remolding government in his own dark image, Guantanamo and the myriad other Bushco pratfalls... and wonder who can still be so dumb as to want to give them another chance. Oh, here they are:

(Link to this)

FASCISM WITH A SMILEY

October 3, 2008

Why do the people who speak most of 'smaller government' seem to most embody the spirit of the ultimate 'big government'? Take one police department gleefully celebrating the beat down of protesters in Denver and the continued existence of one hack TV big mouth... and get one more Fried Wire fascism alert.

As far as I know, America is still not a fascist country. So good news there. But the bad news? There are an uncomfortably large number of conservatives who seem unaware of this and would be more at home with fascism than democracy.

Exhibit A: Denver PD
The Recreate 68 Coalition, which organized several demonstrations during the DNC convention, has taken offense to the Denver cops selling commemorative t-shirts bearing the slogan "We get up early to beat the crowds. 2008 DNC."

"Recreate 68 organizer Glenn Spagnuolo called the shirt appalling and tasteless. Spagnuolo released a written statement Thursday saying members of the police union "clearly have no respect for the rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution.""

Could you really believe in a free society and still celebrate the premeditated beating of demonstrators exercising their constitutionally-guaranteed rights?

Exhibit B: Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly has won wingnut brownie points after unleashing one of his trademarked tantrums on Barney Frank. This childish, boorish, reflexive use of yelling is classic O'Reilly and classic fascism. If you don't believe your opponent has any right to hold a different opinion or, worse yet, speak of alternate and more accurate realities, it just makes you mad that they're talking. They must be made to shut up through the use of brute force (see: Dachau, Denver PD, Bill O'Reilly's vainglorious gob).

Like any good fascist, O'Reilly doesn't believe the rich (i.e., the people who actually owned the money that was being thrown around in Bushco's pre-crash playground) are in any way to blame for our financial calamity. Nope. Somehow it's all Barney Frank's fault and all we need to do to make everything straight again is yell at him until he runs away crying and/or resigns.

Shame it's a little more difficult than that. The financial crisis really obliges America's market fundamentalists and conservatives to examine their own beliefs and, if any still have a shred of honesty, to own up that they were wrong. No wonder McCain has preferred to go with erratic noncommittal and obfuscation instead of admitting that:

• Wealth does not/will not/has never been demonstrated to 'trickle down'.
• Deregulation does not create wealth, it only concentrates it in fewer hands by allowing monopolies to dominate.
• The market should not be allowed to do its own thing and carry the country's fortune on its whimsical back.
• Unquestioning deference to the rich (i.e., the conservative habit of ceding political authority to those with financial power) is just plain f***ing stupid.

But who wants to admit that the foundation of their entire political belief system is wrong? Who wants to admit that conservatism has become the gateway drug to fascism? No wonder they'd prefer to yell at Barney Frank instead. (Link to this)

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