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MEAT PUPPETS
March 31, 2006

There is a point at which corporate greed becomes self-defeating and blatantly dangerous. This is usually when government reluctantly removes its tongue from the business community's collective anus and starts legislating. But not this one.

Creekstone Farms Premium Beef has lost a third of its business since the Japanese banned American beef after the outbreak of mad cow disease in the US. But the government, in deference to the other American meat producers who'd rather not feel obliged to follow Creekstone's example, has blocked the company from voluntarily screening for contaminated product. (story)

But don't worry. J. Patrick Boyle, president of the American Meat Institute, says "the safety of American beef is assured." Assured by who??? Isn't it precisely because it's not assured that we have a problem? (Link to this)

DEPLETED URANIUM-TIPPED IRONY
March 30, 2006

Consider that 2,300+ troops have died bringing "democracy and self-determination" to the people of Iraq. Then allow the full irony of this opening paragraph from the International Herald Tribune to wash over you:

"BAGHDAD In the face of growing pressure from the Bush administration for him to step down, Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari of Iraq on Wednesday vigorously asserted his right to stay in office and warned the Americans against undue interference in Iraq's political process." (story) (Link to this)

SUPPORT THE TROOPS
March 30, 2006

"I don't hate all Arabs just because a few of them blew up the World Trade Center, so why should they hate all US soldiers just because one shot their father?" asks US Army Cpl. Joshua Hedges, of Warrensburg, Mo., a father of three. And, yes, Fried Wire supports our troops while not supporting the war. Even that dumbass.

Talking of supporting the troops, perhaps the wing nut apologists for Bush's dumbass crusade might want to support them on this: "According to a Zogby poll of 944 US troops stationed in Iraq 72% said the US should leave Iraq within one year."

Perhaps said wing nuts might also want to dump their tired old WMD argument and ask the guys on the ground why they think they're there. According to the same poll, ninety-three percent said that removing weapons of mass destruction is not the reason they're in Iraq. (story) (Link to this)

HA HA HA FUCKING HA!
March 29, 2006

Five years and 10 months in prison, $21 million restitution. It's a good start...

PRAISE ALLAH AND PASS THE PLUTONIUM
March 29, 2006

Oops... how is the Bush administration going to wriggle out of this one? According to the German magazine Cicero, Saudi Arabia is now packing nuclear weapons.

The magazine said satellite images prove that Saudi Arabia has set up in al-Sulaiyil, South of Riyadh, a secret underground city with dozens of underground silos for missiles.

Bushco has, historically, bent over backwards to avoid offending their oil buddies in Riyadh. But now the Islamofascist fiefdom (that refuses to recognize Israel's right to exist and produced 15 of the 19 9-11 hijackers) has the bomb, will Bush be as indignant with them as he is with Iran? As long as the strength of the dollar is effectively pegged to the low price of oil, I'm guessing not. (Link to this)

WOULD JOHN McCAIN SUCK COCK TO GET ELECTED?
March 29, 2006

I'm serious. This should be the subject of the next Zogby poll as there seems to be no level of hypocrisy this sad prick won't sink to in his pathetic quest to get elected.

According to Jerry Falwell's Liberty University news page "American military hero and Arizona Sen. John McCain will deliver the Commencement message at Liberty University on May 13."

Fine. Except McCain's attitude to Falwell was a little different back in 2000 when he referred to him as an "agent of intolerance." Clearly, John McCain is a man of firm principles. (Link to this)

MORE KUDOS FOR KEN
March 28, 2006

Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, is in trouble again for his big mouth. Ken's big mouth is his most endearing feature.

In February he was suspended after likening a particularly obnoxious press reporter to a 'concentration camp guard.' Unfortunately for London, the press prick happened to be Jewish - so 7.5 million people temporarily lost their elected representative.

Now Ken (or Red Ken as he was known by Empress Thatcher) has insulted Robert Tuttle, the new US ambassador, for claiming diplomatic immunity to avoid paying car tax. "It would actually be quite nice if the American ambassador in Britain could pay the charge that everybody else is paying and not actually try and skive out of it like some chiselling little crook." Said Ken on TV.

Ken now faces the possibility of another investigation after a complaint was made by an organ called Liberty and Law who called the remarks "an attack on good community relations" and also potentially offensive to car salesmen. (story) (Link to this)

BUSHCO CLOCKBLOCKERS
March 28, 2006

Thanks to Bushco's crackhead-like fiscal stewardship of the economy, US debt is on the verge of making the National Debt Clock in Times Square redundant.

The clock was erected in 1989 when the national debt stood at 2.7 trillion. But then, as the AFP puts it, "the debt continued to rise at such a rate that the once unthinkable total of 10 trillion dollars veered from alarmist fantasy into the realm of impending reality."

Last week, the "family share" breakdown on the clock stood just short of 90,000 dollars. What happens now? Does the clock roll back round to zero like the odometer on Al Bundy's Pinto? (Which, at this rate, loser McCain will be riding to his inauguration in 2008.) (Link to this)

IRAQNAM?
March 28, 2006

"Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it."
George Santayana

"It is crucial to remember that the goal of guerrillas — including the Iraqi guerrillas — is not to militarily defeat the larger and stronger military force, but to undermine security and increase the number of locals opposing the occupying forces. The Iraqi guerrillas are doing a sterling job... Sounds like Vietnam to me."
Stewart Nusbaumer at US Veterans Against the Iraq War

As much as Bushco and its various apologists would deny it, Iraq is looking more and more like Vietnam. Evan Eland at antiwar.com makes the case by spelling out 10 significant mistakes that were made in Vietnam that have also been made in Iraq.

• Underestimating the strength and resolve of the enemy
• Deceiving the public about how badly the war is going
• Blaming negative media coverage for declining public support
• Manipulating statistics to create a false impression of success against the insurgency
• Using excessive force instead of working to 'win hearts and minds'
• Deploying failed 'search and destroy' tactics that allow the enemy to quickly regroup
• Insisting that the Iraqi army is capable of winning a war that America is not winning - just as Nixon claimed the South Vietnamese would be able to defeat the North Vietnamese insurgency
• No 'exit strategy' and an ongoing policy of indefinite commitment
• Retention of incompetent and discredited policymakers
• And, most importantly, starting a war with dubious/bogus justifications

Eric Haney is a retired command sergeant major of the U.S. Army and was a founding member of Delta Force, the military's elite covert counter-terrorist unit. Haney is hardly representative of the anti-American, antiwar, liberal archetype touted by the wing nuts. His comforting Iraqnam prognosis? "We have fomented civil war in Iraq. We have probably fomented internecine war in the Muslim world between the Shias and the Sunnis, and I think Bush may well have started the third world war, all for their own personal policies." (Link to this)

A BIRD'S GOTTA FLY, A FISH GOTTA SWIM...
March 26, 2006

...a Bush gotta make a buck. William HT "Bucky" Bush living large.

Depending on your point of view, the following news will (1) Inspire you to praise the free market and the Bush family's business acumen. (2) Confirm your suspicions that there is literally nothing the parasitic First Family will not do to make a profit off America's back.

William HT "Bucky" Bush, an uncle of George W. Bush, has just received a $3 million windfall after Engineered Support Systems Inc., a company he had holdings in, sold for $1.7 billion (story). How did ESSI get to be so valuable?

Although Uncle Bucky denies that having an ex-president for a brother or a sitting president for a nephew in any way helped, ESSI has profited handsomely since GW's rise to power. According to the LA Times, "Missouri-based ESSI experienced record growth as a result of expanded U.S. military contracts — many to supply U.S. efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan." (Link to this)

BEWARE OF THE BUSHIT STORMTROOPERS!
March 25, 2006

First Amendment not applicable in Georgia or Wisconsin.

A woman in Athens, Georgia got a ticket for sporting this bumper sticker. Reason? The cop thought it was lewd and cited her for violating a state law prohibiting profane stickers and decals on vehicles. How the hell can a nonexistent word be legally defined as lewd anyway? And, apart from all that, the Georgia Supreme Court already ruled that the law is unconstitutional ten years ago.

Back in January, an antiwar protester in Wisconsin was also cited for holding a placard saying "This War Is Bushit" outside the Marathon County Courthouse. According to a poster on DemocraticUnderground.com, the police received one complaint from an older man who drove by and said it upset his grand-daughter. Curiously enough, she was not in the car with him at the time. Are we getting stupider or is it just the cops? (link to this)

WHAT'S UP WITH KRAUTHAMMER?
March 25, 2006

Charles Krauthammer, the slimily obsequious looking op-ed columnist who looks like he basks under a light bulb in a terrarium, seems to be sending mixed messages. No wonder the wing nuts are confused about Iraq and just opt for the fail-safe 'shut up America-haters' line of reasoning.

In his Time column today entitled "Three Cheers for the Bush Doctrine", he smacks down those who doubt El Presidente's mission to bring democracy and peace to the Muslim savages. According to Krauthammer, the whining liberals have been proved wrong when they talk about Iraq being a disaster: "The underlying assumption of those who denounced, ridiculed and otherwise opposed the democracy project--is wrong. Embarrassingly, scandalously, blessedly wrong." So that's alright then.

But over at the Washington Post, in another op-ed entitled "Of Course It's Civil War" Krauthammer tells us that the debate about whether or not Iraq is in a state of civil war is 'surreal' because it clearly is. "People keep warning about the danger of civil war. This is absurd. There already is a civil war. It is raging before our eyes."

Call me old-fashioned, but I've never really thought of civil war as a good thing. So why is Krauthammer telling us that an Iraq at war with itself is a sign of success? Perhaps he says too much because, as far as Bushco is concerned, it is a success. The PNAC Spocks knew that invading Iraq would almost certainly result in a three-way ruckus between the Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds (as any casual observer with one eye on the ball would have done) that would hasten the establishment of Israel II - a.k.a. a second Mid-East puppet state in the form of an 'independent' Kurdistan to provide an invaluable US/oil industry foothold in the Arab world. Top marks for honesty, Mr Krauthammer. (Link to this)

JOHN McCAIN FULL OF SHIT #2
March 23, 2006

Ethical champion John McCain has signed up Terry Nelson, former Bush-Cheney political adviser, as his campaign guru. As deputy chief of staff at the RNC, Nelson accepted at least $190,000 in illegal corporate contributions via Tom DeLay. Nice choice.

Here's McCain's response when a caller questioned him on John Carlson's Seattle radio talk show today:

CALLER: For a reformer, I'm kind of curious why [you] would hire a guy like Terry Nelson as a senior advisor. Here's a guy who was actually in the indictment of DeLay on his money laundering charges. When he was at the RNC, he agreed to take the corporate contributions from DeLay's PAC and then recycle them back into the Republican congressional races. This guy was also the supervisor of James Tobin, who was the guy convicted last year for helping jam the Democratic get-out-the-vote lines in New England a couple years ago. So I'm curious why would you hire someone with such a shady background?

McCAIN: None of those charges are true.

CALLER: You don't believe what was actually written in the indictment from Texas?

McCAIN: No.

CARLSON: All right.

[nervous laughter]

McCAIN: I will check it out.

As Paul Kiel at TPM Muckraker says "I'm not sure what would be worse - if McCain actually was ignorant or just pretending. In either case, it would be yet another page out of the Bush playbook." (Link to this)

GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ
March 23, 2006

Good news from Iraq? Yup, I said it. US and British troops have just rescued three British and Canadian Christian Peace activists held hostage in Iraq since November.

The hostages had gone to Iraq "motivated by a passion for justice and peace" before getting kidnapped. One of their number, American Quaker Tom Fox, was murdered by captors earlier this month. (story)

Many people ask themselves "What would Jesus do?" On the evidence of the Bible, many guess that he'd be on a plane to Iraq (unless he'd been put on a no-fly list by now) to remind us all about the concepts of compassion, love and peace that are discussed at length in the New Testament. Of course, the pro-war 'Christians' see things a little differently. Remember worthless fat cunt Limbaugh's gloating at the news of the kidnapping? "I'm telling you, folks, there's a part of me that likes this... here's why I like it. I like any time a bunch of leftist feel-good hand-wringers are shown reality."

For what it's worth, Fried Wire would say thanks to the guys who were rescued, the guys who did the rescuing, and to Tom Fox who died doing good, because I'd never have the compassion/balls to do what they did in a million years. I'm like Rush Limbaugh and the whining cuntservative pussies in that respect. The only difference is that I admit it. (Link to this)

CATHOLICS GIVE BUSHCO THE THUMB(SCREW)S UP
March 23, 2006

Catholics at play: Let's hope Alberto Gonzales is an Episcopalian... Doh!

The results of a Pew Research Center survey about torture, or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, make for depressing reading. According to the survey 15% of Americans believe that torture is 'often justified' while another 31% believe it is 'sometimes justified.' Jeez, where did we go wrong? (story)

The survey found that American Catholics are the biggest fans of torture with a full 21% of them believing that it is 'often justified.'

This is probably no surprise for anyone who went to Catholic school and grew up surrounded by ruler-wielding nuns and S&M Jesuits, but it does point to a looser interpretation of the New Testament by Catholics than was previously assumed. So for the sake of clarity, don't forget to ask your priest whether The Holy Mother of God favors electric shocks to the scrotum or beatings with rubber truncheons next time you attend mass. Wasn't it the Muslims we were supposed to be scared of? (Link to this)

HORNDOG DOUBLE STANDARDS?
March 22, 2006

Debra Lafave nominated 'Woman of The Year' by The American Association of Teenage Masturbators.

In 2003 a black 18-year old high school football player was convicted of statutory rape and aggravated child molestation and sentenced to 10 years for having consensual sex with a 15-year-old girl. Judge Walter Matthews said, "My hands are tied by the Legislature in so far as the mandatory minimum." (story)

For some reason, the legislation that tied the hands of Marcus Dixon's judge didn't seem to be in effect yesterday when prosecutors dropped charges against a 25-year-old teacher for getting it on with a 14-year old student. The difference? Debra Lafave is a pur-dy white female who, according to her attorney, is "too attractive to go to jail." I'm guessing that Marcus Dixon must be too black and male to stay out of jail as far as the legal system was concerned.

And why do news writers feel obliged to refer to the 14-year old in Lafave's case as a 'victim'? A grateful little horndog who gets to do his porn star-looking high school teacher is not a victim - a victim is an 18-year, like Marcus Dixon, who gets 10 years in the state penitentiary for doing the same thing. (Link to this)

JOHN McCAIN IS FULL OF SHIT
March 22, 2006 (BEVERLY HILLS, California)

"Tastes like weinerschnitzel." McCain kisses new ass.

John McCain, the crappiest prospective presidential candidate since... err... George W Bush, was wheeled out as a 'centerpiece' (like an ice sculpture or a fruit basket?) at a recent Schwarzenegger re-election fundraiser in Beverly Hills. (story)

Tickets for the political whorefest ran up to $100,000 with pro-Schwarzenegger luminaries such as Yahoo Inc. Chairman Terry Semel lining up to write checks.

So what's wrong with McCain turning up to support his buddy? Nothing. Except that McCain slammed former California governor Gray Davis for doing the exact same thing in 2001 labeling his fundraising activities "disgraceful." (Link to this)

ABORTION GOVERNOR BOMBS
March 21, 2006 (SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota)

With the Bushco church/state nexus in full effect, a casual observer might assume that America is solidly "pro-life." But, before taking that fact for granted, try asking Mike Rounds. Who he? None other than the wing nut governor of South Dakota who instituted a total ban on abortion in his state last month.

Now Rounds has discovered the downside of working for Jeezuz instead of his constituents - his approval rating has troughed from 72% in February to 58% less than month later. Maybe the fetus freedom fighters are not as reflective of public opinion as they'd like to believe. Could we start calling them cranks again? (story) (Link to this)

WAR ON TERROR GOING GREAT... FOR THESE GUYS
March 21, 2006

Toyota Taliban now with extended crew cab.

Contemplating the contradictions and yawning credibility gaps in Bushco's pronouncements about the War on Terror may leave you feeling like you've just sampled a batch of bad acid. This week the Commander-in-Chimp urged us to see the success "beyond the bloodshed." So let's give it a whirl:

Nuclear Taliban?
Pakistan, already nuclear and with large swaths of territory under Taliban control, has also developed it's own cruise missile. War on Terror success: At least terrorists won't have to hijack planes any more.

Iraq Civil war?
1,044 people have died in Iraq since the bombing of a Shiite Muslim shrine in Samarra less than a month ago. This week, Iraq's former interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said that 50 to 60 people were dying every day and that his country was in civil war. War on Terror success: American conservatives continue to say there is no civil war so it must be true. What would Iyad Allawi know anyway?

A safe, burgeoning democracy?
Fifteen people, including nine cops and a former governor, were killed by the Taliban in Afghanistan at the weekend. The Taliban is threatening a major spring offensive because 'democratic Afghanistan' (read: Shariah law, persecution of non-Muslims and daily executions) is not quite fucked up enough for their liking. War on Terror success: Democratic elections in Afghanistan, religious extremists in control - a democracy in our own image.

Troops coming home?
Back in 2003, John Negroponte lied to the UN Security Council in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq: "The United States and the coalition aspire to liberate, not to occupy... We want to return control over the sovereignty of Iraq to the people of Iraq as soon as possible." Bush now says that a full withdrawal of US troops would depend on decisions by future U.S. presidents and Iraqi governments. War on Terror success: No need to worry about the kids not finding jobs.

War on Terror going great? Yup. And the Titanic's due in at New York anytime now. (Link to this)

WHINY KIDS END UP AS CONSERVATIVES
March 21, 2006

A conservative blogger reacts.

Anyone who's ever tried to debate with a wing nut blogger or talk sense with a cuntservative will already know this, but it's good to hear the obvious backed up by some solid scientific research.

UC Berkeley Professor Jack Block's epic 40 year study shows that "the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school grew up to be a conservative." Block also notes that the whiners "turned into rigid young adults who hewed closely to traditional gender roles and were uncomfortable with ambiguity" while the mellow kids "turned out liberal and were still hanging loose, turning into bright, non-conforming adults with wide interests."

Although Berkeley is hardly representative of the whole country, Block insists that, within his sample, the results are conclusive. His study demonstrates that insecure kids "look for the reassurance provided by tradition and authority, and find it in conservative politics" while the more confident kids are eager to explore alternatives. (story)

This one's for you, Mark Nicodemo. (Link to this)

THE IRAQ FREE-FIRE ZONE
March 20, 2006

"At least 39 people were killed by insurgents and shadowy sectarian gangs, police reported Monday — continuing the wave of violence that has left nearly 1,000 Iraqis dead since the bombing last month of a Shiite Muslim shrine." (Yahoonews.com)

President Bush defended his Iraq record on Monday against skeptical questioning. He said he could "understand people being disheartened" but appealed to Americans to look beyond the bloodshed and see signs of progress. (Yahoonews.com)

The Bush misadministration has crossed into an unexplored world light years beyond reality. Do we have telescopes (or drugs) powerful enough to "see beyond the bloodshed" and "see the signs of progress?" (Link to this)

THE IRAQ FREE-FRAUD ZONE
March 20, 2006

Although the ongoing occupation of Iraq is costing us (and our unborn grandchildren) billions of dollars every month, it's pretty redundant to point out that a few Americans are getting seriously rich off Iraqi misery. Although the wing nuts might deny there's a civil war going on there, it seems that the carpet baggers are already well and truly on the job. (story)

Frank Willis, a former senior official with the Coalition Provisional Authority said of the halcyon days of early occupation: "Iraq was awash in cash... Piles and piles of money. We played football with some of the bricks of $100 bills... It was a wild-west crazy atmosphere."

"American law was suspended, Iraqi law was suspended, and Iraq basically became a free-fraud zone." Said Alan Grayson, an attorney representing Iraq corruption whistleblowers. "In a free-fraud zone you can steal anything you like. And that was what they did."

Here are some of the shenanigans that have recently come to light which represent only the tip of the Everest-sized shitberg:

• Custer Battles, a security company set up by Scott Custer and former Republican Congressional candidate Mike Battles, kept a set of secret books recording fraudulent activities such as billing $176,000 to build a $96,000 helipad.
  
• Custer Battles also invoiced a total of $10m for respraying and renting out a bunch of old forklifts they found left behind at Baghdad airport.
  
• $750,000 was stolen from a US-controlled vault in one of Saddam's old palaces.
  
• Two American agents left Iraq without accounting for nearly $1.5m that went mising on their watch.
  
• One Coalition Provisional Authority official was given $7m and told to spend it in seven days saying that he "felt there was more emphasis on the speed of spending the money than on the accountability for that money."
  
• Robert Stein Jr, CPA comptroller in south central Iraq, recently admitted to stealing more than $2m and taking bribes in return for contracts. Stein had a previous conviction for fraud before taking on the comptroller gig.

File under: All Going Great In Iraq. (Link to this)

IT'S ALL THE SAME TO CHENEY
March 20, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Gerald Ford and Dick Cheney - deja vous but with hair.

You can call Dick Cheney a lying, fascistic douche bag if you want (please do), but no-one can deny he's got some big brass balls.

With miserable approval ratings, growing pressure to impeach and increasing calls for a change in leadership from his own party, Cheney denies that the Bush White House needs cleaning up. On this week's "Face the Nation," Cheney said "I don't think we can pay any attention to that kind of thing... The president has got a job to do. He ignores the background noise that's out there in the polls."

Background noise? Remember when we used to call that "the will of the people"? What's the constitution to Cheney? Wallpaper?

According to Newsday.com, "Cheney said he heard similar grumbling 30 years ago when he was chief of staff for President Gerald Ford." But, as Dick must know, Ford's approval rating was 53% which makes Ford a little different to Bush who's currently dragging ass at 29%. Or, indeed, to Cheney with his pathetic 18%. (Link to this)

KISS MY GOOGLEPLEX, DUMBASS
March 17, 2006

Internet publisher Ray Gordon had his $10 billion case against Google thrown out by a federal judge today thus setting (we can only hope) a positive precedent for the future.

Gordon had posted a chapter of one of his e-books on Google's Usenet bulletin board network and then bitched when excerpts of his work popped up (well, durr) in Google search results. He contended that Google violated copyright law by automatically archiving copies of his material.

After dismissing the case, the judge also added a little insult to injury when he complained about the badly written "rambling" and "unwieldy" lawsuit that the writer had drafted.

For anyone interested, Gordon's Snodgrass Publishing Group is home to such gems as "The Caveman's Top 100: America's Sexiest Famous Women," "The Seduction Library," and the possibly autobiographical "Why Hotties Choose Losers." Good luck with those legal expenses numbnuts...

The more I hear about greedy bastards, from Music Publishers to random Web porn merchants, trying to get at Google, the more I am convinced that Google is doing the right thing. Imagine a world without Google... it's a shame that the corporations trying to ruin them can't, otherwise they'd realize how much more business they make because of them. (Link to this)

BANKRUPTCY AVERTED
March 17, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Congress has approved, 348-71, a new $9 trillion credit limit for Bushco. The new limit staves off the impending threat of bankruptcy as predicted by last year by Treasury Secretary John Snow.

The 71 dissenters comprised 19 fiscal conservatives (remember those guys?) and 52 Democrats who bucked their party line and chose to vote in opposition to Bush. "Not one more dime for this administration's ill-conceived, ill-advised, misguided and failed Iraq policy," said plucky Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio. Good luck with that, Dennis. (story) (Link to this)

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE KABUL IN SPRINGTIME
March 16, 2006

Today's Washington Post headlines "Bush to Restate Terror Strategy." Apparently this does not refer to Bushco's domestic policies, but alludes to the issuing of a new national security document "reaffirming his doctrine of preemptive war against terrorists and hostile states with chemical, biological or nuclear weapons." Jeez, why didn't WP staff writer Peter Baker just grab some pom poms and end his story with a peppy "ra ra ra?"

Speaking of (t)error, Taliban leader Mullah Mohammad Omar has vowed "a ferocious offensive against U.S.-led forces in Afghanistan" as soon as the weather warms up. Thank God we invaded Afghanistan and rid the world of the Taliban - imagine how dangerous they'd be if they were still around. (Link to this)

BUSHCO'S BULLDOGS
March 16, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Grrr... it's Wayne Allard, defender of the faith.

"The President, Vice President and all civil officers of the United States, shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors."
-- U.S. Constitution, Article 2, Section 4

Back in the day, Ted Kennedy was one of the few Senate Democrats who voted in favor of censuring Bill Clinton for his errant BJ. It's a shame Ted can't muster the same indignation for George W Bush's high crimes and misdemeanors and support Russ Feingold's call for censuring Durr Fuehrer over his illegal spying on US citizens.

In the space of a few hours yesterday, Moveon.org got 200,000 signatures supporting Feingold's call to censure the president. A Zogby poll (ironically posted at Democrats.com) also shows that the American people are in favor of impeaching his dumb ass by a margin of 52% to 43%. Clearly, despite Kennedy's lack of enthusiasm (and/or balls), there are a hell of a lot of people out here demanding that the Democrats reflect grassroots opinion for once.

But Kennedy's fence-sitting is symptomatic of the Democratic party's recent transformation from lame opposition to a stance that looks suspiciously like open complicity. What the hell is happening? Kennedy thinks Clinton's BJ was a valid reason to slap down a sitting president - of his own party at that - but Bushco's Gestapo-style trampling of the laws and constitution of the United States? Oh that ain't so bad. Fuck you Kennedy.

But perhaps the biggest prick to have his cage rattled yesterday was Wayne Allard (R-CO) who played to the Dumb Belt and moronically accused Feingold of "siding with the terrorists."

Who is this prick? Allard is best known for his opposition to John McCain's proposed amendment to ban torture and, in the wake of the Enron bust, trying to scupper accounting reform legislation after accepting bribes from Arthur Andersen, KPMG and Deloitte & Touche. According to former U.S. Attorney Tom Strickland "Allard is one of the largest recipients from big accounting firms of anyone in the Senate." A man of class and a paragon of ethics to be sure.

When are we going to stop giving ear time to moral sludge flying under American flags of convenience like Allard? Like so many others on both sides of the house, this prick would be living the quiet life in prison if the same standards applied to elected officials as they do for the rest of us. Instead, he's pontificating about patriotism and ethics as if he had even the dimmest regard for either. Fuck you too, Allard.

Fried Wire, for one, would rather seek childcare advice from Pee Wee Herman than be lectured by malignant tumors on the ass of democracy like Wayne Allard and Ted Kennedy. (Link to this)

BILLION DOLLAR BONEHEAD
March 15, 2006

Tekle Zigetta, 45, was busted by U.S. Customs for currency smuggling today. Zigetta pleaded guilty to three federal counts of trying to bring cash, phony bills and a fake $100,000 gold certificate into the country.

Better yet, agents found a hoard of fake billion-dollar bills in his apartment. "You would think the $1 billion denomination would be a giveaway that these notes are fake, but some people are still taken in," said James Todak, a secret services agent.

Who the fuck are these people??? Who is wealthy enough and retarded enough to change a billion dollar bill? We need names and addresses.. (story) (Link to this)

HOME OF THE DELICATE REPUBLICAN
March 15, 2006

Get ready to exercise subtlety when insulting people if Peter Biondi gets his way.

Don't let the fact that James "I am a gay American" McGreevey once governed New Jersey fool you into thinking that the Garden State is a hotbed of progressive thinking and liberal ideals. Despite it's inconvenient geography, there are plenty of homegrown knee-jerk Republicans seemingly hell-bent on incorporating NJ into the Christian Conservative Dumb Belt.

Take for example Republican Assemblyman Peter Biondi. This cuntservative recently launched a crusade to legislate good manners online. In an effort to curb malicious exchanges on discussion boards, Biondi is proposing a law requiring all online users to log on using their real names. Apart from being monumentally unconstitutional and impossible to enforce, Biondi's proposal has been roundly condemned as one of the stupidest things to come out of New Jersey since Kelly Ripa.

Buzzmachine.com is one of the blue-languaged blogs that inspired Biondi's wrath and is "damned proud of it." Buzzmachine commenter, NJBiondiizapuckinmoron (possibly a fake name), says: "Who the hell do you think you are that you can dictate to the rest of the world…go kiss our ass you shitheaded birdbrain." Dear sir, let me second that motion.

A New Jersey blogger also summed up the situation neatly: "Pete Biondi is full of shit. Here is his real problem: the internet makes it too easy for people who want political change to spread their views."

For many, Biondi's authoritarian folly is reminiscent of the great cussin' debacle of 1994 when the esteemed councilors of Raritan, New Jersey, tried to bring in a law banning profanity. Their über-stupid amendment would have made it illegal for people to use "vulgar or indecent language" in public places or risk a 90-day jail term.

Unfortunately, for the over-sensitive Republicans of Raritan, their law foundered on the same sticking point that must surely doom Biondi's proposal: The Constitution of The United States. Raritan's police announced they would refuse to enforce the new law since it was clearly unconstitutional. "I'm not for people swearing up and down any street and any city in the world. But I'm not going to violate anybody's constitutional rights knowingly." Said then police chief, Joseph Sferra.

Is it that Republican pols never actually read the constitution they're elected to uphold, or do they just find it an unnecessary hindrance that must be ignored? (Link to this)

DEMOCRAT PUSSIES IN COLLUSION YET AGAIN
March 14, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Senate Democrats blocked a vote to censure Bush for illegally spying on Americans. Enough said.

Posterity will surely add the current crop of Democrat-in-name-only space wasters to the Hall of Lame come reckoning time. Man, these Dems are sucking hard.

Is it really too much to expect the party that gave us Woodrow Wilson, Robert Byrd, "Nigger Doodle Dandy", Vietnam, Hiroshima, and worse yet, John fucking Kerry to do the right thing? I guess that would be a big fat yes. (Link to this)

AMERICAN DREAM FULFILLED AT LAST!
March 14, 2006 (SAUGET, Illinois)

The Gateway Grizzlies Frontier League baseball team promised to create the ultimate concession food item in time for the 2006 season. And, by God, they've done it.

Their new 1,000 calory ballpark sandwich comprises a hamburger topped with cheese and two slices of bacon between a bun made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Glazed doughnut. At $4.50 each, Grizzlies general manager Tony Funderburg calls his contribution to gastronomy "a meal and a dessert in one." How about a meal and a myocardial infarction in one? (story) (Link to this)

AMERICA TO BE FRISTED IN 2008?
March 12, 2006 (MEMPHIS, Tennessee)

One of these three stands a chance of becoming president. Could Elmo really be running?

With home-field advantage, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist placed first in an informal poll of 2008 presidential hopefuls at a Republican conference Saturday night. The two-term Tennessee senator received 526 first-place votes, or 36.9 percent, in the Southern Republican Leadership Conference's "straw poll."

Anti-cuntservatives may take comfort from the fact that John 'Republicrat' McCain finished a miserable fifth in the poll. If McCain runs in 2008, the Democrats will actually have to work to beat him. But Frist? Jeez, even sad old Kerry could beat that cat-killing freak with one arm tied behind his back (or by a 10% margin according to a November 2005 NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll).

But, more importantly, doesn't 'frist' sound like an onomatopoeic word for a sneaky, semi-silent fart? (Link to this)

GO BACK TO THE START, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $500 BILLION
March 10, 2006

Paul Pillar, who until last year was in charge of intelligence assessments for the Middle East, said the CIA warned Bush, prior to the Iraq invasion, that a change of regimes would be unlikely to solve any WMD problem.

Pillar said Iraqis live in "a dangerous neighborhood," with rival countries pursuing weapons of mass destruction. The CIA warned that any future Iraqi government would likely want the very same WMDs Saddam was wrongly accused of having, including nuclear and biological weapons.

So... Bush falsely accuses Saddam of having WMDs as an excuse to invade Iraq and allow a new regime to take over that actually will have WMDs? Sounds like $500 billion and thousands of lives well spent to me. (story) (Link to this)

BUSH POPULARITY GROUNDHOG DAY
March 10, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Bush confounds critics: "See, right there, opposable thumbs."

How many ways is it possible to write "Bush's approval rating hits new low?" This is probably one of the main problems for news copywriters today. Fried Wire is going with Icelandic: "Bush samþykki mat hits nýr lágmark."

A new AP-Ipsos poll shows that nearly 70 percent of people say the U.S. is on the wrong track - a 6-point jump since last month. Only 37 percent, the lowest of his presidency, approve of Bush's overall performance.

But the good news for non-wingnuts is that, by a 47-36 margin, people favor Democrats over Republicans when asked who should control Congress. With the mid-terms fast approaching, the DNC will have to work hard and fast to piss away this golden opportunity. I have no doubt, however, that they're up to the task. (Link to this)

THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
March 9, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Although Bush has denied ever knowing him, Jack Abramoff has a different story. Abramoff said he finds it hard to believe that The Commander-in-Chimp doesn't remember the dozen photos he and members of his family had snapped with the president and first lady. Or that Bush once greeted the 'disgraced ex-lobbyist' with a suspiciously over-familiar "What are you benching, buff guy?"

Is there something else about the president we should know? Or is this story just a great excuse to use a picture of George Bush looking really, really gay? (story) (Link to this)

Ask Betty Bowers.

CHENEY LESS POPULAR THAN O.J.
March 8, 2006

The Commander-in-Chimp may have low ratings, but they're fantastic compared to those of the veep. According to a recent CBS survey, Dick Cheney's approval rating has sunk to 18 percent.

The Washington Post compared Cheney's ratings with other public figures and found that even the popularity ratings of O. J. Simpson and Michael Jackson were considerably higher at 29 and 25 percent respectively. Even Richard Nixon's VP, Spiro Agnew, never dropped below 45 percent - even after tax evasion charges forced his resignation in 1973.

The only person rated lower than Cheney was Paris Hilton. Enough said? (story) (Link to this)

HEAR YE, HEAR YE: NO DILDOS IN TENNESSEE
March 8, 2006 (NASHVILLE, Tennessee)

Tennessee Senate Bill 3794 and House Bill 3798 makes it illegal to sell, advertise, publish, or exhibit to another person "any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs."

Apparently dildos are number one on the very long list of things that are wrong with Tennessee. Thank you, redneck lawmakers. (story) (Link to this)

IT'S NOT VIETNAM. REALLY.
March 7, 2006

"The last thing they [The Pentagon] want is for people to think that this is like Vietnam." says Tod Ensign of Citizen Soldier, an anti-war group that offers legal aid to deserters from Bushco's war in Iraq.

Since fall 2003, 4,387 Army soldiers, 3,454 Navy sailors and 82 Air Force personnel have deserted according to recent Pentagon figures. Citizen Soldier and other groups tend to agree that the numbers are rising because more soldiers are being driven to question their service and wonder what the hell they're still doing in Iraq. (story)

Strangely, for a body that wants to avoid parallels being drawn between Iraq and Vietnam, The army has also begun cracking down on aging Vietnam-era deserters in an effort to discourage those in Iraq from getting any ideas.

Former Marine Cpl. Jerry Texiero, for example, was arrested in Florida recently after quietly disappearing from his base in California in 1965. Thirty years after the war ended, hundreds of Vietnam deserters are still on the loose and now more likely to be hunted down and arrested.

Just don't say Iraq is like Vietnam: Hugely expensive disasters launched on false pretexts fostering widespread disillusionment amongst civilians and troops alike and culminating in bloody civil wars must always be judged on a case-by-case basis. (Link to this)

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE WAR A CHANCE
March 6, 2006

The Bushes pictured during their famous 1980s "bed-in" for war.

Former Drug Enforcement Administration agent Cele Castillo accused Bush 1 of orchestrating illegal drug smuggling operations by the Contras in Nicaragua during the 1980s.

Castillo claims that George HW Bush, then VP under Reagan, was not only aware that the Contras used cocaine smuggling to fund their operations against the Sandanistas, he also played a major role in overseeing the operation.

Castillo spent 12 years at the DEA before becoming disillusioned and quitting. "I took an oath to defend my country and fight the war on drugs," he is quoted as saying. "When I realized the enemy was within our own government, I took the path of truth, trying to alert the American people."

He also dismisses Oliver North and John Negroponte (then U.S. Ambassador to Honduras), as "just drug smugglers" for their role in aiding the cocaine Contras. (story) (Link to this)

THE WAR ON WHATEVER
March 2, 2006

Many suspect that Bush's War on Terror was cooked up solely as a scam to terrify Americans into lockstep obedience and stop us bitching too much about our disappearing freedoms. With this in mind, would anyone be surprised to learn that a reported sighting of high-ranking al Qaeda members in California last year was never investigated?

Two witnesses reported spotting Adnan el-Shukrijumah and other al Qaeda associates at Lake Isabella near Bakersfield last year after their mugshots were printed on front pages around the country. Even though the feds had described the suspect in question as "the most dangerous al Qaeda agent on American soil" with a $5 million reward offered for his capture, the FBI, Bureau of Homeland Security and local law enforcement all declined to investigate. Even U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., when notified of the incident, didn't seem bothered.

The witnesses said "Reporting the terrorists was the right and responsible thing to do; however, we have now become fearful for our lives." (story) (Link to this)

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