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DEATH IN THE BUSH GULAGS
February 28, 2006

Nearly 100 prisoners have died in American custody during the "war on terror" in Iraq and Afghanistan since August 2002. According to figures obtained from the Pentagon in Washington by the Human Rights First organization, of the 98 deaths, at least 34 are suspected or confirmed murders with between 8-12 dying under torture.

Media response? Government response? House Democrats' response? Insert crickets sound FX here. (story) (Link to this)

FRIST PAID IN FULL?
February 28, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Will legislate for $$$

U.S. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said yesterday he's gained a "pretty good" comfort level with the deal under which a United Arab Emirates company would take over operations at six U.S. ports. (story)

This begs the obvious question: How many dollars make a 'comfort level' for Frist? More than the $873,000 paid to him by pharmaceutical companies to protect them from thimerosal lawsuits? More than the $2,000 he got from Abramoff? More than the $130,204 he got from the food-processing industry to block pesky new health regulations? Surely not more than the staggering $1.7 billion HCA, inc. has paid out to the feds in settlements to keep his ass out of jail?

But maybe Frist doesn't need any backhanders from the Arabs. After all, as Doug Ireland at pnhp.org says, "Frist was born rich, and got richer, thanks to massive criminal fraud by the family business." (Link to this)

MOST CORRUPT REPUBLICAN EVER? AND THE WINNER IS...
February 28, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

It looks like Randy 'Duke' Cunningham will finally clinch the hotly contested title of "All-time Biggest Crook in Congress." Prosecutors have said that "The length, breadth and depth of Cunningham's crimes are unprecedented for a sitting member of Congress." Way to go, Duke.

The California Republican's malfeasance was on such a massive scale that he even handed out his own bribe menus written on congressional note cards. One card showed a tariff for bribes starting at $140,000 and a luxury yacht for a $16 million Defense Department contract. (story)

But gargantuan bribe-taking is not the only string to this champion of the religious right's bow. Check out this fine character reference from the Unauthorized Randy "Duke" Cunningham Web page:

Before a group of elderly cancer patients in Alvarado Hospital, Mr. Cunningham made obscene remarks and gestures. After he said the defense budget was the lowest in 25 years, a member of the audience, Charles Cotton, a WW II veteran, commented that it was "not low enough." The embarrassed audience was shocked when Mr. Cunningham replied by giving Mr. Cotton the finger and said "fuck you."

See previous: The Face of Conservative Values: Another bent Rep expunged (Link to this)

JIHAD JACK: COMEDY TERRORIST?
February 28, 2006 (SYDNEY, Australia)

The story about the Australian guy imprisoned for hanging with al Qaeda is fascinating on many levels. Here are some of them:

• Joseph Thomas converted to Islam and changed his name by deed poll to Jihad before heading to Afghanistan in March 2001
• As a child, he was rejected as a ballet dancer for being too stocky
• He once joined a punk band called the Lobotomy Scars
• He met bin Laden several times and remembers him as "very polite and humble and shy. He didn't like too many kisses... he didn't mind being hugged but kisses he didn't like."

Thomas changed his mind about becoming an al Qaeda operative and returned to Australia where he now faces 25 years in jail. Eventually, his Irish-Australian genes won out: "I really love your religion but I really love my beer" he is quoted as saying. Could beer prove to be the decisive factor in defeating al Qaeda's goal of establishing a worldwide Caliphate? (story) (Link to this)

YOU'RE DOING A HECKUVA JOB, BUSHY
February 26, 2006

As the US economy continues to spiral down the toilet, Bushco continues to boast about just how great we're doing. His supporters may well echo the party line that all has never been better, but there are some people who might wonder what the fuck he's talking about:

• Try telling the 25 million Americans who use foodbanks:The Second Harvest food bank network reports a 9% growth in customers since 2001 not including those displaced by hurricanes Katrina and Rita.
• Try telling the fed: Their figures show the first recorded drop in share ownership since 1989.
• Try telling anyone with savings: Average net worth in the US grew by only 1.5% between 2001-2004 compared to 10.3% between 1998 and 2001.
• Try telling anyone who works for a living: Adjusted for inflation, US wages have fallen by 6.2% since 2001.
• Try telling the 45.8 million Americans with no health insurance - a rise of 3.2 million since 1999.
• And, lastly, try telling the economy: The US goods and services deficit in 2005 was $725.8 billion, the highest on record. (Link to this)

BLACK DAY FOR MORMONS
February 24, 2006

Mormon youth now free to get drunk and laid like normal kids?

The Book of Mormon, as dictated to Joseph Smith by the angel Moroni, claims that Native Americans are descended from a lost tribe of Israel known as the Nephites. But now the Jewish-Indian myth has been officially busted thanks to DNA research. (story)

With one of the most fundamental tenets of their faith now proven bogus, what will happen to the Mormon church? What are the implications for the bicycle manufacturing industry? Which religion will be embarrassed next?

Here are a few other religious myths Fried Wire would like to see busted:

Jehovah's Witnesses: Admit it - lions and small children will never coexist comfortably together.

Christians: According to John 3:16, God gave his only begotten Son "that whosoever believeth in him should not perish" not to provide you with an excuse to flog Ronald Reagan biographies and Bill O'Reilly books in the mall.

Muslims: Remind the infidel on a more frequent basis that the terms 'deranged psychotic' and 'servant of God' are still mutually exclusive terms under Islam.

Hindus: Elephant/human head transplants are medically impossible and ethically questionable.

Buddhists: No-one likes a smart ass. (Link to this)

WHAT WE NEED IS A GREAT BIG MELTING POT
February 24, 2006

Would-be apparel entrepeneur and 'face of Hanes underpants' Damon Wayans is currently engaged in a struggle with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to register his new brand name. Sadly for Wayans, laws prohibiting the registration of "immoral or scandalous" names may mean his 'Nigga' apparel line won't be hitting the racks at Macy's for a little while yet. (story)

Fried Wire, as a disciple of Blue Mink's 'Great Big Melting Pot' principle, is often troubled by the popularity of the 'N' word in both its 'er' and 'a' variants. Can't you call your clothes something more mellow Mr Wayans? Didn't your brothers already damage Blue Mink's noble vision enough with 'White Chicks?' (Link to this)

HOOKERS AND METH
February 24, 2006 (SMYRNA, Tennessee)

200,000 anti-meth flyers were sent out in Tennessee with an incorrect 800 helpline number printed on the back. Instead of hearing advice about kicking methamphetamine, callers were put through to a phone sex line and told that "hot girls" were waiting to meet them. The executive director of the Tennessee District Attorneys General Conference, which funded the direct-mail program, called it an "unfortunate mistake." (story)

It's funny enough that a phone sex number gets accidently printed on a public information flyer, but a free phone sex number? Talk about southern hospitality. (Link to this)

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
February 23, 2006

"A White House report released Thursday concluded that federal agencies, and the Homeland Security Department in particular, remain unprepared for catastrophes despite the billions of dollars that have been spent on emergency management since the 9/11 terrorist attacks."
(govexec.com)

"You fucking stupid useless bastards."
(friedwire.org)

THE POLITICS OF ENVY? DAMN SKIPPY
February 23, 2006

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer earns $909532 a year on looks alone.
(See also 'Microsoft go psycho')

According to this year's "Executive Excess" report (PDF) by the Washington-based Institute for Policy Studies, America's top 367 CEOs "earn" an average of $11.8 million a year. Jeez. On this basis, if America's lowest earners' pay increased at the same rate as the top earners, the federal minimum wage would now be worth $23 an hour instead of $5.15.

So what do the lucky boardmembers get for their money? Aside from malfeasant supernovas like Ken Lay and Dennis Kozlowski, they also get to be screwed over by CEOs like David J. Edmondson - the prick who resigned from Radio Shack yesterday after being busted for faking his resume. Edmonson was fired like any other worker caught lying their way into a job. Only difference is that he receives a $1 million severance pay-out and gets to keep the $1,436,373 he earned last year as a bogus CEO.

It makes you wonder that these guys must have a hell of a union. They do. It's called the United States Government. (Link to this)

THE DUBAI-SHAPED HOLE IN NATIONAL SECURITY
February 23, 2006

"What's all the fuss about? It's not like they flew ships into the World Trade Center."

The President announced that Americans shouldn't fret over the controversial ports deal involving a United Arab Emirates-owned company. Durr Fuehrer responded to worries about the surreally stupid $6.8 billion sell-off with a bland "people don't need to worry about security." (story)

Bush also implied that critics of the deal were racists because nobody seemed that bothered when the ports were controlled by a British company. But no-one has yet labelled Britain "a financial hub for Islamic militant groups" or said that London plays a key role for al-Qaeda as a "through-point and a money transfer location."

It might seem bizarre (and/or fucking retarded) that Bush is now playing the race card and telling us to chill out when his number one political strategy has always been to manufacture and exploit fear of foreign terrorism amongst the voters. But the power of money is a magical thing: Money can make Rupert Murdoch kiss up to communists, money can make otherwise rational policy makers deny the existence of global warming in the face of overwhelming empirical evidence, and money trumps national security every time with Bushco.

The latest ABC News/Washington Post Poll shows that public disapproval for Bush's handling of the 'War on Terror' has gone from 5% to 45% since 9-11. Can't imagine this will help out much. But, then again, money almost certainly trumps public opinion too with Bushco. (link to this)

KARL ROVE: SMARTASS
February 21, 2006

According to Michael Barone, the blogging wingnut with a GED, brainiac Karl Rove is currently reading 'The Segmented Society: An Introduction to the Meaning of America' - a book with more long words than a Hawaiian dictionary. "You can't doze off in the middle of a paragraph without getting totally lost." Gushes Barone in awe.

By contrast, the President is currently reading the Snapper Yard Tractor with Quick Hitch™ owner's manual. Probably. (Link to this)

YOU GO GIRL!
February 21, 2006

"Hey Fidel, what say we make out a little and really piss off those yanqui Conservatives?"

Hugo Chavez appears to have been brushing up on his ebonics. On a recent TV broadcast he responded to criticisms by US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice with a pithy "don't mess with me, girl." Though, sadly, he didn't also bob his head and raise his palm at the same time.

Chavez is currently experiencing the full-force of Bushco disapproval. And for what? Running his own country in accordance with the wishes of the Venezuelan voters? That's some bullshizzle my nizzle, as Chavez might say. (Link to this)

CHENEY'S POPULARITY WANES
February 20, 2006 (The Internets)

As surreal as it may seem, Dick Cheney actually has an approval rating. According to a poll by SRBI Public Affairs published in Time Magazine, a full 29% of respondents approve of the job he's doing.

This might seem low, but the fact that only 71% of us actually seem to disapprove should be regarded as a major coup (unfortunate choice of terminology) by the White House. What the fuck is wrong with us people? (Link to this)

Left: Dick Cheney on Karaoke: "Oye Comb-over" and "Anyone Who Had a Heart" are my guesses. Add your best suggestions below and win something (really).

INSULT THE PREZ FOR 20 BUCKS
February 19, 2006 (The Internets)

"Mountain bikes may break my bones, but words will never hurt me..."

InsultThePresident.com is a great new site that forwards your insults directly to the White House for 20 bucks a shot and sends you a souvenir certificate to confirm that you did indeed insult the President. Great scam, dudes. Sample insults:

"You don’t have to tap my phone to know what I think of you. I think you SUCK!"

"If Daddy didn’t have so much money, it is highly improbable you would have amounted to much more in this life than a slick car salesman at a local Midland dealership."

"I am writing to tell you that it is clear to everyone that your Texas accent is FAKE. Your parents don’t have one, your brother Jeb does not have one. You went to school in the Northeast. FAKE!!!!!"

Conservatives would think this site was a great idea too... if Bill Clinton was President. But as he's not they hate it. Here's one pearl from the feedback page:

"I will personally remove your hearts from your chests and have one of my Dobermanns eat them while the light leaves your eyes. Nothing personal you will understand, just business."

Is that you, Mr Cheney? (Link to this)

TEXAS MAN WHORE RUNS FOR OFFICE (AND IT'S NOT TOM DELAY)
February 19, 2006 (DALLAS, Texas)

Tom Malin is running for Democratic state representative in Texas despite being an ex-male prostitute, former porn star, recovered alcoholic and Mary Kay cosmetics rep. Personally, I'm not sure which is more embarrassing. (story)

But, as it says on Malin's homepage, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and the definition of sin is pretty stretchy in Texas. Über-whore Tom DeLay is still popular with the Sugar Land voters, so maybe Malin could be in with a chance.

On male4malescorts.com, Malin was described as having "a great cock, and an incredible ass. A bottom who is unforgettable, and as friendly as the boy next door." And no-one's ever said that about Tom DeLay. Yet. (Link to this)

SORRY MY FACE GOT IN THE WAY
February 18, 2006

"My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with." Said perforated lawyer Harry Whittington as he left hospital yesterday. (story)

In other news, relatives of the 2,273 US troops killed in Iraq are expected to apologize for causing so much trouble for the president. (Link to this)

HE'S BACK!
February 17, 2006

"Yup, still no thunderbolt."

Donald Rumsfeld (or Crazy D to give him his gang name) bounced back from obscurity after being absent from public view since being publicly slapped down by General Pace last year. (Or was that just my imagination?)

Following a UN call, backed by the EU, to close down Gulag Gitmo and either try or release its 500 detainees, Rumsfeld was wheeled out to present this reasoned and in-depth response to the world on behalf of Bushco:

"There is no torture. There's no abuse... And by golly, that's the way it ought to be."

By golly? Note the homely Andy Griffith touch in this particular Bushco 'fuck you' to the 6,196,769,503 other residents of Planet Earth who don't get to vote in the US midterms. (story) (Link to this)

FEAR OF GOVERNMENT: THE NEW AMERICAN ZEITGEIST
February 17, 2006

In 2002, Syrian-born Canadian Maher Arar was flying home from a family vacation in Tunisia. Unfortunately for him, his itinerary included changing planes at JFK. Here he was detained by US officials and interrogated about alleged links to al-Qaeda. Twelve days later, he was shackled and flown to Syria where he was tortured into making false confessions and held for two years in jail.

Understandably, Arar was not overjoyed by his treatment and launched a law suit against the U.S. government with the support of human rights groups and the Canadian parliament.

But Arar's case was thrown out by U.S. District Judge David G. Trager yesterday who claimed that his rights not to be falsely imprisoned and tortured were trumped by America's 'national security and foreign policy considerations.' (story)

As law-abiding and, more importantly, non-Muslim Americans we might not be too scared by our government yet and we might comfort ourselves with the old 'I'm not doing anything wrong, so I have nothing to fear' cop-out. But what the hell had Arar done wrong? Remember those words of Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöeller who lived through Hitler's rise to power in Germany:

"In Germany, the Nazis first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I was a protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak for me."

As Bushco occupies the White House, we are all potential Arars. And that includes you too, dear wingnut, whether or not you choose to believe it. (Link to this)

TALIBANI GIVES BUSHCO THE PURPLE FINGER
February 16, 2006

Iraq's president Jalal Talabani today denounced the "savage crimes" committed at Abu Ghraib today as a new batch of S&M snapshots surfaced featuring non-consenting Iraqi prisoners. When will the Pentagon freaks get the "no means no" message anyway?

"We have condemned these savage crimes. We reject that a civilized country allows its soldiers to commit these ugly and terrible crimes.. We demand very harsh punishments against the perpetrators." Said a suitably pissed Talabani.

Devious, but fundamentally inept, Bushco seems to have managed to fall out with a Washington-backed pet prez in less than a year. Could this be a new record? We got along with the last guy we gave the Iraq gig to way better than that. (story) (Link to this)

JUDGE RAISES BAA
February 15, 2006 (BATTLE CREEK, Michigan)

"The prosecutor is being real hard on me for what I did," said Jeffrey Haynes (left) after being sentenced on a sodomy charge involving a sheep in Battle Creek, Michigan. "I should not be treated as a child molester." Haynes' protest followed the judge's order that he should also register as a sex offender after serving his two-year sentence.

I can't imagine there'll be much support for him and it's a case unlikely to attract much attention from the ACLU, but I'm inclined to agree with the sheep fucker on this point of jurisprudence. Just because he did a sheep, why should it be assumed he's a child molester too? Or is the judge ruling on behalf of concerned farm animals? (story) (Link to this)

BOOZE AND SHOOTERS: A VICE-PRESIDENTIAL STORY
February 15, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

"Read my lip: no new shootings."

"Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry... Saturday was one of the worst days of my life."

Thus slurred Cheney on Fox News today. One of the worst days of my life? Can't help thinking it may have sucked a little more for the 78-year old geezer who got blasted in the face with several hundred lead pellets.

Cheney admits to having downed a beer with lunch on the day of the man/quail near-fatal confusion though speculation continues (amongst the non-wingnut blogerati at least) just how much beer constitutes 'a beer' for a guy who has two DUIs on his record and was kicked out of Yale for being a drunk. Ranch owner Katharine Armstrong, who hosted the fateful toy hunt, told reporters that she didn't see Cheney "drink at all on the day of the shooting until after the accident occurred, when the vice president fixed himself a cocktail back at the house."

How weird is that? Whenever I shoot anyone, I always like to fix myself a martini afterwards. If I'm celebrating. (Link to this)

INDIAN RECEIVER?
February 14, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Time Magazine finally released three of the 'incriminating' photos that are supposed to prove the Commander in Chimp was previously buds with Jack Abramoff. The pictures, taken at a White House meet-and-greet in 2001, are inconclusive and anticlimactic at best. So what's Time's deal? Hold back until everybody's lost interest in the Bush-Abramoff nexus and then just show us the outtakes?

The picture above of Bush glad-handing tribal chief Raul Garza of the Texas Kickapoos is mildly amusing however... "Yeh, yeh, you can try on the headdress." Garza seems to be saying to an excited POTUS. (Link to this)

DEAN GETS MAD - BIG WHOOP
February 14, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

DNC chairman Howard Dean got all ballsy on CBS's 'Face The Nation' about recent developments in the Scooter Libby trial. Libby, Dick 'Elmer Fudd' Cheney's former chief of staff, had testified to a grand jury that unnamed "superiors" had told him to leak classified information to reporters to justify the Iraq war.

"It turns out that the vice president of the United States may have been responsible for those leaks." Said Dean. So what? What's Dean going to do about Cheney? It wouldn't seem too cynical to assume that the Dem response will consist of sending out outraged emails to supporters, maybe get up a petition, and then wuss out when it comes down to the wire just like they did with Alito.

Last year Fried Wire liked Dean as he looked liked the guy who was going to revitalize the Democrats and give the American people a worthwhile opposition party. Unfortunately, it seems that's the crux of the issue: he just looks like that guy. (story) (Link to this)

CHENEY BAGS LAWYER AT TOY HUNT
February 13, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Left: Quail. Right: Lawyer. Easily confused by gun-toting geezers apparently.

The news that Dick Cheney shot a lawyer during a canned 'hunt' was, of course, hilarious. But the thought of a bunch of overgrown Little Lord Fauntleroys blasting-off shotguns at flocks of docile captive birds as they wander in front of their gun sights is pretty nauseating. As an outdoors dude comments at scienceblogs.com:

"I'm an avid hunter, and I don't know a single person in my hunting community who takes kindly to canned hunts... It's like shooting fish in barrel; specifically tame fish that you filled the barrel with."

So what really went on? It's easy to imagine Cheney, antsy at the latest developments in the Scooter Libby trial, asking Whittington to take one for the team. "Hey, Harry, Libby's been testifying that I ordered him to leak Plame's identity. We need to divert the media's attention... now can you just bend over a little while I reload?" (Link to this)

MORE DOUBTS ABOUT L.A. 9-11
February 11, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

The former leading al Qaeda expert in the CIA's counter-terrorism center says he heard nothing about any plots to carry out a 9-11 style attack on Los Angeles in 2002. As the man in the CIA who knew most about bin Laden and al Qaeda at the time, Micheal Scheuer says it's unlikely he would not have been informed.

"It could be that it was very closely held, but I think that's unlikely," he said. "It could be just a function of my failing memory. But this doesn't sound like anything that I would recall as a major threat, or as a major success in stopping it." (story)

Why is no-one talking about this? And what the fuck is wrong with our media who are so obediently regurgitating Bush's Stalinesque propaganda without even fact-checking with the intel guys? (Link to this)

IMPEACH THE LYING SACK OF SHIT
February 10, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Yesterday Bush shocked the nation with new revelations about a foiled al Qaeda plot to attack L.A. in 2002. He claimed that a detachment of crack shoe-bombers had been planning to hijack planes and do a World Trade Center on the 73-story Library Tower and that the plot had been masterminded by Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, one of al Qaeda's many 'number twos.'

But Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigos had never been informed about the plot by Bushco and expressed incredulity that the government would not tell him about the imminent threat of a horrendous terrorist strike in his own city. "I'm amazed that the president would make this announcement on national TV and not inform us of these details through the appropriate channels," he said. (story)

So why wouldn't El Presidente tell anyone, especially the Mayor, about the plot? The answer, now emerging, would seem to be because he made it up.

Within hours of the Bush’s speech, several current and retired CIA, NSA, FBI and military personnel contacted Capitol Hill Blue to dispute the veracity of the President’s remarks. "He’s full of shit." said one sharply-worded email while a guy identified as a long-time CIA insider claimed "The President has cheapened the entire intelligence community by dragging us into his fantasy world."

Let's recap: the L.A. al Qaeda plot now appears to have been an excuse dreamed up to justify illegal spying on ordinary Americans and deflect attention away from Bush et al's egregious abuses of executive power... Not only is Bush's twisted junta still milking 9-11 for their own advantage at every opportunity (and getting more mileage out of it than a 1982 Toyota Camry), they're now making up atrocities that never even happened to distract us with and gain political capital. What exactly does this lying sack of shit have to do to get his evil ass impeached anyway? Dig up Nixon, all is forgiven. (story) (Link to this)

FRED PHELPS: GAYEST MAN IN KNOWN UNIVERSE?
February 9, 2006 (ATLANTA, Georgia)

Fred Phelps and his self-hating closet cases were out again this week crashing the funeral of Coretta Scott King. "Shame on you! Where is your righteous indignation of the filthy life of Coretta Scott King, a fag enabler!" yelled one hate-saturated moron at passing mourners while another greeted the kids with "Children, ask your parents what sodomy is."

Phelps' Westboro Baptist 'church' has been hating non-stop for years but has only recently made a name for itself by picketing funerals of US troops killed in Iraq. Why? Because they're "defenders of the fag nation" apparently. (story)

It's a miracle that this tag nut on Satan's ass hasn't been a) beaten to death yet; or b) taken into psychiatric care. Really, either option would do. (Link to this)

ONWARD CHRISTIAN ECO-WARRIORS
February 9, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Finally, after years of babbling about abortion and gay marriage while the planet lurches into disaster, at least some of Bushco's evangelical Christian fanbase are finally waking up and starting to notice the alarm bells.

An 86-member coalition of Godheads from evangelical colleges, religious media outlets and the Salvation Army released a joint statement yesterday warning that "millions of people could die this century because of global warming." Now all they have to do is persuade the guerillas in their midst that this is actually a bad thing.

The eco-fundies will have an uphill struggle spreading their new gospel of sane planet stewardship with eschatological Dominionist whackjobs like Christian conservative leader James Dobson and the Commander in Christ himself opposing their new stance. Dobson decreed that "global warming is not a consensus issue" (on which planet?) and urged the evangelical movement not to adopt environmentalism as an official policy. After all, this catastrophe is to be welcomed as a harbinger of the end of days preceding the coming of the kingdom of heaven and anyone who stands in its way is an enemy of God and non-restrictive business practices. Amen.

According to government figures, U.S. greenhouse gas emissions increased 2% in 2004 thanks to Bushco's relaxed/non-existent environmental policies. Two weeks ago NASA scientists also confirmed that 2005 was the hottest year ever recorded worldwide. Welcome to the real world, fundies. Sorry it sucks. (story) (Link to this)

I'LL SEE YOUR BLASPHEMY AND RAISE YOU ONE ANTI-SEMITISM
February 7, 2006 (TEHRAN, Iran)

Left to right: First recorded Danish flag burning? (Arab flag stores mark down flammable US flags); Headbangers from Jihad central casting; The dumb Kurt Westergaard cartoon that started it all.

OK, here's my last word on the cartoon controversy sweeping the planet (in lieu of actual news). The guy who drew it: prick. The bearded medievalists who are rioting about it: pricks. How's that for Fair And Balanced™?

When did we become so infantile that this kind of crap could constitute (in the words of Yahoo!) an 'international crisis'? The 'bomb in turban' cartoon was not funny, not well drawn and absolutely a bad idea all round. Sure, freedom of speech blah blah... but if you're going to use your freedom of speech to cause offense, at least say something edgy with it.

Take a tip from President Ahmadinejad of Iran who, like Kim Jong Il, is currently manifesting that strain of eccentricity that seems to overtake world leaders who are yelled at by the White House too long. Iran's Hamshahri newspaper has just launched a cartoon competition in response to the bomb-turban debacle. "It will be an international cartoon contest about the Holocaust," said Hamshahri's graphics editor. I wonder how that will look alongside their farsi Peanuts syndication? (story)

Of course, not everyone shares President Ahmadinejad's sense of humor. But at least his material's edgier than that hack Danish cartoonist: "Hey did you hear the one about the holocaust? In spite of the overwhelming weight of historical evidence it was really just a hoax perpetrated by the international Zionist conspiracy in order to justify the establishment of the state of Israel." Yeh, that's a good one Ahmadinejad, you should send it to Letterman. (Link to this)

MORE BUGGERY: GEORGE GETS A LITTLE CURIOSER
February 6, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (surely a guy who'd be more at home in Pinochet's Chile than Washington DC) stepped up to defend El Presidente as the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings began examining Bush's recent bugging splurge.

After Patrick Leahy asked if they'd yet diversified into opening the mail as part of the ongoing War In Error, Gonzo responded: "That's not what's going on. We are only focusing on international communications, where one part of the conversation is al-Qaida." (story) Fine. Read my emails, monitor my Web activity (thanks to the pussies at Yahoo and Microsoft) but let's hope bin Laden's cave doesn't have a mailbox.

As yet another example of George getting curioser, anonymous telecom execs also revealed today that big companies such as AT&T, MCI, Sprint, etc., routinely give the NSA carte blanche to monitor calls they carry using the same terrorist 'oogah boogah' excuse. (story)

So what's the point? Sure, if someone's firing off emails to osama911@alqaeda.com or dialling 1-800 JIHAD to find other terrorists in their area (interests: beards, Allah and mayhem), wake up the feds... But this kind of retarded shit doesn't happen. Instead, Bush's mass-buggery is only likely to yield a mountain of irrelevant communications that happen to contain keywords like 'al Qaeda' or 'bomb' (like this Web page) that the 'terrists' would not be dumb enough to use anyway. Oh my, what could a government want with all that "useless" information?

Far be it from me to accuse the Bush Junta of duplicity but, like sloppy database purging in Florida, it would seem that mass-surveillance is not supposed to work how they tell us it should. And it's the 'not working right' part that they like - the same 'not working right' part we should therefore be worried about. (Link to this)

BUSH SIDES WITH ISLAMONAZIS?
February 3, 2006 (The Caliphate of Islamomania)

"Bin Laden our beloved, Denmark must be blown up," protesters in Ramallah chanted as the hissy-fit caused by Danish newspaper cartoons of a bomb-turbaned Muhammad rages on into its fifth month.

Bizarrely, the White House has now weighed-in against the Danes (who hadn't previously offended anyone since the 9th century Viking raids) with State Department press officer Janelle Hironimus calling the cartoons "offensive to the beliefs of Muslims."

Is the Bush government going all ACLU on us? Or are they just trying to suck up to their Saudi sugar daddies to keep OPEC from protesting with price hikes? You decide.

I'm starting to find some common ground with the Cuntservatives on this issue: True, the cartoons were ill-advised given the hyperpremenstrual nature of certain Muslims, but calls by imams to behead the cartoonist (for any other reason than he's crap) only prove the original point: some Muslims are fucking psycho. (Wing nuts please note: I said some Muslims are crazy. That's were we lose our common ground.) (story) (Link to this)

TEENAGER INVESTIGATED BY THOUGHT POLICE
February 3, 2006 (WEST WARWICK, Rhode Island)

When a 7th grade school kid is denounced by his teacher and interrogated by the US Secret Service after writing anti-Bushisms in an essay, it's hard not to gasp in wonderment at how closely Bush's America is starting to resemble George Orwell's Oceania.

Teachers at John F. Deering Middle School in Rhode Island called in the feds after a teenage boy wrote about "unspecified violence against Bush, Coca-Cola and Wal-Mart Stores executives" in response to a homework assignment that asked students to describe their perfect day.

Obviously no-one (apart from Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter and George Bush himself) has any business calling for the assassination of heads of state and credible threats against the Commander-in-Chimp should always be taken seriously. But when those 'threats' come in the form of a rhetorical essay by a 13-year old boy, to launch a full-scale investigation would seem pathetic at the very least. And given the depraved scope of a typical teenage boy's imagination, I think the teachers got off pretty lightly anyway. (story) (Link to this)

OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE OLD
February 2, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Ethically pure Representative John Boehner (Boehner?!) has been elected to replace Tom DeLay as House Republican majority leader. Boehner, a former Gingrich lieutenant, has vowed to clean up the House and consign the bad old days of grift and corruption to the trash can of history. Unfortunately, his actual record tells a very different (though familiar) story:

Boehner pushed through legislation that boosted the profits of his campaign backers - for-profit colleges and trade schools, and private student lenders - by millions of dollars. (story)

Boehner illegally handed out campaign checks from tobacco industry buddies to members on the House floor while lawmakers were considering eliminating tobacco subsidies. (story)

Boehner took two trips costing at least $13,920 on Washington lobbyist Richard Kessler's dime in violation of congressional ethics rules that forbid registered lobbyists from paying for congressional travel. (story)

Boehner received $32,500 in political contributions from Indian tribes represented by Jack Abramoff placing him in the top tier of lawmakers who got donations from the lobbyist or his clients. (story)

Boehner voted with Tom DeLay 96% of the time between 1991 and 2005. (story)

As if Boehner's background alone isn't dubious enough to prove his suitability for the job as Republican Capo, the actual voting procedure had a special stink all its own. According to Rollcall.com, "The first count showed more votes cast than Republicans present at the Conference meeting." I guess these greased bastards just can't help themselves. (Link to this)

DENMARK PISSES OF THE ISLAMONAZIS
February 2, 2006 (The Caliphate of Islamomania)

After a Danish cartoon portraying the Prophet Mohamed in a bomb-shaped turban appeared in European newspapers, the fake-Muslim headbangers went into fatwah mode yet again.

Personally, I appreciate the America-hating, "Death to infidels" pinheads within the Islamic community for their power to enrage the Muslim-hating, "Death to Islam" pinheads at home. Hopefully, the boring pricks on both sides will eventually cancel themselves out by killing each other off with rage-induced coronaries thus leaving the world a far less retarded place. (story)

While browsing Yahoo's slideshow, I wondered if I was the only person to spot the George W. Bush doppelganger amongst the outraged Muslims shaking their fists in Pakistan? This may be the proof of my assertion that Christian Fundamentalists and Muslim Fundamentalists are really the same people sucking on the same teat of hate. (Link to this)

BUSH BRIBES JUDGE - 300 MILLION PEOPLE LOOK THE OTHER WAY
January 30, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Abramoff prosecutor Noel L. Hillman announced last week that he was taking up Bush's offer of a federal judgeship - even though he is currently leading the Abramoff investigation that has already implicated El Presidente himself.

When did America become such an embarrassing banana Republic complete with political prisoners, state-sanctioned torture, mass-spying and bribery?

I guess that would have been January 2001. (story) (Link to this)

DEMOCRATS IN NAME ONLY
January 30, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Democrats for Bush back Alito

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid announces that the Democrats don't have enough votes to block Alito. At the same time, Bush extends his gratitude to those Democrats who have made Alito's nomination a virtual certainty by giving him the thumbs up. Why, when the Supreme Court is about to undergo the most radical right-wing refit ever, are these DINOs working so hard to undermine their own supporters and boost the Bush junta? Some Democratic twats who earned gold stars from Bush:

• Ed Rendell, (D, PA) garnered praise from Bush for saying that Alito's treatment by some Democrats was 'an outrage and a disgrace.'
• Tim Johnson (D, SD) has said he will vote for Alito and against any filibuster.
• Robert Byrd (KKK, WV) has announced he would vote for Alito and also "opposed the seemingly made-for-TV antics that accompanied the hearings."

Bush needs 60 votes to cut off the chatter and go straight to a confirmation vote tomorrow. Thanks to helpful DINOs, the 55 Republicans now have at least 62 votes in favor. Thanks again, Democrats for taking a dump on those of us who rely on you to slow down the Bush junta's dismantling of democracy. Again. (story) (Link to this)

COULTER DECLARES NEW FATWAH
January 27, 2006 (LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas)

Arch-bitch Coulter was in action last week at Philander Smith College in Little Rock, Arkansas. Her contribution to the Alito debate? Coulter told her audience that the Supreme Court should be purged of liberals, such as John Paul Stevens, to ensure that abortion is outlawed. "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee," Coulter said. "That's just a joke, for you in the media." Fucking hilarious.

Coulter also proclaimed, apropos of nothing in particular, that the crack cocaine problem "has pretty much gone away." Perhaps she was speaking from personal experience. But, judging by the standard of her latest sub-fascist verbal diarrea, it would seem that she's still very much on the pipe. (story) (Link to this)

HERSHEY'S HISPANIC PANIC
January 27, 2006

My favorite marketing 'de-de-dee' (as listed in CNN.com's round-up of last year's dumbest moments) was Hershey's brave attempt to market a new candy bar to the Hispanic market called 'twat'.

According to CNN: "Hershey introduces Cajeta Elegancita, a new candy bar for the Hispanic market. In Mexico, "cajeta" can be used to mean "nougat." Elsewhere in the Spanish-speaking world it's slang for the female anatomy." (Link to this)

DEMOCRACY ABORTED
January 25, 2006

Democrats Bend Over For Bush's 'Vaticanization' Of The Supreme Court

Nebraskan DINO Senator Ben Nelson formally announced he'll vote in favor of Judge Samuel Alito’s nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court today. "I came to this decision after careful consideration of his impeccable judicial credentials, the American Bar Association’s strong recommendation and his pledge that he would not bring a political agenda to the court." Nelson said in a brief written statement. Here's Fried Wire's brief written statement: Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

Just for the record, Alito's "impeccable judicial credentials" include lying (pledge-breaking Vanguard and Smith Barney non-recusals?) and a record of overwhelmingly one-sided support for government and corporate rights over individual freedoms throughout the course of his career.

It may also bend the mind of anyone who gives a damn about the "wall of separation between Church and State" that Bush is now pushing another anti-reproductive rights Catholic into the Supreme Court to tip the balance 5 to 4 Roman. How the hell does that reflect democracy in a supposedly secular nation where the majority are still pro-choice and where only 25% of people call themselves Catholics anyway?

Recusal anyone? Yeh, right. (Link to this)

WARPIGS AND PROFITEERS
January 18, 2006

A recent Pentagon study showed that 80% of US marines killed in Iraq since 2003 would probably have survived if their body armor had been up to scratch. Now the companies that produced and supplied the crappy vests are under investigation and their products on recall. David H. Brooks (left), CEO of Point Blank Body Armor's parent company, is also under investigation by the SEC after he scored $186 million by off-loading his stock just ahead of the recall announcement. Nice to see the age-old racket of war profiteering spiced up with a bit of insider trading.

A more effective alternative to the Interceptor Outer Tactical Vest does exist but has never been called into service despite 8 years of lobbying by its manufacturer. The Army Research Test Lab also claims that Pinnacle Armor's 'Dragon Skin' is years ahead of the existing standard issue vest.

Under these circumstances, it's hard to understand the Pentagon's reluctance to save soldiers' lives. Perhaps it's because the 'Dragon Skin' system costs 43% more per-unit. (Link to this) (story)

HONORING THE HEROES OF 9-11
January 18, 2006

The corporation-friendly U.S. Supreme Court yesterday threw out a case brought by families of firefighters who died on 9-11 against the city of New York and the Motorola corporation. The case was brought because firefighters had been issued with radios that didn't work in high-rise buildings which resulted in them missing evacuation orders that would otherwise have saved their lives.

Only an idiot would assume you'd need radios that work in skyscrapers in New York City. Good work, Supreme Courtiers of Emperor George. (Link to this) (story)

SCHWARZENEGGER BUSTS LIP
January 11, 2006 (LOS ANGELES, California)

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